Men blowing really hot then going completely cold - is this common?

[ladybird]

I have posted on here before about a guy I started seeing last year who was very, very keen from the off (we have known each other for a few years before this though)

 

Granted, we only saw each for two weeks before he went away abroad and then a weekend visit to him earlier this year, so it was only a fledgling 'romance'

 

He was very full on at the start and gave me the impression that things could possibly progress as we got on so well but things tailed off after I flew home after the weekend visit and then ended completely.

 

Basically, my question is:

 

If a guy comes on strong from the start, seems overwhelming keen and really happy to be with you and making comments in regards to the future, is this doomed to failure?

 

Is this guy always going to be someone who blows really hot to begin with (giving the impression that the relationship could go further) and then go completely cold and call things off?

 

Is this kind of full-on behaviour always a warning sign that us girls should be aware of, telling us to not get too attached because he will probably go cold at some point?

 

I have never really experienced this before with a guy so would like to know if anyone else has had this type of guy and whether they suddenly went cold on you or whether things worked out ok.

 

Any advice/experiences please as I'd like to know how to handle things should this happen again?

 

Thanks everyone.

[AngieQueb]

This recently happened to me...I met a guy online and we immediately hit it off. He was doing ALL of the pursuing...even breaking the "3-day contact" rule that most guys adhere to and calling me every single day. We went on several dates and had a great time. I was offered a temporary job transfer for the next 3 months. I told him about it and told him that I hoped we'd continue to hang out and get to know each other even though I was going to be gone...and then "poof" he was gone. We did not have sex...but did mess around some...but I'm just totally shocked at his behavior. I didn't profess my love to him, I wasn't clingy...I was just like...hey...I think you're a great guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with you and hope we can continue even though I'm going away for the next few months.

 

After he poofed...I tried to remain calm and not react. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and then finally sent him a brief email just asking what was up. He responded that he felt like "we" moved too fast. He wished me good luck and basically wiped his hands clean of me. I responded back in a VERY cordial manner and agreed with him that things were moving too fast and told him that I wished him the best as well. I didn't beg, cry, plead...nothing. I had not shared with him previously...but explained to him at this point...that about 2 years ago, the guy I was dating seriously was killed in an automobile accident and there are so many things I didn't tell him that I wished I would've. Because of that situation...I try to let the people in my life know how much I appreciate their friendship, etc. and that is why I communicate so openly...because I don't want to ever have to live with the regret that I live with now because of his death.

 

Would you believe...NOTHING!! I didn't share that with him in an attempt to get a response or in an attempt for us to get back together. The only reason I shared it with him was so that he would understand that I wasn't trying to pressure him into anything this early in the game. Take me out of it...take him out of it...regardless of whether he is interested in me or not...it is just common courtesy when someone shares something very difficult with you that happened to them...that you at least acknowlege it. He could've even responded via email and said, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I still think we moved to fast....best of luck to you."

 

Anyway...this whole experience has shown me that he has NO CHARACTER AND NO CLASS!! Thank God I saw this now...versus months from now!!

[AngieQueb]

This recently happened to me...I met a guy online and we immediately hit it off. He was doing ALL of the pursuing...even breaking the "3-day contact" rule that most guys adhere to and calling me every single day. We went on several dates and had a great time. I was offered a temporary job transfer for the next 3 months. I told him about it and told him that I hoped we'd continue to hang out and get to know each other even though I was going to be gone...and then "poof" he was gone. We did not have sex...but did mess around some...but I'm just totally shocked at his behavior. I didn't profess my love to him, I wasn't clingy...I was just like...hey...I think you're a great guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with you and hope we can continue even though I'm going away for the next few months.

 

After he poofed...I tried to remain calm and not react. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and then finally sent him a brief email just asking what was up. He responded that he felt like "we" moved too fast. He wished me good luck and basically wiped his hands clean of me. I responded back in a VERY cordial manner and agreed with him that things were moving too fast and told him that I wished him the best as well. I didn't beg, cry, plead...nothing. I had not shared with him previously...but explained to him at this point...that about 2 years ago, the guy I was dating seriously was killed in an automobile accident and there are so many things I didn't tell him that I wished I would've. Because of that situation...I try to let the people in my life know how much I appreciate their friendship, etc. and that is why I communicate so openly...because I don't want to ever have to live with the regret that I live with now because of his death.

 

Would you believe...NOTHING!! I didn't share that with him in an attempt to get a response or in an attempt for us to get back together. The only reason I shared it with him was so that he would understand that I wasn't trying to pressure him into anything this early in the game. Take me out of it...take him out of it...regardless of whether he is interested in me or not...it is just common courtesy when someone shares something very difficult with you that happened to them...that you at least acknowlege it. He could've even responded via email and said, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I still think we moved to fast....best of luck to you."

 

Anyway...this whole experience has shown me that he has NO CHARACTER AND NO CLASS!! Thank God I saw this now...versus months from now!!

[Star Gazer]

Honestly, I do think it's common. But not all men are blowtorches, blowing hot and leaving you burned. There ARE some slow-burning fires out there that will keep you nice and warm, sometimes hot, for a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng time.

[Tormented]

Basically, my question is:

 

If a guy comes on strong from the start, seems overwhelming keen and really happy to be with you and making comments in regards to the future, is this doomed to failure?

 

Hi Lady...

 

My experience with this type of man has usually resulted in what I call a "burn-out." They come on strong, guns-a-blazn', per se, and just as fast as their "love and passion" for you ignites, so will it burn out. It's easy to get sucked up into it...exciting, new, promising, the stuff that makes for a juicy, hot romance novel. The problem? It ain't real.

 

Some of the reasons, although not all, for men to come on like this is as follows:

 

1. They just broke up with an ex and are looking to rebound to ease their pain, and when the pain begins to lift, you're quickly disposed of because you are no longer needed.

 

2. They are addicted to "love," which in reality, is only a brief infatuation and nothing more. And as we all know, infatuation is short-lived and not the stuff that makes for a good, solid relationship.

 

3. They are egotistical jerks looking for another "score" to boost their Texa-sized egos. These types know going in they have no intention of starting a meaningful relationship with you, but rather, to feed their ego and then ditch.

 

Regardless of which above category this guy falls into, he's NOT a man you want in your life. Move on and forget his name!

 

Because, as harsh as this may be, guys like him have absolutely NO problem forgetting yours.

 

Hang in there, Lady. A "good" man WILL come your way.

 

~T~

[Tony T]

Basically, my question is:

 

You mean...your questionS are:

 

1. If a guy comes on strong from the start, seems overwhelming keen and really happy to be with you and making comments in regards to the future, is this doomed to failure?

 

No, but it's not too cool on the guy's part. If men would just start slowly and gradually move to a more intense relationship once both parties are convinced that it's the right thing to do there would be a lot more success in relationships.

 

Starting off with intensity doesn't doom a relationship to failure but it's not productive either.

 

2. Is this guy always going to be someone who blows really hot to begin with (giving the impression that the relationship could go further) and then go completely cold and call things off?

If he has issues with commitment and intimacy, yes. Until he gets some help to get his problems resolved, he will struggle with relationships, find great ladies, get excited about them and bolt whenever the female responds too favorably to him. Then again, there's the time factor. Until a man is mature enough to want a long term relationship, he's likely to move on when things get too hot. He may very well be...how they call it...sewing his wild oats. Google: "Collidge Effect" You might get some hints from that on the science of male mating behavior.

 

3. Is this kind of full-on behaviour always a warning sign that us girls should be aware of, telling us to not get too attached because he will probably go cold at some point?

 

If you could predict this with certainty, you could make hundreds of millions of dollars (pounds). Relationships are a gamble, EVERY TIME! There is simply no way you can ever know what direction they will go. I can say, though, it is critically important to listen to yourself very carefully. You always get hints. Unfortunately, when things are bad we don't want to listen to ourselves because we want them to be good. There's another psychological principle called entrapment, where we simply don't ever want to end something that isn't going anywhere for the possibility that "tomorrow" would be the day it would get much better. That never happens but people get sucked into the possibility ever second of every minute of every day!

 

4. Any advice/experiences please as I'd like to know how to handle things should this happen again?

PAY ATTENTION! Don't let your heart go until you're very sure the guy is going to be around for a while...and even then there are no guarantees. If you're looking for a sure thing, get a dog...and even they only last about 15 years on average.

[Trialbyfire]

If you can clear your mind of the physical chemistry, if a guy comes on strong promising the world to you and his undying love, what is he basing his decision on? Most often (not always) it's the physical and the excitement of a new relationship because he hardly knows you through the honeymoon period, since most people are on their best behaviour during this time.

[Quest]

Hi. Interesting thread. I would say hot-cold behaviour is pretty common but it wouldn't matter if we women weren't so hung up on the 'fairy tale'.

Women want to hear that they are 'the one' and there is a romantic future with whoever they are dating.

On the whole, men are a bit less bothered about all that unless their 'green light' has gone on. (For an explanation of this watch 'Sex in the City'. In short, women always have a green light on, whereas men usually have a red light on. When a man's green light goes on it is usually very briefly - they decide they want to settle down, find someone and do it. They could have met the love of their life five years earlier but if it wasn't when their green light was on, it doesn't matter.)

As others have said, be cautious and watch closely. Don't jump in there until you're sure his hot behaviour is more than a sign of red light fun!

This means do as I say and not as I do - having ended up the serial dumpee of a string of red light, hot-cold men. (But I'm learning, slowly.)

[Italia]

This recently happened to me...I met a guy online and we immediately hit it off. He was doing ALL of the pursuing...even breaking the "3-day contact" rule that most guys adhere to and calling me every single day. We went on several dates and had a great time. I was offered a temporary job transfer for the next 3 months. I told him about it and told him that I hoped we'd continue to hang out and get to know each other even though I was going to be gone...and then "poof" he was gone. We did not have sex...but did mess around some...but I'm just totally shocked at his behavior. I didn't profess my love to him, I wasn't clingy...I was just like...hey...I think you're a great guy and I've enjoyed hanging out with you and hope we can continue even though I'm going away for the next few months.

 

After he poofed...I tried to remain calm and not react. I waited 2 1/2 weeks and then finally sent him a brief email just asking what was up. He responded that he felt like "we" moved too fast. He wished me good luck and basically wiped his hands clean of me. I responded back in a VERY cordial manner and agreed with him that things were moving too fast and told him that I wished him the best as well. I didn't beg, cry, plead...nothing. I had not shared with him previously...but explained to him at this point...that about 2 years ago, the guy I was dating seriously was killed in an automobile accident and there are so many things I didn't tell him that I wished I would've. Because of that situation...I try to let the people in my life know how much I appreciate their friendship, etc. and that is why I communicate so openly...because I don't want to ever have to live with the regret that I live with now because of his death.

 

Would you believe...NOTHING!! I didn't share that with him in an attempt to get a response or in an attempt for us to get back together. The only reason I shared it with him was so that he would understand that I wasn't trying to pressure him into anything this early in the game. Take me out of it...take him out of it...regardless of whether he is interested in me or not...it is just common courtesy when someone shares something very difficult with you that happened to them...that you at least acknowlege it. He could've even responded via email and said, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I still think we moved to fast....best of luck to you."

 

Anyway...this whole experience has shown me that he has NO CHARACTER AND NO CLASS!! Thank God I saw this now...versus months from now!!

 

Well, I don't mean to be harsh but I can't assume that he has no character and no class. He was scared off by your obvious attempt at getting him to feel sorry for you with your story, and continue contact with you, you basically admit that. He had already "washed his hands of you" from your own admission, so why open up with all this info about your relationship past (not being insensitive here.)