Right, wrong, fast, normal?

[princess]

I have only had two 'long-term relationships' and they have been long-disance, so I am not sure I can even class them as that.

 

I have recently begun dating a guy-in my area

 

But I am confused...

 

We seemed to have clicked and felt very comfortable with eachother very quickly. His views on relationships are very similar to mine. I have never heard such mature and sound words from any man. Its like we want the same thing from a relationship.

 

But....he is always turned on when kissing me and is not shy to show it. He did try and get a bit more than kissing but when he realised thats not what I wanted he backed off. Which is a good thing.

 

But now he has told me he will be patient for me, he talks about 'the event' like it is going to happen when I am ready.

 

Even though I agree with that, in the back of my mind I feel like there is some kind of deadline...its a sort of invisible pressure...

 

He is quite special and the more I get to know him the more I like him. I don't have a problem with him getting turned on while we kiss, I get turned on too but since i am a girl it is not so obvious

 

But I guess I feel that he is waiting to be rewarded for his patience...instead of it just happening naturally because we both want to express our love or affection for eachother.

 

And logically, if I feel that sexual relations is a reward in his eyes, I also feel insecure...cos when he gets his reward he will most likely tire of me...

 

I do not want to be a challenge or conquest or a reward. I am tired of all those games...

 

Is there anyway I can talk about this to him without scaring him away? We haven't been going out long...

 

Or maybe some way to handle this situation, or a different perspective maybe. I could be seeing it all wrong and this could be normal behaviour for a man for all I know.

 

Relationships are good, relationships are scary. I am fed up of people winning my heart as a way to get me into bed...because my heart breaks...and the more it breaks, the harder it is to mend.

[Tony T]

There is no other way to handle this situation than to express your feelings just as you have posted them here. If he has any problem at all with that, he's not worth having around.

 

Any normal human being can understand that you would not want to be in a relationship where the ultimate goal of the man is to get in your pants. Sex is not a reward. Sex is not a goal to be attained. It is the ultimate expression of love between two people...unless it's simply sport sex, which this guy could get anywhere.

 

Don't hold anything back. Let him know exactly how you feel, exactly where your head is at, what's making you uncomfortable, and that you feel like you're on some kind of sexual countdown or timetable that you don't like at all.

 

If this man really has feelings for you, he will totally understand and back off his current posture. If he just wants to get in your pants, he may very well disappear, which will greatly be to your advantage.

 

I don't know how old you are but you will find that a great many younger men with sonic hormone levels will be after sex and after it in the most direct way possible. Don't blame them. It's software (and the hardware to go with it) mother nature installed in men in order to ensure continuation of the species. It's only in recent history that birth control and different morals have allowed screwing on a more casual basis.

 

Have this talk as soon as possible...but do keep in mind that he is a young man who's probably horny as hell. You can be horny and care about somebody a great deal at the same time.

[lilithsfire]

Your sentiments are very similar to those I have had in the past--we want to be cherished for who we are, not the equipment we have.

 

It doesn't sound though, like you're really worried that he just wants to have sex and then head out--you both have hit it off with each other in every other way. I think it basically comes down to him being completely honest and open with you about his feelings--he's waiting for the big moment, not necessarily because it's a prize for 'being patient,' but because it's exciting, and it's fun to anticipate. It appears that sex for him isn't an event, it's an experience--the deepest experience of you that he can have, and he's looking forward to that. He doesn't seem to be pressuring you.

 

Just be as open about your feelings as he's been with his. Tell him you are looking forward to it too, but you don't know when it'll be, and you don't want to know--you want it to just happen. He'll understand that.

 

I also think that a bit of this may be because you are worried that once he has sex, he'll take off--you mentioned that a few times. It's a viable fear, but don't let that get in the way of what sounds like a very healthy, fun relationship. Go slow, but if he gives you every reason to trust him, then go for it--sex is a huge decision, and should never be taken lightly--but it is also a huge component of a relationship and should not be feared too much either.

 

But I think once you talk with him you'll realize that all your fears will be taken care of and that you will both grow much closer.

[princess]

Well recently the subject came up between us quite naturally, and I told him exactly what you said, because thats how I feel.

 

And he did understand...and he also answered my unasked question...

 

He told me he is not the type of man that will go when he sleeps with a girl...

 

So far so good, and he does talk of us still being a couple in months ahead.

 

I am more relaxed now and am quite used to him in his turned on state. He even apologises if he thinks he went to far and tells me that in the heat of the moment he lacks some control and can't think as clearly

 

But he always respects my wishes.

 

Thank you both for your very good advice.

[lilithsfire]

I'm happy for you. The way you describe him and the tone of your words gives me the impression that you both could have a very awesome relationship.

 

Though, I'll confess, I say that partly because your situation reminds me of mine that I had with my boyfriend, who now, we're fairly sure, will be my husband in the next few years.

 

Enjoy the moments!

[yani]

Wow it's funny you should mention this because I am having the same dilema. I am 23 and am dating a 20 year old guy with a very high sex drive. He is great to me in all other ways but he has begun to nag me for sex. It is causing a great deal of conflict or frustration for the both of us. He's making me feel like he regrets getting with me due to the fact that I'm not on the same sexual level as him. I care for him a lot but we have only dated for 1 and 1/2 months. I often feel as if I have known him longer. I would feel silly to loose him over this because I too want to be intimate with him it's justthe naggging that's turning me off.

[lilithsfire]

Have you been honest with him about how it makes you feel when he always brings sex up? Is he asking you to do it, or does he just keep saying, "When we have sex...." If it's the former, then I suggest sitting down and explaining how you feel. If it's the latter, then I think that he's just excited and that he's not trying to pressure you.

 

You both have only been together a month and a half, and if you aren't ready to be that intimate yet, that's very very understandable. If he's a great guy, I'm sure he'd agree. But our bodies are not always as logical as our heads. I know in my case with my boyfriend, we had to practically handcuff ourselves to opposite ends of the room to keep from having sex--because we wanted to wait till we were sure and had developed the other aspects of our relationship--and it's ok to feel that way.

 

But it sounds like you're also worried that he has a higher sex drive than you do--what do you mean by that? Do you believe that he likes it more than you do, that he wants to be with you more than you want to be with him (sexually), or that he wants to have sex way more often then you do? I ask this because there are ways for couples to get their sex drives in sync so they are more compatible.

 

With my previous boyfriend, I had NO sex drive--completely asexual. For what reason, I don't know. I was terrified that this was my lot in life--that I was inherently not interested in sex. But then my new boyfriend came along, and everything changed. I think a lot of it had to do with the way we interacted with each other--maybe doing some of these things yourself will help with your sex drive:

 

A woman's sexual appetite, more than a man's, is primarily emotional. If our guy can arouse us emotionally, he barely has to work to get us going physically. Getting to know your guy better will help--do you have deep conversations about more than work, bills, daily activities, where to go to dinner, etc.? Do you talk about your dreams and aspirations, fears and childhood memories, fantasies, and 'what if' situations? Many of these conversations will nurture your sex drive because not only will you feel closer and more comfortable with him, but you'll naturally gravitate towards sensual topics that will enliven both of you.

 

Does your guy spend a lot of attention pleasuring you without making you feel like he wants anything in return? This means long massages that don't result in sex or making out, and it also means long massages that do. It means that he'll hold you and kiss you everywhere on your neck and upper back and whisper things to you. His doing these things are very important because they express to us as women that, "I want to be with you and make you happy, not so you'll give me sex, but simply because I want to make you happy."

 

Does he express verbally and through actions how attractive he finds you, not just as a sex partner, but as a complete, sensual, beautiful woman that he wants for her intellect as much as for her body?

 

At the same time, I couldn't tell from your post, but you could perhaps NOT want the higher sex drive, but instead you want his to get lower. That's a tough one, and if that's the case, you'll need to have a deep, honest conversation with him where you tell him how you feel and discuss your options as a couple. I've found the most effective way to talk about these issues isn't to say, "This is how I feel and this is what I want to do/what we need to do." Instead, say, "This is how I feel. How do you feel? What do you think we should do?" Get his input so he doesn't feel you're bombarding him--then give your input and come to a conclusion together. =)

 

I hate to say it, but I'll say one last thing: he may be too young. I hate saying that because I always dated older men when I was that age and younger. Even now, I'm 22 and my guy is 31--and we're perfect for each other. So the age incompatibility thing doesn't go for everyone, but if he's truly nagging you for sex, it could be that he's still in his experiential phase where he wants to go out, have fun, have lots of great sex he can tell the guys about, and basically 'live it up.' It's just something to keep in mind, and if that is the case, there may not be any way around it. Neither of you can change who you are--the key is to find out who, exactly, each of you is, and whether the two of you are compatible AS IS.

 

Good luck, and I hope something here helped!