Saw It Coming....

[mighty bop]

Well, my girlfriend of almost 2 months says she is not ready for a relationship right now. I saw something like this coming. The past couple of weeks have been really stressful because it's like she didn't know what she wanted. Well about 10 minutes ago on messenger she tells me she is not ready for a relationship.

 

She says she still hasn't gotten over her last relationship (which was bad) and she jumped into this one too soon. I can understand that, but why did she even get involved in this one? The problem is, I kinda fell for her, and I think it might hurt. Not too bad because I was kinda preparing for it. Either I was gonna break it up or she was. I doubt she will be that affected by it considering how many relationships she has been in.

 

So tonight I am going over to see her so we can talk all about it.

The thing is, I think she may want to continue being friends or something. I don't know if I can do this. Should I try? When she is ready for a relationship, if she wants to try again with me, what should I do? If this hurts any more than it does now, I don't think I can handle it. I don't just wanna be a "guy friend" for awhile since I like her so much...

 

The thing is, we work in the same building, so we have to kinda see each other every day (not really though). But anyways, I don't think she is breaking up with me to see someone else (although it's possible, but not likely), but because of the baggage rom her last relationship and the fact she is going to school and working full time. It's really hard for both of us actually.

 

So what should I do?? If it really hurts to break up with her, I don't think I can take it again. And I'm not sure about the friends thing. It's like I'm thinking of telling her you have one chance with me and that's it. But that wouldn't be right, would it? And to top it off, Valentine's Day is coming up. Of course I was gonna get her something, but now what??? What do you all think?

[Tony T]

Why do you want to make this such a formal deal? She told you she doesn't want a relationship...so just leave it at that. If you want her fires of passion to flare for you, the only way that will happen is if you are cool. There is no need to talk...nothing to talk about. She's given you the drill...and that's that.

 

Be her friend, but be somewhat at a distance. If she is being truthful with you about needing time to get over her last relationship, when she is ready for something new you will know it. Meanwhile, just carry on and don't let her know you are so bothered by this. Be understanding, be cool and just be yourself.

 

Nothing will turn her off more than if you make such a big deal and seem so hurt. But if you appear to be fully supportive, understanding and especially if you have many other things to do, it will drive her out of her mind.

 

You ought to cancel your meeting with her. Just call her and tell her you fully understand where she's coming from and you want her to be happy. Make the call brief, letting her know you've got some people you have to meet...or whatever.

 

I personally think her deal about getting over a past relationship is a crock of crap. She's been seeing you for two months now and all of a sudden she comes up with this? I think you've probably been a bit smothering in her eyes. If you really like her, back off big time and watch the change in her attitude.

[mighty bop]

OK well I just met her. Yes we broke up She was crying and I was not. I was actually smiling and everything but on the inside I was hurting. I am gonna go over there after work again so we can talk. Yes she wants to be friends just like I guessed but I really don't know if I can do that as much as I like her. I think I would only be hurting myself in the end. We met and talked and then went to her apartment. Just being in there with all the memories of what's happened there in the past was hard. I don't know if I can just be friends with her. I asked her "So later on down the road you're not gonna see if we can get back together again?" and she says "No that would be wrong..."

 

I'm not sure what to think about this. How can she still be friends with me if she still likes me?? This is really weird and I'm not sure if I should do it. I'm tempted to ask her "Let me ask you, is there any chance of us getting back together?" Should I ask her this?

 

Has anyone been in the same situation as me? I would really like to hear from you.

 

Tony, I know what you mean by just playing it cool and everything but damn I really like this girl and I think it would be really hard to do. Although maybe this is some kind of test????

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Tony, I know what you mean by just playing it cool and everything but damn I really like this girl and I think it would be really hard to do. Although maybe this is some kind of test????"

 

How much you like this girl is immaterial. It's obvious you're going to have to learn some things on your own. If you don't have the self-control to be cool, follow your own gut feelings. But, trust me, if you think you can direct the course of love you are very wrong. Nobody has the power to do that.

 

Knock yourself out, dude!!!

[mighty bop]

You know what I'm thinking now? She is testing me to see if I want her only for sex. Her last boyfriend used her for sex and didn't realize it until the end. So now she is just giving me the test. Jesus why didn't I see this before?? Haha, this will be no sweat.............

[mighty bop]

Or am I in denial?? This is so confusing!!!!!!!!

[Tony T]

You are analyzing this way way too much. Just back off and get a life. Let the dust settle. She told you she didn't want a relationship...respect her wishes and leave it alone.

 

Let time pass and see what happens.

[mighty bop]

Yeah you're right I am analyzing this too much but for crying out loud I can't help it!! I guess all I can really do is back off, play it cool and be her friend. Then yes, time will pass and we will see what happens. But I'll tell you this much....I don't think I can do it for very long!!!

[Tony T]

When you get good at being cool, you'll get more love than you know what to do with. If you think you can force things to happen, you're living on the wrong planet.

[mighty bop]

Oh I'm definitely not one for trying to force things to happen. Like I said I will play it cool and see how long I can last....pray for me.....I'm going in............

[mighty bop]

So I went over there to hang out and talk or whatever. But all she was doing when I got there was watching tv. I guess I kinda was hoping tha she would tell me that she changed her mind or whatever, but no. It was really uncomfortable so I had to leave. The funny thing is she was acting like nothing was wrong at all. I don't get it. She was crying earlier and now she is fine. Well, she has been through a number of breakups so she's probably used to it, although she was the one who never initiated the breakup. And she never remained friends with her ex. But she wants to be friends with me. Like I said before, I'm gonna try, but if it constantly feels like it did last night, I won't do it.

[clia]

I think you should forget about being friends, at least for the short term. Give yourself a few months to move on and get over this first.

 

Don't you think seeing her as friends is going to make it even harder for you to get over it?

 

Don't you think when you see her as friends you are going to constantly be hoping she'll change her mind and come back to you?

 

Don't you think when you see her as friends you are going to constantly be thinking about winning her back?

 

Etc...

 

Doesn't work. It just doesn't. The only way to remain friends with an ex is if it is a 100% mutual break up (so neither party wants the other one back) and enough time has gone by that both parties have gone on with their lives.

 

Date other girls! This was only a two month relationship. Just think, three months ago you were doing completely different things. Get yourself back to that mindset!

 

Good luck!

[mighty bop]

Clia, I think you're right. I will be thinking all those things. I guess you can say it it's a mutual breakup since I don't want her if she doesn't want me. I'll pretty much be over it in a couple days, so it's no big deal. And I'd actually like to hang out with her and do friends stuff like playing tennis, etc.

 

I would like to date other girls but as it is right now, my schedule is pretty full. And by the way 3 months ago I was in another relationship! Doh! Oh well........

[Sketchy]

Sorry for your situation. I think you should just let her be. If you are there to be her friend and such... she will continue to keep you as a friend (not a bad thing if you want her as a friend) If you cut her off then she'll have time to miss you.

 

Right now you are being too available to her... she is calling the shots and pretty much knows that she's got you tied around her finger.

 

As her friend... are you willing to listen to her stories about a new relationship??? If not, then you're not being a "true" friend. If you do enjoy hanging around her and things... let some time pass otherwise she is going to take advantage of you. If you show her you can live your life without her... it will get her thinking.

 

This is just my opinion... take it or leave it.

 

But from your picture, you are attractive and from your writings you seem like a really sweet guy... let a girl who deserves you have you... don't sell yourself short.

[mighty bop]

Thanks for the comments and compliments Sketchy. I think you made some good points.

 

Not bragging or anything here, but from what she has told me about her last relationships, it seems like I was the best boyfriend she has had. I guess she just isn't ready for a relationship right now. That's why she want's to be friends with me. This is my guess. Or she is testing me like I said before.

 

I guess I could listen to her tell about her new relationships. But she said she would not be in a relationship in a long time. I guess we'll see. Never done it before, but I am willing to try.

 

I think I will let some time pass. How long do you think?

 

I know what you mean about not selling myself short and I kinda think I did with her. It's just that I haven't been with too many girls and when I met her, I really liked her so I guess I thought "I'll just settle for her...." I know I could definitely do better though. Anyways, I'll let you know how this "friends" thing works.

[clia]

She is not testing you. Trust me. She is either not ready for a relationship (as she said), she likes guys who treat her like crap, or she doesn't like you as much as you like her and is using the "friends" thing as an excuse. From your perspective, all options suck.

 

Personally, I've never used the "not ready for a relationship" excuse unless I was silently thinking "with you."

 

How much time to give her? Give her as long as her last relationship was. That's a decent idea of how long it takes to get over a relationship, at least IMO.

 

But don't let the grass grow under your feet! Don't wait. Just drift away, don't contact her, and let her do her thing. Then, if in X months you still feel the same way, shoot her an e-mail or give her a call. But DO NOT pin your hopes on this. Anything can happen in X months...

 

And don't settle! Ever! You will regret it! If you think you can do better, chances are, you probably can...

[mighty bop]

How do you know she's not testing me? It's possible, isn't it? Anyways, not contacting her for at least 2 months is gonna be practically impossible, since we work together. Plus I already said I would try being friends with her.

 

I'm definitely NOT gonna call her, and I'll probably make myself unavailable to her and not return her phone calls for awhile, telling her I've been busy.

 

That's about all I can do......

[clia]

If she's under 20, yes, it's possible she's testing you, because that's how immature girls do things.

 

But I seriously doubt it.

 

You asked above if you are in denial?

 

Yes, you are.

 

[mighty bop]

No we are both 27. What about the theory that she really likes me and wants a relationship with me and wants to make sure that we can be friends first? I keep getting the impression she thinks I only like her for sex....

 

Ahhh I don't know like Tony said I am just trying to analyze this too much. I just need to chill.........

[clia]

Chill!

 

Have you been groping her incessantly?

 

Have you been Octupus Man?

 

Have you been pressuring her for sex?

 

Have you been ignoring her as a person and simply sleeping with her to get your fix?

 

If not, then she does not think you are using her for sex.

 

It's always good to be friends as well as lovers. That's a given in any relationship.l

 

Personally, I think she isn't ready for a relationship or isn't ready for a relationship with you. Probably the latter. (Sorry.) At 27, she knows what's up. I mean, I'm 28, and I don't use that excuse lightly!

[mighty bop]

This is what I think it is:

 

She is still not over her last relationship, which was bad. She still has baggage she hasn't dealt with. (She has told me this) She thought it would just go away while being with me but apparently it hasn't. So it's like she was dealing with two relationships at the same time. She's just not ready for a relationship period. Not with just me. ANYONE. But she still wants to be friends with me. Why not?

 

Combine all this with the fact that we both go to school AND work full time (at the same place too), which just adds more time that we don't have time to spend together (and annoy each other with IM's at work).

 

It all comes down to we're just friends now. As to whether or not we will get back together, I don't know.

 

Then again I could just be way off on all this because she is not telling me the whole truth........Oh well what can I do but be her friend, right?

[Sketchy]

I'd say however long it takes before you are not uncomfortable being around her. It sounds like she is being a little cold... by acting like nothing happened.

 

I've been able to remain friends with the majority of my ex's... but that's because it was really over for me. Don't be her friend with the hopes of getting back together... because if the time comes where you realize it really is over it will feel like you just broke up again.

 

Evaluate what qualities your friends have that make them your friends... See if she measures up to that standard... if not, then don't bother being the nice guy. I mean you can be cordial and keep her as an acquaintance but if only if she's not a real friend... what you'd expect of your other friends.

[mighty bop]

I know what you mean Sketchy. It's like she wants to immediately be friends with me. I need a little time to get over her. At least a couple weeks. She apparently can deal with breakups a lot easier than me since she's been in more relationships than I have.

 

I guess I have it in my head that she will change her mind or realize that she gave up a good thing, and when she does, she will come running back to me. This is only wishful thinking though.

 

And I do think she is a good friend. Hopefully everything will be good after a couple weeks....

[Sketchy]

First off let me say this. As a girl who has broken up with plenty of guys... the easy way out is:

 

"Look I really like, I don't want to hurt you, it's not you it's me. I'm not ready for a relationship but I care a lot about you and I still want to be friends"

 

I'm not saying that it's not true, it very well can be! I'm glad you consider her a good friend (but as you said ealier, I'd let HER make contact with you)

 

She very well may realize that she lost a good thing. It can happen. I had a guy break up with me after living together for 2 years... and 8 years later came back confessing his undying love for me. I had no interest even though we were super compatible, never fought and had a fantastic relationship. He blew it! Fool me once - shame on you. Fool me twice - shame on me.

 

Let her be the one to make contact with you... she's the one that WANTS to be your friend so let her be the one to initiate the friendship. I told a guy once that I "still wanted to be friends" and he said, ok well I won't be calling you. Guess what??? I've never called him. As mean as it is... I said it to break the fall.

 

I hope she is sincere in that she wants to be friends... but give yourself some time and space... It's really hard to get over someone that you're constantly seeing...

 

I wish you the best of luck, I think there is a lucky girl out there waiting to meet someone like you.

[mighty bop]

Thanks Sketchy for your thoughts. But guess what? She said she has never broken up with someone before. It was always the guy that broke up with her. I was the one who broke up with my girlfriend before her and she was like "How did you do it?" I should have taken that as a hint.

 

So get this....Today I got on Messenger just to say hi to her or whatever. This is how it basically went:

 

Her: Hi.

Me: Hi (name). How are you?

Her: Good. I had a dream about you last night.

Me: Oh really? Do tell.

Her: It was purely physical. I think you were referred to as Adonis.

Me: Who?

Her: Adonis. Look it up.

Me: Oh yeah. The Greek God or something.

Her: Yeah. You were walking around naked.

Me: Hmmmm did we have fun?

Her: Yah I think so.

Me: Cool.

(phone rings so I am gone for 5 minutes)

Her: You there?

Her: I guess I'll just leave you alone.

Me: Sorry. Phone call.

Her: Who was it???

Me: Jop op.

Her: What job?

Me: Something about fitness or something.

Her: You want another job?

Me: Blah blah blah (about our jobs)

Her: So tell me about this fitness job.

Me: Don't know too much, the girl didn't say. There might be sales involved so I don't know about that.

Her: Girl???

Me: Yeah. A female. A girl.

Her: (yes this is a mad face she put)

Me: What?

Her: nm. whatever

Me:Yeah and so today I went and applied at another job where I used to work. Hopefully I'll get that job.

Her: I don't want you to get another job.

Me: Why not? More $$$!!!!

Her:

Me: Everything will be otay.

(time passes)

Me: Ok well I'm gonna go eat my dinner now. I'll talk to you tomorrow?

Her: Okay

 

So what is all this about?? I don't get it. Does she miss me or what? Does she realize she made a mistake? I think it's either this or she's just playing with my feelings. What do you think?