Is there ever a good time to call?

[Ormolu611]

My ex broke things off with me a little over three months ago. For most of that time, she has been extremely busy as she was finishig her bachelor's degree, but now as of the middle of May, she is done and has much more time on her hands to experience and live with her decision to end our long term relationship.

 

I have been greiving the whole time, but maybe she has not had a chance to as much? Ayway, I saw her about 12 or so days ago when she stopped by to pick up some of her stuff (what she could carry at the time). To this day I still have some of her important things and have no idea when she plans to get them as she has not communicated anything to me. She threw me off because after loading up her car, she clearly wanted to linger for awhile and "catch up." She did not actually leave until 25 or so minutes later when I said I had to get going. She teared up a few times while she talked saying that meeting was difficult for her emotionally since we were together for so long (yet she wanted to linger). She hugged me tightly when she left but said nothing of missing me or anything like that. Back into no contact.

 

Fast forward to this past week. I ran into her with some of her friends at a bar and when she saw me, came up to me and hugged me and introduced me to the people she was sitting with. This meeting was wierd because I was really more aloof and she seemed to be having quite a good time without me. I was pretending to be aloof, maybe she was pretending to be having such a good time. She started laughing and carrying on primarily after I moved away from them.

 

Now I hear from a mutual acquaintance that she is confused regarding what she wants to be doing with her life and that she is hanging in bars late at night talking to strangers to keep herself occupied. Ick! I really wish that I had not found out about that last fact - talk about too much information! The thought of her doing that kills me and it seems so unlike her. It makes me worry for her. I know that this is not my job anymore but it is impossible to simply turn off my concern for her.

 

Now I just feel compelled to call her or just reach out to her in some way but I guess I have no real reason to do so and nothing really to say to her. Like I said, there has been no indication that she has even considered the possibility that she made a mistake in breaking our relationship off. It is her life to live now unless I am explicitly invited back in, right? I mean, does her lingering at my place likely mean anything or no? She is obviously lonely. I have many more friends than she does. I guess it kind of shocks me because from what it sounds like, as bad as I have had it, it appears that she may be having a rougher time or certainly as rough a time as me? It makes me very sad to think that her going through everything that she seems to be going through is still more preferable than being wth me. Am I really that bad to be with???? Jeez, I mean, what did I ever do to her that was so horrible?????? She claims she lost her identity in me . . . but I never asked her to stop being who she was in orer to be with me . . . this drives me crazy. I was soooo supportive of her . . . . anyway . . . that's another post.

 

If I broke down and called asking how she was or suggested meeting for coffee or taking a walk together, how might she view this? Would I be trashing over three months of no contact? I have done a VERY good job of no contact for over three months (and so has she unfortunately).

[hrtbroken99]

It sounds like finishing up school was her first priority after the breakup and now that she has some free time she is beginning to socialize and do other things.

 

I can relate to her situation, my ex who broke up with me almost 7 months ago did it in my last year of Graduate school. I was torn up inside but knew I could not sit there day and night crying over him. If I did that, then I would never have completed my thesis, gone to my internship, or even graduated! I knew I had to push the breakup aside and focus on graduating in May.

 

Don't get me wrong, I was VERY sad, I still did cry at night, constantly talk about it to friends, even went to a therapist! But I knew, that although I was very hurt and sad, I was not going to let this push me back from getting my degree. I was not going to let some guy who just kicks me out of his life out of no where mess up my educational and career goals.

 

I had many moments where I just wanted to call my ex up and see how he was doing...but I resisted and thought "why should I call up a guy who broke it off with me?" I forced to tell myself (and even do till this day) that "he doesnt want to be with you, if he did he would be in your life right now, or have made some effort to have contacted you by now to make things work" those words help me to continue the NO CONTACT.

 

It has been close to seven months. Havent spoke to the ex at all. He did cal me once in april left a msg saying hello and all but it wasnt to serious. I sent him an email and said I was doing good and mentioned how busy I was with school and all. Now, the ball is in his court, if he wants he can contact again. I have no reason to contact. Again, I tell myself, why contact someone who doesnt give a *&%^?

 

 

She may also been sad over the breakup but put it aside and focused on finishing up school. She could have also done some of the things I did (vet to friends, cry here and there) but continue and make school her priority.

I think you should stick to your NO CONTACT. I know it can be VERY hard at times and temptation occurs but it is your best bet.

 

And like you said, even if you do reach out to her, you feel like you have nothing to say to her? Then why reach out? I felt the same a few months ago, if I do call up the guy who broke up with ME, first of all I wouldnt know what to say and who knows how he would react? What if he were to get mad at me for calling or says something like "you need to get over it, it will never work" that would be so hurtful. I felt that it was better for me not to call because I was afraid of what he may say and because I did not think it was right for me to call someone who LEFT ME.

 

And if she has made NO indication of any possibiliity of hope of reconcilation then don't do it. It will just push you back and that will hurt more. I think you should stick to NC and focus on yourself for now. Your words remind me so much of how I feel, I also tried to (and still do at times) analyze what my ex may be going through and all.

 

Well, it is up to you, whatever you choose to do. You mentioned in your post, she ended it in your situation. In my story, me ex ended it and I woud NEVER call my ex and ask to meet for lunch or anything because he DUMPED me. He does not want me and I have to accept that as hurtful as it is. I am sure if I ever did call him and asked to meet for lunch he would probably think that I am not over him and who knows may not even meet me. Now if HE were to call me and ask for lunch, I view that differently, because he did the dumping. Anyway, best of luck with what you choose.

 

You have done a great job with NC and I would recommend you stick with that....if she wants YOU she will contact YOU....

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

No, there is no good time to call. Not in this case.

 

Don't create trouble where there is none.

[Ormolu611]

And if she has made NO indication of any possibiliity of hope of reconcilation then don't do it. It will just push you back and that will hurt more. I think you should stick to NC and focus on yourself for now.

 

You have done a great job with NC and I would recommend you stick with that....if she wants YOU she will contact YOU....

 

I think that this is the bottom line. It is funny because for a while earlier today, I felt pretty comfortable with the idea that I should not call her . . . i don't know what the hell happened since then. Even as I read your words hrtbroken, I now sit here feeling fairly miserable about not being able to contact her. I think that I have some fantasy that if I called her, her voice would light up and she would sound happy to hear from me, tell me she missed me, and that it has been so hard for her. Maybe, just maybe, she made a mistake. Pure delusion. I realize this.

 

I think my difficulty is just the fact that I am experiencing denial still after three months! I have not truly moved beyond that basic stage as much as I hate to admit it. Wow, she wants to replace me . . . just like that. Purge me from her life. Find someone "better." Think about that . . . someone who is better. Hmmmmm . . . . that just seems so shallow. She gave up on me and abandoned me when I would never ever have given up on her. That my friends, hurts like hell. I sometimes feel as though I will never get over this sense of utter abandonment. I have never been more heartbroken. She was my best friend and I still love her so much. How could I have been so wrong?

[hrtbroken99]

Dont beat yourself up for her actions...you are not wrong here...I also did that and even now when think of my situation do at times...

 

I know its really hard to maintain NC at first but eventually it does get easier. And yes, for me and for many I know, once your heart breaks you are set to ride a roller coaster that goes up and down

 

One day, I am fine and think..."Ok, I think I am finally getting over him"

while two hours later I could be crying, dadydreaming about him etc.

 

The ride of emotions goes up and down especially the first few months of NC

 

I am on month 6, and STILL riding this coaster

 

The past few wks I have been ok but about 3 wks ago, I broke down and started crying all over again as if it just happened a day ago.

 

I don't know how or when this ride will end but all I can do is focus on myself and taking care of myself as I go through these bumps of emotions.

 

Having a fantasy of contact is normal...I still have fantasies (especially dreams) of runninfg into my ex in life one day or having lunch with him, him calling me telling me he misses me regrets breaking up etc. That man betrayed and abandoned me and I will never forget that....he hurt me so bad and still till this day I love him and I think that has a lot with why I still have random "fantasies" about him

 

I would say that even after 6 months I have finally come to terms that just maybe it is actually OVER...although I have to admit I do fantasize that maybe we may reunite.

 

I dont know how to let go of those fantasies, if I figure it out I will post on loveshack!!

I was in denial for many months and sometimes think I still am.

 

I am sure my ex already has replaced me if not with someone serious at least some bed buddy for now. I also think about him finsding someone better than me..hmm..all I can say is good luck to that selfish *********!!!

 

continue with the NC, stay busy, surround yourself with family friends, post on loveshack---these are all things I was told when I first fell into all of this............

[LoveIsAnInsanity]

My God LSers I feel for everyone here. It’s nice to know I’m not the only going through this heart wrenching pain.

 

You have no idea how much I wanted to break my 2-month NC but knew I couldn’t because like hrtbroken99 said “why should I call a guy who has been ignoring me and acting like a complete jerk?” Why should I give him the satisfaction of calling him and all that? Sadly, I got so fed up with feeling so hurt that I did try calling him just a few days ago. His brother answered though and I was so relieved and got off the phone as quickly as possible and just couldn’t believe how God saved me from making a HUGE mistake because if my so called “man” answered I wouldn’t even know what to say or anything. As I got off the phone I realized that I had expectations like he was going to be happy I called and everything was going to be better and all that bs and I realized I couldn’t stand it if he hurt me even more; so if I were you, I would just stick to NC. I know its soooooo hard but I believe at the end of the day that is best thing to do.

 

The thing is if she needed and/or wanted you, she would be calling you etc. She dumped you and at the end of the day there is nothing that you could do to make it better again if she doesn’t want you. I just hate how they have so much power over our emotions. I know we have a right to feel this way but my God the suffering we go through. Does it ever end? I mean its worse how we are feeling now; imagine feeling the same way three years from now like some LSers have been. I feel so very bad that there is so much hurting in love.

 

Like what has been said, I would never ask an ex anywhere or do anything with them unless they initiate it. And sometimes even if they initiate it, would you really want to rush back to their side. I mean after all the hurt and pain, would you let them walk back in your life without any compensation? Please. I know I want my man back but if he ever comes crawling back to me I would make him pay for what he did to me. Even if he fights for me and does everything under the sun, I still would not take him back unless he proves his love for me by fulfilling every promise he ever made to me including marriage. If that happens, I might take him back. Might because I think I have a marriage phobia lol. If not well too bad for him. At least that’s how I feel right now. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow . The thing is who said once won’t turn into twice and like hell I’m going to feel like this again with the same person. Sh*t I forgot divorce:p. There’s my marriage phobia for you. There is too much pain to let go and forgive. I don’t know how people do that. Just get dragged around by the people who dumped them. Don’t be one of those people. Be strong. She should initiate it and if she really wanted to be with you, she would do anything to make you feel secure in the relationship again.

 

When you said you were still experiencing denial I was like OMG so am I and I just realized it a couple of hours ago. I still can’t believe this is happening to me. It’s like my heart refuses to believe it no matter what I tell it. I always feel this hope of getting back together. I hate it sooo much. It hurts like hell like you said. I also feel like I will never get over it especially since he is like family and I will probably be seeing him one day. It was long distance for us for a while. Sometimes I wish I could take the whole relationship back because we could have been the greatest friends. I mean this guy is like the other me. Aaaaagh. I feel you. I so feel how you are feeling. How all of you are feeling.

 

 

I also want to mention the roller coaster. When I read that, I was like my feeling exactly. This is what I hate most about this. The emotional roller coaster. So horrible. hrtbroken99 you said how I was feeling to a T . I also want to know how to get rid of the fantasies.

 

Stick with NC my friend. Us Love Shackers will be hear when you need us.

 

With Love,

 

Love Is An Insanity………………Curable By Marriage.

[hrtbroken99]

loveisinsanity---well said...

getting out of the denial stage is the hardest. I get my moments where I think I may actaully be over but it but NO it comes RIGHT BACK a few days or hours later. I know till this day, unfortunately I am still in denial.

hmmm looks like this is one long roller coaster ride! The feeling of hope always pops up and it drive me nuts:mad: The road to recovery is a hard process but one thing I have learned is that all of this (maintaining NC) has made me stronger!

[Ormolu611]

loveisinsanity---well said...

getting out of the denial stage is the hardest. I get my moments where I think I may actaully be over but it but NO it comes RIGHT BACK a few days or hours later. I know till this day, unfortunately I am still in denial.

hmmm looks like this is one long roller coaster ride! The feeling of hope always pops up and it drive me nuts:mad: The road to recovery is a hard process but one thing I have learned is that all of this (maintaining NC) has made me stronger!

 

Yes, the fact that after over three months have past and I have to admit that I am still in denial scares me a bit. It makes me wonder how long is this going to last? I have my moments too when I feel as though I am doing okay for the most part, but I always slide back because hope settles in. It is a really irrational thought process because I am not even sure as to what it would realistically look like if my ex decided to come back. She sure could'nt just drop in and start where we left off regardless of how much I miss her. She would definitely have to work to regain any sliver of trust from me again. Thanks guys for the advice.

[Ormolu611]

Stick with NC my friend. Us Love Shackers will be hear when you need us.

 

With Love,

 

Love Is An Insanity………………Curable By Marriage.

 

Thanks so much . . .