Wife just asked for a divorce, WTF!

[Woggle]

Men have been conditioned to always blame themselves so of course he thinks it is his fault. With all due respect you come across as a very difficult woman to live with who never thinks a man can do anything right.

 

Anyway getting back to the thread I think that this guy should accept that it is over and file himself. I don't know why men let women affect us this way. I love my wife but if wanted out I would go get the papers that day and I would move on with my life. I refuse to cry over a woman.

[a4a]

Men have been conditioned to always blame themselves so of course he thinks it is his fault. With all due respect you come across as a very difficult woman to live with who never thinks a man can do anything right.

 

Anyway getting back to the thread I think that this guy should accept that it is over and file himself. I don't know why men let women affect us this way. I love my wife but if wanted out I would go get the papers that day and I would move on with my life. I refuse to cry over a woman.

 

 

Now if you are done with personal attacks............ (with all due respect)

 

Your statement in bold is not how I feel or think... that is your need to project and validate your own thoughts of how you believe all women think.

 

 

I am far from difficult to live with.... if you lie I react to your lying. If you say you will do something and don't - I react. I actually vent here instead of losing my temper with him out of pure frustration..... worse than living with a difficult teen.

 

Funny Woggle but the H's shrink even had enough of him and threw his hands up. Passive Aggressive selfish people are hard to deal with even for the professionals. He has many many narsacistic tendencies as well.... many. Those are the type of people that blame everything and everyone but themselves.

 

 

 

 

How do you know my H is not a complete ass? How do you really know? I guess because he has a penis he is immune from being the main cause of unhappiness in his own life and causing problem in a marriage? Wonder why every single one of his X's dumped him? (shocking isn't it) Why doesn't he have one single friend that calls or invites him out? Why don't any of his relatives/siblings call him? Must be me. I must not let him call or go out of the house even. I have people now driving me up the wall with requests to spend time, travel, or just hang out with them.... him -nothing.

 

 

 

Fortunatley, since I finally stood my ground and will not enable him things have actually improved a bit. He now has to deal with consquences. Divorce could be one of those consquences. He is aware of all of my thoughts, feelings, resentment, and why I am at the end of my rope.

 

 

 

 

And it is good OG can see where he made mistakes. That is how you learn to not repeat them. He only has control over himself to not repeat them. It will only make him a better happier person in the long run.

 

Why would any person want another person out of their life if they were giving them what they wanted or needed? Seems to me that you would hold onto that R no matter what.

[michael's_pain]

Woggle and a4a, you two remind me of me and my ex, and that isn't a good thing. Both of you make very valid points, but where any and all arguments fall apart is the blame/fault/guilt focus on the OTHER person.

 

a4a, I never knew I was withdrawing from the relationship credit when I chose to keep the house, cook and do laundry when she was a slob. But that's the point -- the credit system all people/relationships have is HIGHLY personal. I might not have overdrawn my account if I lived with you, for example! But with the STBXW, a clean, warm comfortable home wasn't appreciated...but spontaneity, overextending ourselves financially and irresponsibility were. Those are judgemental terms, but my thread gives you the framework.

 

Woggle, I'm a man and can be just as frustrated by women and not knowing if they say what they mean or, in turn, mean what they say. But there are just as many dumb-azz men out there that flake out and do stupid stuff, and whose craniums are nothing more than broken Rubick Cubes.

 

We're all on these boards for a reason. We married someone and now, for reasons within and beyond our personal reach, these marriages are in trouble. For some of us, they've disintegrated. For others, hope remains.

 

OG, I'll say this -- listen and read what people on this board tell you. Your wife is playing emotional yoyo with you...you two have a little fun, and then she pulls the emergency brake and starts talking divorce. Without finding fault with any gender, YOU need to take control of the situation. If this were a boxing match, you would have your hands at your side and you're stunned you're getting hit. PROTECT yourself -- emotionally, financially, in all ways -- LOOK OUT FOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS. One of the hardest lessons for me was that once STBXW strayed, I was my only defense, and I have relied on her for WAAAAY too long.

 

OG -- be strong, brace yourself, and stop walking into roundhouse right hands! Figure out what YOU want and then devise a plan to GET IT!!

[sumdude]

Yeah, what Micheal said. every person and every relationship is it's own microcosm. Years of actions, words, emotions, outside pressures and unforseeable events all adding up to one original story between two unique people. To generalise too much about anything so complicated is foolish ... We look through the lenses of our own lives so when we give advice in these boards it's all too easy to make snap judgements based on our own experiences. Everyone does it .... human nature... There are usually trends and some commonalities but you can't ever assume anything about people you've never met or even seen. Plus we almost always get only one side of the story ... so that gets us less than half the facts and/or opinions.

 

Og all you can do is worry about yourtself. You cannot go inside her mind or heart and change anything she thinks or feels. All you have control over is your own actions and reactions. "The future is now!" to coin a tired but true phrase. Now, this moment is all you can do anything about. The past is gone and the future is out of your control.

[a4a]

a4a, I never knew I was withdrawing from the relationship credit when I chose to keep the house, cook and do laundry when she was a slob. But that's the point -- the credit system all people/relationships have is HIGHLY personal. I might not have overdrawn my account if I lived with you, for example! But with the STBXW, a clean, warm comfortable home wasn't appreciated...but spontaneity, overextending ourselves financially and irresponsibility were. Those are judgemental terms, but my thread gives you the framework.

!!

 

 

There is a huge difference of being left in the dark about the other persons wants and needs of an R and not fulfilling them and choosing not to fulfill them even though you are totally aware of them.

 

You should always look to yourself to try to see why you are not getting the reaction you desire... once you exhaust that you have to take into consideration that the other person simply does not wish to fulfill your clearly requested desires. The person with a need or desire it is their responsibility to make needs and desires clear.

 

"Honey a clean house is very important to me...... could you help out"

(spouse can choose to react by ignoring this, or take action because this is a desire of a spouse and help keep the house clean. If ignored you might as well say "I don't give a crap about what you want")

 

Not sure which path the OG took... he knew what she wanted or he chose not to fulfill known needs and desires? Or if he chose to ignore it, why?

 

Of course nobody is perfect -who is..... but you have to want to put the effort in to try to please your spouse..... or for that matter even a friend or family member. You certainly cannot keep taking without putting something back.

 

Perhaps OG will learn this now and go on to have a great R in the future. Even if he is not guilty of it, perhaps he will put more effort into his next R.

We all should.

 

 

 

* and I don't bitch about cleaning the house it is always clean because I do it. Which he did turn into a slob post the wedding..... always clean until we married......... amazing how marriage does change people... he left that to me as a responsibility as well. I truly believe some people just get flat out lazy post cake eating.

[Og fool]

Not meaning to cause fights between you guys but I think that people who have had a divorce slightly encourage others to be put in the same boat. While I am new to all this support and discussion I would wish anyone struggling to maintain or save a relationship the best of luck. I mean we work hard to keep our jobs, we make sure our houses don't fall down, why shouldn't a/the marriage take up just as much effort and time. If you had termites in your house you wouldn't tear it down would you? So my marriage has a lot of bugs, consider me the carpenter who is ready to rebuild and do my best. I could get down on myself for letting the bugs chew the house up so bad and attempt to destroy it. But that is the past and complaining or running isn't going to fix my problem. Additional hard work and lot's of time may though.

[a4a]

Not meaning to cause fights between you guys but I think that people who have had a divorce slightly encourage others to be put in the same boat. While I am new to all this support and discussion I would wish anyone struggling to maintain or save a relationship the best of luck. I mean we work hard to keep our jobs, we make sure our houses don't fall down, why shouldn't a/the marriage take up just as much effort and time. If you had termites in your house you wouldn't tear it down would you? So my marriage has a lot of bugs, consider me the carpenter who is ready to rebuild and do my best. I could get down on myself for letting the bugs chew the house up so bad and attempt to destroy it. But that is the past and complaining or running isn't going to fix my problem. Additional hard work and lot's of time may though.

 

That is so true.

[Topper]

you can't rebuild a house if the other half wants to burn it down. Thats the point. You can say I want to save this house in the mean time your wife is holding the blow tourch to burn it to the ground.

[ilmw]

Not meaning to cause fights between you guys but I think that people who have had a divorce slightly encourage others to be put in the same boat. While I am new to all this support and discussion I would wish anyone struggling to maintain or save a relationship the best of luck. I mean we work hard to keep our jobs, we make sure our houses don't fall down, why shouldn't a/the marriage take up just as much effort and time. If you had termites in your house you wouldn't tear it down would you? So my marriage has a lot of bugs, consider me the carpenter who is ready to rebuild and do my best. I could get down on myself for letting the bugs chew the house up so bad and attempt to destroy it. But that is the past and complaining or running isn't going to fix my problem. Additional hard work and lot's of time may though.

 

I am the last person to condone separation or divorce.. unless there is abuse going on.

 

I hear what you are saying.. and It is good to see you have hope. Without hope.. we just give up... as many people do with their relationships.

 

I maintained a Hoping for the best, expecting the worst mind set. I continued to work at my relationship... improve my personal knowledge.. (I worked on me) emotionally, physically.. and spiritually too.

 

In the end... I lost my marriage... and am legally separated.. and am getting divorced. But... the side effects of my efforts.. has made me rounded.. put together.. totally independent.. strong.. and free.

 

Would I take my W back... yes.. if she was willing to put the same effort I would be willing to put into it. The answer is Yes for now... as I am not really looking elsewhere.. right now... just looking at me... (I like what I sees...)

 

So.. if you have hope... keep it..use it.. but for your own sake... expect the worst, so you are somewhat prepared....k

 

ilmw

[michael's_pain]

...but it's not an elixir for what ails a relationship. For those of us who were confronted with a wayward spouse, we communicated until we were blue in the face and it did not help. For me, everything was going fine, or so I thought, and we were beginning the adoption process...then two days after signing papers, she was saying she didn't want to be a Mom, didn't want to be married, and didn't love me anymore. Up until that point, two ICs both said that we were a model marriage -- her IC and my IC -- and even when she flaked, her IC told my IC (same practice, allowed to share info if we OK it, for you rule nazis) "the marriage is not in trouble." Two weeks later, she cheats, and one additional week later, I find out. Marriage over.

 

We did communicate, but at the end, she just said, "I don't want to be married," and when I tried to give her space, she strayed. I'm at the stage of my life right now where I'm thrilled she did -- I'm in a better place -- but I said "Can you help around the house?" only 100,000 times during our decade together. The response I heard was, "what are you, my Dad? I'll clean up when I want to."

 

I communicate for a living (public speaker) and have two degrees in it..and I'm here to tell you when one person won't speak what (s)he feels/thinks, or the other person won't listen, communication is futile.

 

OG, I hope you work this out. I don't wish separation/divorce on anyone. And yes, some on these boards do push for that. But that's because many of us were once blind, but now we see. We see that, no, it wasn't simply her fault, and no, we're not simply lazy; we see that marriages are partnerships where both parties give everything they are to make it work. When that doesn't happen, things fall apart; when they fall apart, repairing is always possible -- but that again takes both parties give everything they are to make it work. Without that? It's a hollow imitation of an adult relationship, and it will disintegrate.