Ohhh so complex

[WarriorPoet]

Alright this might get long, complicated and such but I have also recently been told my life would make a great novel. If this is true, have the life of the main charecter in a best seller is pretty cruddy.

 

I'll try to include only what you need to know and "cut the fat".

 

In '04 I had a kidney trans. I had steady relationship with a very loving woman and her wonderful child at the time. I also had a liver disease. Keeping it short, docs thought the kidney trans. would not encourage the liver disease and they were wrong.

 

Shortly after the kidney trans. I got very ill from the liver disease. The disease didn't affect the liver function but it did cause severe infections in the liver. The woman I was dateing was there for me at all times, but there were things about her family that I did not like and she was not about to make the changes I needed her to make for me to want to marry her, and naturaly this is what she wanted. Rightfuly so, she was at my side through the kidney failure, the transplant, the recovery and months of me after I recovered from the trans. and became ill yet again. She also had some matureing do and didn't see how sick I actually was. After determining that I was not going to propose any time soon and seeing that I was not returning to health the way the doctors had promised, she left me

 

It realy hurt for a very long time, I didn't want to marry her at the time, but I wouldn't have been with her if I didn't think that eventually I would want to. I just thought I wanted some things about her and her son, to change before I would propose. I could deal with her nasty family if I had to, but she needed to do some things to help her son and mature a bit before I felt I would have been willing to commit to her FOREVER.

 

So, I spent about four or five months totaly alone, as far as romantic relationships went. I felt unattractive ( I was and had been sick for a long time and had lost my very muscular athletic build) and I was still sick with constant liver infections, my privately held Co. had begun to fail in my absence and I was losing savings very quickly. So I convinced myself I would not even try to date and that what I needed to do was spend at least a year as a single guy, after all I had just gotten out of two and half year relationship, and before that I had not been single for more than two months in over a decade.

 

I majored in writing so I joined a writing group to fill some time and began to enjoy life a bit more than I had been and realized that losing that woman was not so bad.

 

As soon as I did that I met a beatiful, kind, loveing woman with a great family. On top of all that she was actually atracted to me! She was older by four years, very mature, had a great job. She was perfect. BUT, I met her at my writing group cause she wanted to write a novel about her early twenties and how she had been a major heroine junkie almost died, and then got sent to prison for like five years.

 

Ok, everyone makes mistakes, she was almost ten years totally sober. Had obviously pulled her self back up, was young when it happend ect... Now, I am not an idiot, she was very open about her past and allowed me to ask any questions I wanted and answered them all very honestly. I know because I did a little investigateing myself, and asked a friend do the pokeing around I couldn't.

 

Before you know it this woman and I are really hitting it off and she begins telling me she loves me. WAIT HOLD ON I am breaking my promise to myself with this chik already, I am definately not going to fall in love with her. Natuaraly I was already falling in lover with her, I just never told her. A few months of us spending every spare, wakeing hour together and we decided it was silly to have her wasteing money on rent when I owened a condo and needed the financial help. The Condo was paid for but the extra money she could give twords expenses would help and she could save money too. By this time I had caved and told her I loved her too, btw.

 

Around easter of that year I went in to the hospital for what should have been a very simple proceedure. They, messed it up perforated my diafram and almost killed me. Had to do emergency surgery. No, joke. I started to recover and after I had been in the hospital for like two weeks recovering she comes in one day. She is very upset. She had taked all of my pain medication while I was in the hospital. I forgave her. She felt horrible about promised it would never happen again. Later, that summer in attempts to stop the infections they performed surgery on me. This only left me weakend and suseptible to the. I became more ill, and although I had always been honest with her about how sick I was and how seriuos my condition was, I don't think she ever realy wanted to accept it. Anyways, the sicker I got the more often large amounts of that pain medication would go missing. Then one day she didn't come home until very late at night and when she did went straight to bed, thought she had cheated on me. The next day I called her work and she had left early because she wasn't feeling well, but she didn't come home. When she did come home she was acting vary strange and saying she didn't feel well. That night she laid on the couch sweating and when she woke up she didn't recognize me! I went to call an ambulance and she screamed at me that I couldn't, that they would send her back to jail. Gradually I calmed her down, I had to write things down because she couldn't hear, but at least she knew who I was after a bit...and of course she had gone off and done heroine!! Ruined ten years of sobriety. Icing on the cake, the herion weekend her body so much some infection got to her made her very, very sick and I had to take her to E.R. the next day.

 

I felt so cheated. hear I had given this woman a chance, never fooled her about how sick I was and appatently she had lied to me about how sick she was, how much of an addict she was. Except I haven't mentioned yet that prison, yeah that whole thing. Gave her horibble mental trauma. She had terrible night TERRORS, like woke up screaming in tears, it hurt to watch, night terrors. And major anxiety about all sorts of things. Do you think she was prepared to deal with a guy like me? Nope, and I knew it. I thought about leaving her, probably would have been best for us both, but she knew me well and called me on it. Told me not to dare think that I was doing the right thing and that she deserved to be the one to say it was too much and when.

 

The summer was hard, especially after she took her parents van one night to get drugs and it got STOLEN, while her and I were supposed to be staying with her 10yr old brother (I was with him)! After that little stint her parents didn't talk to her for like five months. I that time she really did much, much better. I got my baby back, she became much better everything got lots lots better. That was july-late sept. in late sept. I was thinking one day and it dawned on me that in the in that week almost everyone I knew had commented on how wonderful she was, how she had never wavered in supporting me and basically begun to sing her praises. I had been forgetting to tell friends and family about her slip ups with sobriety, oops.

 

I decided it was time. We had both made billions of pillow promises about not leaveing eachother, me not dying, her not doing drugs again. I went out popped for the ring she had told me she wanted months ago when she had seen it and I had laughed and told her I would never spend that much on a setting, bought a diamond to match it had it set a couple days later because there was a wedding ring show the next day and I didn't want to go to on anymore ring shopping days. I proposed by having her come to the store, placing the finished ring in the display case, obviously she asked to try it on, cuase it was the same one she always wanted and only the second time she had ever avtually found it. they took it out of the case I asked her if she was sure she liked it, she said yes, I said good, its for you. She looked at me all puzzled, I took it out of her hand put it on her finger took a knee and asked her to marry me. Everyone in the store began to cry (there weren't anyother men in there at the time. We spent the until the end of november in total bliss. In November, I got really sick, and the doctor told me that this time the infection had become a resistant strain, the antibiotics would not work. They had to put me on antibiotics that were very very strong and potentialy toxic to my kidney transpanlt. They also decided I would need a liver transpant. They had tried everything they knew to cure me without the liver transplant but it couold no longer be avoided. Soon, anyday at that point I would develope an infection that would be imune to all the antibiotics they could give me and the infection progress and would kill me. This was bad, on the bright side, a new liver would definately cure me and three years of feeling like crud would be behind me. No, problem I had gone through about four-five majour abdominal surgeries already, I could deal with this.

 

The liver transplant doctor gave me a 10% chance of living through the surgery. If I did I would probably live a long happy life. However, three years of infection had left me and the area to operated on heavily mared by scar tissue, my anatomy was not normal, and at 6ft3in I weighed 115lbs. Big blow. It took me a few day to break the news to her but I did and she was devesitated, but dealt with it well for me. Luckinly we both have awsome family that had suppoted us the entire time(except when she got thierr van stolen.) I was very afraid. I had never, in my life been afraid of anything. Suddenly I was very, very afraid of this. If I didn't do it I would die and if I did do it, chances are, I would die. About two weeks later I went to see my liver doctor, he said I had a very good chance of making it through the surgery or they wouldn't do it. They didn't give good organs to people who would die in few hours or even years.

 

Three months later the phone rang. Few hours later I had a new liver, the operation went very well.

 

A few days later there was something not quite right. Then they figured it out. They had given me too small of an organ, then mail artery had blocked off and the liver was dying from oxegen deprevation. They rushed me back into surgery but it was no use the artery was permanently blocked. This ment they had less than a week to find me another liver or I would definately die from liver failure.

 

Six days went by and from what I hear they started to talk about what they should do WHEN not if I was dead. Okay no real drama here, I'm writing this after all. Tey found me one at the very last minute. My doctor had to fight for it because there were others that thought I would die in surgery and I was too sick for an operation but they did it and I lived through it. Two weeks went by touch and go, and I pulled through, went through all sorts of physical therapy and left the hospital with the woman who loved me and that I loved. O I forgot to tell you. While I was still in the hospital, but when I better and not delerious I got a call one night from my beloved. She had been buying pain killers off the street while I was in the hospital fighting for my life. She was trying to dull hers with drugs. She was calling because her mom was comeing to take her to rehab. At least she was going to rehab. The most difficult thing I ever did was take that ring off her finger, look her in the eyes and tell her she would get it back when and if I could trust her again, she had to get help and she had to seay sober then she would get teh ring back. I did this from my hospital bed.

 

The day before I got out of the hospital she got a call in my room. Her eyes got very wide and she said, o my god and never even knew him. Her biological father had passed away in florida from alchoholism. Also, an ailment from which she suffered. She would come home most nights and suck down anywhere from half to a whole bottle of wine and be in bed by 9pm. I was so sick I never realy saw it. I mean yes sometimes it bothered me, how much and how often she drank. She never got wasted or slured her speach or wobbled around the house or nothing. The only time she even seemed drunk was if she went out with friends, which was rarely and then she would get home and she was tosted.

 

Almost done, has it been all I promised?

 

She began faithfully going to AA. The inheritance gave the money to take some time off from work. She had lost her job anyway while I was in the hospital. She claimed because when I had the secound trans. she asked to for more time off and they just fired her.

Okay, we were happy again, I felt better than I ever had while I had been with her. She spent more and more time at AA and with people from AA. This hurt me a ton. All I wanted was to show the woman I was the new healthy, feeling fabulous me. All the woman I loved wanted was to be with "people that understood her disease". She claimed she needed to do this to get better. I would let my love do absolutely anything to get better. Even when she started to go out with just one guy in particular. Yes, I voiced concern, but she reashurred me that he was only a friend. From what she told me of him, I knew he wanted more. What did it matter she said I trusted herr right? Yes. She brought him over to meet me, so I souldn't feel so challenged. Made it worse. He squirmed and didn't talk to me. I saw it got mad snapped at her. He saw this and used it as ammo. I dunno how many times she told me how embaressed she was when he later asked her if that was how I always treated her. When left for vacation, and on vacation she told me she was leaving me.

 

BUT NOT FOR HIM.

 

She was leaving me because she needed to live on her own and know that she could get through life without someone holding her hand. She was a different person in her sobriety, a person she didn't realy know. And she needed the time to get to know that person. She felt she needed to do this alone. That if she was in a relationship she would never know if she could live by herself and could not focus on getting to know the sober her, and concentrate on staying sober. (I had given her ring back just before vacation. for variuos reasons). MY GOD

 

I went through all this and she was leaving NOW!!! After all we went though!!!. I couldn't argue with her. I had talked about this with other people including her parents. I never thought she had to move out of our house to do it. She wasn't leaving me. She was jsut moveing out and while she couldn't promise it, she was sure that some time would pass she would get what she felt she had to do done and be back at my side. What could I do? I couldn't stop her. Even if I had persuaded her not to do it, she claimed she may regret it i a few years and what could that lead to?

 

So within a week of getting back from vacation and shortly after getting this inheratence she had her own apt. I had taken the ring back again. A nightmare I never thought I would live through twice. We still saw eachother, we talked everyday. still told eachother we loved eachother still kissed. She spent more time with this other guy.

Eventualy I knew she was seeing him.

 

It was only like three weeks after she moved out.

 

All of this has left me completely mentally trashed. Through all those health problems I had my mind. Now, I cry all the time, I have massive anxiety attacks. The tears are over loseing her and what we had the anxiety is me thinking I am going to die. but I guess it too has more to do with her. that is what this shrink says, that I never had to see till now.

 

I know I can not go back to seeing her at the same time I don't wnat to toss her out of my life, not after all that we have gone through

 

the other day I got the following email from her:

 

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you. I feel very hurt lately...at my own actions. I miss you all the time, and I try really hard not to, ... I wasn't strong enough to deal with all we had going on. I hate it. I wish I could have been a stronger woman, and a better person. I can't even finish writing this, because it hurts so bad.

 

Its not word for word but you get the just

 

How do I protect myself and not push her completely away?

 

Was she justified at all in what she did?

 

I need some help from people not involved. My friends and family hate her after all the pain they have seen me dealing with.

[madgun68]

Doesn't really matter if what she did was justified or not. She felt it was something she had to do, and I really doubt you could have done anything to prevent it from happening.

 

As far as protecting yourself goes, do you honestly feel that having her, even in part, in your life still won't prevent you from coping with the loss and getting over it? That's really the question you need to ask yourself at this point. If it will emotionally burden you at all, you need to break off contact.. at least for now.

 

You just focus on you.. She's already made the decision to give up on what you both shared. That's what she's been doing all along.. running from her problems. Before, it was the drugs and alcohol.. Now she just runs away.

 

I feel for you. I really do. Like I said though, do what you feel you need to do to make things easiest on you. Don't consider her in your decision at all.. She made that choice for you.