i just discovered my pregnant fiance cheated!

[dmrbrad]

My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. We have a beautiful baby girl and she is 2 months pregnant with our second child. Six months ago we experienced some serious financial problems and lived apart for two months. We both agreed to stay together but give each other some space during this time. It was made very clear by her that we were not going to see anyone else at all and we would work everything out. Well we did and fell back in love and were happier than ever. We decided to have another child during this time. Everything was peachey until I found letters wriiten to her from a doctor where she works. She's a CMA. The letters made it very clear that they were in a sexual relationship during our so-called downtime. She has admitted it and says it was short-lived. Now i don't know what to do. I can't even look at her. We have this beautiful family but I am scared I will never feel the same about her. All I think about is what happened with them. I can't sleep and I can't express my emotions to her seeing she's 2 months pregnant. How can I move on from this knowing what happened. By the way, I'm 31. The doctor is 54. She is 27. Pretty sick. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

dmrbrad

[Touche]

Wow, I'm so sorry for all of this Brad. It's a toughie. But I'll tell you what I think.

 

First of all, the next time you have a problem, you shouldn't separate. Either try to work it out together or split up.

 

Secondly, just curious but why have kids and be committed and not marry? Whose idea was that?

 

Thirdly, make it VERY, VERY clear that you won't tolerate a cheating partner. If she does it again you must separate for good. But like I said, you shouldn't have separated to begin with. If you have bonded enough and are responsible enough to have kids together, then you better make sure (for their sakes at least) that you two can at least figure out how to get along and make it work with each other.

 

But you must be very firm with her now. Tell her that infidelity will not be tolerated. Roll over and be a wimp, and she'll just do it again.

 

Good luck, ok?

[Touche]

Also, one more thing:

 

What couple DOESN'T have financial disagreements/troubles. You absolutely must, MUST get on the same page in this regard. Don't shove it under the table. Address it. Deal with each problem as it comes up. Do it in a level-headed way. No yelling or anything.

 

Financial problems are one of the number one reasons couples break up. Don't be a statistic. Deal with that now.

 

If need be, seek help here. And don't discount outside help in the form of a financial planner or a therapist.

 

But no matter what happens, don't let your kids grow up without the two of you in their lives though, ok? You would not believe the damage that causes.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry to say this but you need to make this child she's carrying is yours.

 

Also, you should go talk to someone one on one to deal with the anger, pain and betrayal that you are feeling. By doing that, the therapist can help you cope with this better and with the help of everyone here too.

 

If and when you decide she's worth giving another chance to make things right again, you two need to get to marriage counselling.

[norajane]

I can't express my emotions to her seeing she's 2 months pregnant.

 

Yes, you can, and you must. You need to find out if this child is really yours. You need to to understand what this affair of hers was all about and whether you can live with knowing that it happened. You need to find out if it's really over. And if you decide you can forgive her, you need to get into some counseling together to work through your issues.

 

Letting this stew inside you for the next 7 months is going to lead to disaster. You have to DO something, starting with telling her exactly how you feel.

[Bryanp]

1. Get a paternity test

2. Get tested for STD's.

3. Think long and hard whether you should marry this woman. My guess is that the child is not yours.

[reservoirdog1]

GET A PATERNITY TEST ASAP. Do not trust her word about when she stopped banging the doctor.

 

Think very seriously about whether or not you can be married to her. Yes, there's a baby on the way. However, you already have one child, so whatever happens, the woman's in your life for good. DON'T let the fact that there's a baby on the way be the determinant of whether you stay with her or not -- especially if that's the only reason.

 

The doctor in question -- was he "her doctor"? If so, report the motherfycker to the medical licensing authorities. In most jurisdictions, a doctor who screws around with a patient does so at his peril. And if he's married, find a way to tell his wife.

[LakesideDream]

I agree with the previous responses. The best advice may be to verify the paternity of the child as soon as possible. If your GF has an amnio it can be done then.

 

You said "you can't look at her". I understand that. Many people, included some in the LS community cannot understand the inability of some men to forgive, or forget the mental images of their wives/SO's being penetrated by another male. I can. I can also understand that their are women that cannot tolerate the image of their man penetrating another woman.

 

For me that was the final straw in the cascade of betrayal. While not pleased by the OM's actions, I was most distressed by the realization that my now ex willingly accepted another man/mens penises inside her.

 

If your reaction is like mine, you may be out of luck. On the other hand, you are young (31) and may be able to train yourself to tolerate the thoughts. I wish you luck, and urge caution above all.

[Pilgrim]

There are lots of practical "advice" type posts on here. I'm sure you'll get to that. But if this is very fresh can I just say I'm sorry for your loss. It hurts like hell. Somehow you do get through it to a degree.

 

Not tackling a difficult emotional subject due to her pregnancy could be self defeating, since NOT talking about it may make for a worse atmosphere and / or a barrier between you. That said, you may need a bit of time to be able to talk about it when you feel less raw and less out of control in the talking. If you've got good MALE friend, or pastor that is a good listener, you could start there. You will need people who can stand with you.

 

Hang in there.

[frygirl]

Can you trust her and can you forgive her? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself now. You need to talk to her about it. She needs to know how you feel. She needs to know what she has done to you.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how devistating it would be. You are going through alot of conflicting emotions right now and you need to not hide that from her. Preganant women aren't so fragile they can't take responsibilty for their actions.

 

I know every one else has already recommended it, but I also think it is dire that you seek some sort counseling. Wether you stay together or not, for the sake of your children you both need to work through this.

[GreenX]

wow.. im sorry to hear she did that to you and your family.

 

I was wondering, this Dr., you said she worked with? Does she currently still work with him, see him a lot? Or was that a one time thing?

 

I would also definitely bring this up to her, make it clear that you have every right to know that this child she is carrying now is yours and not that of her OM. She may kick and scream and turn it around to try and throw in your face, but hell, you deserve to know. You shouldn't have to go on for years and years supporting a child of which in the back of your mind you are not even sure is yours.

 

I hope you decide to not brush this under the carpet and wait it out til her pregnancy is over. You need to know now so you can move along with your future, with or without her.

 

G'luck to you