rose45 Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 i used to notice my b/f turning his head while we were in the car and driving..and he would be turning his head at girls.. I am not saying he was drooling and completely breaking his neck BUT it really bothered me that if some girl was on his left side(and he was driving)he would slightly turn his head..and i would be sitting there holding his hand. Sometimes i would even notice his eyes glancing at a girl that was on my side..Probably not as a bad turning your head. I actually let this go FOR along time--b.c i thought--maybe it is just me and i am being completely insecure but after almost a year or maybe even a year..i had to say something because it still bothered me when it happened so i did..he tried to defend himself saying he looks at all people coming by but i just said if its a girl its a completely different story when you are turning his head. NOW--it happens a lot less since i told him and i feel a lot more secure. RECENTLY--i notice him using his MIRROR to look now...like for example..there was this blonde on his left side with loong hair..and we passed her i saw him glance at the mirror outside for like 5 to 10 seconds to see her and it was obvious to me he did not need the mirror becaus there were no cars in back of us, no traffic and we were on a street and he wasnt switching lanes..it was obvious he did it to look at the girl. I let it go and just said whatever, hes been pretty good with that lately..and it happened again..i notice him using the mirror to take that glance at a girl..so instead of him turning his head, hes doing it in another way(to me it seems just as obvious, im not blind)..i mean he has been good--but i actually feel like with this way--he thinks hes getting away with something and i am blind and dont see..i sent him a text afterwards saying i notice you doing it now with the mirror and i give up and be subtle about it..i was trying to be nice and not cause an argument..i then said or maybe i just need to be more blind about it. Any girl who is smart, can notice this--when you dont really need the mirror and you see your b/f slightly turning his head down to look at the one outside to his left in order to see the girl..I think its rude..and i completey wrong here, would this bother anyone else? I tried to make it casual and not cause a war. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Yes, it IS rude, BUT, you have to ask yourself how big a deal you want to make about it. Most of my BF's have been polite enough to restrain themselves with me, but once in a while I'd catch them, and usually make a joke about it. Looking at attractive people is totally natural and it hardly makes someone a cheater or bad boyfriend. I would probably tease him about it, and make a big show of cruising good looking guys, and maybe he'll get embarassed and cut it out on his own. Good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rose45 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 i know guys are gonna look and hes probably used to looking all he wants when i am not there but it makes me angry that he used to do it often when i was in the car with him..lets say it was a 30 minute car drive..he would probably do it like 10 times...and maybe some of the girls werent that great and some were..but still i felt like he could restrain himself. Now using the mirror makes me feel like he thinks im an idiot and haha i'm getting away with looking. So it kind of makes me more angry..maybe he doesnt notce he is doing it but he must because he knows he cant turn his head so he decided ok i will do it this way..i dont understand why he cant just glance with eyes only as they are passing and then let the person go. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 I think you just need to ask yourself what it is you are and are not willing to put up with. If you understand guys look sometimes and feel you can let it go, then do that. If its something you have a hard time dealing with and think you might spend most of your time questioning why he does it, you might be doing the relatinship more harm than good and it might be best to move on. It has to be your call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rose45 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 i dont think its something to break up over...but its something he should be able to understand and CONTROL, no? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 i dont think its something to break up over...but its something he should be able to understand and CONTROL, no? Have you talked with him about how it makes you feel? If so, what does he say? You could always say something to the effect of, you know guys look but you would appreciate if he did't do it infront of you because it bothered you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rose45 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 read my original post. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 NOW--it happens a lot less since i told him and i feel a lot more secure. Well, obviously not less enough for you. I'm assuming you want him to completely stop all together? Do you think now that he knows how you feel, he purposly does it to make you mad? There are people who do things like that, to make them feel better. Its wrong too. Either way, wheather he purposly does it, or not, he still does it and it stil bothers you. If you feel its not something you need to break up over and all other areas of the relationship with him are good, then try not to let it bother you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Visual cheater ! He will never change. If you like you can try a relationship counsilor, but they usually have little effect. You best bet is to treat him like any other cheater. Kick him to the curb and find someone new who actually deserves you. Someone who can oblitherate hundreds of thousands of years of instinct, specifically related to natural selection and suvival of the specis to pay homage to your obviously generous charm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rose45 Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 i think everyone looks and therefore is a visual cheater i guess you can say but when you are in the presence of your b/f or g/f you should control or restrain yourself especially when brought to their attention. I dont know if its worth breaking up over but it doesnt mean i cant say something when he does it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Men look and as a woman, I look too. I can guarantee you do too, whether you know it or not. You need to stop feeling insecure about this and laying your insecurity on your man. He's already reduced his rubber-necking for you. Stop trying to control him. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 dont know if its worth breaking up over but it doesnt mean i cant say something when he does it. The main question you need to ask yourself then is, do you want to KEEP saying something about it when he does it? I would think it would get old for you to feel the need to keep mentioning it to him and it might would get old for him to hear it over and over again. Of course, even though it might get old for you to say and him to hear, doesn't mean he will stop. I think its whatever you feel you can deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
new_stella Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Visual cheater ! He will never change. If you like you can try a relationship counsilor, but they usually have little effect. You best bet is to treat him like any other cheater. Kick him to the curb and find someone new who actually deserves you. Someone who can oblitherate hundreds of thousands of years of instinct, specifically related to natural selection and suvival of the specis to pay homage to your obviously generous charm. You had your own thread, started with the sole purpose of making fun of people who feel this way. Wasn’t that enough for you? Are you trying to help now or to (again) ridicule people with this problem? Cynicism, arrogance and your rationalisatins don’t help anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedSarah Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Everyone looks wether its a guy or girl looking at the opasit sex. Its natural to do. He should not make it obvious in front of you for sure as it is disrespect to you and if the other girls noticed your man stare at them for too long they may feel uncomfortable or creeped out. Also if your man is staring at these girls for too long then he could cause an accident or get into a accident. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rose45 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Share Posted June 10, 2007 he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong..he says he looks at everything and if it happens to be a girl he is doing something wrong then? He then says what girls should he eliminate, what girls can he look at? 50 year olds? then i wont get mad? All i said was--you know what you are doing and its disrespectful to use that as an excuse in order to look at girls..i dont think he is going to continue making it obvious but i just dont think he wants to admit he is somewhat wrong if i am there..he completely diasgrees with me. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 he doesnt think he is doing anything wrong..he says he looks at everything and if it happens to be a girl he is doing something wrong then? He then says what girls should he eliminate, what girls can he look at? 50 year olds? then i wont get mad? All i said was--you know what you are doing and its disrespectful to use that as an excuse in order to look at girls..i dont think he is going to continue making it obvious but i just dont think he wants to admit he is somewhat wrong if i am there..he completely diasgrees with me. A glance alright I could understand...I also think it is natural to glance at someone that you are attracted to...or should I say that is attractive. it really does not mean anything though. If thier eyes met and they are sharing a moment... then alright I would say that you should be concerned. I was wondering if you could use a different approach... if he does do this just let it go, do not show him that it bothers you at all. I was just wondering also how does he treat you otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Rose - I think it is natural to notice interesting or attractive people who pass into our line of vision, but we can all control staring or craning our necks to get a better look. It is also pretty easy to tell who is being gawked at, isn't it? I don't think it is too much to ask your boyfriend not to do that when he is with you. He is being far too glib with his response. You should try to be gentle and civil when you ask him to not stare, and explain to him how it makes you feel. Perhaps he will respond in a less sarcastic manner. Stella, I tried to put Lakeside Dream on ignore as I tired of him coming onto threads on this forum to insult people and expound his "theory" with sarcasm, but you have thwarted my ignore by quoting him! Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Rose - I think it is natural to notice interesting or attractive people who pass into our line of vision, but we can all control staring or craning our necks to get a better look. It is also pretty easy to tell who is being gawked at, isn't it? I don't think it is too much to ask your boyfriend not to do that when he is with you. He is being far too glib with his response. You should try to be gentle and civil when you ask him to not stare, and explain to him how it makes you feel. Perhaps he will respond in a less sarcastic manner. Stella, I tried to put Lakeside Dream on ignore as I tired of him coming onto threads on this forum to insult people and expound his "theory" with sarcasm, but you have thwarted my ignore by quoting him! Stella you sound like a control freak... TO OP.... men are going to look at other women and women are going to look at other men... you can't put blinders on him... Again I am curious to know how he treats you otherwise.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rose45 Posted June 10, 2007 Author Share Posted June 10, 2007 he treats me pretty well otherwise..doesnt stand me up, cancel..some things can be better but hey nothing is perfect. but this i just see as an issue, you know? i have let go the occassional glance after i told him the head turning bothered me..now using the mirror, i was thinking what the hell?!? he says even if he looks, it doesnt mean anything..i still tell him its rude to do it when in the car holding my hand. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Stella you sound like a control freak... TO OP.... men are going to look at other women and women are going to look at other men... you can't put blinders on him... Again I am curious to know how he treats you otherwise.. ugh I meant to say Sheba... not Stella lol Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 he treats me pretty well otherwise..doesnt stand me up, cancel..some things can be better but hey nothing is perfect. but this i just see as an issue, you know? i have let go the occassional glance after i told him the head turning bothered me..now using the mirror, i was thinking what the hell?!? he says even if he looks, it doesnt mean anything..i still tell him its rude to do it when in the car holding my hand. I had a friend who used to get upset when her boyfriend used to do this stuff... She would give him a hard time when he used to look... like even if someone crossed his path... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 I suppose the point is that everyone has neg's in their behavior. I am sure I do. I dated a very nice woman for awhile that had the annoying habit of cracking her gum (!) constantly. It put my nerves on edge. Like a fool I mentioned it, it didn't get better. It didn't make her a bad person, it was just annoying. There is really no difference. Certain behaviors bother certain people. Link to post Share on other sites
new_stella Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Stella, I tried to put Lakeside Dream on ignore as I tired of him coming onto threads on this forum to insult people and expound his "theory" with sarcasm, but you have thwarted my ignore by quoting him! Sorry! I just had to say something. I’ll shut up now... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 It is totally disrespectful of him. My last ex was like that, at the beginning... He just loved to look at beautiful women... he would turn his head...one time he completely stopped and turned to look at her from the back... what a moron!!! I was soo pissed... I told him that if he wouldn't stop I would leave him. I told him it was rude and completely disrespectful... He was possessive and I'm sure that if I would have done the same thing, he would have been pissed... I told him he could look all he wanted... even do somersaults in front of her if he wanted but as long as I WASN'T WITH HIM. It's a bad habit... it took a little while but he finally stopped completely when I was with him. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedButLoved Posted June 10, 2007 Share Posted June 10, 2007 Visual cheater ! He will never change. If you like you can try a relationship counsilor, but they usually have little effect. You best bet is to treat him like any other cheater. Kick him to the curb and find someone new who actually deserves you. Someone who can oblitherate hundreds of thousands of years of instinct, specifically related to natural selection and suvival of the specis to pay homage to your obviously generous charm. This gave me a good laugh!! I wonder if there are special "visual cheater" counseling sessions! Rose, I think it is just something you either need to put up with and forget about or decide you can't handle it. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with looking at the opposite sex. I check out men and women all the time, so does my hubby (well he checks out just women ). We even comment on how good someone looks to each other. No big deal, at the end of the day he chooses me to be the one to ride him to pleasure pasture. I do however believe there is a line between just looking and oogling and yes I would find it down right annoying If I am walking down the mall holding hands with my boyfriend/husband/SO as he stops and turns and begins to follow another women closely checking out her ASSets which doesn't seem to be the case here, but a 5-10 second glance shouldn't bother someone that much. I think it means something a bit deeper, like maybe you lack the security in you're own appearance or maybe you lack security in you're relationship. Perhaps deep down you doubt his loyalty to you? You can't put blinders on the guy and expect him to never notice another female. I kind of thought maybe him looking at his mirror was just a way the casual look at someone else withouth it offending you. Anyhow its up to you whether or not you will let this continue to bother you. I hope the best for you Link to post Share on other sites
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