Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I've given a lot of thought lately to the concept of trust, both in romantic and platonic relationships. However, lately I've been more introspective regarding the former because I find myself repeatedly giving it, and giving it some more, only to have it betrayed time and time again. I am one of those people who gives trust freely and openly until I'm given reason not to. This is probably very naive of me (actually IS naive of me, as experience has demonstrated), but it's the way I operate. I'm freakishly optimistic, I guess, and bounce back (eventually) from every heartbreak. As a result, everyone pretty much starts off with a full glass of trust in my book. However, once I'm given a reason not to trust someone, it's hard to ever get back to that full glass...it'll always be a little emptier than it was in the beginning. On the opposite end of the spectrum of the trust scale is each and every guy I've ever dated. FF said, "You can't just go throwing trust around all willy nilly, Star. It's gotta be EARNED." (This has always offended me, for I pride myself on my trustworthiness, particularly within a romantic relationship...but maybe he was trying to tell me that HE wasn't to be trusted...?) Anyway, these people seem to start with an empty glass of trust, adding and taking away trust from the glass as the relationship progresses. The amount of trust is always in flux...which to me seems really unstable. So, help me understand the earned-trust perspective. Is the person who thinks trust needs to be earned someone who's been hurt before, and so they're gunshy and need the other person to prove themself? Or is it possible that the person who doesn't trust freely is someone who really should not be trusted himself (much like the suspicious cheating spouse/SO)? Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Star Gazer Good post! I had same issue too. I am thinking Trust should be based on knowledge. What does this mean? It takes time to know a person and this is sound and rooted in reality, not imagination. Unless you can hear directly from God and know "this is the one". Trust should NOT be based on blindness. We just can NOT assume every man we meet or fall in love with is mature and honest. These charators (I believe every woman wants in a man) just CAN NOT be known in a short time period. We have to observe for a while. Trust also mean that you know he isn't mature and honest, but you choose to believe that he will change to be more mature, but YOU cannot change him, only God can change him. and we should be aware of the PIRCE we pay if we concentrate on the potential because it takes patience and endurance and sacrifice to wait out. Basically human has both good sides and bad sides. We cannot assume they are perfect, and this will bring frustration. The safe method is that observe them for a while, mainly for action, and go for the steady honest ones. If they are not honest, then consider if you want to pay the price. Link to post Share on other sites
Great Gazoo Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I would think that people who think trust has to be earned are the ones that have been hurt before to the point of abuse or being taken advantage of. They have a sense if someone can earn their trust they can earn their love. They are guarded and as they start to trust someone they let them into their hearts. That's just my opinion I could be wrong. For myself I am like you where I trust someone with a full glass but in my case I find the glass quickly starts to empty and I also find it very hard to trust that person 100 percent after. I am not really sure which way is better, in some ways I think letting a person earn your trust is better. Yes the level of trust may be unstable but they have a chance of earning 100 percent of your trust. When you start with a full glass, you trust someone fully but after you lose some of that trust it can never be fully replaced so in some ways does it not leave a void in the relationship from the start? Something that will never be the same again. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I start out neutral with people and give them the benefit of the doubt and then my trust for them increases or decreases over the course of whatever takes place. I'm sure not trusting blindly has something to do with past relationships but it's also sort of the way I was raised. My dad is a pretty cynical, very pragmatic person. I'd like to think I can be trusted though. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 If a person put their trust constantly on wrong persons, then they need to change their radar. Study what a honest man and righteous man look like and act, may help. The righteous men in Bible are good samples:p Sorry if I am off topic Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 In my relationships I don't trust anybody until they prove otherwise. Too many snakes in this world. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Or is it possible that the person who doesn't trust freely is someone who really should not be trusted himself (much like the suspicious cheating spouse/SO)? I would say this is probably a pretty accurate statement. FF might have been telegraphing to you when he said that. Or else, the people that don't trust freely come from a somewhat noxious environment where trust is not common. In this case, that would also be a concern as their schema of trust would be much different that yours. Don't ever let people change you. I'm like you and always trust until I have a reason not to. I could never let a past relationship taint how I view a new girl. that just isn't fair. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 My marriage counsellor would credit your father with your good attitude, StarGazer. She has "blamed" my father for the fact that I am a person who needs others to "prove" their trustworthiness to me. This was very hard for me to hear as my father is a very good father now, however it is he was almost completely absent during my youth. His presence was felt mainly as a disciplinarian that appeared rarely and loved me conditionally based on my good performance at school. According to the counsellor, as a result of my father's lack of loving involvement in my childhood, I am left with a deep-seated feeling that I am not worthy of being loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 My marriage counsellor would credit your father with your good attitude, StarGazer. Ha! Not sure that's possible, seeing as he hasn't been in my life for the past 28.70 years (and I'm 29). Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Ha! Not sure that's possible, seeing as he hasn't been in my life for the past 28.70 years (and I'm 29). Interesting. And sad too, of course. Was there another father figure in your life? Stepdad or grandpa, perhaps? According to the counsellor, we each need a loving relationship with the opposite sex parent (or parental figure) to teach us that we are worthy of being loved by the opposite sex. Not that I credit her with genius about the human race, of course. She seems to be working for my husband and I though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 Interesting. And sad too, of course. Was there another father figure in your life? Stepdad or grandpa, perhaps? According to the counsellor, we each need a loving relationship with the opposite sex parent (or parental figure) to teach us that we are worthy of being loved by the opposite sex. Not that I credit her with genius about the human race, of course. She seems to be working for my husband and I though. Please don't pity me, I don't feel it's sad. I don't think most people in my shoes would think it was either. My circumstances are just different. Nope, no father figures. And somehow, I think I came out just fine. No serious damage done. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy though - I've pretty much had to figure everything about life, who I am, etc., out on my own without any guidance from family. While I love my mom a ton, and she's been a great support, she honestly hasn't taught me a damn thing except that you can't rely on anyone but yourself. I've never really had a family member as a role model...I've had to look elsewhere. That said, I can understand why someone would think that women need loving relationships with their fathers. In certain ways I can see some issues stemming from his absence, but more so BECAUSE of why he wasn't around (if he had passed or something I think I'd feel differently). However, I know quite a few girls with amazing fathers/parents who have ten-times the men issues I do. EDIT: I take that back. My mom is the most socially naive person I know....I guess she did teach me something...although, it doesn't seem that's the way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Don't ever let people change you. I'm like you and always trust until I have a reason not to. I could never let a past relationship taint how I view a new girl. that just isn't fair. That is such a great thing to say. I totally agree. Star, I see ALOT of myself in you. We have quite a few similarities. I have made so many mistakes trusting guys who I shouldn't have, and I have got dreadfully hurt along the way. The last R before Wonderboy should by rights have had me swearing off men for life!!!!! It was abusive, destructive and awful. But it didn't. It just taught me how to see a few more warning signs a bit earlier, and it taught me that I am worth it. (loreal hahaha) I haven't stopped throwing my trust to people- and it has finally paid off. Wonderboy is fully deserving of my trust, and it is reciprocated. I met wonderboy the day after my 29th birthday.... so all is not lost! YOU are worth it too SG..... you really are. And there is someone out there deserving of your trust and love. Don't stop being yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 If a person put their trust constantly on wrong persons, then they need to change their radar. Good comment LB.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 What I find interesting about myself is that professionally speaking, I trust NO ONE. I email my secretary things to make sure I have her tasks in writing. I strategize and CYA all day long when dealing with opposing counsel. I'm always on the offensive, protecting my clients' interests, and negotiating the best possible end result. I'm like a bulldog. But when it comes to myself, it's almost as though I offer myself up to get hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm like an open book - and I hand over my trust....like a baby puppy or something. I guess I do this blindly. Despite the crazy sh*t I've been through with guys, somehow I just can't bring myself to put any sort of wall or barrier up. I'm like one of those blow-up bunching bag people - that you can knock down and it pops back up (maybe a little slower, but it still gets there). I'm worried about getting the air beat out of me... Link to post Share on other sites
DOA Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 I'm an extremely untrusting person, due to having many close former friends backstab me for their own advantage. However, this mistrust placed within friendships never crossed over into my trust in relationships. I never really understood how I could only have the glass half empty when it came to making friends, yet have it totally full with a new bf. I suppose I was always just such an old romantic at heart and always wanted to believe in the power of love...until... My first serious bf cheated on me with one of my best friends. It was a reminder of how I had that vicious repetitive cycle of backstabbing close friends, now combined with an untrustworthy snake of a bf. After that experience, my trust in relationships was destroyed. Now I'm unfortunately an extremely cynical, tough judge of character, who will never open my heart to someone or allow them to have the benefit of the doubt so easily until I know them quite well. I never want to experience that scenario again, as I feel it also reflects on my seemingly recurring poor judgment. My eyes are no longer shut. Instead, both are now wide open. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Same here. Professionally I take no sh** (I am kind and caring too tho!), and never take things personally. I get things done, and expect high standards from my auxiliary staff. It used to frustrate the hell out of me that I would be so in control at work but not at home. SG- stop beating yourself up. You aren't going to change, and nobody thinks you should. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 What I find interesting about myself is that professionally speaking, I trust NO ONE. I email my secretary things to make sure I have her tasks in writing. I strategize and CYA all day long when dealing with opposing counsel. I'm always on the offensive, protecting my clients' interests, and negotiating the best possible end result. I'm like a bulldog. Hahaha... that is such a description of me while working. Most people, particularly women in careers, learn to CYA and be very determined. Without these components, you don't get very far in life. As for my trust cup. Sometimes it runneth over and sometimes it starts empty. It's strongly reliant on the first impression the individual gives to me. If the cup is empty, I don't consider the individual dating material. I've only changed my mind once and that turned into the biggest mistake of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 An action you take when pelagic is standing behind you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 An action you take when pelagic is standing behind you... CYA = "cover your a.s.s." Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 LOL. Thanks for clearing that up guys! Is this avatar better SG? Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Do Like They said when signing nuclear arms treaties in the Cold War " Trust but verify." I'm pretty good a reading people. Like many when it comes to the heart I just can't seem to take off the rose colored glass. They do cloud my vision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 LOL. Thanks for clearing that up guys! Is this avatar better SG? Neither seem to exemplify your lovely personality, S. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Neither seem to exemplify your lovely personality, S. But I am cheeky AND cuddly. Not orange tho... And a zip for a mouth could come in handy, although it would beno good on here cos I could still type cheeky posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2007 Author Share Posted June 8, 2007 Do Like They said when signing nuclear arms treaties in the Cold War " Trust but verify." That totally wouldn't work for me. Verification would require checking up, snooping, etc. That's so not my style - not only because I'm not one to invade someone's privacy to satisfy my neurosis, but because I'd be afraid of what I'd find. I trust until there's reason not to...and I trust my gut. It hasn't failed me yet. Link to post Share on other sites
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