NC is wrong!

[Cuepid]

This thread has really shed some light on NC: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120342/

 

I think NC just prolongs your grief. You keep wondering if the person thinks about you etc. You wonder if they'll call. I know NC is supposed to help you move on, but the fact that you're doing NC just validates the fact that you HAVEN'T moved on. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe someone that agrees can put it into better words.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you just have to know it in your heart that it's over. It's the only way to move on. You don't have to initiate contact, but if your ex does then be the bigger and mature person and be polite. Sure they are probably just using you to get over their own guilt, so what? They are weak. Let them. You deserve a more fulfilling relationship. Trust me this makes you even more attractive. Be calm. Be cool. Find someone worthy.

 

It's very hard not to do things to try to get your ex back. I feel like most people who try NC want their ex to miss them. Even if you don't do the whole NC thing and you try to be all nonchalant about the breakup, deep down you're just trying to impress them by being nonchalant. You just have to force yourself to stop thinking this way. Keep telling yourself to move on. Pick yourself up and go out. I think this is a better step to take than NC. I feel like NC just proves you are bitter.

 

I've also read on one of these forums that some guy did NC for almost 10 years and is still not completely over his ex. He still wonders if she thinks of him. How horrible is that? NC is dangerous in my opinion.

 

If you're trying to move on, then do positive things to move on. NC just sucks all the energy out of you. Why consciously try to avoid your ex? Your ex isn't worth all that effort. I truly believe this is the right way to move on. Opinions?

[Trialbyfire]

NC isn't a bad approach, it's how a person approaches NC. It's a severing and cauterizing, if there's an unhealthy relationship you're having difficulty ending. It's not a means to get your ex back. If you use it as such, you might be waiting for an eternity for your exes to come back.

 

Use whatever method works for you. NC will get you over your relationship faster if you focus on getting better.

[HavAlittleFaith]

Most articles on NC would suggest that NC does work to a certain extent.Its harder for the dumpee because they are usually the one hoping that the dumper would realise and start missing them again.In real life,this seldom happens.You might be counting the days that you were apart and for all you now,she might not even realise a week/months has gone by without you in her life.Doesnt that kills you?!

 

If u are having a great difficulty to forget her,NC or no NC,you will still be the one that suffers.I cant handle mine and Im not expecting that you could too.

 

Just believe in prayers and have faith in GOD.Only HE could bring you peace and restores the life that you hoped for,be it with or without her.

 

I love her and I would die for her...........im too emotional now to carry on.

[underpants]

No contact is just one method of coping for some relationships.

 

I have some exes out there that if I see them, or if I hear from them I don't avoid them. Some avoid me and that is okay too. Our relationships are over, thats all. I don't need to contact them regularly, nor do I need them to contact me regularly to validate anything or prove anything. We may not be in contact regularly, because we have done just what you suggest. We have moved on.

 

Now, there are those occasional folks that come into our lives that prove to be toxic. If you have not had one of these, then count yourself blessed. When a relationship ends of course it is painful for both parties. However, you don't need to prolong that pain by allowing the source of it to continue to hang out with you, string you along, use you some more. Intentionally or not, putting your feelings on the back burner then expect you to be a doormat to their whim. It's not a bitter thing, it is simply a respect thing. If you opt to leave a romantic partner, don't expect and don't insist on friendship. Just as their are risks when entering a romantic encounter, there are also risks involved when ending them.

 

I can't really comment on the 10 year person still pining. This sounds like more of his issue then that of a lost relationship.

 

For me it has alot to do with respect and communication. I communicate, then I respect the choice. Most of my partners have done the same (although it took awhile for one). For the most part I really try not to dwell too much on the past, I can't change it, and I certainly can't change anyone else. All I can try to do is live my moments (even the difficult ones) with my integrity intact.

 

Regards,

Unders

[funkybassplayer]

i think that it can be hard to do n/c if you have things to say to your ex, but as far as what they are up to etc, its not our buissness. My ex started a new relationship almost as soon as we broke up, so i havent had the chance to say goodbye to her kids that i loved, or her, he put a stop to comunication. but i repect her space and i know in time that we will talk as we had such a strong bond in the relationship, and i will be proud of the fact that i repected her and myself, and it shows to your ex that your a strong man/girl, so if you do get to be friends, they know your a strong person and not a weak spinless pain in the butt!. Maybe the very odd text to say hi hope your all well etc can be good to let them no you are still around, In the mean time im getting on best i can with my own life, i have hard days and good days, but its getting better. its only been 4 weeks since we split so still very raw, and i know she misses me too, she said. I do want to be freinds with her one day, but at the momnet i have to move on myself before i can be a freind, so im at peace with me. the worst thing is to call then blurt out a load of emotional crap! She did ask if i was ok last week, and i told her that i was missing her and the kids. Say the truth, dont try to be macho, if its lying. Theres nothing wrong with saying that you miss someone that you were/are in love with. Its compleatly normal and she will repect you for saying the truth. I think that the n/c does help if you use it for the right ways but as a means to make your ex miss you, its proberly here nor there! do whats right for you, and not what other people say. If you can be a real freind then be it, and no new partner should be so inscure as to not let two people be freinds, if they are, they wont last anyway! but dont be there at the end of a phone to try to worm back in, this can be devestating for you. Respect your ex, respect yourself, try to move on and then maybe in time you can be real good true friends. My reason for friends is the kids, and i know me and ex can be good friends i do miss them and it would be great to say hi now and again.

 

cheers guys

[Nanachu]

This is very interesting point, Cuepid. I have a thought on this matter as well.

 

My ex broke up with me last Nov (posted this topic). I took that as a final and went to NC. He started to contact me this Jan and I kept LC. He started to contact me more and more frequently and suggest to meet. I ignored/rejected politely till I am so sure that I can let him go, I can meet him but will not break down. Time came and I met him. He apologized and told me how much he has been thinking about me after the break-up. We are currently dating and things are not perfect but we are trying to work on our issues and keep staying together.

 

Did NC work to get ex back?

I must say yes for my case. If I was begging, crying, calling me crazy to take me back, he did not come back. NC certainly increases a chance of ex coming back although no promise for that.

 

Does NC work to move on?

This is your point, Cuepid, right? I am not sure. The bottom line, it is very hard to forget about the one you really loved (and rejected). There is no magical way, or absolutely better way to forget about someone, I think. NC might help some cases, may not.

 

One guys is doing NC for 10 years and still remembers ex. If he has not done NC, he could forget about her in a shorter period? I am not sure.

 

I have dated one guy, we broke up and I did NC. But, this NC was more like end result. I just did not feel like talking to him and forgot about him quickly. Regarding my current BF (former ex), I was purposefully doing NC and yes I was counting. Did I move on? Probably not completely. The fact that I was forcing myself doing NC was proving me how much I care about my ex and am hoping to get ex back....

 

Does NC help cope?

I think it did. If he was there all the time, I could not focus on myself. The time I was alone, not thinking about when to call him, what to say to him, etc.., I could focus on myself, my need, what to improve for myself, etc..

 

====

If I really really really wanted to move on (completely forget about him), I probably did not do NC. I probably contacted him and forced myself to see a bitter bitter reality; he does NOT love my any more. At some point after the break up, I was hoping him to take really cold/mean attitude to me (which he did not, he was still caring and kind, it did not help). If I pushed him begging and crying, he probably pushed me away in a cold manner. I could have got hurt badly, but I feel that it could have helped me completely move on as I see 0% chance.

 

NC, purposely done NC, allowed me to keep the hope and the activitiy of NC actually reminds me about him; hey, I am doing some activitiy for him every minute thinking "not to contact him," "not to contact him." When I did crazy sad needy approach to my ex who dumped me, they rejected me hard and actually forced myself to see the bitter reality and helped me move on quicker, I feel. NC can bring the opposite effect....

 

But, this is my case, with specific guys. For someone, NC may work better. Simply, it is hard to forget about someone who you really cared about. In someway, I feel happy to find someone who I can care about that much. The realtionship with the guys who I could quickly forget about was not rich anyway.

 

Hope I made a sense.

[CaliGuy]

This thread has really shed some light on NC: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120342/

 

I think NC just prolongs your grief. You keep wondering if the person thinks about you etc. You wonder if they'll call. I know NC is supposed to help you move on, but the fact that you're doing NC just validates the fact that you HAVEN'T moved on. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe someone that agrees can put it into better words.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you just have to know it in your heart that it's over. It's the only way to move on. You don't have to initiate contact, but if your ex does then be the bigger and mature person and be polite. Sure they are probably just using you to get over their own guilt, so what? They are weak. Let them. You deserve a more fulfilling relationship. Trust me this makes you even more attractive. Be calm. Be cool. Find someone worthy.

 

It's very hard not to do things to try to get your ex back. I feel like most people who try NC want their ex to miss them. Even if you don't do the whole NC thing and you try to be all nonchalant about the breakup, deep down you're just trying to impress them by being nonchalant. You just have to force yourself to stop thinking this way. Keep telling yourself to move on. Pick yourself up and go out. I think this is a better step to take than NC. I feel like NC just proves you are bitter.

 

I've also read on one of these forums that some guy did NC for almost 10 years and is still not completely over his ex. He still wonders if she thinks of him. How horrible is that? NC is dangerous in my opinion.

 

If you're trying to move on, then do positive things to move on. NC just sucks all the energy out of you. Why consciously try to avoid your ex? Your ex isn't worth all that effort. I truly believe this is the right way to move on. Opinions?

 

Most people I know who have quit a bad habit, such as smoking, drinking, etc have all done it cold turkey.

 

I don't see how after being dumped NC is not healthy for you. It's a dose of medicine, no matter how bad it taste, that is necessary.

 

It's the quickest way to get over them, to heal, to regain confidence and self respect.

 

It's those who use NC as a means to try and manipulate their ex's back to them who fail. That is not NC. That's just laying in wait, with much hope. That does more damage than healing.

 

If you truly want to move on with your life, there is no option other than NC. For to stay in contact with an ex is akin to trying to quit smoking by hanging out with people who smoke.

 

Not gonna happen.

[sunshinegirl]

Most people I know who have quit a bad habit, such as smoking, drinking, etc have all done it cold turkey.

 

I don't see how after being dumped NC is not healthy for you. It's a dose of medicine, no matter how bad it taste, that is necessary.

 

It's the quickest way to get over them, to heal, to regain confidence and self respect.

 

It's those who use NC as a means to try and manipulate their ex's back to them who fail. That is not NC. That's just laying in wait, with much hope. That does more damage than healing.

 

If you truly want to move on with your life, there is no option other than NC. For to stay in contact with an ex is akin to trying to quit smoking by hanging out with people who smoke.

 

Not gonna happen.

 

 

Actually, I've changed my mind a bit on this. I used to be a huge proponent of 100% NC after a breakup.

 

It was good for some things, but one thing NC did NOT help me do was find closure for two very difficult relationships that ended. I couldn't make heads or tails of why the breakups occurred, and I was badly treated in both cases. But because I was so committed to NC, I never ever had a conversation with either of those exes to (1) learn more about what drove them to decide to break up with me or (2) give them a piece of my mind.

 

I am a logic-driven person and in the ending of my relationships have only found closure when I had an explanation I could make sense of. I've since had two breakups where I didn't force myself into NC immediately - I had follow-up conversations with the exes to better understand why we didn't work. And you know what? Those conversations really helped me.

[Outofluck]

I have to agree. Right now I am going NC with my ex girlfriend but mainly because we talked a few weeks ago and she told me that she met someone and is happy. We had a discussion and before she told me that I told her that I wanted her back. I called her a few days later to tell her about one of my family members who was ill but I could tell by the tone in her voice that he was with her..that killed me. NC is basically now a necessity as she has obviously moved on. Besides, I'm sure if I call her she will have a good laugh with the new guy at my expense (as she did with me when we first started dating.) I would love to be able to call and chat once in a while but I have to tell myself that if I had someone new, I probably wouldn't even think about her..NC or not, which is likely what she is doing now.

 

I think the original point of this thread is that if you are concentrating TOO hard on NC, then chances are you haven't moved on. Does the other person miss you and wonder how you are? Probably so, but they are probably also not counting the days in between phone calls. The act of NC alone implies that there is still an action occurring (or lack of action) that you are putting effort into. I know that it is difficult but there will be a day when you don't even think about this person at all.

 

Some situations are different. For me, my ex and I don't really have any common friends that I would run into and we don't work together so I probably will not ever talk to her again. My issue is a bit strange however in that she works in the local media and I can see her on TV every day. I don't know how I'll ever get full NC unless I force myself not to watch..kinda hard to do.

[polywog]

In principle, I think NC makes a lot of sense. But in my case, living in a small town, having had a very long relationship, and sharing a dog, made NC somewhat impractical. When he first broke up with me in January, he moved out and we barely saw each other.... his choice, as well as mine; actually as he got involved with someone else, I found out later, and was staying with her. When she left town for a while, he moved back in and I moved out, but still came to see our dog and pack my immense amounts of stuff (I procrastinated that).

 

From reading books and listening to advice here, I did my best to practice NC/LC for most of the time. But I don't regret breaking it, or not being strict about it. As our break up was rather abrupt (in retropspect, I now see clues), I had one night where I just came over and had a giant talk with him that was very healing about the end of the relationship. Some of you talk about closure; I got some of that, and it was bittersweet. Another time I came over and seduced him.... yeah, maybe dumb, but it was awesome, and I don't regret it!

 

In addition, in my case, I think that banging the head against the wall of seeing/witnessing the man no longer loving or wanting me is part of my moving on. I know it's counter-intuitive, and sounds masochistic (which I am Not, despite this) but I need to see the Proof to get rid of the Hope. I have some solid reasons that I think I'm like this that I won't go into, but I think it's just my way, and perhaps the way of some others here.

 

So I would say NC makes a lot of sense, but that one has to go with their own gut, maybe hang out in the weird limbo-grey-zone like I did to settle the soul (not that mine is quite settled yet!). NC is like organized religion, I guess... great concept and rule, fabulous results if you are suited to it, but the complex individual human element comes in and must be considered.

[CaliGuy]

Actually, I've changed my mind a bit on this. I used to be a huge proponent of 100% NC after a breakup.

 

It was good for some things, but one thing NC did NOT help me do was find closure for two very difficult relationships that ended. I couldn't make heads or tails of why the breakups occurred, and I was badly treated in both cases. But because I was so committed to NC, I never ever had a conversation with either of those exes to (1) learn more about what drove them to decide to break up with me or (2) give them a piece of my mind.

 

I am a logic-driven person and in the ending of my relationships have only found closure when I had an explanation I could make sense of. I've since had two breakups where I didn't force myself into NC immediately - I had follow-up conversations with the exes to better understand why we didn't work. And you know what? Those conversations really helped me.

 

The problem with "closure" is most of the time you just don't get it. I am on the personal belief that if a relationship ends, it ends. That is the closure. Who cares why they left you? The point is they gave up on you when you wouldn't give up on them.

 

IMHO, they don't don't deserve your love if they will take it for granted.

 

So many people strive to get closure yet most won't even accept it. And sometimes our ex's just can't give us closure because even they don't know what is wrong or why it isn't working.

 

Your best bet is to make your own closure. I still believe 100% NC is the way to go when you are trying to heal and move on with your life.

[sunshinegirl]

The problem with "closure" is most of the time you just don't get it. I am on the personal belief that if a relationship ends, it ends. That is the closure. Who cares why they left you? The point is they gave up on you when you wouldn't give up on them.

 

IMHO, they don't don't deserve your love if they will take it for granted.

 

So many people strive to get closure yet most won't even accept it. And sometimes our ex's just can't give us closure because even they don't know what is wrong or why it isn't working.

 

Your best bet is to make your own closure. I still believe 100% NC is the way to go when you are trying to heal and move on with your life.

 

Riggghhhht...what I am saying is that that approach doesn't actually work for me. I tried it. And it took me 1.5 years to recover from each of those two relationships where I went NC right away.

 

By contrast, the two breakups in which I had follow-up conversations? I was over one guy in about two months, and being only a week into this latest breakup, I am definitely not over it, but I am doing much better than I have in any previous breakup. In part because the post-breakup conversations DID provide important answers and fill important gaps for me.

 

To each his own.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Personally, I think it's best to adopt complete NC. Unless you have strong and valid commitments together (like children).

 

Because the relationship is gone, whether or not you keep some thread going between the two of you.

 

That's theoretically speaking, though. In reality, the relationship may cough and splutter for a while before completely giving up the ghost. That's acceptable too.

 

As long as you don't plot and connive to use NC or LC (low contact) to manipulate the other person, do what suits you best.

 

If you can remain in touch without causing pain to either of you, then it's okay. But you have to be completely honest with yourself before adopting that approach - and it's hard to remain unbiased where romantic ties are concerned. That's why NC is often the better option.

[McFadden]

This thread has really shed some light on NC: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t120342/

 

I think NC just prolongs your grief. You keep wondering if the person thinks about you etc. You wonder if they'll call. I know NC is supposed to help you move on, but the fact that you're doing NC just validates the fact that you HAVEN'T moved on. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe someone that agrees can put it into better words.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you just have to know it in your heart that it's over. It's the only way to move on. You don't have to initiate contact, but if your ex does then be the bigger and mature person and be polite. Sure they are probably just using you to get over their own guilt, so what? They are weak. Let them. You deserve a more fulfilling relationship. Trust me this makes you even more attractive. Be calm. Be cool. Find someone worthy.

 

It's very hard not to do things to try to get your ex back. I feel like most people who try NC want their ex to miss them. Even if you don't do the whole NC thing and you try to be all nonchalant about the breakup, deep down you're just trying to impress them by being nonchalant. You just have to force yourself to stop thinking this way. Keep telling yourself to move on. Pick yourself up and go out. I think this is a better step to take than NC. I feel like NC just proves you are bitter.

 

I've also read on one of these forums that some guy did NC for almost 10 years and is still not completely over his ex. He still wonders if she thinks of him. How horrible is that? NC is dangerous in my opinion.

 

If you're trying to move on, then do positive things to move on. NC just sucks all the energy out of you. Why consciously try to avoid your ex? Your ex isn't worth all that effort. I truly believe this is the right way to move on. Opinions?

 

Cuepid, I feel so honored that my thread was mentioned. I have finally gone down in LS history.

 

My thoughts about NC: I don't think it really matters anymore. Some people think that NC is like the medicine that makes you get over your ex. I don't think it is. Your feelings about whether or not youre over your ex are all in your head. If youre not over them and you still brood and focus on remaining in NC, you might as well be in contact. I don't think the dumpee should keep doing the contacting, but its no good to make a scene of avoiding them like I did. In my opinion this only creates more negativity, and makes you look like youre so into them you can't handle it, and that re-enforces you feeling that way about the situation.

 

Of course that doesn't apply if they were abusive, then of course you want to get away from them.

 

I've been in NC for months and I haven't moved on at all, and if I don't do anything I suspect that I will end up like that guy who was in NC for 10 years. I had already decided it was Enough! and I was contacting my ex. Problem is, I then found out he has a girlfriend who is terminally ill, so I don't think I should get into the mix now, as I said in my thread.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

IMHO, they don't don't deserve your love if they will take it for granted.

It's worth pointing out here that some people end a relationship because they feel taken for granted, even if that wasn't the intent.

 

In circumstances such as these, emotionally the most courageous thing a person can do is to accept a break up. If they love unconditionally then this is relatively easy to do and NC may form part of this.