So my best female friend likes me

[StartFresh]

So turns out last night I find out my pretty much closest female friend likes/wants me. We talk a lot, we hang out all the time, text back and forth, etc. We interact a lot and I can safely say she is my closest female friend. I liked her a while back, but didn't think feelings were mutual, and pretty much delegated her to friend status. Plus, we have been friends for going on 10 years now and I like her friendship a lot. Also, which is a big caveat, she is one of my closest guy friends' ex-girlfriend. Their relationship was short lived, lasted maybe 6 - 12 months pre-college, tops, and that was it. We are all just getting out of college now so that was ~4 years ago.

 

I found this out last night because, oddly enough, I slept with this other girl who is friends with her. We did our thing and this girl says "We shouldn't tell anyone about this for now." I asked why and she told me "Well, I've been hearing a lot about you the past couple weeks..." and I was like "What do you mean?" and she replies more or less that my friend "wants" me and that she just didn't want to make things awkward between her and her friend (aka my good female friend). Understandable, so I complied. I don't want to make things awkward either.

 

So thats the situation. Kinda highschool-ish, I know, but it is what it is. I immediately regretted knowing once I was told. I do like her, she's great, but we've been friends for a long time and it would kill me to ruin that and I'm terrified of doing that. Also, she is my good guy friends ex-girlfriend. Although it was a while ago and short lived, I think it would still cause awkwardness between everyone involved, especially because we all hang out together.

 

I guess I'm not looking for advice per se (although its definately welcomed) but more venting about my current situation. If anyone was in a similiar situation either getting together with a good friend or getting together with a good friend's ex then I wouldn't mind hearing your experiences, but all the signs in my head point towards "bad idea-land."

 

The politics that go into human interaction are astounding.

 

-SF

[Tony T]

Ultimately, you're going to have to have a talk with your lady friend and get all this out in the open...of course, don't mention you had sex with her friend. Sort out all the feelings and explore things a bit. Excellent relationships are very hard to find. If you can find a mate who can be your friend for life, you have found a great thing. Otherwise, you can count on your friendship with this gal going south in a minute once she finds a guy to seriously date...and once she's married you will seldom hear from her. When she has kids, you won't hear from her again at all. She'll be way too busy for somebody who's far down the totem pole of social need.

 

So, frankly, if you truly value the friendship, you want her in your life for a very long time and you are attracted to her sexually...you ought to go for it. Otherwise, get everything out in the open and come up with some strategies to deal with it. Falling for friends, no matter which way it is, is always a real bxtch. There's no good way out.

 

You were quite correct in noting that the politics that go into human interaction are astounding...an understatement perhaps.

 

P.S. If you ever marry this gal, please don't have the gal you screwed in the wedding. Not cool!

[Yamaha]

Ultimately, you're going to have to have a talk with your lady friend and get all this out in the open...of course, don't mention you had sex with her friend. Sort out all the feelings and explore things a bit. Excellent relationships are very hard to find. If you can find a mate who can be your friend for life, you have found a great thing. Otherwise, you can count on your friendship with this gal going south in a minute once she finds a guy to seriously date...and once she's married you will seldom hear from her. When she has kids, you won't hear from her again at all. She'll be way too busy for somebody who's far down the totem pole of social need.

 

So, frankly, if you truly value the friendship, you want her in your life for a very long time and you are attracted to her sexually...you ought to go for it. Otherwise, get everything out in the open and come up with some strategies to deal with it. Falling for friends, no matter which way it is, is always a real bxtch. There's no good way out.

 

You were quite correct in noting that the politics that go into human interaction are astounding...an understatement perhaps.

 

P.S. If you ever marry this gal, please don't have the gal you screwed in the wedding. Not cool!

 

Totally agree!!!!!!

[norajane]

Well, don't pass up a good thing because you're afraid.

 

Everything I read in your post is fear: because she's the ex of a friend (ancient history!), because of awkwardness, because you don't want to ruin the friendship.

 

Dude, the person you end up with should be your best friend. If you're attracted to her and she's attracted to you and you're best friends, wtf? That's as good as it gets and is something people spend their whole lives looking for!!

 

You and your friends are going to graduate, and all go your separate ways, and all find jobs and start getting your lives together. You will eventually drift apart with all these people you hang with now, maybe holding on to one or two friendships.

 

Don't lose her out of fear.

[Star Gazer]

Dude, the person you end up with should be your best friend. If you're attracted to her and she's attracted to you and you're best friends, wtf? That's as good as it gets and is something people spend their whole lives looking for!!

 

 

Agreed 100%!!! :bunny:

 

I say go for it, full throttle.

[monkey00]

I've never had the first hand experience of pursuing a female friend that was my bud's ex. However I've been in the situation w/o the female as a friend, and I have to say first hand, I make it a rule not to go after my bud's exes. But there are exceptions, if i really liked the girl I would check with my bud to see where he's at (if he's completely over her) and whether it would be problematic if i began seeing her.

 

what they had was ancient history, if you and guy friend are really close i doubt there would be any problems - especially if he has been dating other women within these 4 years.

 

But regardless there will always be risks worth considering -

If things dont work out, you could lose a great friend (and your circle of friends wont be as tight because you or her could be the missing link)

If things work out, you have nothing to worry about and your circle of friends will probably remain the same.

If you ignore it and leave it the way it is, things will probably change either way when she decides to move on and pursue another guy. Which in any case you'll just become acquantances and grow distant.

 

If I had strong feelings for a female friend, I would likely pursue it (or at least give it a shot) and if things dont work out the way we planned. I hope for the best we can remain friends again.

[StartFresh]

All valid points, but its still a difficult decision. If I should persue, I would think I should tell my friend about it first, no? I mean I wouldn't want him thinking I did something behind his back.

 

Also, if I do give it a shot, how the hell am I supposed to bring it up? Its not like I can say "So, I was banging so-and-so when she told me you liked me." I kinda feel like a jerk already, but how was I to know?

[norajane]

All valid points, but its still a difficult decision. If I should persue, I would think I should tell my friend about it first, no? I mean I wouldn't want him thinking I did something behind his back.

 

Also, if I do give it a shot, how the hell am I supposed to bring it up? Its not like I can say "So, I was banging so-and-so when she told me you liked me." I kinda feel like a jerk already, but how was I to know?

 

Has no one heard of flirting anymore? You don't have to SAY anything - you don't KNOW exactly how she feels anyway. You just heard it second-hand.

 

FLIRT with her!! Smile into her eyes and linger a little too long, compliment her, brief touches when you are together. When you see her, tell her she looks pretty. Hug her goodbye, maybe hugging a beat longer than usual. And then, one day when you're both laughing about something, catch her eye and then lean in for a kiss. And when you pull back and she smiles, kiss her again.

 

AND NO, you don't tell your friend first. You tell him after that first kiss with her that you had a first kiss with her. And that she's your best friend and you plan to kiss her again. He's your friend - he does not OWN her forever just because they dated when they were 17.

[huh]

A lot of good advice. Spend some time together just the 2 of you & see how it goes. Your concerns are valid, but you could be losing out on a great relationship because of them. It's good that you're loyal to your friend, but he may not have an issue with you going out with her. First, you need to establish is there is something between you & her. If there is, then talk to your friend about it.