In need of "out of the box" suggestions

[shadowofman]

I want to preface by saying that, while I do not lack morals, the typical Judeo-Christian ideas of sexual morality, are in my mind, rubbish! As a man, it is easy for me to seperate sex and love completely, and since I was about 10, my idea of the ideal marrage is an open, swinging relationship. My problem is that my wife is, as much as she would hate for me to say it, a typical American woman when it comes to sex and jealousy. More possessive than jealous really. We are almost exactly the same in every way except our sexual wants. I'd like to give a nutshell history of our sexlife, and hopefully someone can shed some light on possible fixes.

We had sex on our first date and it was great. She completely put herself out there expecting me to never call her again, but we've been like peas in a pod ever since. I WANT to spend the rest of my life with this woman and I think about that everyday. Anyway, she was fairly inexperienced with sex, in my opinion, when we first got together. I took me some proding to get her to try new things. First, doggie style. She wouldn't let me go down on her at first. These all seemed easy to get out of her in retrospect. She thought she would never try anal. Even now, thats just a treat. Bondage, outdoor sex, she has even use strap-ons on me (I am bi) All this in the first couple years. Throught this time, she has proded me too. Trying to get me to open up about my sexual wants. I was constantly hearing, "You know I'll do anything you want. Just let me know and I'll give it to you." I was always very reluctant to ask, as most people probably are. So I decided to talk, in what I concidered to be less destructive babysteps. (Keep in mind that she is very jealous of women)

Honey, we should try anal.

Honey, you know I like to recieve anal too.

Honey, tell me all about your previous sexual encounters. Be very detailed.

Honey, you know YOU can have sex with anyone that you want and not only wouldn't I mind, I want to hear all about it.

That's the point that our progressive sex-life hit the wall. She has absolutely no interest in sex with anyone but me.

She stopped asking if there was anything that I wanted sexually, she didn't want to hear anymore. I continued though. Eventually I got her to (very reluctantly) accept the idea of me having sex with a man. But as soon as I found a man, she got very possessive. It seems as if the knowledge of my sexual wants has caused her to take many steps back. She is only interested in very male aggressive sex (only me). I used to be inclined to just **** her and she would have to ask me to "love her" for a slower session. I don't know what happen to that. Now she just wants, unprompted, almost forced penetration, from behind, with all of my weight holding her down. My hypothesis is that she is very insecure for some reason, and that her sexual behavior reflects more insecurity with a more complete knowledge of my sexual wants. I understand that I should have been very upfront with my needs from the start, but where do I go now. I'm at the point now where, while I LOVE sex with my wife, I'm chomping at the bit for some sex with someone else. ANYONE ELSE. Let me also say that, I probably wouldn't get any satisfation from sex with someone else if my wife wasn't there. I want us to do everything together.

Basically, because my wife is unwilling to include others in our sex life, I'm entertaining cheating on her. Even though I have a burning NEED for new sexual partners, I really don't think I would be able to perform without my wife present. I want to blow my brains out it's driving me crazy.

Sorry for the length.

[sb129]

Umm.. does the phrase "have your cake and eat it too?" mean anything to you?

 

When you got married did you not think about the fact part of the deal with marriage is that people expect you to have sex with them and only them?

 

Obviously this gets broken alot, but if you read some of the OW/OM forums, it brings a whole lot of heartache to many of the people involved.

 

If your W is not willing to entertain your fantasies (which, given the fantasies, I think is 100% reasonable, and I would be the same) then you will cheat on her.

 

Nice.

 

If this is how you feel you should get out of the marriage and give your W a chance to find someone who does only want her.

 

Either that or consider having Marriage Counselling, or you seeing a sex therapist for your problems.

 

Talking to your wife would be a start, but I highly doubt she will be overjoyed at the idea.

 

Sorry I can't be more out of the box, but I can't see how this can be resolved without someone (your W) getting hurt. And she doesn't deserve that.

[dbtmarley]

Dude,your sexual needs are your sexual wants and fantasies. She is a woman who does not have the same sexual needs and wants as you.

Because you are married does she have a duty to automatically accept your wants and desires and may I add, you must know that some of your sexual wants are told to be deviant to a lot of people growing up.

 

Now I am not being judgemental here...

 

I am quite sure all this has been unsettling to her to say the least and it seems that it is leaving you wanting more.

 

Dude there are women out there that are into those kinds of things, but guess what? Your wife is not one of them.

 

 

This reminds me of my ex wife. She wanted to be with a woman... have another man along for the ride. I did not want any of it and it became an issue for us. Then one day I came home from work and found a piece of paper with a # and some pin numbers... mailbox numbers and such. I called the number and it was a dating line service. When I pullled up my ex wife's add and heard her say she was bi sexual and wanting to meet men and women who were the same... It sucked.. What's worse is I stayed with her an additional 7 years. Yep...

 

Sorry got a little side tracked there... Anyways...

 

I think she should dump you and find someone who has the same frigged up Judeo-Christian type values you described... The ones she obviously has... How on earth did you manage did get the prude to try anal anyways!

 

I can't believe you would cheat on her for not being able to accept your... to put it nicely, sexual desires.

[norajane]

it is easy for me to seperate sex and love completely, and since I was about 10, my idea of the ideal marrage is an open, swinging relationship.

 

THIS is something you should have discussed in depth with your wife BEFORE you married.

 

Honey, you know YOU can have sex with anyone that you want and not only wouldn't I mind, I want to hear all about it.

That's the point that our progressive sex-life hit the wall. She has absolutely no interest in sex with anyone but me.

She stopped asking if there was anything that I wanted sexually, she didn't want to hear anymore. I continued though.

 

Well, that would have stopped me in my tracks if my husband told me he thought it would be great for me to have sex with someone else! That must have been so shocking to her, like having the rug completely pulled out from under her. She was under the impression that she was in one kind of marriage, and suddenly finds out her H has a completely different concept of what is appropriate and desirable in a marriage.

 

Eventually I got her to (very reluctantly) accept the idea of me having sex with a man. But as soon as I found a man, she got very possessive. It seems as if the knowledge of my sexual wants has caused her to take many steps back.

 

You pushed her...she never truly accepted the idea, she acquiesced because she loves you, but could not bring herself to go through with it. It's not like she WANTED to have sex with this man YOU FOUND, or any other man. So, I'm not surprised she couldn't actually go through with it, and I'm not surprised this has damaged her sense of comfort and well-being in the relationship to the extent that ALL sex with you is a now a source of anxiety for her.

 

She is only interested in very male aggressive sex (only me). I used to be inclined to just **** her and she would have to ask me to "love her" for a slower session. I don't know what happen to that. Now she just wants, unprompted, almost forced penetration, from behind, with all of my weight holding her down. My hypothesis is that she is very insecure for some reason, and that her sexual behavior reflects more insecurity with a more complete knowledge of my sexual wants.

 

For some reason? Dude, she just found out that what you want out of your sex life is nothing like what she wants out of your sex life.

 

If, in the past, she has had to ask you to add love to the f*cking, then my guess is she has now given up because she now believes that sex for you is just physical - it's not about how much you love her, nor is it an expression of your love and lust for her...it is merely a physical act to get your rocks off. May or may not be entirely true, but when a woman hears a man say he NEEDS to have sex with other people involved, she hears that he doesn't NEED HER, just someone.

 

My guess is, in her head, when you have sex, she has completely withdrawn and is not there with you anymore. This is the only way she can give you sex - she doesn't want to face you, so that's why it's from behind. And the forced penetration is just that, forced. She's into it anymore because you have turned out to be a stranger, not the man she fell in love with.

 

I understand that I should have been very upfront with my needs from the start, but where do I go now. I'm at the point now where, while I LOVE sex with my wife, I'm chomping at the bit for some sex with someone else. ANYONE ELSE.

 

Well, there you go. She wouldn't be wrong if she believed ANYONE ELSE would do, and sex for you is not about her.

 

I'm sorry, but this is a deal-breaker for people. Don't brush this off as: I understand I should have been upfront from the start, BUT.

 

The fact is, she would probably never have made a lifetime commitment to a marriage with you if she had known of your needs. You have completely changed the rules on her, and now you want to find out how to make her accept the new rules she had never heard of or imagined prior.

 

IT IS NOT LIKELY TO HAPPEN. It really, really is a deal-breaker.

 

Let me also say that, I probably wouldn't get any satisfation from sex with someone else if my wife wasn't there. I want us to do everything together. Even though I have a burning NEED for new sexual partners, I really don't think I would be able to perform without my wife present.

 

You need to use your wife so you can get it up for someone else? Sorry, but that's how she's going view it in her mind, as you using her. Or disrespecting her feelings about this.

 

Keep in mind her feelings of revulsion are as strong as your NEED for new sexual partners, if not more so. She has just as much right to say no, as you do to ask...especially since you were not honest with her from the beginning and gave her no opportunity to make an informed choice about the man she agreed to marry or his expectations for the marriage.

 

Basically, because my wife is unwilling to include others in our sex life, I'm entertaining cheating on her.

 

This is so lame. You now want to compound your problems by adding infidelity and the PAIN that your wife will feel when she finds out - and she will, eventually, find out if you cheat. She will know.

 

I don't have any out of the box suggestions for you. Your wife has made it very clear through word and her now dead sexual interest in you that she is opposed to this. If you keep pushing, you are an ass and will only push her further away.

 

Like I said, this is a deal-breaker for many people. It's time for the two of you to re-evaluate your true compatibility. If you can't live without sex with other people, and she can't live with it, you are not compatible. Divorce is a better option than cheating.

[Aloros]

What do you hope to gain by cheating? You're just temporarily assuaging a need that will come back to haunt you again and again. Are you prepared to lead a double life? Are you prepared to look your wife in the eye and lie to her every single day?

 

This is a basic compatibility issue, and one that shouldn't be shunted to the side. If you have a decent amount of integrity, you really should deal with this main issue at hand. It would be horribly unfair of you to cheat behind your wife's back and let her think that nothing has changed. She's not married to the man she thinks she is. If you have to have sex with someone else, do the right thing and let her go. Communicate with her. Let her make her own decisions with ALL the information instead of making them for her.

 

This is your mess, so clean it up. Don't make her pick up the broken pieces days, weeks, years down the line when she finds out you haven't been faithful. This desire, this need, is something you should have expressed to her before you got down on one knee and asked her to be your wife. It's fine if you want a swingers lifestyle; I'm not judging you for that. But you failed to impart this very important information to your wife before she decided to dedicate her life to your relationship. She went into this missing a big chunk of the puzzle.

 

You've already been unfair to her. It seems obvious to me that she loves you, and that she wishes to please you. Please have at least a fraction of this concern for her.

[Star Gazer]

That's the point that our progressive sex-life hit the wall. She has absolutely no interest in sex with anyone but me.

 

And this is a problem becaaaauuuussseeee why??? You WANT your wife to WANT to have sex with other people??

 

My hypothesis is that she is very insecure for some reason, and that her sexual behavior reflects more insecurity with a more complete knowledge of my sexual wants.

 

Call me crazy, but I don't see anything "insecure" about wanting a monogamous relationship to remain...well...monogamous. I don't consider myself insecure, and I don't want my man's cock in anyone else either.

 

Basically, because my wife is unwilling to include others in our sex life, I'm entertaining cheating on her. Even though I have a burning NEED for new sexual partners, I really don't think I would be able to perform without my wife present. I want to blow my brains out it's driving me crazy.

Sorry for the length.

 

I really think you two should split up so she can find someone who, like her, wants a committed monogamous relationship.

[LakesideDream]

Wow! I've been through an "adventure" (hetrosexual, married experimental sex) stage. And while it still works as a fantasy...

 

What's really important to me is being with someone I'm in love with, making love, having a home to cherish. Realistically, I understand that it's a dream whose time may have passed.

 

I pity you for your need to coerce, and dominate. I hope you pass through the current phase you are stuck in and realize that sharing your life with a loving partner is the ultimate fantasy.

[Walk]

The fantasy is better than reality. That's all I'm saying.

 

Isn't there a way to incorporate the "idea" of sex with other people into the physical act of sex with your wife? Like role playing? Or acting? Why couldn't your wife be the sole provider while fulfilling your desire for the second person?

 

So pretend for a second that your wife really does want to meet even your deviant needs.... What's to prevent her from wearing a wig, getting a water bra so she looks more endowed, dresses differently, and you two meet up at an out of town hotel room for a night of debauchery. Have your wife pick a character she would like to portray and have her act the part. I bet the more you two practiced, the better you'd both get at playing the part. You would get the fantasy of having sex with different people with your wifes full blessing, and your wife would get the feeling of being wanted by you, and feel she is capable of providing for your needs.

 

 

 

Or.... go cheat.. get an std, hiv, whatever, go home and share with your wife.. STDs are the gifts that keep on giving!

[LucreziaBorgia]

After the divorce, this woman is going to need a boatload of therapy to undo the damage, and be able to function in an emotionally healthy relationship. I feel really bad for her.

[sb129]

Me too. The poor woman falls in love with a guy and look how he repays her. Every reply to the OP has been bang on the money.

 

This guy is a selfish manipulative man- the W will be better off without him in the long term.

[Topper]

The reality of this situation is you were not honest with her from the beginning. You should have told her before you were married that you wanted an open marriage or a "swingers" life style.

Did she know that you were Bi-sexual before you were married? If not why not?

If your sexual desires are so strong you can't live without them ,you need to let your wife know right now.

There are a women out there that share your sexual fantasies. Let your wife go before things get ugly.

[shadowofman]

Damn, I posted more but I forgot to sign in. It'll show in a while. Sorry.