I'm not good enough for the wedding?

[alwaysinthought]

Hello all.. just registered to ask you all this, I apologize for the lengthyness.

 

Growing up, I had no sisters. I had 2 older female cousins that I was extremely close with.. they are sisters, and I'm the cousin. The younger one (Sarah) is 3 years older than me, and the older one (Lisa) is 5 years older than me. I was always closer with Sarah, not "picking favorites" type of thing, but we just bonded better whether it was our age or something else. When we were younger, we'd be insperable at any family events. As we grew (16ish), we would drive seperately from our parents so we could stay longer than our families just to have some "cousin time." We'd often go out to lunch, shopping, movies etc with one another. Occasionally Lisa would join us, but for the most part it was Sarah & I. We'd have sleepovers from the time we were 4 until we were both out of college. We continued this close relationship and were always the best of friends, only better because we were family. I have often considered Sarah to be the older sister i'd always wanted but never have. I can't recall a time where we have ever fought over anything, ever.

 

Then came last year, when Sarah (then 26) got engaged. Obviously, her sister was the maid of honor. Then came the bridesmaids: her fiances sister, her fiances sister in law, 1 of her friends (which she often complained about to me in secret), another friend whose wedding she was in, a childhood friend, and her fiances cousins wife. No me. No explaination.

 

To say that I was crushed would be a total understatement. I was completely heart broken. I felt more betrayed then I ever have in my entire life. I'm not one to define my relationships by these types of things, I'm really not, but to have NO explanation or any sort about this... wow. It shocks me that she continues to talk to me as though nothing out of the ordinary happened... she talks centerpieces, bridesmaids dresses, and honeymoon destinations with me. She asked me to go get her dress fitted with her... and several other major things. To be fair, she doesn't know I'm upset about it and I don't really feel like addressing it. Although, I feel it should be assumed i'm upset.

 

I had originally (all my life) planned on asking her to be my maid of honor (until she pulled this little stunt.) Lisa asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.

 

 

So I have a few questions for you LSers:

1. Would it be rude of me to skip Sarah's reception next weekend? I don't know if I have the heart to watch it all happen and not be apart of it. I don't even mean to be a bitch or anything about it, but I'm afraid it would seriously depress me.

2. Would it be rude of me to include Lisa in my wedding and not Sarah at all?

3. Am I in the wrong about being upset about all of this?!

 

 

thanks guys, sorry for the length.

[dropdeadlegs]

1. Would it be rude of me to skip Sarah's reception next weekend? I don't know if I have the heart to watch it all happen and not be apart of it. I don't even mean to be a bitch or anything about it, but I'm afraid it would seriously depress me.

2. Would it be rude of me to include Lisa in my wedding and not Sarah at all?

3. Am I in the wrong about being upset about all of this?!

 

1) You have to go to the wedding and reception. Leave your heart at home if you must. Yes, it would be rude not to attend without an explanation or even a discussion with Sarah about why.

2) Who you include in your wedding is up to you. My suggestion would be to include both of them in your wedding party if your wedding party is big enough to accommodate both. Two wrongs won't make a right and you have a lot of history with Sarah. Lisa included you, so I would probably include her.

3) I won't say you're wrong about being upset. You cannot help your feelings! I do hope you can find a way to get past it in due time. It would have been helpful if Sarah had explained why you were not chosen, but it seems she doesn't feel "wrong" about her decision since she has not offered an explanation and continues to include you in other aspects of the planning and event. If you can talk to her about it without making a big "to-do" I think you should. Sharing your disappointment, if you can do it in a way that isn't condescending or would cause you (or her) to flip out, might make you feel better in the long run.

 

Has Lisa or your Aunt mentioned anything to you or your mother about their surprise you were not asked to be in the wedding party? Have you talked to your Mom about your feelings? It seems like SOMEONE should have mentioned it since your family seems pretty close AND you stood in Lisa's wedding.

 

Choosing your bridesmaids must be difficult. When you have a best friend and a sister, the Maid of Honor choice must be horrible to make. I was only in one wedding (my sister's) and I hated the whole experience, but that's just me. I never had a "real" wedding, just marriages.

 

I do understand why you are upset. If Sarah had explained months ago I think your hurt feelings would have been healed enough to not feel like attending would only depress you.

[alwaysinthought]

Thanks for your response dropdeadlegs...

 

Lisa has not ever mentioned anything about it to me about Sarah's wedding.

 

I have expressed my displeasure to my mom about the whole thing, and she basically said it's her wedding, she can do what she wants. The grandma I share with Sarah and Lisa is extremely upset and is as bewildered as I am about the whole thing. My grandma has expressed her displeasure to Lisa, my mom, my aunt, and me. They all tell her that it is Sarah's wedding and Sarah can choose what she wants to do.

 

Our grandmother is very unhappy, as the groom gets 3 of his family members in the bridal party and our family only gets one.

 

I don't know if and when I should bring it up, I'm not really one to talk about these sort of things, especially when I feel like I'm either going to yell a whole lot and burn a lot of bridges, or cry a lot and look ridiculous.

[a4a]

I have to wonder how the OP might feel if people were telling her who she had to select for her wedding party?

 

Sarah may feel closer to the people she chose. That might be tough for you to understand because you think you are the best of friends, but you cannot control how people feel about you. In her eyes you are not as close as you think you are perhaps? I guess that would hurt but no reason to cause drama.

 

You should be happy for her and enjoy yourself as a guest at the wedding.

 

You can choose who you would like in your wedding party and you should not catch any flack for it either - from family or friends.

[bab]

Why not offer to be in charge of the guest book, or just ask her if there is anything she'd like you to take care of the day of? Continue to be there for her. There could be a myriad of reasons she didn't ask you, not all evil.

 

You should go to the reception. Just being there you will be a part of it. Give lots of hugs, dance with her, celebrate with her. That's what this time is about.

[curiousnycgirl]

I know at this moment this seems like the biggest slight in the world and very hurtful - but in time it will turn into a big so what. Now is certainly not the time to discuss your hurt though - that should have happened months ago when you weren't asked.

 

The only thing I can think of - as to why you were not included in the wedding part might be money. I know it is a personal question, but is money tight on your side of the family?

 

Otherwise it sounds like everyone is just pussy footing around Sarah since you have not mentioned HER reaction to your grandmother's anger, I'm just assuming no one has spoken with HER.

 

At this point I would say you just need to move past it and enjoy the day. I totally agree with everyone else - you need to go to the wedding not only would not attending be rude, but trust me you will regret not going later on.

 

As for whether or not to include her in your wedding, this is not a tit for tat thing. If she is especially close to you then I think you should include her. Everyone sets their own priorities on this. If I had to include everyone who's bridal party I have been in in mine, I would have over 40 attendants! Thank G-d when I finally get married I intend to elope.

 

This is a life long friendship that you are thinking of walking away from - trust me it's not worth it. In the scheme of things this hurt you are feeling today while totally valid, is only temporary (I am sure you will feel way better after the wedding is over - and in a month won't even think of it), and actually quite insigificant in the greater picture.

 

I hope you can put this behind you and have a great time this weekend!

[dropdeadlegs]

I agree with curiousnycgirl that it really should have been brought up months ago instead of days before the nuptials. Somehow I think that you will get over the disappointment in short time, but if not, then address it directly with Sarah at some appropriate point in the near future, after the hubbub has died down. It sounds as if no explanation has been given within the family, or nobody is willing to share it with you.

 

Until then, look at the bright side. YOU get to attend the wedding without any responsibility for the complexities of the even. YOU get to wear something flattering (those dresses never look very good to me and almost never are flattering to all members of the bridal party.) YOU get to wear comfortable shoes and kick up your heels. YOU don't have to abandon your date several times during the event.

 

I know you are hurt, but I would be relieved. My sister asked me to stand in her second wedding and i flat out refused. I live half way across the country and had no interest in dress fitting via telephone or something. I did have a great time at the wedding, though!

[LN99]

Look at it this way, at least you can enjoy the wedding! I would go if I were you. Being in the wedding party can really suck! I was in two weddings as the maid of honor. My sis had two maids of honor for her wedding...me and her best friend. The other, My closest childhood friend chose me, but it was definately a stressful day.

 

My sis had our cousin stand up in her wedding, but my sister wasn't even asked to be in my cousin's wedding. She wasn't mad about it. She knew my cousin had obligations to immediate family. Plus those weddings with an abnormally large amount of bridesmaids can get crazy.

 

I had a friend who got married last year. She asked two of my close friends to be in the wedding, invited many people I was friends with, worked with, and went to school with, but never invited me. That hurt. Even the people in the wedding thought it was weird I was never invited. But, I just saw it as one less person to buy a gift for and one less invitation on my part to have to send one day. Plus, what goes around comes around.