Krytellan Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 I trust until there's reason not to...and I trust my gut. It hasn't failed me yet. That's really the key I think. Trust like you've never been hurt, but don't be afraid to tell them how it is when they've screwed up. Trusting people doesn't have to equate to letting them walk on you, and I wonder how many people commenting on this see those 2 things as being one. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 Currently my heart is closed after having trust betrayed. When I open it, however, I wouldn't say trust has to be earned. I trust too much and I have been taken advantage of. I've trusted blindly, when I should have trusted with my eyes wide open. Some of it has to do with naivety, being a late bloomer to the dating scene. An example: my ex accompanied me on a work trip from SoCal to Boston last fall. We had the most amazing time. But her ex called and text messaged and she didn't respond. When we were back she told me she told him she went to Boston to see her friend, which is why she didn't get back to him sooner (she did get to see her friend). She didn't want to hurt his feelings by telling him she had a new bf she was on a trip with. Ok. So I have my own issue there regarding her being in contact with the ex and their level of friendship. That was naivety. But what I mean by trusting with my eyes open is that right in front of my face, she would lie to someone to "spare his feelings." It was still a lie. And it did make me think, if she'll lie to him, will she lie to me? But I dismissed it because she hadn't really given me reason not to trust. Their relationship was over. She was an amazing gf to me, reliable, always calling, very affectionate and attentive. BUT SHE SHOWED IN ACTIONS SHE COULD NOT BE TRUSTED. I ignored it because she hadn't violated my trust yet. This all bit me in the ass later BIG TIME, as the ex actually tried to get her back, even proposing to her while she was my gf, and she didn't tell me about it. I will trust again and I will give someone the benefit of the doubt, but I will pay more attention to how they interact with their friends, how they ended their past relationships, etc. For example, many men and women line up their next relationship before ending the old. My ex had that history. I now realize someone like that, who hasn't been on their own, likely doesn't deserve my full trust unless they prove themselves to be assertive. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 That's really the key I think. Trust like you've never been hurt, but don't be afraid to tell them how it is when they've screwed up. Trusting people doesn't have to equate to letting them walk on you, and I wonder how many people commenting on this see those 2 things as being one. I totally agree. I let my ex walk on me; I'd definitely communicate how I felt and if I felt disrespect but I wouldn't assign repercussions to that. I didn't make it clear what was unacceptable to me. I expressed concern, she'd reassure me, and I'd let it drop. In future relationships, if I express concern, the girl with have to move towards my side of the spectrum, not all the way, but enough that I know she takes my feelings seriously and knows what my expectations are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 8, 2007 Author Share Posted June 8, 2007 Trusting people doesn't have to equate to letting them walk on you, and I wonder how many people commenting on this see those 2 things as being one. Exactly! I don't see them as one and the same at all - not by a long shot. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I am not very trusting of people, purely based on empirical observation and evidence. When given the chance, and sufficient incentive, lots of people will betray trust. The only people I really trust a lot are my parents and one or two very close friends. Trust gets built up over a long time by observing how someone acts when they are in a situation where they can act honestly or dishonestly - especially situations where they can get away with being dishonest, or even profit from it. If someone does the right thing even at considerable cost, normally you can trust them to do the right thing in general. But ultimately, the only person you can trust 100% is yourself. Most people have a price. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 What I find interesting about myself is that professionally speaking, I trust NO ONE. I email my secretary things to make sure I have her tasks in writing. I strategize and CYA all day long when dealing with opposing counsel. I'm always on the offensive, protecting my clients' interests, and negotiating the best possible end result. I'm like a bulldog. But when it comes to myself, it's almost as though I offer myself up to get hurt. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm like an open book - and I hand over my trust....like a baby puppy or something. I guess I do this blindly. Despite the crazy sh*t I've been through with guys, somehow I just can't bring myself to put any sort of wall or barrier up. I'm like one of those blow-up bunching bag people - that you can knock down and it pops back up (maybe a little slower, but it still gets there). I'm worried about getting the air beat out of me... Why do you think you have this dichotomy between work & personal life? After all, the people who you deal with at work are dating and/or married to other people. The same secretary and opposing counsel you don't trust may well be blindly trusted by another "Star Gazer" type when they get home from work. It does seem a bit inconsistent. Link to post Share on other sites
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 (This has always offended me, for I pride myself on my trustworthiness, particularly within a romantic relationship...but maybe he was trying to tell me that HE wasn't to be trusted...?) So, help me understand the earned-trust perspective. Is the person who thinks trust needs to be earned someone who's been hurt before, and so they're gunshy and need the other person to prove themself? Or is it possible that the person who doesn't trust freely is someone who really should not be trusted himself (much like the suspicious cheating spouse/SO)? Not to be a pain, but didn't you admit to having cheated once? As to the last part of your post, I think it's a little of column A, a little of column B. I think that "gunshy" people don't allow themselves to trust people because they don't want to run the risk of being hurt. (Maybe they've seen dysfunctional models growing up?) They often haven't seen real love (platonic or otherwise) so the fear of betrayal, for them, is greater than the rewards of love. That could lead them then to commit acts of betrayal to ensure they are never the ones to be hurt, because you can't be betrayed if you were never being loyal in the first place. And then because they are committing these acts, they are incapable of trusting others. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 Not to be a pain, but didn't you admit to having cheated once? And? I'm not sure I understand your point...? In addition, the details of my single incident are of the classic, "We were on a break!" variety. He thought were were not supposed to see other people; I thought that was the point of the break itself. Whether I cheated really depends on your perspective towards that situation. As to the last part of your post, I think it's a little of column A, a little of column B. I think that "gunshy" people don't allow themselves to trust people because they don't want to run the risk of being hurt. (Maybe they've seen dysfunctional models growing up?) They often haven't seen real love (platonic or otherwise) so the fear of betrayal, for them, is greater than the rewards of love. That could lead them then to commit acts of betrayal to ensure they are never the ones to be hurt, because you can't be betrayed if you were never being loyal in the first place. And then because they are committing these acts, they are incapable of trusting others. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.... See that's what I don't understand. I didn't have a positive model of real love growing up, and I've been hurt more than most...and yet somehow I still walk in blindly, giving trust freely until it's shattered. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I still say you should keep trusting till the right person comes along. Losing your faith in men and love may close doors for you. You never know whats just around the corner! Link to post Share on other sites
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 And? I'm not sure I understand your point...? In addition, the details of my single incident are of the classic, "We were on a break!" variety. He thought were were not supposed to see other people; I thought that was the point of the break itself. Whether I cheated really depends on your perspective towards that situation. See that's what I don't understand. I didn't have a positive model of real love growing up, and I've been hurt more than most...and yet somehow I still walk in blindly, giving trust freely until it's shattered. I would say that's not cheating. So I stand corrected. You have a clean slate. I think some people are just stronger and more resilient than others. Did you grow up with your parents telling you to trust no one? Did your father cheat on your mother? After being pushed away from your mother repeatedly? Did both of them fight in front of you? Did they rarely show affection to you or say anything positive? That's the sort of thing I am talking about, which I experienced. Yay me! Even a neutral situation would have been better than what I got. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 I think some people are just stronger and more resilient than others. Did you grow up with your parents telling you to trust no one? Did your father cheat on your mother? After being pushed away from your mother repeatedly? Did both of them fight in front of you? No to all of the above. Did they rarely show affection to you or say anything positive? Yes to this...but it wasn't negative, it was more like the absence of any comment or affection at all. Link to post Share on other sites
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Well I think it's great you've turned out as you did. I get the sense you are braver than most. Choosing not to trust people is the coward's way of dealing, for sure. I got a lot of outright negative comments from my parents, and I still do. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I'm not very of trusting of people in general but with those that I get involved with, I tend to trust them completely right up front. I can only think of one girlfriend that I didn't trust and that was because I feared that she might steal from me. She never has and although our little fling was short lived, she's become one of my closest, most trusted friends. But then, I tend to approach women as interesting characters that I'd like to know more about, to discover in a most playful manner. Sex is just a happy byproduct of the adventure. From this perspective, if she is hanging out with other guys I don't feel betrayed, as most guys do, because I am more interested in who she is, not who I'd like her to be Sure, I've been hurt in the past but I've always gotten over it. It's like with my bicycle, ever so often I'll crash but it doesn't stop me from getting back on and riding again. Link to post Share on other sites
Aussie65 Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 I am like yourself Star gazer in the way where I always start someone off on a full glass.My current (hanging in there) boyfriend got 101 % from me first up then it's been one thing after another and yes,I too forgive(not forget) but allow him to try and change those certain things in him.I have always been a person that tries to see good in everyone and unfortunately I have been hurt many times even by a so-called best friend of 22 years who took advantage of my generosity.....just my nature i guess. My boyfriend was talking about going away working for a few weeks soon...I told him it is way too soon and unfortunately due to whats happened I don't think I can trust him 100 %.Yes a working trip but plenty of time to run with the boys too. It's right in saying it's about maturity and honestly....mine lacks those qualities and one would think by the age of 39 he would have grown up by now. My OH now has to earn his trust...where once he had it all,he now has to prove himself and whinge all he likes for it is him that did this....at least I have been kind (or foolish lol) whichever way one wants to look at it...to give him a chance to earn it back. I could be setting myself up yet for another heartbreak..who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
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