What in the hell are people thinking (lack of?) these days?

[badz2801]

Hey everyone

 

I have a few basic questions mainly directed towards women. What in the hell are you people thinking? A guy will can be the perfect boyfriend (in general) and you will throw him away without question. Then a few months later you will want him back and find out that the grass is not so green else where.

 

My ex-gf just contacted me again after I sent her a very specific e-mail to stay out of my life forever. I have tried everything to stay away from her and she keeps following me. She imed me with nice things to say (not asking me back) and I have yet to respond. What would you do? I can't deny that I would like to be with her again, but I don't think it would be good for either of us. She appears to have someone and is sending me these messages. While I can forgive, I don't forget and she has done some very messed up things.

 

What would you do? Would you respond? How would you? How can I see if she still has feelings.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "I have a few basic questions mainly directed towards women. What in the hell are you people thinking? A guy will can be the perfect boyfriend (in general) and you will throw him away without question."

 

A lot of women don't want perfect boyfriends...they can be quite boring to them. There are more than just a few females out there who are attracted to men who need fixing...to give them something to do. If I had a penny for every woman who wanted to change a man, I would be a multi-billionaire.

 

As far as your ex girlfriend is concerned, tell her to take a long walk off a short pier. If you let her back into your life, it will be deja vu all over again...as baseball great Yogi Berra once said.

[Paul UK]

As someone who is going through this, being dumped by a gorgeous gf who keeps calling up I'll point out the following...

She may be calling you to lessen her own feelings of guilt, in which case (if you're up to it) keep talking to her in a civil fashion and make her realise what she's missing out on. Tell her you're out having a great time with friends and meeting lots of new people, even if you're not. If she eventually gets round to wanting a second chance don't grant her it immediately, make her work for it because your trust for her has been compromised I should imagine. Whilst she's working to get you back, if you meet another genuinely nice girl.....go for it. Any second chance in the relationship is based on the dynamics within it, and for her to finish with you as probably made her feel like she's wearing the boots. Ultimately, however, act consistently as a gentleman and don't resort to insults at any cost. Keep your head up high!

[Confused610]

Stop stereotyping.

[Kat]

Man, boring and comfy is so much nicer once you have had an a**h*** who has ripped you to shreds.

You don't appreciate what you have until you are mature enough to accept that it is ok to be comfy in a relationship, and not on the edge.

 

Ley her go, sure if she waits a day after you have an argument and comes back an says it is a mistake fine, but not a few months.

 

Just cause she can't find anyone to take her and she knows you will so she is going back to someone she knows she can 'use'.

 

Just my thoughts, as I have been on the giving and receiving sign of this senario

[badz2801]

To all who responded thank you very much.

 

Well I dont even know where to begin.

 

Tony: I know exactly what you mean with the imperfect boyfriend. My own mother is one of those people who married an ass and dumped the good catch.

 

I don't think I am going to tell her much of anything, considering it will just spawn a fight. I think I am just not going to respond and wait to see what happens. If she really wants me and has changed she knows where to find me.

 

Paul UK: Hey man I am sorry to hear that you are going thru something similar. I definatly agree that acting like an ass will get me no where. The time for that has come and gone. You are also correct with the inexperience thing. I have a feeling that I am bent out of shape over her b/c that is all I know. I have only had one serious relationship to compare things too. I figure that if we are meant to be, this summer will be when it happens. I definatly have ZERO trust in her. I even doubted it through the relationship (loyality). I am also not sure how she could rebuild it considering we attend two different schools. I have several ideas in mind that would show me if she was serious or not.

 

Confused610: I don't think that I am stereotyping. When I say I am picky I am picky about who they are. I like certain traits in women. While I agree I am focusing on the physical, my attraction to a person usually developes from a great friendship.

 

Kat: You sound like someone who can speak from exp on my ex's personality. My ex is a very self centered person, who has a bad history of loving and leaving. She has been hurt many times prior to me and thus I don't understand why she left. She even told me that she was looking for a nice guy.

 

Whats kind of odd about the whole nice "perfect/borring" boyfriend thing is that I am not sure where I stand. You see I had all the traits of a great boyfriend (loyal, loving, respectful, funny, physically attractive, money, etc.), yet I was wild as well. We had countless drug expereinces (weed only for me) together, exotic trips to the tropics, fast cars, kinky sex, illegal activities, etc. Im kind of a 1/2 and 1/2. It was when I was trying to break away from drugs that things got bad between us. She is a huge drinker (party girl) and couldn't just drink a few. My father is the same way and I did not want to be like that. Thus, I stopped the high school/college party atmosphere and decided to grow up a little. I know I still love her, I just don't want to get hurt again.

 

What is a good way to tell that she has grown up? How do I know she is serious and not just trying for me because she can't find anyone else? She has a "friend/boy friend/ass" that she is with now. She has also told me that she is able to have sex without feelings for people (a feeling I often got when we were together). Infact she told one of my friends that everyone before me was just a "piece of ass" and she really loved me (bs if you ask me). I know real love and real love is not what she displayed. She said have a good semester and she hopes life is going well for me. Do you think I should respond? Any ideas, suggestions, scolding, etc would be greatly appreciated.

 

Also I have another question. She has on her profile

 

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. -Abraham Lincoln

 

"When it comes to relationships...some settle for less, some just settle, and some won't settle for anything less than butterflies."~Sex and the City

 

What exactly does the bottom quote mean? I don't watch the show and I suspect that it has a meaning other than the obvious. Something deep down tells me that she will never change and that this is all in vein.

[midori]

I think you would do better to focus on yourself and what you need in order to not be miserable and constantly anxious (at a minimum). Asking her to stay away is perfectly reasonable, and if she can't/won't respect that request, change your number. Seriously. Screen your calls, erase her emails, do whatever you need to block her.

 

I don't think it's a specifically female ploy. I had an ex boyfriend (more than one, come to think of it) who behaved that way: "you're the best thing that ever happened to me, but I just can't be in a relationship with you." Followed by pain and beginning of recovery for me, only to be derailed by ex's reappearance from Out of the Blue -- yet, as ever, with unclear intentions.

 

Sometimes people have to adjust to the dynamics of a good relationship, if they're not accustomed to having a healthy, loving connection to another person. Sometimes they need to adjust to the idea of a good thing by stepping back for a little while. That stepping back is only acceptable if they do so in a thoroughly honest and thoughtful way, trying to minimize the impact on their boyfriend or girlfriend. And when/if they've had enough distance to get some perspective, they must be very very clear about why they're ready to re-engage in the relationship.

 

She doesn't appear to have met any of those criteria. She wasn't kind or thoughtful, and she isn't being thoughtful now. Nor does she appear to have a clear, firm understanding of what she wants, what she's prepared to give, etc. THUS, she has no business coming around.

 

Look at it this way: if this were a joint business endeavor, rather than a romantic relationship, wouldn't you have pulled in your chips by now, given your business partner's flakey, unreliable behavior? You wouldn't be thinking, "what can I do to get her to see that she really wants to participate in this with me? should I wait a bit longer to see if she'll come around and get serious? is it possible that, if she changes her mind, she won't screw up again and risk our joint assets?" No, no. You'd be looking for a new business partner, and you wouldn't return her calls. There would be no more lunch meetings, no more planning sessions. No one goes into business with someone they know to be unreliable, indecisive, and not really interested in running a business. Not unless they want to lose their money.

 

She's not going to change for a long, long time. If ever. You won't be around to witness it. So don't put your life on hold waiting for it. Get her off your back, using whatever means it takes. Get cold & nasty if you must. Make it clear that her calls and emails are unwelcome and will go unread and unanswered.

[badz2801]

midori you are definatly correct...I would have pulled my chips a long time ago.

 

Its very hard to let go of this one, but the more she contacts me with unsaid intensions the more I do not want her. You are also correct that Rachel did not leave trying to minimize the effects (she tried to hurt me).

 

In the end I did not respond. I wanted too, but she is not being clear enough for me (esp since she is supposed to be with someone). I see too many patterns and I think this time I can save myself some greif. I hope that one day she might change and be able to have a good relationship with me. Its funny...I always made it a rule that if they slept with anyone else I would not take them back. Yet Rachel is the one girl that I would take back...provided she really changed.

 

Do you think I should try and stay friends with her to keep the possibility alive? The only problem I have with that is... what kind of friend treats their friends like she does. Infact one night after she broke up with me, my father and I got into our first physical fight. He was drunk and I did not feel like taking his crap. In the end I won the fight...but I called Rach crying. I told her I needed her as a friend and that I had no one. She did not even seem to care. Its moments like that which make me reconsider my love for her.

 

Thank you for your help.