Analyse this: ex-bf's puzzling behaviour

[Carbine]

My boyfriend broke up with me about 6 months ago. He broke up with me for numerous reasons/problems, most of which were caused by my low-self esteem, as well as the conditions that I suffer (depression and chronic post-traumatic stress disorder). I know I hurt him a lot and made his life hell even though he really tried hard to help me for the 16 months we were together. Although I'm desperate to get back with him, he says there's absolutely no chance and that he just wants to remain friends. Often I ask him if he might be open to even slightest possibility for us getting back together in the future, if I triumph over my problems/bad habits. He always replies "No, there's absolutely no chance". When I ask why the answer is usually the same "I don't want to lull you into a false sense of security".

 

However, while he's extremely busy with work, he still comes over about once a week and spends the night sleeping next to me. While we've only had sex once, we usually end up masturbating next to each other, sometimes with a bit of mutual touching going on. Also, he helps me out with money/bills and gives me advice and assistance with my life etc. The other day he even organised for me to see a psychologist and offered to pay for ongoing appointments without any request from me.

 

I find all this kind of confusing and wonder why he's making the effort. I suspect that it's because he feels guilty about breaking up with me, as I don't have much support and am very lonely. And also that he just wants to see me get well because part of him still cares about me. I've discussed this with both male and female friends and they seem to think that this is not the case. Most of them believe that 'a breakup is a breakup' and that 'guys simply won't make the effort (that my ex is making) if the relationship truly is over'.

 

Most people have advised me to back off and let him have his space, hence I haven't really broached the subject with him recently. However, I accidentally overheard him telling a girl he's interested in that he tries to spend time with me because I have no one else and that I won't leave him alone.

 

So what on earth is going on in his head?? . Is it possible that he might be waiting for me to get over my problems and thus, give me a chance in the future? Or is he simply being a nice guy? ARRGGGHHH!!!!

[baden]

I wouldn't hold onto the false hope that once you deal with the things you are going through he will see you in a different light. Focus on yourself and get well for you...love yourself first and then find someone to share your happiness with. No one can make you happy but yourself. Good luck

 

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere." ~ Buddha

[sb129]

Carbine, I remember your posts from 6 months ago, and your BF behaved like an ass towards you on MORE than one occasion.

 

 

And he is still behaving like an ass if he is staying over at your house, with no intentions of getting back with you, and while he knows that you have hopes of getting back together.

 

I am disappointed you seem to blame yourself for everything.

 

Concentrate on getting yourself sorted out- WITHOUT this guy in your life. Its making it too hard for you, and he is messing with your head by doing the things he is doing.

 

Be strong.... you can do it. Without him.

[Carbine]

sb129! How are you?? Yes, agreed he can be an ass at times, but keep in mind my posts 6 months ago were pretty narrowly focussed, mostly on my obsession with the whole strippers/porn thing. Admittedly, I was stirring up a lot of the friction between us on purpose and out of sheer selfishness. I feel that I've changed a bit since then...

 

I respect what you're saying, but why do you think he's still being an ass? We don't really fight much anymore and he certainly never puts pressure on me to have sex or to do anything sexual now, quite the opposite in fact. A lot of the nights he comes over we just order a pizza, watch a movie and go to sleep. I'm not really sure what you mean by 'messing with my head' exactly...hey, at AU $145 per week (for the shrink) that's some pretty expensive messing...

[sb129]

I must admit Carbine, you do sound ALOT better than you did 6 months ago, and I am proud of you for that!

 

This is why I think he's being an ass

 

While we've only had sex once, we usually end up masturbating next to each other, sometimes with a bit of mutual touching going on.

 

Because that is leading you to think there could be a chance with him later on.

And he is messing with your head because he does that BUT still says things like this

 

He always replies "No, there's absolutely no chance". When I ask why the answer is usually the same "I don't want to lull you into a false sense of security".

 

 

While this

 

Also, he helps me out with money/bills and gives me advice and assistance with my life etc. The other day he even organised for me to see a psychologist and offered to pay for ongoing appointments without any request from me.

 

is very nice, it isn't allowing you to distance yourself from him and stand on your own two feet.

 

I suspect that it's because he feels guilty about breaking up with me, as I don't have much support and am very lonely. And also that he just wants to see me get well because part of him still cares about me.

Of course he still cares about you. And I suspect he does feel a little bit guilty.

 

I've discussed this with both male and female friends and they seem to think that this is not the case. Most of them believe that 'a breakup is a breakup' and that 'guys simply won't make the effort (that my ex is making) if the relationship truly is over'.

I really think that this is wishful thinking on your part Carbine, because in the next breath, you write this:

 

I accidentally overheard him telling a girl he's interested in that he tries to spend time with me because I have no one else and that I won't leave him alone.

 

While I feel really sad that you heard the above, I think that this is the most likely indication if his true feelings. Why would he say that to someone if he didn't mean it?

 

I have really noticed a change in your posts, you are less bitter, less aggressive, and more willing to accept some responsibility for your own life which is FANTASTIC!!!

 

But you really need to put a stop to these sleepovers, and you need to stop asking him if he will come back to you.

 

I want to tell you to go NC completely, but its hard because he is paying for your therapist.

 

Concentrate on YOU, and getting yourself better for YOU, not him.

If he asks why you are limiting contact, say that it is the only way you can get over him.