tymbo Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 We met when I was 20 and she was 21. We've now been together for 12 years, 7 of them married. We have two sons. Last November we separated - initiated by myself...there were so many things that were bugging me that I just needed some time out. Anyway, at the beginning my wife was quite distraught and couldnt get over the fact of what had happened. She moved out of the family home several months ago and is renting with our sons...this was while I had moved out with my brother. I have since returned to the family home. This is where it gets messy, and my heart is truly torn. She now tells me that she has moved on. At the beginning of the split she had all the hallmarks of grieving the end (or at least possible end) of the relationship. Problem is, is i'm now at the point she was many months ago and want to reconcile. I have had a sexual encounter and as it turns out my wife has too, she is still seeing this guy, though she doesnt really know if it will lead anywhere. Myself, I've met a couple of women that are very keen on me, but I can't proceed with anything with them...all I want is my wife back. I wish we set clearer boundaries of what was going to be OK during the separation, but at one stage it was sort of final between us. Now, I really want to reconcile, but am afraid that these sexual encounters will be hanging over me forever....so confused... My wife has arranged for counselling for the 12 July, but she is not promising anything and talks about us finding happiness with new people. She does say though that a lot will have to change (IF ANYTHING POSITIVE COMES OUT), and I'm willing to do what it takes in this regard, cause I know I could have been a better father and husband. The whole counselling thing is a double-edged sword cause if I turn around and say no, that will be it. Yet, if I do go, there's no guarantee on anything happening again. I'm through with begging, tears, being angry...I bought an eBook last night 'Stop your divorce' by Homer McDonald and there is some good advice in there...I started applying them yesterday...but its soo hard taking it on board and not call her...just to hear her voice...but arrggh! the conversation will go around and around. God, what do i do? What have I done? I'm heartbroken... the hardest part of this is the sexual relations outside of marriage. She tells me that she doesn't know really if there is a future with this guy and perhaps he was just there to help her through a particularly lonely time in her life. She lives up the road from me, and the other weekend when I had the boys I was taking them to soccer, his car was parked out the front of her house and it was EXTREMELY difficult and bitter pill to swallow. God. Writing her a letter helped me a little to get some feelings across (although I had said them all before) - because sometimes you lay in bed thinking "did i tell her this or that?" - i'm sure many of you have experienced this...but no more outpourings from me directly to her...its too draining...now its just space that I will give her, and prepare myself (for myself) mentally for the eventuation that we may or MAY NOT be together again. Link to post Share on other sites
Yernasia Quorelios Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 You're prime concern right now should not be the sexual encounters. Your prime concern should be preparing to be totally honest during your upcoming counseling session. Nonetheless, for what it's worth, in my experience, both direct and indirect, plenty of people reconcile after separations that involved sexual encounters with other people. In fact these sexual encounters almost always contributed to a stronger relationship as people discovered that meeting someone with the right sexual chemistry is a pretty rare and special thing. A reconciler may make comments like "the sex with other people was OK but the chemistry was missing". Anybody can have sex with anybody else, that's how we're designed, ask any prostitute. However finding that special person with the right sexual chemistry, that's tricky. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tymbo Posted June 18, 2007 Author Share Posted June 18, 2007 thank you for the response. I am trying soo hard not to be needy and pushy and push her further away at the moment. I have found that I was strong for a while but its so hard seeing her anytime - I would prefer not at all at the moment, but I need to drop the kids off home. So last night it was the usual mental torture 'WHY, WHY WHY, BLAH BLAH BLAH' LOL. It really does my head in. I asked her if she had told the guy that she has been seeing that we were going to do counselling. This guy has (of course) said to her that its a bad mistake and for her not to bother. Of course he will say this. He's been pretty non-committal with her the past couple of months, but i would suspect that he would start upping the ante to ensure that he doesnt lose her now.... Link to post Share on other sites
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