Psychotherapeutic porn?

[kittensmittens]

Not sure where I should post this...sorry if this is the wrong spot!

 

I just recently posted about the problems I am having w/ my bf, especially lying about his porn use (which he doesn't know I know about yet). The minute I start thinking in black and white terms of right and wrong (he lied so he has to go!), I start to think that maybe I'm being too rigid. Maybe there's more going on here.

 

More likely than not, he just wants to look at a bunch a boobies. But I'm wondering if guys ever look at porn for reasons that extend beyond just basic sexual satisfaction. I noticed that a lot of the stuff he looks at involves blow jobs. It's all pretty standard stuff (nothing outragiously kinky, violent, or illegal)....but I know that lots of women in his life have wronged him (including his mom) and probably left him feeling pretty powerless. I can't help but wonder if watching women give bj's (something that's kinda degrading to the women) may help soothe some unresolved issues. I mentioned in my other post that he is passive aggressive, which is a resistence to control as well as a fear of confrontation/loss. I don't know, but maybe this is his way of getting away with something and proving, if only to himself, that he can't be controlled. Or perhaps in his mind it's like he is cheating, and it gives him the feeling of power in this relationship that he feels the previous girls (who cheated) had over him. Or going back to my first statement--he just wants to look at a bunch of boobs, etc., and is just afraid to be honest about himself w/ me, about his needs---like, maybe I'll think he's perverted or something. Or maybe he's embaressed b/c it's such a private thing....sort of like admitting you pick your nose.

 

Are there any guys out there who have hidden their porn use from their gf's? (and lied about it) If so, why? Is there ever a reason beyond sexual release?

 

The reason I ask is because it's easiest for me to jump to the conclusion that he must want them badly enough to jeaprodize our relationship and he must not have any respect for me. But I would like to try and gain a little more understanding before talking to him about this. Maybe there's something going on that even he doesn't understand. Maybe I should consider trying to let go of this "cheated on" feeling, so I can talk to him openly and meet him in the middle on this issue--if it's more than him just outright disrespecting me.

 

Or maybe I'm just looking waaaaaaay too deep into this and I'm just delaying the inevitable w/ far fetched theories.

[Lizzie60]

I think you're over-analyzing this... and I disagree with most of what you said.

 

I can't help but wonder if watching women give bj's (something that's kinda degrading to the women) may help soothe some unresolved issues.

 

Degrading for women... come on now, you got to be kidding.

 

 

I mentioned in my other post that he is passive aggressive, which is a resistence to control as well as a fear of confrontation/loss. I don't know, but maybe this is his way of getting away with something and proving, if only to himself, that he can't be controlled.

 

Wow... are you a psychiatrist?

 

Or perhaps in his mind it's like he is cheating, and it gives him the feeling of power in this relationship that he feels the previous girls (who cheated) had over him.

 

I doubt that.

 

Or going back to my first statement--he just wants to look at a bunch of boobs, etc., and is just afraid to be honest about himself w/ me, about his needs---like, maybe I'll think he's perverted or something.

 

I think that's it!!! Of course he's afraid to be honest with you... from what I read here... I'd be running the other way. Poor guy!

 

Or maybe he's embaressed b/c it's such a private thing....sort of like admitting you pick your nose.

 

This is too funny.

 

Are there any guys out there who have hidden their porn use from their gf's? (and lied about it) If so, why? Is there ever a reason beyond sexual release?

 

I would think that they would, if they have gf like you.

 

Or maybe I'm just looking waaaaaaay too deep into this and I'm just delaying the inevitable w/ far fetched theories.

 

Exactly!!!!!

 

Geez, give him a break! You are waayyy too controlling... I kinda feel sorry for him, to be honest with you.

[nicki]

How much porn are we talking about here? Unless it's an addiction, I wouldn't worry about it at all.

 

But, I sure wouldn't want to see Playboy Magazines laying around the house either. (I can barely stand the ten Victoria Secret catalogs on the coffee table and the other ten in the bathroom! )

 

I do think internet porn or videos are normal every once in a while. Heck, I get curious, too. Unless he is online everyday looking at it, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

BUT, since it bothers you, then it's important to find out why you are worried. How do you react when you think about him looking at porn? What kinds of thoughts and feelings do you have?

 

What are you specifically worried about? Is there another part of your relationship that this ties into? (Like he stares at other women or needs to have his ego stroked by other women's attention. Or he seem weak to you and wouldn't say no to a sexual offer. Or you feel he doesn't pay you enough attention. Or maybe he is way to kinky and sexual for your tastes.)

 

After you have explored your own mind and heart, go talk to him. Ask him what he likes about looking at porn. Tell him how you interpret it. Maybe you just need some reassurance....or maybe you need to work on parts of your relationship....or maybe he really does need to cut down on the porn.

 

Hope that helps in some way!

[Carbine]

Porn, theraputic??? Sorry but that's a cop-out. Theraputic for what, his own selfishness? Unless he can find a medical expert to prescribe Playboy, then you're kidding yourself.

 

Most likely he's suffering from no more than a severe case of 'I want it all' syndrome. He wants to be in a committed relationship but at the same time he also can't bear to give up some aspects of his former singledom ie porn/preoccupation with other women. There are generally 2 types of people who get what they want: spoilt, tantrum-prone children and incredibly rich people. He is neither, so tell him to get off the fence and start showing you some respect.

[frygirl]

Umm ... I think he just likes porn. And knowing you would dissaprove, he hides it from you.

[kittensmittens]

Lizzie, I can't help but feel I'm being ridiculed in your post. I realize there are a lot of people who don't even blink at their SO looking at porn, so I'm already aware this seems like a silly problem to many, but it's not for me. I gave my boyfriend the opportunity to be completely honest with me. I explained to him my feelings on it, asked him if he was capable of respecting my feelings, and then asked him if he would. He said he could and he would. I even asked him what it is HE needs. I gave him a very big opportunity to be honest w/ me and he wasn't. So I'm trying to figure out why the lying. If you need it badly enough to lie about it, why not just find someone who won't have any problem w/ it if you're just going to jeaprodize what you've got anyway? So I'm just throwing ideas out there to figure out what's going on.

 

Degrading for women... come on now, you got to be kidding.

 

Ok, degrading was probably a strong word. But I know it at least can have a lot to do w/ dominance, especially all the stuff with cum on the girl's faces. I asked my bf once why on earth it's a turn on (strictly out of curiosity) and the first word that popped out of his mouth was "dominance". I'm not saying there's anything wrong w/ that per se (as far as sex goes), but I'm just looking at it as a possible indication of something more going on. And before anyone tells me "why don't you try some of those things", let me just say I've done damn near everything he's ever asked me to do in bed. So don't anyone go accusing me of being a prude!

 

...it's important to find out why you are worried. How do you react when you think about him looking at porn? What kinds of thoughts and feelings do you have?

 

Thank you for your thoughtful post, nicki. I think the fact that he is sneaking around and then acts so unjustly accused when I ask him about strange things that show up on my computer is what bothers me the MOST. B/c he knows how it makes me feel and is doing it anyway, I'm begining to feel like he doesn't even have a conscience. I worry that he will find it ok to lie about other things.

 

When I think of him looking at porn, it literally makes me sick to my stomach and I feel less close to him. It feels like betrayal. I feel less like doing sexy/dirty things for him--b/c I love him, when those girls are out there doing it for anyone b/c they get paid to. I don't do those things for just anyone--only him--and I feel like it doesn't mean as much to him that I'm sharing that part of myself w/ him. I realize most ppl aren't affected this way by it, but this is just how it makes me feel. Maybe I should work at trying to get past this, but the fact that he has lied still remains.

 

Is there another part of your relationship that this ties into? (Like he stares at other women or needs to have his ego stroked by other women's attention. Or he seem weak to you and wouldn't say no to a sexual offer. Or you feel he doesn't pay you enough attention. Or maybe he is way to kinky and sexual for your tastes.)

 

I feel like he is not respectful enough in other areas of our relationship. Which is why the first conclusion I jump to is that he's still looking at it b/c deep down he just doesn't have complete respect for me. I wonder if maybe it is indicitave of a bigger problem that needs to be addressed.

 

Ask him what he likes about looking at porn. Tell him how you interpret it. Maybe you just need some reassurance....or maybe you need to work on parts of your relationship....or maybe he really does need to cut down on the porn.

 

I've already told him how I feel about it and he had a chance to respond. I'm not sure if I should overlook his lying b/c it's "just porn" and approach him w/ understanding and try to adapt....or if I should just say enough is enough....lying is lying.

[milvushina]

If you need it badly enough to lie about it, why not just find someone who won't have any problem w/ it if you're just going to jeaprodize what you've got anyway?

 

Probably because he was lazy.. it's well and good to say you told him where you stand and asked him to also be open about it, but if he is the type to always avoid conflict, he would have just taken the easy way of saying what he knew would make you happy. I know it is kinda rude and unfair. Some people can't distinguish between arguments and honest discussions and think the best thing to do is always to avoid disagreement, even if it's with little white lies.

 

Overall.. yes, I think you're over-analyzing (I do that too, and I find that if I wonder whether I am - I probably am!). I think most people do not find that degrading. Most likely, he just likes oral sex. Yes, I think you could adapt to it. Probably he looks when you're asleep or not around, and I bet he never prefers it to sex with you, so you should not feel jealous. It was wrong of him to lie about it though, when you asked in a straightforward way. In trying to solve something that was not even a problem yet, he created a bigger problem. Dumb.

[Krytellan]

Umm ... I think he just likes porn. And knowing you would dissaprove, he hides it from you.

 

Holy crap!!!

That has to be the most profound, poetic, and concise statement of logic and righteousness I have ever seen on LS!!!

 

And I'm not kidding. Sometimes, folks, that's all it is. Not every porn incident is a deep psychological issue of power/guilt/control/aggression.

 

Thanks Frygirl.