Controling Mother

[Chewy2007]

My fiance doesnt understand and my parents dont understand either about my panic attacks. They think im just being lazy and dont want to go to work. Even though i was verbally harrased and sexually harrased by workers in the last job i was in, infact all of my jobs i have had in the last 5 years, i never had a good experience even though i am friendly and polite to people. For some reason people dont like me.

 

My parents are over controlling and obsessive I cant take them anymore. I moved out to live with my fiance 7 years ago and everything went down from there. Basically my parents never leave me alone. They always think i am dead if i dont answer my phone on the day the call me. If i go on holidays and dont tell them, they call the police and file a missing persons report on me. Mind you they never called me the whole 1 week and on the one day i didnt answer the phone they thought i was dead and filed the report.

 

Every job i get is not good enough, because its not in music or media. If i get a job as a sales person (its not good enough and i will never hear the end of it, and how i disapoint the family because i am not a musician like britany spears *rolls eyes* )

 

When i did work my mum would call me every 3 nights to ask me if im ok. Then make excuses for me to come over to see her after work. It takes me 1 hr and a half to drive to her place from work and drive back to my house is another 1 and a half. She makes me feel guilty that shes alone at home because my father works night shift and my sister is at uni or with her friends.

 

They always ask me the same thing over and over and over again.

 

My mum has no friends and the same with my father. They stick to me like glue.

 

They expect me to come over thier place every saturday and see them. To talk about me me me me me. And how i dont have a job.

 

My mum even found a doctor 5 min away from my house so she can come by and check up on me. Even though she lives 1 hour away.

 

My dad used to drive by my house at 2 am after his last night shift to check up on me to see if im ok. Or they show up unexpectedly at my house .. i cant even have sex without them showing at my front door.

 

I cant even have an answering machine. I bought an answering machine one day and my father calls me at 6 am. The phone went straight to the tape of answering machine, and this is what you hear.

" my name... are you there... this is dad ....... are you there? ,,,,,,,, my name" this went on for like 10 min. I was thinking that they would get the message that i am not picking up the phone. So then because i didnt pick up the phone he is there knocking at my door asking me why i didnt pick up the phone. (sigh)

 

With a mobile phone its the same 50 messages or text messages on my phone asking me if im there. (im at work.... or im asleep . i was outside) They expect me to be available to them 24/7

 

This month i tried to see if they could make it 1 month with out seeing or calling me. I told them i will see them on my birthday. (To them i must have a birthday party even though im 27 years old. If i dont have a birthday party they make me feel guilty, like i made a cake for you, you must come.) But i dont want a party i dont want gifts leave me alone !!! But no i missed one email that my mother sent me and all hell breaks loose becuase i didnt reply on that day.

 

 

There are times when i dont even like going to my parents house because they cause my anxiety as well. Since i was a child they were violent towards each other and i have always been in the middle of their stupid arguments. Its always my fault as to why the arguments started. Even though the fight is never about me. It was always a problem for them to spend any money on me. It was like mum can i go to camp. Go and ask your father... Dad can i go to camp..... go and ask your mother..... and so on until and argument started.

 

And now they try to bribe me with money, if i refuse to take it they get offened when i do take it and i dont see them.... I am a bad child becasue i owe them money....

 

So now when i go to their house, they pick fights with each other all the time about the stupidest things. And when i am there to visit they always ask questions about me and about my life and why i dont have a job, and i get really frustrated. Because i have a sister who is sitting there. But the person they always talk to is me me me !!! They never ask her about her personal life and she sits there interogating me as well. It feels like i am getting interogated with any questiong they ask. If i say i dont want to talk about it. They keep pushing and pushing acting like i have something to hide.

 

 

And now because i am engaged they keep asking me why i am not married yet. 1. My father and fiance had a punch up on new years 3 years ago. All because my father did not want me to marry my fiance.

My fiance asked my father if he would allow my fiance to marry me. My father tells my fiance to go and ask my mother. So he did. my mother said yes.... and shes like go and ask her father (my father) my father then says "no i will not let you marry my daugter,but i would like to meet your parents first. Mind you i already said to my fiance yes because i knew something stupid like this would have started.

 

Then on new years a punch up started because of this engagment. 3 years later they are just on speaking terms. My father took a court order on my fiance and gave him a criminal record. And my father and mother have the balls to say why arent i married yet ?

 

In the last 3 years my cousins and relos all got married and my parents were happy for them... but for me its not good enough.

 

And now with the wedding plans my father thinks he can tell me what church i HAVE to get married in And my mother must make my dress . and i MUST have a baby. I mean for christ sakes i am an adult. And im tired of this.

 

I mean far out how much more of this bull**** i must take....

 

I NEED ADVICE HELP ME !!!!!

 

[curiousnycgirl]

Listen very carefully I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy to learn this - and am now sharing it with you - ready?

 

You cannot change your parents, you can only change how you react to them. Simple huh?

 

I don't mean to be glib, I know exactly what you are going through. My mother also tries to control my every move and I'm 42. When I was your age - it was much harder for me to stand up for myself and lay the ground rules. I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

 

Bottom line -

 

1. if you want to, you may call your parents - as often as you wish. You may not wish to so very often if they only tell you how disappointed they are. Not speaking to them in that event is perfectly understandable - and when they ask why - you tell them you don't want to speak with them if that is all they have to say. Trust me, in time that message gets through as your calls become less frequent. Somehow they learn that it is not an acceptable topic of conversation.

 

2. tell them they may not call during business hours or before 7 am (or whatever time you decide) - unless it is an emergency - and that you will not answer the phone during those times. So if they continue this bad behaviour - you might miss an emergency call. This one was almost impossible for my mother - I finally stopped giving her my work number and turned off my cell during business hours.

 

3. if they ask why you are not married - tell them it's simple, dad caused that to be delayed - then refuse to discuss it further.

 

4. if they are paying for the wedding - then I agree they get to decide where. If you are paying for it - then they need to shut up. Tell them they have a choice, they can either be part of the planning or not. If they are part of the planning they are entitled to express their opinion, but are required to accept your final decision (remember this only works if YOU are paying for the wedding).

 

5. As far as filing missing person reports - every hear of the boy who cried wolf? G-d forbid the really do need the police - they will never be believed! On the other hand why would you go n vacation without telling your parents and if they can't find you why wouldn't they just call your cell phone? Ridiculous!

 

In case you didn't pick up on it - how you react to them will eventually change what they are demanding of you - and even sooner it will change how you react to them. You cannot directly change them - but by changing how YOU react everything will shift.

 

Good luck with it.