Wife just asked for a divorce, WTF!

[a4a]

See this is what I have done, looked at my shortcoming especially over the last 6 months. As in not following through on things I said I would do, helping with more of the chores around the house. Doing favors for her that she can't get accomplished around work. But damn if one thing isn't done or goes wrong she goes off on me. I am walking on pins and needles worrying about what she will yell about next. See I think I figured what is making her hate marriage. Before we met we were both successful ($100k+) a year, had our own homes, etc. By cooincidence my pay was cut in half after 2 months of marriage, the housing market took a dump and we can't get out of a rental property we bought, we can't sell our existing house, she got a promotion that pays less and makes her drive more. So I feel sometimes like she equates all this turmoil going on in our life right now to be caused by marriage as stupid as that sound. Kind of like if she gets away from me and on her own again all these problems will dissapear. So it is like my shortcomings are amplified by the fact that life isn't going the way we planned. I don't know if this makes any sense but it is the only rationalization I can come to terms with

 

 

You think you know? Did you ask her? And if you asked her do you really hear her?

 

Good chance that the first time she suggested a divorce that things were already near the peak of failure.

 

If she treats you that terrible then you are in a abusive marriage and you need to just divorce her. Sounds like you are a super nice guy that just tries and tries and it's never good enough for her. She must be completely "nuts" to treat you this way.

 

I hope you learn from this and do try to improve yourself for your next relationship.

[Og fool]

I did catch her emailing a boyfriend from 20 years ago about 5 months ago. She said do you ever think of us together still? What if I made a business trip to come see you? Luckily this guy was straight up and never responded back to the questions directly. Just said it was nice to talk to you again and so on. I confronted her and knew she still talked to him periodically. She turned the tables on me and said I was horrible for snooping. She admitted that she needed someone to talk to and would never do anything for real. I personally have confieded in an old girlfriend since we met but never asking to do anything much less meet. She never spends the night out, does have to go out of town for work. But is always to different cities and she stays with her whole work group who are women and she has a roomate. I had told her recently that if it is someone else it might make things easier for me to understand and also easier to let her go. She denied to the point she said at this point she never ever wants to get married again and can't imagine another man in her life for 20 years! Oh, and no she has no lesbian tendencies. Back on topic, last night was better I think. I went grocery shopping last night and made a nice dinner as usual. I spent a lot of time listening to her instead of talking about my work, car, guns, etc. all my usual stuff. We went to bed and I gave her a kiss on the shoulder. This morning after the gym we took the dog for a long walk and I really let her talk and we laughed. I am seeing a counselor tonight after work by myself to address MY issues before I talk about ours. I really have done a lot of thinking the past 24 hrs and came to some conclusions. I have turned my wife off to marriage because she has had to act as a Mother and a supervisor towards me. Where I am suppossed to be an asset and a companion I have been in a lot of ways a burden. I am suppossed to be her best friend and a husband. With best friends like me who needs enemies. All the times she wanted me to go somewhere I didn't (comdey club, plays, movies), all the times she went places with me that she didn't want to ( car shows, subgun competitions, horse/dog track, ect.). The times I didn't think to do something on my own and I had to be TOLD to do it. I think I got lazy and took her for granted over the last few years. Never coming up with things to do that she enjoyed. So I think in her eyes if this is what marriage is she wants no part of it. I kept telling her how great I was becasue I DIDN'T gamble, drink, hit her, etc. The whole time I should have been concentrating on what I should be doing for her, the little things that weren't important to me. Well I obviously can't go overboard and make 2 years worth of wrongs right, but hopefully I can start one at a time. I want to do so much for her at this point and tell her in so many ways how wrong I was. However these are only words and I know that. I can only hope she can see by my actions that I am a changed person or am at least working on improving myself. I can only hope I am not to late, and if so maybe this realizations will help me in the future?

[a4a]

OG you are my H.

 

I was waiting for this to come out.

 

You spoke exactly like my H does about or M - or how he used to until he went to therapy and the shrink even had enough of him.

 

Of course your wife is not perfect - but that is her responsibility to deal with.

 

You need to take action NOW! Not next week, not tonight - immediatley if not sooner.

 

Picture this scenario:

 

If your wife asked you to please clean up the house because it was so important to her - you ignore it. She ask's again - you still ignore it.

She gets angry and you decide to finally pick up your dirty socks off the floor and thats it. Then you spout off about how you picked up the socks while the rest of the house sits in a state of grime for months and months.....

 

She is tired of asking you to clean up the house and tired of trying to tell you how important it is to her.

 

Can you see how the anger builds.

 

It might be too late - but if you want it to work - get off your ass and take action. Communicate with her.

 

Words don't mean crap to her at this point, only action. You are in the hole in the Marital Bank Account - you need to keep making deposits even if you are not getting "interest" from her.

 

If you are lucky in time she will see a change in you and it will no longer be "not good enough".

 

Take it from me, she is sick of telling you to clean up that house..... you are a grown man and need to act like it.

 

Set her faults aside for the moment and work on yourself and the way you treat her.

 

You get the reaction you deserve in most cases.

 

And not being a drunk, whackin' your wife, or stickin' your pee pee in another woman are all given standards....... you are not golden for meeting the standard level of decent human in a marriage.

[jmargel]

I'm glad you see what you were not doing, however she needs to do the same sort of soul searching. Don't give her the impression that this is all your fault, otherwise you are allowing her to justify her behavior by contacting her ex like that. Her asking to meet is just as bad as if they did. That IMO is emotional cheating and is just as bad as physical cheating. What you two need to work on is communication. This is often the foundation for many of the problems between a couple. Often getting so comfortable with each other, that you take each other for granted without even realizing it.

 

Both of you have acted this way and like I said I hope she starts this journey of improving herself as well.

[Gunny376]

Nothing much more to add, just wanted to say to a4a and Jm good posts, and a nice morning cup of WTFU.

 

To OF ~ its nice to see that you're identifying your weaknesses and seeking self improvement, while understanding that its actions and not words that will turn it around. That of course is "if" its not too late. It may simply be a case of too much water over the damn and under the bridge?

 

And its important that you understand this isn't 100% you, nor about you. And I agree with JM she's probally at the least mildy depressed.

 

Depression comes about when one cannot reconcile one's reality with one's expectations (fantasies ~ dreams etc). The solution is to either change you expectations (raise or lower them) or change your reality ~ not always an easy thing to do.

 

To a4a:

 

Being single and living alone ~ its quite easy for me to slide into "bachelor mode" and some of the bad habits of being single. And, I'm posting the following not only for you, but also for other soon-to-be singles. One of the bad habits to fall into is "eating out" and so I actually sat down and worked out a menu, grocery list ~ actually I stole it from a local buffet that I like. I was going there everyday ~ and it was costing me ~ just because I had gotten too lazy to cook.

 

Ditto with housecleaning. I'm not a slobe, but I tend to let the things like window cleaning and cleaning around the baseboards ~ things that don't have to be done every day, week, nor even every month, but need to be done from time to time. There are some things that only need to be done once or twice a year. Its second nature to me now ~ but initally I followed a list of things to do daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, semi-annually, and annually that I got from a wife off another board. I've got it around here somewhere. But, that might be what you need to do if that's a bone of contention between you and the DH.

[Woggle]

Why are you blaming yourself? So what you are not perfect but neither is she. If you start bending over backwards and giving up your self respect for this woman she will still leave you. No matter what you do she has it stuck in her head that you are the source of her problems and nothing will change that. Just because you don't drop everything and clean the house when she asks like you are her personal servant does not mean you are a bad husband. Her isues are her own and not your doing.

 

Like I have said to other men why do you even want this woman in your life? Wouldn't you like to come home and not have to deal with this contant resentment and her constant anger towards you for not being superman? Wouldn't you like a chance at finding a woman who won't treat you this way? I would get the divorce and tell her if this is what she wants then lets go to court and get it over with. Oh yeah I would not be surprised if she was cheating with this ex.

[a4a]

Nothing much more to add, just wanted to say to a4a and Jm good posts, and a nice morning cup of WTFU.

 

To OF ~ its nice to see that you're identifying your weaknesses and seeking self improvement, while understanding that its actions and not words that will turn it around. That of course is "if" its not too late. It may simply be a case of too much water over the damn and under the bridge?

 

And its important that you understand this isn't 100% you, nor about you. And I agree with JM she's probally at the least mildy depressed.

 

Depression comes about when one cannot reconcile one's reality with one's expectations (fantasies ~ dreams etc). The solution is to either change you expectations (raise or lower them) or change your reality ~ not always an easy thing to do.

 

To a4a:

 

Being single and living alone ~ its quite easy for me to slide into "bachelor mode" and some of the bad habits of being single. And, I'm posting the following not only for you, but also for other soon-to-be singles. One of the bad habits to fall into is "eating out" and so I actually sat down and worked out a menu, grocery list ~ actually I stole it from a local buffet that I like. I was going there everyday ~ and it was costing me ~ just because I had gotten too lazy to cook.

 

Ditto with housecleaning. I'm not a slobe, but I tend to let the things like window cleaning and cleaning around the baseboards ~ things that don't have to be done every day, week, nor even every month, but need to be done from time to time. There are some things that only need to be done once or twice a year. Its second nature to me now ~ but initally I followed a list of things to do daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, semi-annually, and annually that I got from a wife off another board. I've got it around here somewhere. But, that might be what you need to do if that's a bone of contention between you and the DH.

 

 

It was not to be taken in a literal sense Gunny..... just if you ask someone or tell someone you have a need and desire because it is important to you and they dismiss it......example: like cleaning a house/or I want a divorce ........ it will eventually build resentment.

 

I myself am now in constant "whip ass" mode. Picking up the socks is not good enough, it is known, stated, and clearly communicated in my own M that he/H is still deeply indebt in our Marital Bank Acct. NSF is pretty much the way it has been for over a year.

 

A trip to the symphony will not make up months of dismissing and ignoring requests.

 

If our marital account has a maximum deposit of 500 marital happiness credits......... he has drained our account previously to -350 credits. Right now there is probably 55 cents in the account on his behalf. To reach a safe limit he needs to get that account to at least 250 credits and then I will again contribute my half. ........ previously I was contributing 95% of the total sum. There is a good chance this is how OG's wife feels...... so until he contributes more and has reached a certain level of funds, no other amount will be satisfactory for her.

 

Fine example of a debit/withdrawl to the account was last night....... new client..... he did not bother to call until I made it a point to force him to get off the couch to do so. This is complete and utter BS.

 

This made a withdraw from the account....... I nicely mentioned it, "hey we got a new client, could you call him right away, it is a rush job"........ waited........ waited..... again mentioned the new client and why he should be called-indication of having work done by the weekend........ finally at 7:15 pm I took out the can of ass whip. (mommy mode, boss, nag, bitch) Was I joking with my request? Just blowing hot air up his skirt? wtf?

 

This is not the action of a person that is an asset to our M or our business..... my time and energy are wasted= logical step to dissolve the partnership..... what else is left? Thus the discussion of divorce which in my view is a logical alternative, not a threat, nor tool to attempt to force him to comply...... just at the end of my rope- probably similar to OG's wife.

 

BTW He is fully aware that he going to be treated like a 12 year old until he acts like a man that can take his responsibilities seriously. Divorce is also his option, the choice is his to grow up or leave. (again this has been clearly stated in my case, I communicate quite well)

 

Funny how something as simple as a delayed call can have such a great effect on a M. Of course our finances, my/his schedule, and our life are affected by this call. Thus important to me as I stated to him- he chose to ignore, dismiss it, and he is a giant ass in my eyes for that.

 

This client turned out to be a very lucrative prospect for our business.... timing is everything.

 

Even though there has been some improvement, I have learned as soon as I back down things slide right into the pit again with him.....he thinks: " all is well, I picked up the socks, mission complete". No!- there is constant effort needed to keep the house clean/have a happy M..... not just once a year you pick up the socks and think you are done until next year?

 

I am not depressed myself..... I am just pissed!

and divorce is a change of reality. His lack of action puts 100% more responsibility on me and that makes Marriage suck in my eyes too. If this is indeed what M is about?

 

Gunny: Baseboards should be cleaned at least once a week!!!..... and are you cleaning your air/heat vents? Bet the tops of your doors are dusty too! Whats behind your frig? You dirty man you!

 

OG I hope that maybe this might give you a hint as to maybe why your W is resentful and looking to bow out..... not that she is always right or perfect, but when the acct. is drained too often and has a minus balance... what other option is there for the husband or wife? You're sucked dry...... (not in a sexual way either)

 

Now how do you make deposits to that Acct of yours? You best start right now if you want to make it work.

[a4a]

Why are you blaming yourself? So what you are not perfect but neither is she. If you start bending over backwards and giving up your self respect for this woman she will still leave you. No matter what you do she has it stuck in her head that you are the source of her problems and nothing will change that. Just because you don't drop everything and clean the house when she asks like you are her personal servant does not mean you are a bad husband. Her isues are her own and not your doing.

 

Like I have said to other men why do you even want this woman in your life? Wouldn't you like to come home and not have to deal with this contant resentment and her constant anger towards you for not being superman? Wouldn't you like a chance at finding a woman who won't treat you this way? I would get the divorce and tell her if this is what she wants then lets go to court and get it over with. Oh yeah I would not be surprised if she was cheating with this ex.

 

Woggle is that really helpful at all to a person that does not want a divorce..... what does this have to do with cleaning a house and being a slave to her? ...where did you get this information? :lmao:...

 

Read his post ..... he admits that has been irresponsible, unfeeling, dismisses her feelings and desires........ HELLO! If he wants the M to continue he needs to step up to the plate.... it usually works that way. One partner usually has to make the first move to remedy things..... best way is to do your best to fix yourself and the other partner will usually follow.

 

Fear of being "left"..... ego blow...... who cares, if you want it crawl, scream, or whatever it takes to fix it. Worse case scenario he will fail.... oh but his ego will be hurt.... please. Well he can live with his unharmed ego for the rest of his life then.... pride and fear will not solve this or any marital problem.

 

We know all women are evil..... and you married one........ :lmao::lmao:

[Woggle]

Woggle is that really helpful at all to a person that does not want a divorce..... what does this have to do with cleaning a house and being a slave to her? ...where did you get this information? :lmao:...

 

Read his post ..... he admits that has been irresponsible, unfeeling, dismisses her feelings and desires........ HELLO! If he wants the M to continue he needs to step up to the plate.... it usually works that way. One partner usually has to make the first move to remedy things..... best way is to do your best to fix yourself and the other partner will usually follow.

 

Fear of being "left"..... ego blow...... who cares, if you want it crawl, scream, or whatever it takes to fix it. Worse case scenario he will fail.... oh but his ego will be hurt.... please. Well he can live with his unharmed ego for the rest of his life then.... pride and fear will not solve this or any marital problem.

 

We know all women are evil..... and you married one........ :lmao::lmao:

 

Him bending over backwards to please her will only make her lose respect for him. If he files for divorce right now she actiuallu might turn around because women respect a man who has a backbone.

 

Of course he is blaming himself because his wife just dropped a bomb on him and he doesn't know why but no matter how good he treated her she would have still done this. It is her issue not his. Not saying he is perfect but he sounds like a good guy and I bet she has a whole slew of issues that he doesn't hold resentment over.

 

He doesn't want a divorce because he bases his self esteem on being married and he feels like a failure becaus he couldn't make this marriage work. He needs to em otionally distance himself from this woman and learn to be happy on his own. There is more to life than having a wife and he needs to realize that.

[Og fool]

Well I am not going overboard but since tomorrow is date night I want to go to a nice dinner. She loves to dress up and I always wear jeans, shorts, maybe some khaki's. I told her to look nice tomorrow and I am going to pick up a new outfit tomorrow morning. She is going out with her girlfriend tonight whom I personally hate but I have am not saying a word about. I booked seat for Shawn Wayans the comedian before she had a chance to since it was her day off. Lastly I am making the 45 minute drive to our rental house to pick up our mail without being asked to. I think this should be a good start, I think. Only one thing that kind of irked me. The show she is going to with her friend is in a town about 30 mins away and starts at 10:00. She is bringing her bike and says they are going biking in the morning so she might spend the night. I know this whole cheating thing has been brought up, but everytime she goes out with the friend she always spends the night to avoid drinking and driving. She told me should would text me from her friends house when they got home.

[a4a]

Him bending over backwards to please her will only make her lose respect for him. If he files for divorce right now she actiuallu might turn around because women respect a man who has a backbone.

 

Of course he is blaming himself because his wife just dropped a bomb on him and he doesn't know why but no matter how good he treated her she would have still done this. It is her issue not his. Not saying he is perfect but he sounds like a good guy and I bet she has a whole slew of issues that he doesn't hold resentment over.

 

He doesn't want a divorce because he bases his self esteem on being married and he feels like a failure becaus he couldn't make this marriage work. He needs to em otionally distance himself from this woman and learn to be happy on his own. There is more to life than having a wife and he needs to realize that.

 

and you know how a womans mind works because you are one? Or you have dealt with two complete crazy ones? Oh thats right all women are nuts. sorry forgot.

 

His wife has apparently told him that she was considering divorce previous to this and he just likely continued "business as usual". Dimissed it.

 

Sounds like he entered this marriage and has maintained plenty of emotional distance (judging from his own posts and ability to easily dismiss her requests and needs)

 

I suppose if a man has an affair on his wife and she brings up divorce he should also call her bluff and take the "big man respect stance" too.

 

If you F up you admit it...... you do your best to remedy it and you put effort into it..... you don't need to pretend to have a backbone.... a person with a real backbone would admit his/her faults and put his/her cards on the table and put the effort in to make the M work. Not posturing and bluffing. -stupid games.

 

I suppose if you accidently punch someone in the mouth, they state it hurts and become angry, you should probably tell them it is their fault and punch them in the mouth again

 

Having a HE - MAN attitude at this time will make him single for sure.

[Woggle]

and you know how a womans mind works because you are one? Or you have dealt with two complete crazy ones? Oh thats right all women are nuts. sorry forgot.

 

His wife has apparently told him that she was considering divorce previous to this and he just likely continued "business as usual". Dimissed it.

 

Sounds like he entered this marriage and has maintained plenty of emotional distance (judging from his own posts and ability to easily dismiss her requests and needs)

 

I suppose if a man has an affair on his wife and she brings up divorce he should also call her bluff and take the "big man respect stance" too.

 

If you F up you admit it...... you do your best to remedy it and you put effort into it..... you don't need to pretend to have a backbone.... a person with a real backbone would admit his/her faults and put his/her cards on the table and put the effort in to make the M work. Not posturing and bluffing. -stupid games.

 

I suppose if you accidently punch someone in the mouth, they state it hurts and become angry, you should probably tell them it is their fault and punch them in the mouth again

 

Having a HE - MAN attitude at this time will make him single for sure.

 

I have no idea how women's minds work because they are like rubix cubes. Women are impossible to understand for the most part. There are some women that have their cubes under control and I have found a woman like that but they are very rare. I just go by what I witness and 9 times out of 10I am right.

 

This guy did not have an affair. He did not cheat, did not abuse her, did not mistreat her in anyway yet she still has all this resentment and I feel he would do better without her. He doesn't deserve this and does't need this in his life.

 

Men with a manly attitude tend to do better with women. My friend who I talk is a perfect example of how a man can turn the tables on a cheating woman that wants out. Oh yeah she is spending the night at her friends houses because it is a cover for something.

[a4a]

Well I am not going overboard but since tomorrow is date night I want to go to a nice dinner. She loves to dress up and I always wear jeans, shorts, maybe some khaki's. I told her to look nice tomorrow and I am going to pick up a new outfit tomorrow morning. She is going out with her girlfriend tonight whom I personally hate but I have am not saying a word about. I booked seat for Shawn Wayans the comedian before she had a chance to since it was her day off. Lastly I am making the 45 minute drive to our rental house to pick up our mail without being asked to. I think this should be a good start, I think. Only one thing that kind of irked me. The show she is going to with her friend is in a town about 30 mins away and starts at 10:00. She is bringing her bike and says they are going biking in the morning so she might spend the night. I know this whole cheating thing has been brought up, but everytime she goes out with the friend she always spends the night to avoid drinking and driving. She told me should would text me from her friends house when they got home.

 

 

Good first step......

 

As for the drinking and driving... she is being responsible about that. I do the same thing..... and I keep my pants on too.

 

Why not put one little bit more effort into things.

Have a note with a flower waiting for her at the restaurant... or something very unexpected similar to that showing effort.

 

Your resentment is also present in your posts.(friend mentioned).... you tend to have something negative to say/think?..... stop that for the weekend.

 

Remember why you married her, why you want her in your life and go with that only. Allow yourself to be happy and see her good qualities.

 

Boy sounds like you are indeed stepping up to the plate... just stay consistant..great feats are not always needed... something as simple as asking "what would you like to do today?" can mean the world to a spouse.

 

Now I will remove my foot from your butt.

 

Good luck and enjoy your show!

[a4a]

I have no idea how women's minds work because they are like rubix cubes. Women are impossible to understand for the most part. There are some women that have their cubes under control and I have found a woman like that but they are very rare. I just go by what I witness and 9 times out of 10I am right.

 

This guy did not have an affair. He did not cheat, did not abuse her, did not mistreat her in anyway yet she still has all this resentment and I feel he would do better without her. He doesn't deserve this and does't need this in his life.

 

Men with a manly attitude tend to do better with women. My friend who I talk is a perfect example of how a man can turn the tables on a cheating woman that wants out. Oh yeah she is spending the night at her friends houses because it is a cover for something.

 

Woggle again not cheating, not beating, and not pissing all over the floor are not feats of superman.

 

No- men with your sort of attitude will end up divorced and alone. Hell think if your wife knew about your secret issues...... wow I bet she would pack her bags. Don't you think? Seriously?

 

Don't project your paranoia onto this man. Please. I have never cheated on any person in my life and have been force to share sleeping arrangements with others. Even in the same damn bed. I know plenty of married people that do not cheat.

 

This is your issue. Seek help. You need to get your cube overhauled for sure.

 

Again not helpful to a person that is looking to remedy their situation.

[Woggle]

I am a big proponent of ripping off the bandaid quicky instead of slowly and painfully. When you rip it off quickly it hurts like hell at first but the pain only lasts a few seconds. This marriage needs to be destroyed right now so he can heal quickly and move on with his life. It is over and there is nothing he can do about it. I will bet money that a year from now they will either be divorced or he will still be living a state of limbo bending over backwards for a woman that no longer wants him. He is only prolonging his pain.

[Woggle]

Woggle again not cheating, not beating, and not pissing all over the floor are not feats of superman.

 

No- men with your sort of attitude will end up divorced and alone. Hell think if your wife knew about your secret issues...... wow I bet she would pack her bags. Don't you think? Seriously?

 

Don't project your paranoia onto this man. Please. I have never cheated on any person in my life and have been force to share sleeping arrangements with others. Even in the same damn bed. I know plenty of married people that do not cheat.

 

This is your issue. Seek help. You need to get your cube overhauled for sure.

 

Again not helpful to a person that is looking to remedy their situation.

 

 

He shouldn't have to superman in order for his wife not to hate him. Hew is a human being and so is she.

 

I might get edivorced but I will never be alone. I have friends throughout the entire country that are important to me than any wife. My wife is one of those friends as well so she is equal to my male friends so don't take this the wrong way.

 

I am helping him to remedy the situation but he can't do it with her. She has left the building and he needs to start creating a great building without her.

[a4a]

Yeah, but you don't really know what went wrong in the marriage. The man always loves to say "I treated her like gold, I was so good to her" when that usually NOT the case. He very well could have taken her for granted and been verbally abusive and emotionally distant. There's SOME reason there she wants out. I believe it takes two to end a marriage. He probably does have some ground to make up here. At least his eyes are open now. As far as women "tending to turn like that" that is complete and utter BS. I have friends whose husbands came home one day and dropped the bomb they wanted out, and they thought they had wonderful marriages, they didn't see it coming. It happens to one guy you know, and you think it's an epidemic or something. OH MY GOD, a WOMAN left a MAN, there is an EPIDEMIC of WOMEN leaving MEN NOW. BETTER NOT TRUST YOUR WOMAN, SHE WILL LEAVE!!! How do you explain that to a beautiful coworker of mine whose husband came home one day and said "I met someone else. OH by the way, she's 20 years younger than you and I'm moving in with her this weekend. I don't really give a crap that we have two boys." Ummm, yeah, tell her about the women leaving men trend. LOL

 

 

I tell you over and over again I have asked how I can improve and do better for my husband.. H says nothing really (until now since I had enough of his crap- thinks I yell at him too much-his only complaint) .... shrink asks my H "how do you see your M?"..... My husband actually thought our M was perfect. Regardless of my statements to him. For him it was great...... because I was the one putting all the effort in... and finally I did expect to get some of what I requested in return from him........ big shock for my H

 

But in his view he was treating me the way he thinks I wanted to be treated.................... like a piece of furniture and a slave in my view.

 

How noble of him not to beat me, or cheat on me.... that should be enough to keep me around like a piece of furniture and his personal servant.

 

Something in that damn cake changed him..... wedding cakes are filled with evil. I think he thought since we are married that all effort could just halt. ........ amazing.

 

Married now = Mission complete..... now I can act like an ass.

 

I hope this doesn't turn into a another "evil women thread"

[a4a]

He shouldn't have to superman in order for his wife not to hate him. Hew is a human being and so is she.

 

I might get edivorced but I will never be alone. I have friends throughout the entire country that are important to me than any wife. My wife is one of those friends as well so she is equal to my male friends so don't take this the wrong way.

 

I am helping him to remedy the situation but he can't do it with her. She has left the building and he needs to start creating a great building without her.

 

 

How is he superman?

 

read his posts where he states he has ignored her requests and needs...... states himself where she has done things for him. He states himself he has F-ed up...... so help him remedy that and repair that damage.

 

You cannot be helpful when projecting your own paranoia onto others and trying to validate your own desires to prove that all women are evil.

[Woggle]

How is he superman?

 

read his posts where he states he has ignored her requests and needs...... states himself where she has done things for him. He states himself he has F-ed up...... so help him remedy that and repair that damage.

 

You cannot be helpful when projecting your own paranoia onto others and trying to validate your own desires to prove that all women are evil.

 

he is blaming himself because he wants to save his marriage. He is trying to see where it all went wrong when in reality she just turned on him like many many women do to their men these days.

 

I don't think all women are evil but there is a trend of certain women though certainly not all that turn on their men and he married one of these women.

[a4a]

I am a big proponent of ripping off the bandaid quicky instead of slowly and painfully. When you rip it off quickly it hurts like hell at first but the pain only lasts a few seconds. This marriage needs to be destroyed right now so he can heal quickly and move on with his life. It is over and there is nothing he can do about it. I will bet money that a year from now they will either be divorced or he will still be living a state of limbo bending over backwards for a woman that no longer wants him. He is only prolonging his pain.

 

:lmao::lmao:

[PWSX3]

Something else, when things aren't really going smooth you can do a 100 good things, but you do one bad thing & that is the one they remember so you have to keep working on the positive & slowly it will turn around if it was meant to be.

 

That is great you have date nights, but like a4a said; do something a little more out of the ordinary, let her know you put some thought, effort into the date, not just take her to a movie or dinner & call it a date.

 

Here is something I did & I really thought it was a lot of fun. Take her to a restaurant that you haven't been to before. Take two pieces of paper with your name & her name on it (or his & hers written on it) Then give her the one that says his & tell her to order your meal & you order her meal & see what you get each other.......

When me & my W did it we ended up getting each other the same thing, the waitress really had fun doing it with us as well.

 

Still work on the little things, remember if you are separated, divorced you would be doing all that house work yourself so you might as well learn how to do it yourself.

 

You will be surprised how good you will feel when you take responsibility for yourself.

 

Good luck, when you look at yourself & figure out what "YOU" can do to better your marriage, good things will happen.....

[Gunny376]

Its late and its hard for me to post ~ I'm so broken up and worried about Paris going back to jail! But, I'll try and man up.

 

To Woggle and a4a ~ I've been crossed about the back and forth between the two of you ~ and when I went to work this afternoon I gave it a lot thought, and came to the conclusion that its because relatively speaking I've been "there" while still being "here" Your post brought a convulgence of my past, and present.

 

Its been seventeen years since my marriage ended ~ and even today I'm still coming to understand why it failed. Granted the better part of those seventeen years were without a fourmn like LS, and the internet.

 

And both of you are correct ~ and have contributed significantly to this thread. As has others, ~ Jmargel has some good advice, and I think he repsesents the middle ground between you two.

 

To the OP, (Orginal Poster of this thread), I've noticed that you've started another thread. Its not a LS rule ~ but it helps us keep track if you just stay on one thread.

 

Your case may be a case of "too much ~ too late!" Usually when a woman tells her man that she's wants out, she's left the relationship mentally and emotionally long ago. And, as a4a has pointed out, any attempts to repair the relationship at this point in the game will be re-buffed and only earn you more of her contempt.

 

But, yet is has and can be done. But, it going to take a brave soul to tread where Angels fear to tread. It won't be easy, and it won't be nice. It not the path for the weak, not the weak-minded, nor the weak-hearted.

 

And Woggle is right ~ "manning-up" and being a hard azz does work for some men with some women. I'm an advocate of that approach. But I'm a hard-azz that doesn't give a damn if the sun doesn't shine tomorrow morning. There's not a woman on the planet that I can't live without. A woman tells me she's leaving and out of my life? Sayornara! Have a nice rest of your life without me!

 

A woman leaves me ~ dumps me? All that means is that I've got to get off my dead azz and go find myself a new girlfriend(s)! Just that plain ~ just that damn simple!

 

And a4a is right ~ you've got some things to learn about being in a relationshp ~ and that's not my discing you! Hell, we all do! You, me, ~ all of us.

 

jMargel has balance! He's right on with his inital post! "Hey! You're free to go the moment you make the decision to do so! But when you do, I'm done! jMargel's a Vet and Vets know Vets!

 

LJ's gone fishing ~ she does this every year about this time ~ kids out of school, family reunions etc. But if she didn't have such a full plate she'd tell you ~ this isn't the end of your life ~ just the end of your marriage.

 

I've got some posts on here with a lengthy list of suggested readings, just search "Gunny376" and "LadyJane" for some really good advice. Others to read are "MizPixie" and "DropDeadLegs" along with reading ilmw's thread and Perry (PWSX3's thread) ~ anything by jMargel and RossterDAR is good! Woggle is good as is a4a (although they've got a "bi-polar" oppossites thing going on ~ that is to say they agrree to disagree ~ LOL ~ both of them have good things you need to hear and wake up to. All of them serve up a good cup of WTFU or "fork" in the head as a4a would put it!

[Og fool]

Whew, while I hate to admit it knowing there are people like you that have and are going through this really helps, even if it is on the internet:p. Last night was going really well as we both got ready to go out with our friends until... I give her a kiss goodbye, well barely a peck. She says have fun with your friends and be safe:D. Then she has to cut me back down to size with a big ass machete. "Oh, I decided to do the divorce paperwork myself instead of using an attorney". Like I really needed to hear that as I walked out the door. Does she know how bad that hurts me or does she care? Totally ruined my night as hard as I tried. The worst part was my friends knew something was wrong, especially the women. I don't want to say anything yet, since I am still in denial and have some hope. Not to mention I am ashamed and so embarresed.

[Woggle]

Women do this all the time so there are many many men going through the same thing. Don't blame yourself and don't feel ashamed. If I were you I would file first because that gives you more leverage as far as the division of property and stuff goes. You need to think about covering your ass in divoce because best believe she is gearing up to drag you through war. She blames you for her unhappiness which means she has a hell of a lot resentment against you. When women are in this mode they can turn vicious. Accept that it is over and start thinking about the best way to get out.

[Reckless]

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed - you did the best you could and when you know better, you'll do better...

 

You're getting some great advice from those that have been there and done that but as a woman I can only repeat what something gunny said, by the time a woman says "I want out" she's usually all done, all through and completely made up her mind. She has BEEN through all her stages, she has lived with the thought, like a housemate for years (most definetly talked it over with her girlfiends and probably her mum, her shrink and the tomatoes in the garden...) but most importantly, the bad feeling is backed up there; a woman is feeling very very bitter towards her husband by the time she speaks.

 

Woman bitter and man bitter aren't the same: woman bitter is lethal, can smile and go to dinner with you, it can cook for you, clean, go on fun weekends with you, even have sex with you but don't turn your back cos woman bitter is totally focused and demands a settling of accounts. Man bitter is pretty much out there, as profound but visible, man bitter is straight forward.

 

This is all to do with the different ways men and women "keep scores" (as has been mentioned) and since we are totally different on that matter its normal that under crisis you may misread/misinterpret what's going on and as a result take a left hook straight to the head as you last post illustrates. You asked does she know how hurtful her statement was, of course, that was the POINT, she was smiling chatting and probably thinking, I want to kick his head in.

 

 

On the positive side: woman bitter can be dissapated. With each kick in the head it gives, it feels better and more likely to eventually start feeling sorry for the head. However, the downside is that by the time all the bitterness is gone, you may well be dead.

 

Is it worth it? You are the only one to say. But don't be ashamed and embarrased that when someone cuts you, you bleed.