Should a line be drawn here?

[Religioux]

I'm not sure where to start. First off, I'm sorry if this post turns into a novel…I'll try my best to keep it short and simple.

 

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nine months. We started dating in September of last year. Around Thanksgiving this past year, a co-worker of his wanted to go to this club that's in the party district of our city, St. Louis. The club's name is Club Buca. My boyfriend has been to Club Buca a few times before in the past (before we started dating).

 

Anyway, I didn't mind him going clubbing. I myself wouldn't be able to come along, as I'm only nineteen and the age requirement to get into Club Buca is twenty-one. Some slight insecurities managed to worm their way inside of me, because I've never been to a club before, and pretty much the only perception I have of them is of drunk people grinding on each other - but I told him I didn't mind him going, and to have a good time. I do trust him, and figured this perception of mine was just silly and naïve.

 

Long story short, he and the friend ended up not getting to go to the club. But ever since, my boyfriend has brought up the place multiple times, saying how much he still wants to go there soon.

 

But here's the problem - my older brother, who's also been to Buca a few times, told me after I asked him about the place that it's a very "sexually-charged" club, with girls being encouraged to dance on top of bars, etc. I got a bit uneasy and read a few reviews online about the place, and pretty much each one I read said the exact same thing.

 

Even my boyfriend has told me that the time's he's been before, there were girls in lingerie/bikinis dancing on top of the bars, and he said that once there were even strippers there.

 

So here's my issue - why does my boyfriend want to so badly go to a club that seems so obviously for singles? I'm insecure at the thought of him being around all of these half-naked girls who are dancing provactively on top of bars and whatnot. I brought up my insecurities to him and he basically said that he went because it was fun, and to drink, that he wouldn't be dancing/grinding with other women because it was cheating.

 

But from what I've read, heard and have come to understand, that's pretty much all there IS to the place, dancing, grinding, etc. My boyfriend also lied and told me there were other things to do there, like pool tables, etc. There's not. I asked my brother about this and he said it wasn't true.

 

Call me naive, but I can't imagine my boyfriend dancing with just a group of his guy friends, and no one else. Is there really any type of "innocent" dancing that goes on at clubs? Especially with guys? I can imagine a group of girlfriends just dancing together and nothing else, but somehow I can't picture men doing this.

 

I'm sorry, I know I probably sound over-reactive and insecure. The truth is, I've just never been to a club before. Maybe my image of them is false. I hate to be the kind of girlfriend who puts limits on my boyfriend's fun, and what he can and can not do. He's mad at me now because he feels like he "can't go out and have a good time". But where should the line be drawn? I don't mind him going out to bars or anything like that. But clubs seem like a different story altogether...

 

Any opinions, from both sides of the table, would be great. Do I have a right to be upset about my boyfriend going to this club? Should a line be drawn somewhere?

[Star Gazer]

Have you discussed with him how the atmosphere of the club itself makes you uncomfortable? I'm not sure it would be fair to "draw a line" if you haven't discussed how uncomfortable it makes you yet.

 

Are there clubs in the area that are 18+ that you two could go to together?

[EDDO]

I believe that he should be more considerate to how you are feeling about this club, if you have told him, and like already suggested, maybe there are clubs that are for 18+ that you both could go together to. Sounds like to me though that he knows exactly what kind of club it is and though he may not do anything wrong himself there, why be among all of that.

[Religioux]

Exactly, EDDO...he's been there a few times before, and knows what kind of place the club can be. I did bring up to him the fact that it was the atmosphere itself that made me uncomfortable. I told him that I didn't mind him going out to bars or anything, and his response was that, "Bars are boring. Why would I just want to sit there, drink and stare at a wall?"

 

I then told him that the thought of all the half-naked girls, dancing on top of bars, made me feel uneasy. He was very blasé about the whole subject. His exact words were, "Yeah. So every now and then a chick in a bikini will get up on the bar. So what?"

 

I know it's not just "every now and then" that it happens! Not according to my brother, and not according to the dozens of reviews online about the place. His nonchalant attitude about the whole thing made me feel upset.

 

Of course, when I brought up the reverse situation (me going to a club filled with guys in g-strings dancing around), his only response was to ask me to drop the subject.

 

And yeah, there's 18+ clubs in the area, but he never wants to go those. He says that they're full of "immature" kids.

[Italiana]

This is my motto.

If they are going to cheat on you it doesn;t matter where they go.

wither it be a club, strip club, bar, or library!

 

Your man probably just enjoys the atmosphere. bars can be boring and sometimes guys do just like to dance. does he dance at all?

 

You have to have trust in him because if he feels like you are not allowing him to go out to the club he will want to do it MORE.

you should encourage him to go and have a good time and thats it... not too many questions and no guilt. he will come running home to you quicker than you can imagine.

if he makes a habbit out of going all the time and doesnt come home to you and is making excuses why he can;t hang with you..or he stops setting aside special time for the two of you..give him the boot.

IMO he shouldn't be going there like every weekend.. every once in a while would be okay with me.

 

remember... if he is going to cheat he is going to cheat... no matter where he is.

 

in the meantime... make plans with your girls to go to the clubs you can get into..(try not to throw it in his face though) & i betcha he'll rethink his frequent club-going ways;)

[aklay]

there's soooo much temptation in clubs like these, we're only human it's natural to give into it.

 

I would be worried about:

Random numbers showing up on his phone.

How often does he go to this club?

Does he always put the reason for going on someone else (ie: "Bob really wants to go, and he usually doesnt have a good time unless I go.")

 

If you two are committed to eachother why does he choose a place where you can't get in to? How would he react if you used someone else's ID to get in?

[Trialbyfire]

Of course, when I brought up the reverse situation (me going to a club filled with guys in g-strings dancing around), his only response was to ask me to drop the subject.

While the rest wouldn't bother me, this would. In brushing off a reciprocal situation, he's negating you, right up front. I wouldn't let this aspect drop. I would push hard on this one.