In love with my best friend

[superfool]

well i've known this girl for three years now, and we've been extremely close for a long period in that time.... recently i've had feelings for her but decided to ignore them as i thought it would just ruin things... after a lot of thought, i realized that keeping this from her was wrong and that i really should tell her - which i did....

 

at first, she seemed very normal with the situation... but just a few hours later, she was annoyed with the fact that i could have these feelings... she also mentioned that she doesnt feel the same way and never will either...

 

previously we would probably talk to each other for say 2-4hours a day - thats excluding the time we spent chatting on msn..... suddenly she ignores my calls... she has answered a couple of times, but since she was on another call at the time (both times), said she'll call back - which did not happen.....

 

so for the last two days, i haven't called or messaged her....

 

what i need to know is:

1> if i'm doing the right thing by keeping my distance?

2> what is the best way to deal with the situation?

3> what could be the reason for her to behave in this way - after we've been so close?

4> am i wrong to feel this way about someone whos been so close to me for so long?

 

would really appreciate any help - because here im faced with not only losing someone that i love - but also losing that friendship thats mean so much....

[LoveLace]

1) yes keeping your distance is a good idea. She told you she doesn't feel the same, so she might be uncomfortable with a lot of contact right now. But eventually it would be a good friend of her to discuss with you, and discuss weather or not the friendship can continue despite of your feelings.

 

2) You have already dealt with it in the best way--by being honest. Now, you have to decide weather or not it would hurt you too much to remain friends with her...and don't see staying friends as buying time...she isn't likely to change her mind. So if it hurts too much, this could just be the end of the friendship...but again, if you are best friends, it'd be a good idea to talk and find out how she views the friendship now as well.

 

3) She must not have seen this coming, 1st of all. And since her feelings are not mutual, she's just a little freaked out I think. She isn't sure of how to treat the situation, any more than you are. Again, people who claim to "best friends" should be able to talk about it. But she probably doesn't want to hurt you, either--sometimes we push people away without meaning to.

 

4) There is nothing wrong about your feelings. In fact, no one should be shocked when this happens to platonic relationships. If she's a good friend she knows she can't ignore it forever, and if she does, then she isn't a considerate friend and doesn't deserve you anyway. You might get to the point where you feel angry at her...this is normal.

 

Just stay clear of her for a while -- no phone calls, nothing. Eventually, she'll cool off, think about things, and hopefully come back to discuss things. If not, just let it go and move on. She isn't worth the pain if she won't be respectful enough to at least be more understanding of what you are going through.

[rakula]

Hey man.. I totally know what you're going through. You're story is very similar ot mine LoveLace that is some good advice. We actually talked a little bit afterward our emails of what is going on and she said our friendship is important to her and not to worry and that we would work it out. But then 2 days later it's like she blew up at me saying that she thinks she has told me too much and in order to have a new friendship I have to forget the last 5 years of conversations. That's not even possible for me. So I'm really not sure where to go from this point.

[Yamaha]

She's mad because you have changed your friendship and she doesn't feel the same as you. She is selfish and wanted to keep things as they were ( even though I'm sure she knew you had feelings for her ) as it was good for her. Now, because of your declaration of feelings, you have ruined something she was comfortable with into something unwanted.

 

If she follows the usual pattern she will avoid you and distance herself. If she really was a friend she will miss your friendship and will want to see if you can still be friends. If the friendship was based on you giving her the attention she wanted (but she really wasn't as close as you thought) the friendship will end. Many women just can't handle the fact that you want a physical relationship with her when she doesn't with you ( and that you now know she doesn't feel the same ). You did nothing wrong but it is one of life's lessons in that you need to find out the other persons feelings for you before you go spilling your guts.