Newly separated and hurting

[TXButterfly]

Hi, this is my first post.

H and I are newly separated (his idea) for about 2 weeks now. We are still in the same house, just in different rooms. I am really wanting some advice from those of you who've been through this & SURVIVED the divorce, maybe even came out glowing on the other side. I want to get through this. I want to shorten my grieving time as much as possible since I would like to find someone new and still have time to have a family of my own, be in love, etc.

 

• married almost 8 years, been together almost 11

• we are both 32, first marriage, no kids

•*we own a business together, started it 2 yrs into the marriage (so been doing this 6 years now).

• little to no sex in the relationship for a long time, but neither of us has cheated. very little affection from him, he has intimacy issues. now he is saying he really wants a great sex life but thinks he can't have it with me, is attracted to other women INCLUDING one of the girls that works FOR me! So now I have to look at this chick every day knowing my husband is checking her out.

• he says he is crushed he feels this way, still "loves me but isn't in love with" me. He wants to keep working with me. He wants us to maintain a "great friendship" and have an amicable divorce where we hug each other at the end. I'm not sure I can still be his friend and somehow heal the hurt part of me that wanted us to be married.

•*we make good money in our business, i am really good at what i do and i enjoy it (or used to, now i don't know how i will feel about it). i hate to lose my marriage and my job all at once, how will i take care of myself financially?? what about the loss to my self-esteem b/c of the loss of career? i am also motivated to continue on with the business but not sure how well it can work. this past week it actually went ok, but some days are really hard.

• for a long time we've pretty much just been all about work anyway, but this still hurts like a MF*cker...gave him 11 yrs of my life. wanted to have a family with this guy. even though not a great relationship i thought i loved him. i gave up a lot, i settled, and here i am left with what feels like a lot of wasted time.

• went to one counseling session, he pretty much said he knew how he felt and didnt think we could improve the relationship enough for him. counseling over, decided to get divorced. sortof mutual but not really. kinda feel like he's talking me into it & i'm so dazed i don't know what is even happening.

• oh did i mention his little sister is getting married in a month? i'm supposed to be one of her bridesmaids. i want to kick his ass for doing this to me a month before her wedding. i am planning to still stand up for her and be there but it is going to be soooooo hard. why should i have to miss out on being there for her, though, when he's the one with the sh*tty timing?! still i think it is going to be very hard for me.

• I've never been super happy in the relationship, so I can see some silver lining in this...but that doesn't make the thought of going back to my maiden name, or taking off my ring, or moving and living alone, or saying "I'm divorced" if people ask, etc. ANY easier at all. Yes, he was not affectionate, yes he could be a real prick to me and my family at times, yes he let himself get 40 pounds overweight, yes he rarely kissed me, yes he had no hobbies or interests or friends and i was feeling restless, yes he never cared enough to talk about the relationship with me....wasn't there for me when i was stressed, the list goes on. But for some crazy f*cked up reason I still loved him, would have wanted to work on it, etc. We had built a life together.

• he says he is doing me a favor.

 

My plan so far:

• move out as soon as possible, need to not keep running into him at home. makes it hard to believe he really won't be in my life "that way" anymore.

• keep working, not make too many changes at once right now. get moved and situated at new place first. then consider the work part of it at the next stage. easier (somewhat) to deal with him at work since it is "business" and not AT HOME where our "life" was

• go to individual counseling

• ?????

• i am scared it could take me YEARS to get over this & I don't feel like I have years given my age. These are the last of the years I will be able to bear children.

 

Any advice is appreciated, regarding how to interact with him, how not to, any other suggestions on how to heal without making it take longer than it needs to.

[azianpride143]

Sometimes they say, you don't really appreciate what you have until it's gone. This may be your case. If you really love him. I would give it one last shot. Let him know how you feel and see where that would lead. Offer joint counselling. At least if it doesn't work out you can say you gave it a try.

 

I don't understand why women make such a big deal of their bio clock. Your only 32 and have no kids. You can easily find someone else. But first you need to work on seeing if you can save your marriage, then on yourself. Women tend to assume men can read their minds. I know I can't. Hang in there. There may be hope to salvage what's left of your marriage. Maybe all it takes is for you to show him you want this marriage and willing to do what it takes. Keep us posted.

[dgiirl]

TXB, wow, I could have written your exact story. There is HOPE tho. I'm 2 years past the dbomb and although my life isnt what I wanted, it's still fantastic! If you are like me, you probably feel rushed to find another guy and to start a family. And the more you think about your age and this time line you are putting yourself on, the more depressed and anxious you are getting. Truth is, you never know when you'll meet someone or if you'll ever have a family, so why worry about it? Focus on the now and have faith that things happen for a reason. It doesnt sound like your marriage was very healthy and I think it's better to get out now while you are still young than to bring kids into it. Atleast now you still have a LOT of options open to yourself. You are not tied down to one location or a bunch of responsibilities.

 

Hopefully you will experience what I was blessed to experience, youthfulness again. I feel SOOO much younger now than I did in my 20's. I'm having a LOT of fun, fun I should have had when I was in my 20's. No doubt, your life is about to change and it will take time to get adjusted, but try not to fight it and enjoy the experience. You need to get excited about how your new life will be! Make some goals, imagine what you want your happy single life to be and then make it happen. You might have to fake enthusiasm until you make it, but life truly is an exciting adventure and it can be as great as you decide to make it. Pay attention to your thoughts and focus only on the things that make you happy and are beneficial to your health. Worrying about being "divorced" does nothing beneficial to your health, so why do it?

 

Besides, there are a LOT of single 30+ year olds who have never married, LOTS of single 30+ year olds who are divorced. I personally think being single in my 30's is great!! People are so much more relaxed and confident in themselves and less uptight about labels. People could careless if I'm divorced. They care who *i* am. And those who ARE stuck on labels are not worth my time. They are obviously in a different stage in life than I and we have nothing in common. Stop judging yourself and give people more respect. You'll realize that a lot of people out there are a lot less judgmental than you are of yourself. Be proud of yourself and show the world what "divorced" really means!

[TXButterfly]

thanks for the kind responses.

 

azianpride - i did tell him what you describe and he has made up his mind. I agree people have to speak up and say how they feel. I think we both took each other for granted & I told him I was sorry for that and willing to work on it, etc. I told him I did not agree with the decision to divorce, that I thought we had a lot there to work with. He agrees a lot there, but doesn't think it is enough. No sexual chemistry, just great friends. It's weird, but on one hand I agree with him on this & have started imagining "hey...what would it be like to be with someone I *did* have that with" wow that is actually kindof exciting. But I never would let myself think that before all this came up in our marriage.... Told myself to be happy with what I have, this is part of marriage (less spark), it takes work, etc. Only we never could get ourselves to work on it.

 

So. He's decided this is what he thinks is right for both of us...it isn't like I have much of a choice now is it?? One minute I am devastated by that, and the next my brain takes over and says "yeah things really weren't that great, so this is a second chance"...

 

I think when I move out and not see him every day at home I will be able to accept the reality of being alone, not be as emotionally confused/tortured & start seeing the vision of the future a bit more. Even if it is through a giant box of kleenex.

 

dgiirl - i appreciate your words SOOO much. going to print them out and read them often. funny, until you said "Stop judging yourself and give people more respect." I never really thought of it that way...I mean sure, I AM really hard on myself by nature but I never thought I was disrespecting others...but you're right. I am not even giving them a chance to be who THEY are, to let them rise up to the challenge of a "label" and be mature, understanding adults in response to it. Thank you for that insight. I didn't realize I was judging THEM. interesting point of view, my eyes are opened.

 

yes i feel hugely rushed with the bio clock now that i am 32 prob bc most of the women in my family had all their kids by that age, i am the late bloomer. But yes, why worry about it...I know I will have to work on that one!! And I sure don't want to go through this again, I know I'd rather go slow and not make the same mistake (pick wrong guy, invest lot of time, end up with no family).

 

thanks again to both of you...i know i will need to determine how much interaction to have with XH. Right now, lots of emotions ranging all the way from "i'll die without you" to "get out of my face you a$$" to "this could be the nicest thing you've ever done for me, hope we can be friends someday". aarrggghhh!!! i feel like i must be going crazy to change perspectives so many times in one day! i hate it. one day i feel like going shopping for a new place to live and new decor. the next day i feel like laying in bed sobbing all day and clutching a teddy bear he gave me. BLECH!!!! this just sucks. but it sure is nice to have a place to get it all out.

 

i hope you are both doing ok with your own journeys

[sumdude]

 

...Right now, lots of emotions ranging all the way from "i'll die without you" to "get out of my face you a$$" to "this could be the nicest thing you've ever done for me, hope we can be friends someday". aarrggghhh!!! i feel like i must be going crazy to change perspectives so many times in one day! i hate it. one day i feel like going shopping for a new place to live and new decor. the next day i feel like laying in bed sobbing all day and clutching a teddy bear he gave me. BLECH!!!! this just sucks. but it sure is nice to have a place to get it all out.

 

 

I feel where you're coming from. They're called the stages of grief ... there's no particular order and you bounce between them, hold on the roller coaster ride gets a little hairy but levels off eventually.

 

- Disbelief "I can't believe this is happening."

- Bargaining "If I just ____ I can make it work, I'll do almost anything."

- Anger "That $@%$ deserves to rot in hell!"

- Depression "What if I never find anyone else? ... my life is a wreck .. #$%* this sucks!"

- Acceptance "OK, nothing I can do about this ... better make the best of it."

 

I'm 4 1/2 months into separation and divorce is right around the corner. Dealing with paperwork now... Most days I feel pretty good, but there are bad ones every once in a while. Every time I have to see her it sets me back. We are generally freindly and trying to be amicable but the emotions still pop up. You'll get through it all. Time to take care of YOU!

[Trialbyfire]

Firstly, if he wants to split, don't you move. Get him to move. Keep in mind that if you haven't filed your legal separation papers, he's still entitled to share any income that you make. The negotiating of the legal separation agreement should hammer home to him how serious this is. You don't have kids so you don't need to be friends with him. He doesn't deserve to keep your friendship if you don't feel you're capable of being friends with him, especially if you still love him. It's your time now.

 

You and I are the same age and I don't feel old at all. While I do want children sometime in my life, it won't be with someone I settle with. If I find no one, maybe I'll propogate by myself.

 

Btw, don't believe people when they tell you there aren't a lot of single men in their thirties. There's plenty out there.

[ilmw]

Btw, don't believe people when they tell you there aren't a lot of single men in their thirties. There's plenty out there.

 

Hello.. I believe I was being paged.....:laugh:

 

Sorry... in all seriousness.. You are in the early stages of this.. Of course you are going to be confused.. but you have come to a great place for some clarity and guidance...

 

You will find comfort in the knowledge.. that you are not alone.. and you can find mentors on here.. TBF for one.., also Dgirrl.... who has been there and done it.. and are on the other side.. and are in a better place..

 

What makes you different... like TBF.. and Dgirrl, and many others on LS.. you cared enough about this.. to look into what is going on... finding LS... is a baby step in that direction.. and another baby step towards recovery..

 

Welcome..

 

Post lots...

 

ilmw

[Trialbyfire]

Hello.. I believe I was being paged.....:laugh:

 

Sorry... in all seriousness.. You are in the early stages of this.. Of course you are going to be confused.. but you have come to a great place for some clarity and guidance...

 

You will find comfort in the knowledge.. that you are not alone.. and you can find mentors on here.. TBF for one.., also Dgirrl.... who has been there and done it.. and are on the other side.. and are in a better place..

 

What makes you different... like TBF.. and Dgirrl, and many others on LS.. you cared enough about this.. to look into what is going on... finding LS... is a baby step in that direction.. and another baby step towards recovery..

 

Welcome..

 

Post lots...

 

ilmw

Hahaha...see TXB, they're everywhere. You will find and learn to enjoy that sense of freedom.

 

ilmw is one of our great guys on LS.

[Gunny376]

First off if I'm reading your "handle" right your from Texas ~ and if that's the case ~ then you need to "Tex-Up" and be like the women that I know from Texas are. The first thing you need to learn to do is how to say "Hell Yea!" and "Hell No!"

 

Let me get this right? You're the co-owner of this business that employes this little gal that the DH has eyes for?

 

"Sorry honey ~ your azz is out of gas, and your not only out of a job ~ but your azz is out of here! See Ya! Hate to be Ya!"

 

Then I'd tell Mr. Sunshine that's got all the answers to all the questions, and all the solutions to the problems ~ "You want out? Alrighty then! But its going to cost ya, and your azz is going to have to pay through either the nose or the azz ~ which will it be? Visa or Mastercard?

[Gunny376]

ilmw is one of our great guys on LS.

 

I guess that just makes me a prophet?

[Trialbyfire]

Another fine example of our LS men. Gunny, our take charge, Semper Fi marine.

[Trialbyfire]

I guess that just makes me a prophet?

I wrote my response before I saw this. You Sir, are one of my LS heros.

[Gunny376]

I wrote my response before I saw this. You Sir, are one of my LS heros.

 

The prophet "thing" came from Hurricane Andrew Relief, I picked up a platoon of Army Solidiers in the effort. I was trying in a briefing to explian the differences between the Marines and the Army.

 

"A Gunnery Sergeant is like a god in the Marine Corps! ( Which he or she is when it comes to the Marine Corps) To which one of my whelps of a Corproal spoke up and said "What does that make me? A prophet?

[Trialbyfire]

The prophet "thing" came from Hurricane Andrew Relief, I picked up a platoon of Army Solidiers in the effort. I was trying in a briefing to explian the differences between the Marines and the Army.

 

"A Gunnery Sergeant is like a god in the Marine Corps! ( Which he or she is when it comes to the Marine Corps) To which one of my whelps of a Corproal spoke up and said "What does that make me? A prophet?

Hahaha...did you tell him/her to drop and give you fifty?

[quiet1one1]

Not sure it matters to you TXB but I'd bet he's cheated already and maybe with the girl you mention.

 

Open your eyes and take a close look.

 

Good luck.

[ilmw]

Hahaha...see TXB, they're everywhere. You will find and learn to enjoy that sense of freedom.

 

ilmw is one of our great guys on LS.

 

... why thank ya Tbf...

 

To Gunny:

 

You are not a prophet... you are a Guru..

[Reckless]

I'm sure there's a reason but why are you moving out? why isn't Mr I want my freedom packin?

 

I met my present Mr Wonderful well into my 30's there are PLENTY of single men (and women ) around late 30's 40's. Many of whom have their heads screwed on, are divorced and more important than knowing what they don't want, know themselves and know what they do want. Don't worry about that or your clock. Game far from over!

 

Good luck,

R

[Missy27]

I think you need to play this guy all the way to the bank and back. Dont you dare let him start calling all the shots. He wants divorce, you give it to him but for geeez sake make sure you have one big ole' nasty sting saved up in your tail ~~~ especially for his disposal

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he's already got someone else. Its unusual for a man to be so definitive about wanting a divorce unless there's a 3rd party involved. I'm not 100% about this yet, but I think its something you need to consider

 

At this moment in time, you need to jump straight into the drivers seat on this one. Take control of the situaion and pull that deck back into your hand. You have a chance to swing all of this back into your favour, you just need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start thinkig rationally, logically and collectively about how your gonna play it

 

I'm not sure if reconcilliation is an option yet, I dont know enough about your story. But either way, like Gunny said - I think you DO need to "tex-up" ~~ ALOT. You need to show this guy what kind of woman he's gonna be leaving behind. It doesn't matter whether you cry yourself to sleep every night, but in front of him you need to be strong, calm, cool and collected. Be firm but not aggressive, stake your claim and weigh up your options ~~ set yourself your own boundaries and STICK to them ~~ figure out what you want from this and go for it.

 

Personally, if it was me, I'd be straight on the phone to my attornery, finding out what my options were and where I stand with business side of things. I'd even go so far as to serve him with the divorce papers. Call his bluff a little bit, and see which way he goes. At the end of the day, you've got NOTHING to lose by taking this approach. If he doesn't want to reconcile then at least you will have done your research and at least be able to walk ~~ No Strut out of this with your head held high and your dignity 100% in tact

 

At the end of the day honey, if he wants divorce, then there's not alot you can do to change his mind. Begging, crying and pleading is just gonna drive him further away. Its ok to feel gutted inside and you've got one hell of a learning curve about to hit you straight between the eyes, but Belive me you WILL come out of this a better and stronger person for it ~~~ WHATEVER the outcome is

[jmargel]

My opinion? He just wants to bang this chick and when the novelty wears off he'll be coming back to you. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and he is trying to find the guilt-free way of hooking up with this chick.

 

Stop rolling over and piddling. Make his life HARD. You need to feel the anger inside of you and express it to HIM. Now is the time to show him how PISSED off you are and you are not going to be tossed around like this. Stop TOLERATING his behavior. He is making all the decisions here. It's time that you start doing this.

[TXButterfly]

Ok so it sounds like he's already cheating, I agree on many levels but he swears up and down he has never *touched* anyone else during our marriage. I actually believe him.

 

I think he definitely would have if we stayed together, that is what he is telling me...and why he knows it's over. I VERY much doubt he has flinged with the girl in the office. She's only been with us less than a month, moved here for the job, seems to have a very clear head on her shoulders AND...she has a serious boyfriend who is moving here to be with her...he is interviewing and looking for a job himself. When we told everyone in the office of our decision to divorce, one of her concerns was if her job is stable or should her BF not move here. I think she's just a cute girl he had eyeballs for. I truly believe she is clueless. He also told me he has been looking at other women for a long time, not just her. It just so happens she's here every day and is cute so he's been tempted.

 

I know lots of people "look" and don't touch. And people have different opinions of if that is ok or not when you are married. Personally, he and I have always felt the same about that - it's less about right and wrong, and more about just being satisfied/happy. If you're looking then you're probably not satisfied, it isn't a good sign. We've BOTH been looking...like I said, little sexual relationship for a long time...hasn't been working for either of us...I just think I had been able to somehow rationalize it (his medicine lowers his drive, we've been married a long time, we work too much, blah blah blah)...never did I expect this to happen. He says that her coming into the office the last few weeks opened his eyes to just how unhappy he has been. (ya, your eyes were open all right). she seems to admire him, and look up to him, he says...he wants someone younger and more naive. whatever go get em tiger (he is pretty controlling so i guess i'm wiser to his bs & trying to control is not so fun with me)

 

Besides, he would have had a difficult time cheating - we spent ALL our time together - drove back and forth to work together each day, work in the same office, spent all weekend together. Would've been pretty crafty if he worked that out I think...he'd have special powers almost. Anyway, that's the story pretty much.

 

That said, it does concern me from a legal perspective...I feel really clueless about it all. I have an appointment on Wed with an atty, one recommended to me from a relative who went through a very ugly divorce. STBXH says he really wants this to be "the easiest divorce ever known" and suggested mediators. My atty said he could meet with us both and help draft up an agreement, then counsel me individually & he would have to get his own counsel to review the agmt. STBXH is offering to pay a lot of bills for me, things he got us into (expensive car), help me find place to live, negotiate lease, move....he knows I have been very dependent on him during our marriage, was never on my own before we married, etc. and that is freaking me out so he is offering to be there for me, wants to remain close friends, etc. Says this is the hardest thing he's ever done in his life but he knows we aren't right for each other.

 

Breaking up with his best friend. Knows I am scared of being on my own (though have always kindof wanted that experience for myself).

 

That's pretty much it I think...oh yeah, except I think I AM in love with him and now I have to go start all over again. And learn to take care of myself. And work with him still b/c if I just leave then I abandon the investment I've made. I think my biggest challenge is just going to be growing up. I'm 32 but I feel like I am 22 - the last 10 yrs were spent together and I didn't grow up during that time. Then I have this 32 yr old self that built a business and was a wife to him, built a home, did grown up things. So my two halves aren't put together. I'm not a fully formed person. So the divorce is sh*tty enough on its own...I feel rejected (even though I wasn't super happy either)...but now I have to also grow up overnight.

 

I know its time, but it still is absolutely terrifying.

I really doubt there is a chance to reconcile - one in a million maybe. I know we aren't compatible but it HURTS so bad. I'm losing my husband, my best friend, my snuggle partner...so many dreams I'd placed on his image & now all of that is gone. I'd pretty much accepted what my future was going to look like (minus adultery which he says would have happened). Now I have no idea. It's scary. And really, really sad. I am sad b/c I have no idea if we'll really be able to be friends again one day. For now we are just working together and being cordial, acting as normal as possible. But it's business. Outside the office it is harder. OK I'm done rambling.

 

Thanks for reading this far - even if no one is reading it is good to 'talk' about it and get it out.

[Trialbyfire]

Please keep posting TxB. We're reading and want to help.

 

Why are you moving?

[TXButterfly]

After reading these posts i decided to do a little snooping.

 

I had dinner plans this evening and when I left the office STBXH and "cute girl" were still there. I thought "I wonder if he will try something, if he will try to take her to dinner" and sure enough he did. He KNOWS I am not approving of them spending private time together without my supervision.

 

I looked through his wallet and found a receipt for dinner that was $70.00. I knew as soon as I saw it he had taken her to dinner. I woke him up at 11:30 and basically tore his head off. Just finished tearing him up at 3:30am. Lost my voice I was yelling so loud. He said he was going to tell me - in fact, he told HER before dinner not to tell me, that HE would. WTF??? Why did he need to say that to her?? Laying the groundwork, making up a story, maybe hoped I wouldn't find out??

 

I saw it was a sushi place which she loves & he is *suddenly* into sushi for the last week. WTF??? So I knew. He paid for it with our PERSONAL credit card so it was clearly not a business dinner...and so therefore I paid for 1/2 of their dinner. He says she was showing him pics of her boyfriend, talking of him, etc. so again I think she is clueless. But he is an even BIGGER idiot than I could have ever dreamed him to be. All he did was give me ammo right?? Now I know what he is all about. He didn't ASK me if I was ok with them having dinner just the TWO of them, he knew I'd say HE!! NO. He did it anyway. And I paid for part of it. What an idiot he is.

 

I told him HE is moving out now, not me. I thought I wanted to move out, but now I see there is NO WAY that I should have to go through that total pain in the a$$ when he is the one f*cking up all over the place. He can't even control himself. He has to ask this girl on a 'date' and she has no idea he's into her...I yelled at him some more & he said he told her not to tell me, that I might be upset...that he would tell me. And she said something to the effect that she didn't want to lie to me. He said she seemed a little uncomfortable then. So he reassured her it was no big deal, they went out, talked about her BF, sushi, her school etc. and they left. It was benign...only now she prob thinks I'm upset with HER when really I want to ring HIS neck.

 

If she says something to me about it, I will just blow it off I guess. What else can I say?? I'm VERY confident this is his issue not hers. He's just spinning out of control, addicted and can't help himself.

 

We were supposed to go to meet with an attorney together and try to be peaceful and simple about this. Now I don't trust him at all. I'm going to the attorney alone (which is what atty recommended, so now I get it, duh).

 

I told "Mr. Sushi" that he is NEVER to be alone in a room with her EVER again, I don't care what work project they are talking about. I don't care how insignificant it is. NEVER to have alone time with her outside the office. I must always be there. Should I say something to HER?????? I just cannot believe he would do this. He knows I do not feel comfortable with the two of them together alone & he goes and does this anyway. I am FLOORED.

 

WTF do I do now?????? This is my livelihood we are talking about. So I lose my "husband", my "friend". Goodbye good riddance. I'll get over it someday b/c he obviously did not deserve me. But what about our business, my work, my money? What do I do?!

 

I am just absolutely freaking out. I don't know how I can go to work tomorrow.

[jmargel]

You can't control what he does with her when you aren't there, that's the beauty of a good marriage, you just trust each other and follow through with that trust.

 

He wasn't out to spend $70 on her to talk about her bf. He was lining up the moon and the stars to try to have sex with her. He wanted to see what her reaction to all of this was. If he got a positive reaction he would have moved onto the next step. I believe it was her that stopped it from going any further.

 

Good chance he's been cheating on you before, it's just now you are not so nieve to all of it. You have a good heart and often people with a good heart give people the benefit of the doubt. His lying, deceiful communication and cheating has destroyed your foundation of marriage. You really need to go through with this and make him face the consequences.

 

You attorney will help you figure out the financial terms of everything, if you want to keep the business, my suggestion would be to find another business partner, someone you can trust.

[quiet1one1]

yes, find a good attorney and let them handle the details of the business and D.

 

what to do about the girl tho? maybe she shouldn't work there or at minimum, she needs to understand the dynamics and see that she stays clear of everything (him!). IF she's really the innocent party you think she is, that is.

 

keep in control, you are in the driver's seat. i just want to point out that he didn't do anything wrong, per se. he took a friend to dinner is all.

 

good luck.

[Topper]

It is very difficult to be married and to run a bussiness together. I would say it is one of the hardest things couple could do. Somewhere along the line the two of you became more about business and less about being a couple. Both of you have to own that. Both of you need to take your own share of the responsibility for not staying in touch with each other as husband and wife.

yes your husband is acting like a jerk. He needs to fully understand what it will mean to be separated and divorced.

I would suggest that the two of you find a marriage councilor that you feel can work with you. It may not save your marriage but it could ease the pain and help both of you to move on. my guess is that ,with the right councilor with in a few sessions he will see that he is making a really terrible mistake.

He is going to have to buy you out of the bussiness or you could buy him out. I would also take this young lady out to lunch and explain whats going on. She sounds slightly naive. Suggest to her if she quites you will make sure she get a good compensation package to help in finding a new job.