Cheating or flirting out of anger

[Sheba]

In response to a different thread, one poster wrote that he cheated on his wife because he was angry with her.

 

What do you all think of anger as a motivation for cheating or flirtation? Not that they are the same thing, of course, but I think they can have the same motivations.

 

This interests me because it is related to one of the problems in my marriage: my husband had (has?) a long "flirtation" going on with another woman and I am trying to understand the meaning of his behaviour. I don't expect to learn the answer from him as he simply denies it. Further, I think I prefer to not hear him admit that he was flirting/had a crush (or worse!) since without an admission I can harbour some doubt about my observations and what they mean.

 

The way I see it, the flirtation could have arisen a number of ways, based on timing:

 

1. He just found himself attracted to her, and acted on it. Simple.

 

2. He had just lost a lot of weight, was "feeling his oats" and wanted to try out his charms on an attractive woman who responded in a flattering manner.

 

3. He and I had just had a huge, ugly episode that left him feeling very angry at me and he started a flirtation out of hostility to "punish" me.

 

4. He and I had just had a huge, ugly episode that left him feeling very angry at me and he started a flirtation to test the waters with other women to see how easily I was replaced.

 

For those who have flirted/cheated, or know why their partner did - which of these ring true? Is it "common" to flirt/cheat out of anger?

[reef man]

In response to a different thread, one poster wrote that he cheated on his wife because he was angry with her.

 

What do you all think of anger as a motivation for cheating or flirtation?

 

 

There is no motivation that can be used to cheat. And flirting to get back at a SO is just immature.

 

If you cheat or flirt because you they made you mad, or for any other reason, don't be surprised when your dumped on your butt.

[Sheba]

Well, I agree of course - perhaps I would feel a bit better if it was related to something other than "he is attracted to her"? On the other hand, if every time he gets mad at me he uses that as a rationale to justify this sort of behaviour it is really just another way to be cruel, isn't it?

[princssangl0204]

I don't think doing anything out of anger in a relationship is healthy period.

This interests me because it is related to one of the problems in my marriage: my husband had (has?) a long "flirtation" going on with another woman and I am trying to understand the meaning of his behaviour. I don't expect to learn the answer from him as he simply denies it. Further, I think I prefer to not hear him admit that he was flirting/had a crush (or worse!) since without an admission I can harbour some doubt about my observations and what they mean.

 

It means he is human..... we as a society like to think that once we say I do and put on the ring we loose all sense of our sexuality unless it is directed at our spouse. It is a human response..... he finds her attractive and responds to that. I catch my husband flirting with other women and find it cute. It also makes him feel good when his flirting is recrepricated (sp?). Who wouldn't want to feel attractive to someone else??

 

I don't see a problem with flirting so long as boundaries aren't crossed, I think it is a completely natural response to finding someone attractive, and I don't think it automatically means someone is capable of cheating.

[Sheba]

You are more secure than I am, clearly, Princess. I actually believe that I could get over a little flirtation here and there, of the sort you describe - a minor response to meeting someone attractive. I would put that in the second category of my original list - "feeling his oats". To me, this feels the least threatening.

 

It is the long standing interaction that is really troubling, especially once I told him that I found it worrisome and asked him to stop. I expected denials and reassurances and some sort of moderation of his behaviour, but instead, his reaction was very over the top -absolute fury. I am trying to figure out what motivated it in the first place, given what was going on in our relationship at the time it started.

[princssangl0204]

It is the long standing interaction that is really troubling, especially once I told him that I found it worrisome and asked him to stop.

 

asking him to stop being visually stimulated is like asking you to stop breathing...... it isn't possible.

 

I expected denials and reassurances and some sort of moderation of his behaviour, but instead, his reaction was very over the top -absolute fury. I am trying to figure out what motivated it in the first place, given what was going on in our relationship at the time it started.

 

really think about it I would be a little angry if my husband asked me to stop fantasizing about someone I saw on tv or walking down the street. Women are more emotionally charged and man are more visually charged. You asking him to do something that is physically impossible so I would imagine it would be infuriating.

 

I don't know the situation of the relationship when it started so I can't really give you an educated response to that, but i am just guessing that it probably had noting to do with the relationship at all it was just the point where you started to notice it and it bothered you.

[Sheba]

Your comment that the timing may be "when I noticed" as opposed to "when it started" is a good observation. That is possible.

 

I actually don't think I could "make" him stop thinking someone was attractive. I don't expect to control his thoughts! I have no idea who he might fantasize about and am content to leave him with his private thoughts without attempting to pry them out of him.

 

I believe that all we can ask of someone is that they moderate their conduct.

[StayClose]

Men have an emotional need to be admired and wanted by women. It feels good to us, even if it's not followed through to sex.

 

Emotionally healthy men in emotionally healthy relationships get all the admiration and male ego stroking they need from their spouses. They don't deliberately seek this attention from other women, and may not be comfortable when they receives it.

 

But not all men, not all spouses and not all relationships are healthy. An insecure man may seek out this attention from other women even of he has a loving, attentive wife.

 

And if the wife is nagging, controlling, manipulative and withholds sexual attention, then he finds attention from other women flattering and ego-boosting, because it's meeing an emotional need he's not getting at home.

 

I don't think anyone on a message board can confidently diagnose exactly what's happening in your message board, but this is another explanation of why a married man might flirt with other women.

[Sheba]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, Stay Close.

 

I am by nature a very affectionate person and am very interested in sex with my husband. I never withhold sexual attention from him, he is much more likely to withhold that sort of attention from me.

 

I have made a special effort in this relationship to say aloud to him every good thought I have about him - I tell him all the time I think he is handsome and sexy and smart and funny.

 

I am very confident that there is no shortfall from me in this department.

 

I am not a nag either, except for my dogged insistence that we deal with certain ongoing issues in our relationship. We are going to a marriage counsellor now and it is my hope that we can discuss and resolve those issues.

 

I think it is very possible that his insecurity leads him to seek attention from other women, and that conduct causes me a great deal of grief due to my own insecurity. Perhaps we are very unsuited to each other as a result.