LulaMae Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 My fiance and I are going to pre-marital counseling for our upcoming wedding later this year. One of the recurring issues in our relationship is the fact that he was unfaithful in his previous marriage. I do not know if his wife was unfaithful, but I do not think so (not that it really matters). He has been very honest and upfront with me and has shown me nothing but love and dedication in our current relationship. He has been open about why he was unfaithful - young, immature, wanting to be like some of his friends who were out cheating, etc., etc. and says that he has changed. He also says that there is no excuse. That his behavior was inappropriate and that he wants a committed relationship with me that will last. He is very loving and attentive to me and my needs, but I am still worried that years into the marriage we may suffer the same fate. To give you some background, he married in his mid-to-late 20s and was married for 10 years. Three years into his marriage he had a one-night stand with a co-worker and five years into his marriage he had a sexual encounter that turned into an affair that lasted 5 years of his marriage. This means that he was having an affair for the latter half of his marriage. His wife did not acknowledge the affair until 5 years in, despite major red flags (staying out all night, etc.). After the marriage ended, he tried to make it work with the OW but it did not work out...she did not want a committed relationship with him. He dated and sought counseling on his own to come to grips with his behavior and the reasons for it. To give some background, he is 39, I am 36 and he has two children (10 and 4) who are soon to be my stepchildren. We dated for one year and have been engaged for 3 months. I will admit to being a jealous person and I am trying to address my issues and own insecurities. I know that there is no guarantee that a spouse will not cheat on you regardless of their past, but I find myself subconsciously wanting a personal guarantee signed in blood from my future husband (or God) that he will not cheat. I would like very much to live in the future but there is a nagging question that is troubling me - "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?" I would love to hear from everyone but in particular from men and women who have been the cheaters in their past or current relationships. Much of this will be hashed out in counseling but I would like your input. Please help me put this issue to rest! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 I was the OW for 9 years before his wife kicked him out (he had cheated on her with many many women and cheated on me too).... he then moved with me as soon as she left... I told him he could not go out as a 'single guy' anymore and live like he was living with his W... he completely changed his lifestyle. In the 18 years I was with him... I doubt he had cheated... (but no one can be 100% sure) I left him... he was devastated... I truly believe that 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but with the woman he cheated on... not necessarily with another woman... but to be honest I don't believe in monogamy either... I would say that MOST men cheat... down the road... Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 IMO, I do not think, "once a cheater always a cheater" And I was cheated on by my now ex husband too. I think people can change, but they have to really want too. Link to post Share on other sites
princssangl0204 Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 There are no guarantees ...... with any marriage it is a blind leap of faith as to what happens in the future. from what you have said he seems to have moved past his old behavior and is ready to move on with a committed and faithful relationship. I would have serious concerns if he had cheated on someone with you because you would be basing your relationship on that foundation.... but that isn't the case here. I do think people can change and I don't think that if someone cheats in the past it isn't necessarily a fact that they will cheat again. I also don't believe all men cheat eventually no offense but I think that is a fairly naive and immature observation. I think if both people are in a healthy relationship and stay connected to each others needs they are far less likely to got out side of the marriage for that they need. I just don't run on the notion that all men deep down are just horn dogs..... I don't buy it and I don't think it gives men any credit for being human other then just responding to their sexual desires. Really most men that I know who have cheated don't do it because they are looking for a sexual outlet they do it because they feel emotionally disconnected from their partner. Yes that is right I believe men are capable of thinking and feeling with more then just their penis. Link to post Share on other sites
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