Should I just accept this guy will be a primary friend?

[Brad_from_NJ]

Hi Pink, to answer your questions, in checking facts, she has told me some things that seemed far-fetched at first.

 

For example, she said last week she was going to "check out a new band" last week. I called the bar and learned it was actually was just one guy w/a guitar at the local pub. I asked her the other day, "hey, how was the new band?" She replied, "oh it turned out to be just a solo act, a guy with an acoustic that my GF wanted to see."

 

Stuff like that. I hate even the IDEA of fact-checking, it makes me feel creepy. But feel like I had to, for my own peace of mind. It's turning out that the only topic she is "top secret" on, is this guy and the time she spends calling, texting, socializing with him. Everything else seems OK.

 

As far as asking her how she would feel if the tables were turned, I've tried going that route, but her standard reply is (a little insulting), "he's a friend, nothing more, so I wouldn't have a problem with it and you shouldn't either." And of course, "if he had breasts instead of a penis, we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we?" All other questions regarding this topic are avoided, subject changed and never answered.

 

It's a very uncaring attitude. And it's come to the point where I don't really care about this guy anymore -- it really MIGHT be nothing. But it's her whole attitude toward this (not really giving a damn about what I feel) that is really ticking me off.

 

Now it's getting awkward, and this is where I need feedback from the rest of you...

I've sent her a few texts this past week, and two emails. The emails said essentially the same thing:

 

You probably know that I'm a little nervous about calling you. I hope you didn't think I was calling to interrogate you, or make you account for your self. I just really miss you.

 

I sent that last Thursday, and essentially the same message Monday morning. No reply either time. In fact, we didn't speak at all over the weekend.

 

But she did call me yesterday (Wed) and then again this morning. I didn't pick up the phone and she did not leave messages either time.

 

I feel weird not answering the phone. I mean, I'd like to talk with her, but it's always small talk, nothing substantial. And I'll admit I'm a little unhappy being "managed" like this (we used to talk every day -- many days twice, but now she won't respond to voice mails, texts or emails -- and calls only when she "has a minute to say hi" here and there, so she can avoid anything too deep).

 

OK...do I answer? Or let each of us stew a while more?

 

... and I hate stew!

[PinkAngelStar]

I feel you know that it's over but don't really want to admit it. Things went sour after it all happened with me, we didn't speak much, I feel like we just lost something, not sure what but there was a space between us. Question to ask yourself, what would you do if your friend was in the situation? What advice would you give him?

 

YOu've done well for not taking her calls. WHen you haven't before, has she queried why you haven't answered your phone or just carry on as normal?

 

You've done everything you can to fix it, it's up to her to be more open about the subject you're sensitive about. I don't think she's admitting to herself that she might have something with this guy, even if she's not sleeping with him, it makes it ok in her mind. I'm sure she wouldn't like it if it was the other situation, I said I wouldn't mind just so it didn't look so bad, or I didn't look bad, but when it came down to it, I really did. She could just be saying it just so she doesn't feel so guilty or bad about what she's doing. If my boyfriend was going out with a female friend who I didn't know, I would not be happy. I'm a jealous person anyway, but I would hope that I would be informed with details, after all if he shut down to me about it and was vague, it's a reason to get suspcious.

 

Keep us informed,

 

All the best,

 

Pink

[Brad_from_NJ]

This had to end.

 

It had just been too awkward lately. She called me 4X the past two days and I blew off the calls (twice I was actually busy w/work and twice I just didn't want to talk). But she would not leave me a message! I felt badly, and so I sent her two texts last night. But she didn't reply to either one.

 

So, I called her this morning. I told her that I just needed to know what's up.

 

Holy cow, I heard every single line...all in the same phone call!

 

"It's not you...it's me."

"I just got out of a long relationship/difficult marriage, I'm not ready to jump into something." (this...after ten months?)

"Not that I'm going crazy, but I'm enjoying a little freedom/fun right now"

"Why can't we just be friends?"

 

I told her I understood that talking 2X (and sometimes 3X) per day was impossible to keep up. But also told her I wasn't satisfied with her new schedule of talking for a minute or two, once or twice/week. I said "I miss you and need more than that." And that I was still offended by the "I feel like you're interrogating me" line from two weeks back, and actually felt nervous about talking on the phone with her and asking simple questions like "how was your day?" How weird is that?

 

She said her husband used to spy on her, monitor her calls and had spy-ware on her computer (which she had told me about), so she said the "interrogation" business was a little harsh, and said that the problem with "interrogation" was "probably more her than me."

 

Whatever. She just felt uneasy and felt like she needed to "report in" -- which I never asked for.

 

Anyway, she said, look, this was too intense to maintain at this pace. I said OK, I'll leave it up to you and said the words "good bye."

 

At least I got out what was bothering me, and at least she was honest with me.

 

I am relieved. And a little sad. But I might actually get some sleep tonight.

 

I want to thank everyone so much for being a good sounding board. It really meant a lot to me, and has been a big help.

 

 

Brad

[Cobra_X30]

Brad,

 

I know this hurts. Just realize that there are millions of other girls out there that would really appreciate a guy like you!

[PinkAngelStar]

Sorry to hear that Brad, you sound more relieved now though.

 

Keep smiling, as Cobra said, there's millions of girls that would really love to be with a guy like you.

 

All the best,

 

Pink

[Brad_from_NJ]

Mind if I ask everyone more question? More like a WTF? kind of question...

 

So, Friday morning, we have this discussion (which you can see from my entry on Friday, July 6), where she basically spells it out for me -- and I conclude that this appears over.

 

Well, to me at least.

 

 

And I can tell you, I had three great nights of sleep -- Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights! These were the first few good nights of sleep that I've had in two months, maybe longer. I finally feel like I can close this chapter and will be moving on.

 

And then she calls my cell phone again this morning!

 

I was stunned. And I didn't answer it. She didn't leave a message, but followed up with a text saying she just wanted to "say hi and see how my weekend was." I have no intention of replying or responding -- I feel as though I have been through the wringer -- I don't really want to be "just friends" after seeing my emotional investment in this relationship tossed away like last night's salad. But what is up with that?

 

Was this a phone call placed out of guilt -- or is this something that normally happens in other relationships?

 

Again, after being out of the serious relationship loop for over 20 years I don't know if this is normal behavior or not. Somebody please explain, thanks!

[Cobra_X30]

LOL... are you wondering how women think? I'm not sure anyone knows.

 

I would txt back... not intersted in "just friends".

[norajane]

"Just friends" means she wants to keep you on the back burner in case things change for her.

 

Keep in mind, she just got divorced, and she's glommed onto married man for her support system, plus she had you part time as an additional support. She's not going to want to give you up entirely, especially if MM finally remembers he has a wife and family that he should be spending time with. She's afraid of ending up all on her own, so she wants you as a friend to be her shoulder to lean on when she's feeling lonely.

[Sevenmack]

There's no such thing as a 'graceful exit.' Or 'closure' that actually feels like what it should be -- the end. These things always drag themselves out when they should just plain end. She's going to continue to call you, likely because she's not ready to stop having it both ways, as the old saying goes.

 

She wants to keep you as a 'friend' until someone better comes along. She's probably doing the same with the other guy. And she's probably a collector type of personality, the kind of woman who carries men around to satisfy her own ego instead of investing in the kind of long-term relationship that requires as much giving as receiving.

 

Basically, she's a selfish twat. It's probably the reason why she's now divorced. Her husband saw in her what you are now seeing and he wasn't smart enough to get out before getting tied up with her.

 

The best you can do as far as closure with her is to pay her no mind. So keep ignoring her calls, texts, e-mails and other messages. Do as much as you can to avoid her. Eventually she will get the hint and stop. She'll move on as will you.

 

This isn't what closure should feel like. Often, however, it's what closure truly is.

 

All the best to you.

[squeak]

Ugh stay away from the "let's be friends" phonecalls.

 

She will tie you up emotionally and stop you from meeting someone who WILL be right for you, all that emotional tanglement will continue, in fact-it will be worse because she stated that is how she wants it. Believe her this time.

 

Be glad you found out now and followed your gut on what you wanted, and would not settle for. She would just keep dragging you down, she is defintely "a collector". You'll meet someone else who won't be so strenous.

[Sal Paradise]

Tell her you're not going to be friends with her that you have enough friends. Also tell her that in general you don't stay friends with dishonest people so why would you be friends with her. Then tell her to never contact you again. Block her on IM and never answer her calls again. If you have to change your phone number.

 

Problem solved.