This may sound small but its not to me.

[EDDO]

Hello, I am a 44 year old man and I know at this age, things should be clear to me but I am very very confused so that is why I am here. I am divorced, have a 12yr old girl who lives with me, have been single for a couple of years since a very bad relationship. I met a woman 5 months ago and we clicked right away and have been together since. Things were great but after a couple/few months, little things started to change with her. She stopped coming over to my place, the sweet good morning emails stopped coming as much, those little things we talked that we would never stop as then the relationship will change over time. I tried to talk to her about what has changed and she always said nothing or just couldn’t answer. A couple weeks ago she stopped telling me she loved me, unless I told her first. I waited but she just stopped. I knew something was up but summed it up to stress as she has a lot lately it seems. Everything else was good, like when we were together. Still held hands, still kissed etc etc.

Some background on her: She is 41 almost, was married for 19 years until her husband passed away a couple years ago of cancer. Since then, she has dated and had a couple short term relationships until me.

Moving on, last Friday we both took the day off and just lazed around all day in the sun doing nothing. We talked etc and at one point she brought up having coffee with this man named Tommy where at this coffee house her and her friends go to once in a while. It was just a little story but thought that it was kinda strange that she didn’t mention to me that she went there. Not that I ask where she goes but normally she would mention just in conversation.

 

Well on Sunday when we woke up, she seemed a bit distant. She talked to her son who is a young man and after getting off the phone, she said she was going to go hang out with him. I thought it was kinda rude as there was no discussion about it, it was like ok go do your own thing. Well we left and she met up with him and her other 2 older kids at a mall. Since I didn’t make any of my own plans as I thought we would be spending the day together I just went to the park and got some sun. I called her at some point and she said if I wanted to come to the mall, I could. I didn’t feel that welcome but was bored so I did. When I got there, she was still distant. Not wanting me there I could feel it. After about a ½ hour, she said she was going to go for a beer with her son at a pub we sometimes went on Sundays and then home. I was kinda pissed and said, well why ask me down here then?

 

Anyway, it was about 4pm and I went home and did some stuff around there. At about 7pm, I didn’t hear from her and I had this gut feeling like I have had in the past. I went down there, walked in and saw her and her son at a table. The only thing was that there was a chair pulled up right beside her and there was a man sitting in it. I walked up and their backs were toward me and as I looked down, I saw her arm over the chair, holding his hand on his lap. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I said what the **** is going on?? I said a few other things and walked out. Her son came running out and said, whats going on? I said they were holding hands etc etc and not sure if he even realized it. I asked him who the guy was and he told me his name was Tommy and that she told him that he was coming down for a beer. (The same guy from before) After a few minutes, I went back in and asked her to come outside. She did and she was very drunk. She tried to say that they were just friends etc etc and I finally told her that she blew it big time and left. This was about 8PM.

 

About 9 pm, she called me from home and I said I was coming down right now to get my stuff. She was still drunk and said ok. When I got there, she was wearing this little silk nighty. I said are you expecting company?? She said, do you see anyone here? Yes I know, GRR. I asked her how she got home and she said her daughter came and drove her. After arguing and grabbing my stuff, I walked out. About 10 min of driving, I forgot something and went back. When she answered the door, she was wearing another sundress but I didn’t think about it much. This was about 10:30pm

 

I went home and went to bed just devastated and thought that why would she put on another dress if she was going to bed? I called her house from my cell so0 she wouldn’t know where I was but no one answered. I called 2 more times right after and she still didn’t answer. I knew she was there and knew he was also. I was so mad, yes I know childish, and got up and went there. When I was almost there (12:30am) she called and said she went to get her van and was almost home. We pulled up almost at the same time. When inside, I asked her if he was there. She wouldn’t answer. I asked how she got her van, she wouldn’t answer. I said that I knew he was over and she said “well why ask then?” She tried to say she needed to go get her van and how else? Even though her daughter could have drove her the next morning. I left just devastated and have been since.

 

This is her story: She ran into him a couple weeks back, exchanged phone numbers as friends ( which I still think was wrong) , and though he had called her a number of times, she didn’t answer. (and never mentioned him at all) He just happened to call when she was there and he said he would come down and have a beer. (for not talking, why would they be holding hands that fast) She went home, put on that nighty cause it was cool but then put on the sundress when she called him to ask her to take her to her van. (I don’t think so and I’m thinking maybe she was to drunk and forgot I was coming there?)

 

She has since said a million times how sorry she is. I have seen her a couple times and everytime she starts crying at some point. She says she doesn’t know why she did it but that is exactly what happened and all they did was hold hands. I believe she is sincerely sorry but now I have to believe the extreme because I don’t know what really happened. If it just happened to be at the pub that day, that would never be right at all but better then knowing about the phone numbers and him going there afterward. How can I believe anything or her anymore. I asked her last night that if she would know what she knows now and could reverse time, would she? She said yes 100%. I asked her ifff we both decide to try to work this out, would she? She said she didn’t know as she feels I would always blame her, never trust her again where ever she went and phone calls etc. I told her that yes I would be like that for an amount of time but if we both really loved each other, we would do whatever it takes to get through this. I still don’t know what to do. Do I cut my losses now? Do I try to work things out? Do I want to take another chance just so I can have my heart maybe crushed again? I just don’t know. I do know its only been 5 months but I do love her.

 

Below is an one email she sent to me couple days ago.. Thanks

 

I just wanted to tell you again just how sorry I truly am. I won't bother you again and I think it's best because even though you have every right to hate it is still hard to take. It breaks my heart to see what I have done to you and to us, I don't know why I did this to us. I know that there could never again be a you and me because I know you would never forgive me. I also know that I could never make this up to you as a girlfriend but I thought I could maybe make it up to you as a friend, but I can see it in your eyes that you don't really want any part of me in your life. I really won't bother you anymore as you deserve to move on and be happy. I really do love you and I wish I would have given that more thought before I decided to rip us apart. You really were the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never know just how good it could have been. When I sit and think about everything now and look back on all the things we did together it breaks my heart. For some reason I actually even thought we would probably be married some day, but I guess I blew that big time. I will forever miss you and I will always love you in my heart.

[Italiana]

I'm sorry to say this because you seem like a really nice man but i think this girl is playing you

 

i was caught by an ex for cheating.

she sounded similar to me when i was trying to take the easy way out of the relationship. my guilt caused me to act the way i did in lieu of my cheating. it does not mean she does not love you it just means she doesnt love herself.

the email she wrote you just doesn't sound sincere to me. if she really wanted to be with you she wouldn't make so many references to you not wanting to be with her and you never forgiving her.

it sounds to me like she's making excuses and almost pushing you to feel like you cannot trust her anymore.

if she truly wanted you back she would be apologizing and telling you that it would never happen again and that she will earn back your trust no matter what she had to do. it seems like she isn;t taking accountability for her actions and does not want to be in the "doghouse"

in her email it sounds as if she wants YOU to beg HER back and tell her that you want to be with her and that you will trust her

she's trying to take the easy way out (or she's really insecure)

 

your gut was telling you the truth. the change in her behavior was the clue to her unfaithfulness. she's a player and taking advantage of you

 

i feel the best thing for you to do would be to just move on... if she really loves you make her "sweat" it out.

if you are meant to be fate will bring you together again.

or maybe this is a blessing in disguise and fate will bring you another angel you would have never met being in a rel. with her

 

[Aloros]

I'm sorry. I'd cut your losses and move on. You have every right not to trust her, and if she was truly remorseful and truly wanted to work things out, she should be bending over backwards to regain your trust. Of course you'd be worried about her phone calls and where she is going! She doesn't sound like she wants to make the effort to repair your trust.

 

She just sounds like she's feeling bad for getting CAUGHT.

 

I know you love her, and it's hard, but you deserve better than that. There are plenty of women out there who will not cheat.

[LoveLace]

It sounds like maybe she even wanted to get caught...she cared about you and loved you, but perhaps started to feel that she was not IN love...and when you described her telling you about the coffee guy, I was thinking she told you that story on purpose. To ease her way out, or hoping it would start an argument, leading to a break up. I think its sincere that she didn't want to hurt you. But she couldn't find a way around it, and hurt you anyway, and hurt you more than she intended to.

 

You do sound like a nice man and even if you two gave it a try again, it would be rocky in the trust department, due to this occurrence. Things would still be complicated, maybe even more so. Start fresh, and see what else is out there--cuz there is better for you.

[LakesideDream]

Sad story EDDO, you were correct in being suspicious, and you did the right thing bowing out as you did.

 

I am not so sure she was playing you, as much as "shopping". Chances are good she learned a lesson, as you did.

 

Beginning "relationships" as mature adults is much more difficult than it was twenty or more years before. Whether we like it or not, we all bring our experiances, good and bad with us.

 

BTW, 44 ain't so old. If you think it is... well.. someday you'll be 58 like meself. Yuck.

[Walk]

This is her story: She ran into him a couple weeks back, exchanged phone numbers as friends ( which I still think was wrong) , and though he had called her a number of times, she didn’t answer. (and never mentioned him at all) He just happened to call when she was there and he said he would come down and have a beer. ...........

 

she called him to ask her to take her to her van.

 

She says she doesn’t know why she did it but that is exactly what happened and all they did was hold hands.

Even IF all they did was hold hands, her stories are so full of lies and conflicting versions that there's no way I could ever believe her.

 

She says she had ignored his calls until that night.. but the sunday before she had related a story about "Tommy" being at the coffee shop.

she brought up having coffee with this man named Tommy where at this coffee house her and her friends go

So, why wouldn't she mention this? That Tommy is a friend and she's talked to him on more than one occasion before. In your post, when you were relating her excuse as to why Tommy was at the bar, she implied that she only ran into him one (1) time and they exchanged phone numbers.

She tried to say that they were just friends etc etc

A friend that she trusts enough to call late at night, and impose on him enough to ask if he'll pick her up to get her van? She said she only met him ONCE. Never talked to him til that night at the bar. Yet she entrusts her safety with a stranger rather than ask her daughter. And she feels comfortable enough with the guy to make him go out of his way late at night to help her. Yeah, right.

 

I think she tried to cover up their relationship by making it seem as though she only just met the guy this one time. That she didn't have contact with him prior to this.

though he had called her a number of times, she didn’t answer

She's giving you a watered down, forgivable version of the story. Cop to a lesser crime to avoid telling the whole truth.

 

I think you should email this woman back, wish her a great life, and say goodbye for good. You can't salvage anything with her when she is still lying about her relationship with Tommy. She never told you the real truth. She's giving you enough to make the story seem plausible, but it sure as hell isn't the truth.

[EDDO]

Hello Everyone, First I want to thank all of you for responding, I really do appreciate it. Each one of you have very valid points and took something from each of them. Its Sunday night and I thought I would update you if you're interested.

 

Friday night, I landed up going over to her place. We talked quite a bit and I was still unsure what to do and so was she, for other reasons though. This has happened to me before and I guess has made me a little paranoid at times. When things dont seem right, I would indirectly ask her things which made her feel I didnt trust her and she felt like she had to report what she was doing all the time she said. I wasnt like that at first but when those little things started changing, I started wondering a little more so I guess I did. In the end though, it proved to be right again. It was so hard to trust anyone again and now its worse then it was. She said she just dosnt know if she wants to live like that and I agree. It would take both of us if we both really wanted it to work. We talked and she cryed a few times really hard so I know that she really is sorry. Well I landed up sleeping over with full intentions of leaving in the morning and knowing that if we didnt end up Sat night together, that would be it for good.

 

Well Sat afternoon, I said I was going to leave and she asked me to stay. I said ok and later we decided to go out with some friends. We had a great night and she was like she was when we first started together. I know what your thinking, its "the honeymoon syndrome" but it wasnt because nothing was decided yet. We were just having a good time. During the night, certain things came up that meant changes that will happen from her on issues I had which was kinda weird. As though in her own way, she was telling me that she is willing to try. I know that no matter what the issues were, going to another man is not acceptable but can people make mistakes and learn from them?

 

I left Sunday night and she was still the same until I walked out the door. I still dont know what to do. Do I take a chance that she actually learned from this? Can I accept that she did this and accept the worse because I will never really know the full truth of what happened that night? Will this all be worth it in the end? I just dont know.

[EDDO]

Hello Everyone, First I want to thank all of you for responding, I really do appreciate it. Each one of you have very valid points and took something from each of them. Its Sunday night and I thought I would update you if you're interested.

 

Friday night, I landed up going over to her place. We talked quite a bit and I was still unsure what to do and so was she, for other reasons though. This has happened to me before and I guess has made me a little paranoid at times. When things dont seem right, I would indirectly ask her things which made her feel I didnt trust her and she felt like she had to report what she was doing all the time she said. I wasnt like that at first but when those little things started changing, I started wondering a little more so I guess I did. In the end though, it proved to be right again. It was so hard to trust anyone again and now its worse then it was. She said she just dosnt know if she wants to live like that and I agree. It would take both of us if we both really wanted it to work. We talked and she cryed a few times really hard so I know that she really is sorry. Well I landed up sleeping over with full intentions of leaving in the morning and knowing that if we didnt end up Sat night together, that would be it for good.

 

Well Sat afternoon, I said I was going to leave and she asked me to stay. I said ok and later we decided to go out with some friends. We had a great night and she was like she was when we first started together. I know what your thinking, its "the honeymoon syndrome" but it wasnt because nothing was decided yet. We were just having a good time. During the night, certain things came up that meant changes that will happen from her on issues I had which was kinda weird. As though in her own way, she was telling me that she is willing to try. I know that no matter what the issues were, going to another man is not acceptable but can people make mistakes and learn from them?

 

I left Sunday night and she was still the same until I walked out the door. I still dont know what to do. Do I take a chance that she actually learned from this? Can I accept that she did this and accept the worse because I will never really know the full truth of what happened that night? Will this all be worth it in the end? I just dont know.

 

Oh and yes, Im 44 and that is not old. I look mid 30's, and feel 25 at times.

[Cobra_X30]

Advice.

 

I would dump her. If she is not willing to be sensetive to your past she doesnt love you.

 

Dont be desperate. There are millions of women looking for a decent guy. Please dont feel like this lady is your only shot.

[nicki]

I'm afraid that this is a character flaw on her part and she will do it again, probably as soon as you relax and feel comfortable that things are okay.

 

I'll bet that many women would love to be in a relationship with you. Give yourself a chance to experience love with a "good woman." You are obviously a good man yourself.

[dbtmarley]

Eddo,

 

I follow what some of the others have said and think you should let this one go. She lied to you about another man, not a good sign. Your trust has been broken and it will most likely lead to other issues between the two of you. Pretty soon you will start doubting yourself... if you have not already you will start blaming this whole thing on your self.

 

Leave her for what she is. A fun date. Do not block anymore blessing from coming your way by wasting time with this woman.

 

Let Tommy Boy have her....

[bish]

Below is an one email she sent to me couple days ago.. Thanks

 

I just wanted to tell you again just how sorry I truly am. I won't bother you again and I think it's best because even though you have every right to hate it is still hard to take. It breaks my heart to see what I have done to you and to us, I don't know why I did this to us. I know that there could never again be a you and me because I know you would never forgive me. I also know that I could never make this up to you as a girlfriend but I thought I could maybe make it up to you as a friend, but I can see it in your eyes that you don't really want any part of me in your life. I really won't bother you anymore as you deserve to move on and be happy. I really do love you and I wish I would have given that more thought before I decided to rip us apart. You really were the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never know just how good it could have been. When I sit and think about everything now and look back on all the things we did together it breaks my heart. For some reason I actually even thought we would probably be married some day, but I guess I blew that big time. I will forever miss you and I will always love you in my heart.

 

LOL. I hope you wrote her back and the only thing in your reply was "F#$K YOU!!!"

[LoveLace]

I would tell her you just want to be "friends"--which means no sleeping over or sex, etc...and find other women to date. Don't put any more trust into her at this point.

 

Here's a motto: "f*ck me once, shame on you! F*ck me twice, shame on ME!"

[EDDO]

Hello Everyone, I havent been on here in quite some time. Since my last post, my GF and I worked things out. She landed up moving in with my daughter and I and at first, we had some issues. The biggest was that she realized that she didnt want to do the Mom thing again. besides that, everything has been awesome. She is so loving and compassionate and we have a great time together all the time. She has excepted that my daughter is part of our lifes and that even has been going awesome. We bought some new furniture, had a great summer together and really moved on.

 

Well last weekend she went into work. She was working along another guy all of Sat and because they werent finished, she had to go in on Sunday. I get these feelings for some reason and it didnt sit well with me. Anyway, we are way past that now so what can I say hey? Well yesterday morning, something told me to look at her emails on her blackberry. I have not even touched it before this. She was in the shower and i see these emails from a hot mail account. As I looked, it was from the guy she worked with on the weekend. I guess on sunday, they landed up kissing and who knows what else while they worked. He talked about how he was so upset that she couldnt give his all to him and on and on. I confronted her right away and that was it. Its been hell ever since and again I am crushed to pieces. I know what everyone will say but why would she do that again? Everything has been great, really great? I swear there is nothing lacking in the relationship so I just dont understand. why would she do this again

[Trimmer]

I guess on sunday, they landed up kissing and who knows what else while they worked. He talked about how he was so upset that she couldnt give his all to him and on and on. I confronted her right away and that was it. Its been hell ever since and again I am crushed to pieces. I know what everyone will say but why would she do that again? Everything has been great, really great? I swear there is nothing lacking in the relationship so I just dont understand. why would she do this again

Why she would do it doesn't really matter, does it? You should have all the information you need about her now from her behavior. It's not about you at this point, it's about her, and figuring out how she works inside, and "why" she does what she does is not really all that important in the long run, is it?

 

Again, you have all the information you need from her behavior.

[shadowplay]

I don't usually get emotional reading LS posts, but this thread has really upset me. You seem like such a decent person and this b%tch doesn't deserve you. I know it's painful to hear but she's using you and obviously has no respect for you. She likes the stability of a long-term relationship you give her and probably the way you dote on her...you're someone she can fall back on that she knows will always be there while she plays around with other guys and shops for somebody "better." That email she wrote to you earlier on sounded completely insincere to me.

 

I wouldn't believe anything she says anymore. Dump her. And don't be nice about it. Tell her how angry you are. And no contact from now on. Please, please, please don't take this woman back. She's cold-hearted, selfish and manipulative.

[Cobra_X30]

EDDO,

 

Are you going to permit her to do this to you? You need to show your daughter that you have self respect!

 

She doesnt want to do the mother thing again? She has no interest in your child! How can you live with that? This woman is trash!

[confused39]

Sometimes, some things just aren't going to make sense. And sometimes, a person has to just accept things for what they are. Was she concerned about you when she kissed the guy? Nope. Accept that. Now, can you LIVE with that? If yes, then by all means, try to figure it out. If you CAN'T live with that, pack her things and send her on her way.

 

You're crushed again. How many times does she get to do that to you?

[LakesideDream]

EDDO, I even more Geezerized than you, at 57. I know how compelling it is to have thoughts of "working it out" with someone you are attracted to and have feelings for. Fight the compulsion!

 

This woman has pulled the same mess twice now, months apart, with different men. Wasn't her liason with Tommy enough to teach you? Obviously it was enough to make you supicious and aware.

 

Grab your daughter and move on. Try not to make a big deal about it for your daughters sake. She"s gone through more than enough these past few months.

 

Good Luck, and welcome to Geezerdom. It aint like being 30 is it?

[marlena]

EDDO, I even more Geezerized than you, at 57. I know how compelling it is to have thoughts of "working it out" with someone you are attracted to and have feelings for. Fight the compulsion!

 

This woman has pulled the same mess twice now, months apart, with different men. Wasn't her liason with Tommy enough to teach you? Obviously it was enough to make you supicious and aware.

 

Grab your daughter and move on. Try not to make a big deal about it for your daughters sake. She"s gone through more than enough these past few months.

 

Good Luck, and welcome to Geezerdom. It aint like being 30 is it?

Eddo,

 

Let me ask you this.. If you continue to stay in the realtionship, will you trust her again? Can you? If the answer is yes then go ahead...give it yet another try. If the answer is no, then you have some serious thinking to do and even more serious decisions to make.

 

Staying in a relationship with someone you are constantly suspicious of will only poison that relationship and your heart too. Can you go through the same heartache again? Do you want to take the risk? Will you bear up to the pain and loss once again? How many times can an old wound be opened and reopened?

 

I know what is like to be getting on in years. Sometimes you feel like you have to settle ... this feeling is born of fear ..the fear that we could not possibly love and be loved again...that we will not be given a second chance. It is a reasonable fear. The fear of being alone in our twilight years.

 

Of course you are a far cry away from those years but we all sense a rising panic in us as those dreaded fifties loom ahead ...

 

But think, can you take all this drama if it were to happen again let's say in five years? Ten? Will you be resilient enough to bounce back from yet another betrayal? Or will it destroy you and take a toll on your health?

 

I don't know what to tell you. If you like drama in your life..if that's what you need to feel alive...well, Ok , then. There's your answer. If not, then, take your daughter by the hand and walk away from what I see as a potentially bad partnership.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck!

[EDDO]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have some serious thinking ahead of me.

[EDDO]

Well its been a few days since I found out about my gf doing whatever with the guy from work. I think I am actually loosing my mind here. I so want us to get through this and move on. She still says she doesnt know why she did it. How she doesnt deserve a guy like me. How once again she has screwed everything up. She was crying really hard the other night swearing that there is something seriously wrong with her. How sorry she is etc etc etc. I still dont get it.

 

How can I trust her again if she is seriously sorry and is commiting to making this better? I can I get over that everyday for about 1 1/5 hours he could be around her at work? I am even thinking about ways to get him fired so I dont have to feel this everyday. She lied to me, acting all loveable yet doing this. How could she do that? Even though I caught her within the first few days, what would have happened if I didnt? Is she using me? Does she really love me because if she did, why would she have done this? Am I gutless because I would try to make this better rather then losing her? If things were going bad before this happened, then I can possibly see that this is a lost case, but it was totally the opposite and that is why I am very confused. I am thinking maybe because there is something wrong with me? I am so confused and soooo sad.

[Whyme_wtf]

Please please please break ties. She will be like this forever with you. I have learned through my own bad experiences. They seem very similar to my own (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130169/)

By leaving and comming back and leaving and comming back she has learned now that she can do this to you.

Be a man of your word and end it for good. Respect yourself and your daughter. You are not teaching your daughter good things by this behavior of yours either.

NC and stick with it. The only thing wrong is you allowing this to continue.

[underpants]

Well its been a few days since I found out about my gf doing whatever with the guy from work. I think I am actually loosing my mind here. I so want us to get through this and move on. She still says she doesnt know why she did it. How she doesnt deserve a guy like me. How once again she has screwed everything up. She was crying really hard the other night swearing that there is something seriously wrong with her. How sorry she is etc etc etc. I still dont get it.

 

How can I trust her again if she is seriously sorry and is commiting to making this better? I can I get over that everyday for about 1 1/5 hours he could be around her at work? I am even thinking about ways to get him fired so I dont have to feel this everyday. She lied to me, acting all loveable yet doing this. How could she do that? Even though I caught her within the first few days, what would have happened if I didnt? Is she using me? Does she really love me because if she did, why would she have done this? Am I gutless because I would try to make this better rather then losing her? If things were going bad before this happened, then I can possibly see that this is a lost case, but it was totally the opposite and that is why I am very confused. I am thinking maybe because there is something wrong with me? I am so confused and soooo sad.

 

I don't think LOVE should make you feel like this. Not real love. She has burned you twice (that you know of) in under a year. In the face of 'being caught'...she just says she doesn't know why she did it....that is not accountability and real remourse, that is unaccountability. Whether she loves you or is just using you is irrelevent....she has a pattern of behaviour. What you need to ask yourself is if this behaviour is acceptable to you (and to your daughter)?

 

I would agree with her. She does not deserve a guy like you and she should find her own place.

 

Don't let her manipulate you with tears, that is silly and I am sure your 12 year old daughter can see straight through that. Or maybe she is taking notes on how to get to Daddy....Christmas is nearing.

 

I think once you get her out of your home. The healing will be easier. Standing up for you and your kid might even make her feel the loss...and be a jumping point for her to address her issues. Enabling it will probably just result in repeated familiar behaviours and patterns.

 

....good luck....and be strong.

[EDDO]

I have read your story Whyme and it does give me insperation. I will say though that over the last coupld of months, my daughter and her have got close and really, everything was perfect. Also, my daughter does not have any idea that anything is wrong, we have kept things like they are almost normal. If she was cold and non-caring, that would make things easier but she really does seem very very sorry for all the damage she has done. maybe she does have some kind of problem she doesnt know herself what it is that can be fixed? Does this some dumb?