Till We ain't Strangers Anymore

[Adam]

Im gonna try to make this short, but i need some advice

 

I just got the call about a week ago from my ex that i dated for 4yrs. We have been split for almost 10 months. She finally texts me after months of me wanting and trying to get her back. I wait a week then we go hang out, go out to eat laugh and talk like old times, she said this was good and we can be friends until...and i said until what? She says we'll see.

 

Well the very next day we go and eat again and she tells me more like When we were apart no guys compared to me and all this stuff, well before i drop her off that night i ask her if we have a chance of going back out, she says its not out of the question but wants to be friends to build back up the trust cause she doesnt want to get hurt again, she loves me and all this stuff, She was also crying when she said all this and also she said maybe this friends thing isn't a good idea?

 

So should i keep seeing her, or is she just playing with me? I mean we go out have fun, i pay the dinners, im nice, she talks, i talk.

I mean i want her back, but maybe i rushed things? Or is she just thinking i can get him back no problem cause he's right there and right now im lonely and he's what i know until someone else comes along?

 

This is very confusing?!?!

[CaliGuy]

If I were you, I would let her initiate the calls and dates. Show interest when you are with her but don't be so overly apt to meet whenever she suggests it.

 

In other words: Go get a life

 

Don't let your world revolve around her. But have interest (hobbies, friends, etc).

 

Also, one thing that I believe helps me build confidence is to date (but not sleep with) other women. Always have several women you hang out with. That way you are not placing all your hopes on just one woman. And when you think about it, it makes sense. You'll relax and be more apt to being yourself and having fun instead of trying overly hard to impress her and say something stupid

 

There are many good women out there that would be a good fit for you. But if you have all your eggs in one basket you'll never meet them. Dating two or three women all the time (until you one that is a good match) is a good idea.

 

Again, I did not say sleep with them. That's a no no. But do go out and have fun and let the natural course of dating help you find the right one.

[NorCalDave]

Im gonna try to make this short, but i need some advice

 

I just got the call about a week ago from my ex that i dated for 4yrs. We have been split for almost 10 months. She finally texts me after months of me wanting and trying to get her back. I wait a week then we go hang out, go out to eat laugh and talk like old times, she said this was good and we can be friends until...and i said until what? She says we'll see.

 

Well the very next day we go and eat again and she tells me more like When we were apart no guys compared to me and all this stuff, well before i drop her off that night i ask her if we have a chance of going back out, she says its not out of the question but wants to be friends to build back up the trust cause she doesnt want to get hurt again, she loves me and all this stuff, She was also crying when she said all this and also she said maybe this friends thing isn't a good idea?

 

So should i keep seeing her, or is she just playing with me? I mean we go out have fun, i pay the dinners, im nice, she talks, i talk.

I mean i want her back, but maybe i rushed things? Or is she just thinking i can get him back no problem cause he's right there and right now im lonely and he's what i know until someone else comes along?

 

This is very confusing?!?!

 

 

I don't know. I need the same advice.

Did you dump her or she dump you?

My ex recently is showing interest again too, but I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if she is just needing attention, if she misses me and just wants friendship, or if she really wants to hook up again.

It's a tough thing because we don't want to seem too available and easy to reel back in again.

I think what I am going to do is play completely aloof and unavailable, even though that is the EXACT OPPOSITE of everything my heart wants to do...I want her more than anything, but if I appear to easy or available or desperate, then I stand no chance of getting her back again.

I don't know. We both need advice.

But I think in these delicate situations it's best not to rush things.

Like they say in Swingers, "You don't want to scare off a beautiful baby."

I think for myself, if I don't push things, they will unfold the way they are supposed to....but yeah, it's tough knowing she's out there, attracted to me and thinking about me (probably) and I am here, attracted to her and thinking about her...my instinct wants to ask her out again but in my experience women want what they can't have. So I am not going to be easy.

I guess I would advise the same thing, but I need more details on your situation.

[Adam]

I actually love that movie swingers and just found out about it after we broke up.

 

But anyways ... It sounds like we have the same situation and i think that since she has dated like 5 guys and none of them worked out, and i do have women intrested in me, she's feeling im slipping away. I want to keep contact with her, whatever little bit she gives me i want to take because im scared that if i dont remain friends with her or at least speak to her once in awhile then she'll go off and forget about the idea or meet someone else ( which im not saying can't happen anyway)

 

Its such a delicate line, its like you want to show them intrest but not too much, but in the back of your head, your just screaming "we are so good for each other why can't you see!!"

 

What do

[NorCalDave]

I actually love that movie swingers and just found out about it after we broke up.

 

But anyways ... It sounds like we have the same situation and i think that since she has dated like 5 guys and none of them worked out, and i do have women intrested in me, she's feeling im slipping away. I want to keep contact with her, whatever little bit she gives me i want to take because im scared that if i dont remain friends with her or at least speak to her once in awhile then she'll go off and forget about the idea or meet someone else ( which im not saying can't happen anyway)

 

Its such a delicate line, its like you want to show them intrest but not too much, but in the back of your head, your just screaming "we are so good for each other why can't you see!!"

 

What do

 

 

Holy cow brother we are in the same boat!!

It is SUCH a delicate line.

What you said about you wanting to remain in slight contact with her so she doesn't forget about you and go meet someone else....can you see that that is exactly how she probably feels about you?

Reverse the roles.

If they gravitate to us when they sense we are getting independent and moving on, shouldn't we keep acting this way?

If we just rush back in and are totally available, won't that let them know they can get us whenever they want?

Wouldn't it be better to make them work for us?

Don't we want them to work for us?

TRUST ME, I want her back more than anything, but I think in both our cases, the only way to get what we want is to make them work for us.

We have to -like CG said- get a life basically and date other girls- not sleeping with them though.

I agree wholeheartedly w/ what CG is saying.

 

NOW! Do we have the strength and the faith to focus on ourselves and not on them?

If we know deep down that the RIGHT thing to do -which is also the harder thing to do- is focusing on ourselves, can we actually do it?

Just picture a summer of driving our ex's nuts....making them want us back SOOOO bad, making them actually work for it....won't we feel alot better about ourselves? We probably won't have any regrets either.

Let's keep in touch.

[Adam]

I havent spoken to her in 3 days and she just texted me today and she needed help moving a tv so i went over there for about 20 mins. It was laided back again, i moved the tv and she had to go to work so i had made it short, she walked me to the door, hugged me, then stood at the door the whole time til i left then about 1/2 hour went by and she texted me "thanks" ....

 

Should i ask her to e-mail me her work schedule so i know what days she has off? Or is that too much? Is she being forward...i mean she knows other people that can probably help her move the t.v. but she wanted me to. Was that just a way to keep the ball rolling since i havent talked to her in 3 days?

 

Im soo confused!

[Adam]

That is perfect! I think we got a solid plan going...Lets keep in touch for sure! I really think this will work and this way we can see what each other is doing right and wrong and we should probably talk before we do something dumb! lol

 

Just sit back and let them come to us...

Lets be needed instead of needing!

 

They miss something we can only give them or they never would have came back on their own terms.

[NorCalDave]

I havent spoken to her in 3 days and she just texted me today and she needed help moving a tv so i went over there for about 20 mins. It was laided back again, i moved the tv and she had to go to work so i had made it short, she walked me to the door, hugged me, then stood at the door the whole time til i left then about 1/2 hour went by and she texted me "thanks" ....

 

Should i ask her to e-mail me her work schedule so i know what days she has off? Or is that too much? Is she being forward...i mean she knows other people that can probably help her move the t.v. but she wanted me to. Was that just a way to keep the ball rolling since i havent talked to her in 3 days?

 

Im soo confused!

 

Adam my ex does the same thing. She asks for help because she knows I will help her.

You fell into her trap. Now she knows you will up and help her whenever she wants.

I would back off from here on out.

[Adam]

Ok so the best thing to do is NC with her until she makes the next move pretty much then right? It's just difficult because for like 10 months she been NO NO NO and now that shes giving me open invites to do anything and i take it, but im trying not to seem needy, but i probably am by being so available to her every want. I want to get her back 100% no denying, and i want it back the fastest way possible, but its such a very fine line, dont seem needy, dont pressure, dont jump everytime she says too. I understand all that, so now the hard part, trying to follow that.

 

I know you understand NCD..

[NorCalDave]

Ok so the best thing to do is NC with her until she makes the next move pretty much then right? It's just difficult because for like 10 months she been NO NO NO and now that shes giving me open invites to do anything and i take it, but im trying not to seem needy, but i probably am by being so available to her every want. I want to get her back 100% no denying, and i want it back the fastest way possible, but its such a very fine line, dont seem needy, dont pressure, dont jump everytime she says too. I understand all that, so now the hard part, trying to follow that.

 

I know you understand NCD..

 

 

It will be tough but let's lean on each other for support.

Trust me I want her as bad as you do, but we have to respect ourselves and do what is right.

[NorCalDave]

Hey Adam how is your situation going?