Newly separated and hurting

[Trialbyfire]

Your husband has already setup the stage. He's discussed dissolution of the marriage with you and now feels free to partake in whatever he chooses. The man you put your dreams into is gone and the person who's left in his place is neither your friend, lover or even your enemy, unless you make him so. While you have no children, you do have a joint business, which is a consideration. Either buy him out or get him to buy you out. If you want, you can force him to sell the business if he can't afford to buy you out.

 

Consider this a business deal. It's time to file a legal separation agreement so the two of you can divide up your finances. Affairs can be expensive. You don't want him continuing to drain resources by his actions. Protect yourself.

 

Once again, why are you the one moving out of your home? If it's one you own, don't be the one construed as abandoning your home and marriage. BE CAREFUL. TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY.

[azianpride143]

thanks for the kind responses.

 

azianpride - i did tell him what you describe and he has made up his mind. I agree people have to speak up and say how they feel. I think we both took each other for granted & I told him I was sorry for that and willing to work on it, etc. I told him I did not agree with the decision to divorce, that I thought we had a lot there to work with. He agrees a lot there, but doesn't think it is enough. No sexual chemistry, just great friends. It's weird, but on one hand I agree with him on this & have started imagining "hey...what would it be like to be with someone I *did* have that with" wow that is actually kindof exciting. But I never would let myself think that before all this came up in our marriage.... Told myself to be happy with what I have, this is part of marriage (less spark), it takes work, etc. Only we never could get ourselves to work on it.

 

So. He's decided this is what he thinks is right for both of us...it isn't like I have much of a choice now is it?? One minute I am devastated by that, and the next my brain takes over and says "yeah things really weren't that great, so this is a second chance"...

 

I think when I move out and not see him every day at home I will be able to accept the reality of being alone, not be as emotionally confused/tortured & start seeing the vision of the future a bit more. Even if it is through a giant box of kleenex.

 

 

At least you gave it one last shot. This will make moving on so much easier. Well your rollercoaster ride has started and the gammut of feelings will be overwhelming in the beginning. It will get better as you get over the grief, sadness, depression, anger, resentment, and everything else that comes with this newfound reality. As you end your ride, you will notice that the overwhelming emotions starts fading. Your future gets brighter and you become a lot better everyday. You need to channel all the negativity to something more worthwhile. Take good care of yourself. Sometimes faith gives us a little nudge to help us get out of our current path to help us go on to the next. This book is almost finished. The final chapter is being written. Isn't it exciting to start on the next?

 

BTW there are plenty of single mid 30s men out there (well I will be soon hint...). All the while I thought it was hard to find single mid 30s women. =)

[TXButterfly]

yep, i think he gets it now...he says he really didn't know he was doing anything wrong when he did it (asked her out basically)...now he is apologizing, promising me he can be trusted that i just set the boundaries i am comfortable with and he will follow them...i said he has to earn back my trust brick by brick...and i said i will make my list of demands for how we will interact with each other, what is and isn't ok, etc....and if you don't agree to it then we won't work together anymore. i said this can be as ugly as you make it.

 

told him NO MORE time alone with her, not even a short meeting in the office. i am to be present at all times. this is pretty much to keep a leash on him (cuz he is so obviously out of control), but also to prevent the possibility of a sexual harrassment issue. our corp atty recommends changing the company handbook in case either of us choose to date employees in the future...to prevent them suing the company.

 

tomorrow is my appt with the atty, hopefully it will go well.

thanks to all for the words of encouragement & honest advice!

[Reckless]

I told him HE is moving out now, not me.

 

Yay.. you're getting there. If he was so "concerned with you finding your feet then that's the first step in putting his money where his mouth is.

 

As for Shushi-girl, while I can understand your point as an employer, if your marriage is effectively over then you would as of that moment have not "right" to dictate who he does or does not see outside of work. His responce and your demands (as a wife not as director of your firm) confused me as to where you guys are...

 

" said he has to earn back my trust brick by brick...and i said i will make my list of demands for how we will " Are you guys thinking of working things out or ending the marriage? This sounds like working things out language... (or were you talking on a purely professional basis?)

 

Anyway work/home/business you are about to walk a MINE FIELD and my gut is saying your husband is wanting the nicest sweetest cleanest divorce ever known to mankind is because he doesn't believe you can play hardball.

 

Prove him wrong.

 

R.

 

PS. I'm really sorry but I'm just not buying the $70 dinner to look at pictures of her boyfriend thing (hope I'm wrong)...

[Thackery]

Topper wrote:

 

"It is very difficult to be married and to run a bussiness together. I would say it is one of the hardest things couple could do. Somewhere along the line the two of you became more about business and less about being a couple. Both of you have to own that. Both of you need to take your own share of the responsibility for not staying in touch with each other as husband and wife. "

 

I would tend to agree with this 100%. Thought that we could do it and now we are getting divorced. Going to try to continue to work together, but will be challenging. Funny thing the STBX said, "the thing that drove us apart (business) is the thing that will keep us in touch". Very ironic, but truthful.

 

It sounds like your business is successful, and if you can stay as partners, that is great. I am not sure I can, but am willing to give it a go. Obviously you will need to set some major parameters, as you have begun to do. . . I wish you all the best!!

[azianpride143]

Reckless has a valid point. You don't have any control over him. But only on yourself and what happens in your life. I admire the "growing balls" bit but are you getting back together or splitting. Your post was kinda confusing.

[TXButterfly]

my demands to him were with regard to us continuing to work together. aside from the personal/marital line i feel he stepped across by taking another woman to dinner alone, without telling me (the woman he'd admitted an attraction to)...i feel he stepped over a professional line, too. he told her not to tell me - he encouraged my employee to be dishonest with me.

 

our corporate atty is drawing up a shareholder's agreement to outline how certain issues will be handled now that we are "splitting up" (more on the quotes there in a sec)...I demanded that the agreement contain a clause completely forbidding either of us to date employees of the company. (it has to be stated for both sides for legal reasons) of course we'll have to define what 'date' means. I said if he won't sign it then I want out of the business. I won't sit there and look at this girl every day, invest my energy and knowledge into her - always pissed b/c he's flirting with her, or seeing them leave the offc together and going out. He's agreed to sign it - he's agreed to my demand of not spending ANY time alone in a room with her, that I must be there at all times, period. Truth is, *I* am her manager so why should they need private meetings? They don't. Any HR stuff should include me. Any project details he's giving her should include me so I am fully aware of new to-do's. he's agreed to all of my demands.

 

and i have decided i want to move, don't want to live here in the house all alone. atty has counseled me and thinks this is ok as long as we have a signed agreement, etc..blah blah blah...

 

And, as of last night, H says he wants to slow things down. He doesn't want to rush to the courthouse. He doesn't want to make a mistake. Thinks we've made a mistake moving so fast. So we agreed now to just be separated for a couple of months & then revisit the decision. Get some space first.

 

I am NOW scared that (and people are telling me this seems like a possibility which is freaking me out) later on, he will decide he wants to work on the marriage & that I will probably decide I do not (once I get away from it, etc). So then *I* will have to say goodbye to him, the man I have shared 11 years with...and have the guilt? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to hurt me. I just wanted to marry someone I loved, have a family, work hard at something I enjoy, and be happy...I see now that we really weren't very happy. But that doesn't mean I don't care about him. I'm actually worried about him and where he is going in life. He didn't have a good male role model, he is very shut off emotionally. I fear for him if we break up and then he realizes he loves me - what if he flips out or kills himself? I don't know why I'm so worried about that but I am. He's never threatened it or anything but I'm scared he's going to be so lonely and lost when he sees it that he might hurt himself. He really has a lot of issues, I am starting to see that now.

 

he just seems really really lost, and he's trying to find himself. I just hope he finds the best part of himself, not go the other direction. I know you are all going to tell me I can't worry about that & take care of me (thanks in advance for that;) but I still care about him...

 

is it bad to just be separated a couple of months? we are already going to separate our money/assets and put our house on the market, and live apart. but just be separated and file later.

 

or at least that's what he's saying today

 

THANKS for all your feedback!

[dgiirl]

And, as of last night, H says he wants to slow things down. He doesn't want to rush to the courthouse. He doesn't want to make a mistake. Thinks we've made a mistake moving so fast. So we agreed now to just be separated for a couple of months & then revisit the decision. Get some space first.

 

Dont you find it interesting that the moment you start to take action and show him you wont be pushed over, he claims things are going too fast and he is starting to have doubts? He wants to have his cake and eat it and you are ok with that? Listen, there are two parts to the divorce, the legal side and the emotional side. Once you sign the dotted line, your emotional side wont automatically be up to par with the legal side. Dont fear the legal parts of the divorce, but use them to your advantage. Worse case scenario, you two get a legal divorce. There is nothing stopping you two from reconciling and remarrying. I wish I had the emotional strength to do it in my own divorce, but I think you are making some leeway on playing hardball. Dont give up now.

[Trialbyfire]

Dont you find it interesting that the moment you start to take action and show him you wont be pushed over, he claims things are going too fast and he is starting to have doubts? He wants to have his cake and eat it and you are ok with that? Listen, there are two parts to the divorce, the legal side and the emotional side. Once you sign the dotted line, your emotional side wont automatically be up to par with the legal side. Dont fear the legal parts of the divorce, but use them to your advantage. Worse case scenario, you two get a legal divorce. There is nothing stopping you two from reconciling and remarrying. I wish I had the emotional strength to do it in my own divorce, but I think you are making some leeway on playing hardball. Dont give up now.

Hardball is a gamble. As many have said, the one with less invested in a relationship always has more control.

 

Get those legal separation papers signed STAT. You want to ensure that you have everything tied up in a pretty bundle in case he chooses to gorge on cake.

[jmargel]

It makes me laugh that people think a seperation is perhaps some way of fixing their marriage or a way to determine if they should continue their marriage or not.

 

Most of times a marriage gets into trouble is because of bad communication or lack of it. So you are basically looking at making this communication worse in trying to determine if you should still be married to him?

 

Why not try the OPPOSITE route and goto marriage counseling and give it everything you got. Improve your communication and learn to understand each other better. I can guarantee you this is a much more effective and better solution.

[azianpride143]

The time away from each other will be the "true test". Marriage is not a game. It's a commitment. It's not like buying clothes and when it gets worn you simply by another. I learned this the hard way in mine. You just have to make a decision at some point and stick with it.

 

I looked at my so called "good marriage", our assets, our kids, almost 15 years of being together. I realized I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this person. I already know how it was like. The fog has been lifted and I have been in denial all these years. Somehow through the years I lost my true self. I chose to ignore my own happiness and gave it all to this commitment. Hoping that someday this person will give us much to this marriage as I did. Unfortunately it took me this long and an affair to wake me up from my fairy tale. But I did and have taken back control of my life. I am in a better place and I like the new me.

 

The time alone has given me a chance to reflect and work on myself for a change.

[TXButterfly]

My atty says there is no "legal separation" in TX so we just draft up this agreement and both sign it and that handles all the assets, liab, etc. this is my very basic understanding

 

I don't THINK I am being naive about the separation...b/c I truly don't think it is going to work out. But I've spent 11 yrs with this person and I do still have love for him in my heart so why not just take a break for a couple months rather than running to the courthouse? I don't think we'll make it 2 months, I think one of us (maybe me) will want to file before then. There is something inside of ME that says I can't believe he wants to separate from me - how could he do that to US - and just him putting me through this the last month makes me want out. Like azianpride, I think the sep may provide me time to think, and start getting in touch with who I am. It's prob a brief transition time (move, etc) before we file once and for all.

 

Today I am feeling like azianpride describes...like I've been in denial all along and am now starting to see him differently. I wish I weren't though, it makes me SAD to lose the person I thought he was. Even his family has said things to me over the last month that indicate his deeper rooted baggage or issues that I "knew" but didn't really see the same way until now.... My family is telling me I deserve better. Which actually hurts b/c I still see the good in him too.

[sumdude]

I don't THINK I am being naive about the separation...b/c I truly don't think it is going to work out.

 

If you don't think it will work out ... then it sure won't. If you change your mindset, perhaps it could. That's up to you ....