New Member... with serious family problems.

[Wedged]

Hi there

 

I'm new - where do I start!!?

 

I'm 20, still living at home, the oldest of 5 siblings of a thoroughly dysfunctional, rotten-to-the-core family.

 

I'm in college, so I can only work part-time. I have other obligations too, which mean I can't really move out until I'm finished college. The 3 youngest are all under the age of 11 so I can't just up and leave them either.

Violence has escalated throughout the years, and although me and my oldest brother managed to escape, somewhat independent and strong of character... it is having a terrible effect on the youngest 3. All are increasingly withdrawn, bullied, reclusive.

 

I just don't know what to do.... I'm sick of the physical and verbal abuse.

 

The worst of it is... that nobody knows. My family are wealthy, middle-class, we live in a huge house, conviently isolated. From the outside, we have an enviable lifestyle.

 

I have great friends, really great friends.... but I don't want their pity. I don't think I've said that right, from my experience, people just get awkward. Nobody understands the severity of what you tell them. Theres also the fact that you've lied to them over and over again, to cover it up over the years - so its kinda hard for them to believe. And as much as you feel guilty about lying - you don't want them to know.

 

We all manage to function somehow, mundane life is interspersed almost seamlessy throughout the violence. Teeth-chipping/threatening/throw things out the top window - type violence.

 

(Lol - while I am typing, father has come in and mentioned a few choice words about mother in relation to some ongoing feud, volatile and dangerous being the main ones.... and then continued talking about a buying a fire-truck )

 

Mother: is unstable at best. We suspect bi-polar. She has large family though who only ever see the 'good side' and support her at every turn. That said, she runs house and minds kids (begrudgingly) and would be tough job without her. So we struggle on.

Favourite saying - ' ...I'll ram your teeth so far down your throat, you'll * them out tommorrow'' and ''If it wasnt for your b* father you wouldn't be so *insert variable here* ''

 

Father: self-employed, work-aholic, highly-stressed. Motivated, opinionated but narrow-minded. Sane at least. Not domesticated, could not handle 3 young kids and run buisness. So stuck with mother for fear of alternative. [unfortunately, during an unrelated incident provoked by mother, acquired criminal assault charges, so he is commonly painted as the one at fault. He is not without fault, but he is certainly not the instigator of most of our troubles. Has no family, so mother would win out if any legal action were taken (divorce/custody etc)]

Favourite saying - hmm, not many are repeatable. Most hurtful maybe -'you're a waster'

 

Theres scarcly a year between my oldest brother and I, we get on okay. He can sometimes be agressive though and is in the process of trying to move out. Is sort of stuck, like me.

 

I apologise if I seem to come across in a light-hearted way, it just doesn't do any good to get down about it (lol, been there, done that!) I've lived with it all my life.

 

It all seems like a pointless rant, but I need advice. I worked really hard at school and I'm getting where I want to go... all I've ever dreamed of is getting away.

But its all getting to me, I can't sleep, I have constant headaches, I've withdrawn from my friends, I don't go out anymore, I'm constantly tired. I can't do it.

 

My brother is the same, he is also in college, but will struggle to afford living and supporting himself - though he is less tied down than me.

 

I had resigned to the fact that that was just life up about a week ago... and then things escalated even furthur.

[Wedged]

Keyboard froze before I was finished..... lol, I think its quite long enough anyway.

 

Appreciate any help or advice.

 

Thanks -

 

Wedged.

[sb129]

Wow Wedged.

 

Sorry to hear about how difficult life is for you.

 

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions to clarify a few points?

 

Who does the violence come from? Who is it directed at?

 

How have things escalated? Can you pinpoint one main problem within your family, or is it too complex to do that?

 

Sorry for the questions, you don't have to answer them if you don't want.

[Wedged]

Well for a start there is no such thing as communication, so everything and everything disintegrates into roaring/screaming and then violence.

 

My entire family are violent, it starts with my mother, (directed at anyone and everyone on a whim) mostly because she is unstable. The problems are complex but she is a constant underlying source of tension. I know she is unhappy but none of us can see a way out.

 

One minute she is happy and doing normal things, the next minute - say, my 8 year old brother refuses to eat something he doesn't like, she might shove his face into the plate, throw plates across the roam, slap him, grab hold of him and shake him repeatedly, hold his face up right close to hers and shout at him with so much vicious intent that she is spitting. If father is around (rarely) he will intervene (of course) but usually has to resort to defensive violence, forcefully pushing her away etc Eventually she will redirect her anger at him and he will usually leave for an hour or so. Conflict 'resolved'. She will then usually apologise to child and blame all on father. They have seen marraige councilors before. Family doctor know of the rifts, but nowhere near the extent!! They just do not get on. I would LOVE it if they got divorced - really, it is that bad. They have separate rooms.

 

Conflicts for different reasons all the time, but similar patterns of violence. Predictable almost.

 

The younger kids constantly fight.

 

Mother physically attacks both me and my brother, up until last week I never fought back, but I couldn't take it anymore. Thats what I meant when I said it had escalated. We had a brawl on the floor! I was as much at fault as her but it was out of control at that point. Kicking and screaming. She bit me! I lost the fight (I'm very physically weak) she was holding a pillow to my face, I could breath (barely) but I couldn't fight anymore so I just went limp and she panicked. We've barely spoken since, but I am tip-toe-ing around. The intial cause of that row was infact a fight about brother not coming home after a night out, I stood up for him, in a non-offensive way but even that is enough to set her off. She is very much afraid that we will leave and never speak/see her again.

 

Father has temper and curses/shouts quite alot, but is rarely violent unless provoked, if he ever hits us it is usually during a prolonged period of fighting with Mother. Or in fear that we will annoy mother, his approach being that 'a clip on the ear' is far better then what mother do... He never 'beats' us like Mother does.

 

Me, Brother and Father agree that she needs psychiatric help, but her family will stand by her and Father has little ground to stand on.

[sb129]

I am at a loss as to what to say. I am not a professional counsellor or social worker and I have no experiences with this kind of thing to draw on.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

Can you go and see someone? I want to say social services but I am not sure if thats appropriate. Can you even report your own mother?

 

Your mum needs help. She will isolate herself from all of you if she continues to do this, and she obviously can't see that.

[Wedged]

I would worry about social services, she comes across as very normal. Manipulative.

Father can come across as very unreasonable, but his manner is 'honest' It is because he is under so much stress. He is agitated, and it comes across easily.

 

Mother can appear as cool and same and reasonable as the next person but behind closed doors...

 

I tryed video-taping her before (years ago)... to get some 'evidence' so to speak, but I had to hastily hide the camera while she was ranting from the other room and she found it. Boy did I ever regret that.

 

The only thing I regret is that I didn't do anything about it (like report her)when I was a minor. The younger kids would probably go along with her if social services questioned them. They are terrified and she constantly berates Father in front of them, blaming him for everything. She manipulates and scares them, tells them she will run out and leave them and they'll have to go into foster care etc etc

 

I just can't see a way out. Thankyou for listening though, it was a lot to read - its a least good to get it all out.

[nittygritty]

An investigation by Social Services might be what it takes to get your parents to start acting responsibly.

 

I am sorry that your family is having such difficult problems. It is very admirable of you and your oldest brother to take on the responsibility of your younger siblings but I think your going to have to report the abuse in order for it to stop. Call the police the next time things escalate.

[sb129]

Even if your mum can "act the part" when social services are called, they are duty bound to investigate, and they are trained to see thru people when they "act the part".

 

In the UK if the police are called to more than one episode of domestic violence at the same address in less than six months, the case is automatically referred to social services, and monitored.

 

I think nittygritty is right. this is an enormous burden for you to be faced with , but sonly something as drastic as getting the police or SS involved is going to make a difference at this stage.

[huh]

Also, can you & your older brother pool resources to move out together?

[curiousnycgirl]

Been there, done that - so I know what you are going through. My mother came from a very wealthy family, and to put it bluntly, married down. She has incredibly anger/rage as well as an entitlement mentality. Her brother continues to support her (and her husband) so that she lives a very affluent lifestyle - but she gets out of control if she can't have a new diamond ring.

 

I am a product of her first marriage - she had me when she was far too young to be a mother, and I became her punching bag. As a child I was usually black and blue - once she busted every blood vessel in my eye. So I really know what you are talking about.

 

Firstly - you CAN get out -it will be hard, but you are choosing not to. I walked out on my family when I was 19. They did not know if I was alive or dead - and certainly had no clue where I was.

 

I carried an 18 credit course load (full time is 12) - just to get out of school as quickly as I could - and worked 3 different jobs to survive. To say the least it was not fun.

 

I also have much younger siblings - my brother is 10 years younger than me, my sister 15 years. So to be there for them, I moved back to NYC (which is where my family is) after I was through with school - and began my life.

 

We are now 42, 31 and 27 and both of my siblings will tell you that I am what allowed them to grow up to be sane, independent adults - I was and am the one one they have always turned too for input/feedback. However for me to be able to do that - I had to leave (which is why I say this all to you now).

 

It took me many years to find a therapist who slowly helped me see that I am not the terrible, unattractive person my mother has always told me I was. And to begin to somehow tear away.

 

To this day I am probably still trying to gain her acceptance. I help pay their bills - and frequently end up having to write a big check to get them out of trouble. Of course this is ridiculous as they have really never given me a dime (my Uncle supported me through high school so her new husband wouldn't be burdened with a child from her previous marriage) - but I am still working on it.

 

I wish you luck, the only thing I can tell you is that you cannot change your parents, you can only change yourself - how you react to them, how much time you spend with them, etc.

 

Good luck

[Sheba]

I am so sorry for you and all of the other children. I see your father as your mother's accomplice - he should be protecting all of you from her. Pulling her off the kids does not count - he should have divorced her and raised you all by himself years ago.

 

Consider, Wedged, putting off schooling so that you can get out. You can go back to school in a year, or two. In the mean time, give yourself some peace by getting out. I am certain it will be worth it to you.

 

If you went to the authorities and told them how your mother treats the younger children, you would be believed. Wouldn't your brother also go? Even if he wouldn't, you should go and make the effort to be heard, for the sake of the younger children.