I hate her ex... she stills wants to see him

[JimJ]

My girl and I have been together for about 5 months, she came straight out of her previous relationship and into this 1 with me. She's my 1st serious relationship but i'm not hers.

 

We've had alot of fallings out in the past when she would go and see her ex because i couldn't handle it. I get racked with retroactive jealousy and just can't stand it.

 

Anyway after alot of fallings out and almost breaking up on all those occasions she told me that she wouldn't see him again. Fine, great, things got better, i still get bouts of retroactive jealousy now and again but mostly i handle it well and keep it from her (i am currently looking into getting councelling to help with deal with these emotions).

 

Anyway we kinda brought the subject of it all up again and she confessed that she still very much wants to and wishes she could see her ex (just as friends). The things is i know she loves me and i know she only wants to see him as friends, but knowing those things doesn't make me feel any better.

 

It really made me feel **** when she told me how she still wanted contact with him. It makes me feel selfish and like i'm restricting her, which is something i do not want to do.

 

I just can't change how i feel about it though and knowing that she wants to see him is making me feel worse.

 

Has anybody else been in a similar situation or does anybody have any sound advice on how i should handle things?

[Cobra_X30]

Why would she want to be in a relationship with you and still hang with her ex? They broke up for a reason right?

 

You need to make absolute shure that your not just the "rebound" guy! I think you have every reason to be jealous.

 

Ultimately you can't control her... thats where all those super jealous guys get creepy. If she doesnt respect who you are and where you are coming from on this... she probably isnt that into you!

[JimJ]

She says her and her ex didn't work in a relationship (they were together for 8 years).

 

She says she loves me and that i'm everything she's ever wanted.

 

She says she feels bad for still wanting to see him but that's how she feels, and obviously i feel the way i do. She's said she will stop seeing him and i guess i believe her, although 1 time she did see him and tried to keep it from me, her excuse was she didn't want to cause unessesary friction etc cos she knew that i wouldn't like it but that i have nothing to worry about cos she's not seeing him like that.

 

I hate this whole situation. Since the two of us have been together this whole thing with her ex has been a major issue in our relationship. It took so long to get to the point where she said she wouldn't see him anymore, but the truth is she still wants to see him and that doesn't make me feel good at all.

[che_jesse]

1) Five months is no where nearly enough time to "get over" a eight year relationship.

 

2) You have shown a great lapse in judgment for getting into a relationship with someone straight out of a eight year relationship and expecting them to be devoted to you. Hell the two of you have not even reached "rebound".

 

2b) You can be forgiven for this because this is the first time you have been involved with someone.

 

3) This relationship will end so don't get to attached.

 

4) Take the whole thing as a lesson as to why you don't get into a relationship with someone just coming out of a long term relationship and move on with your life.

[beautifuldisaster]

This sounds just like the relationship I just got out of. My bf was keeping in touch with his ex gf and I didn't like that at all. They broke up a month before we got together and I knew, that even though he loved me, that he had some feelings for her also. I asked him to stop contacting her and he promised me he would, well, he lied. He was seeing her (as friends) almost the entire time we were together (10 months) behind my back. Their relationship got physical a month before we broke up, so yeah he cheated on me with her. It was devastating. I don't think I would have cared so much if it were some other girl. I would have still left, but it was worse for me that it was her because she was in issue/problem through the entire relationship. I didn't have to break up with him, in the end he chose her. It was devastating.

 

There is no reason your gf should be friends with her ex...she has you now, that should be enough. She'll never fully get over him if he's in her everyday life. There wasn't enough time in between relationships for her to get over him. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you may be a rebound. I'm sure she loves you, but because she got into a relationship so quickly, she's probably very confused.

 

She lied to you once, how do you know she hasn't lied even more than that? Do you want to live always wondering if they're in contact? I lived like that and it was miserable. You are right for not wanting her to be friends with him and she should respect your feelings and not be in contact with him. Good luck!

[norajane]

1) Five months is no where nearly enough time to "get over" a eight year relationship.

 

2) You have shown a great lapse in judgment for getting into a relationship with someone straight out of a eight year relationship and expecting them to be devoted to you. Hell the two of you have not even reached "rebound".

 

2b) You can be forgiven for this because this is the first time you have been involved with someone.

 

3) This relationship will end so don't get to attached.

 

4) Take the whole thing as a lesson as to why you don't get into a relationship with someone just coming out of a long term relationship and move on with your life.

 

I totally agree with this che jesse.

She lied to you once, how do you know she hasn't lied even more than that? Do you want to live always wondering if they're in contact?

 

And I have the same question as beautifuldisaster. How do you know she hasn't lied more than once?

 

It really made me feel **** when she told me how she still wanted contact with him. It makes me feel selfishand and like i'm restricting her, which is something i do not want to do.

 

And I'll say think about this very hard, but flip it around. Is she feeling selfish for pushing you to agree to her remaining friends with her ex when it obviously hurts your feelings, makes you feel insecure about your relationship, and make you feel ****? Does she feel selfish and like she's not respecting your feelings?

 

And by the way, it's not retroactive jealousy when this man is still very much on her mind and she still wants him in her life. It's not her past, it's not over and done with. It's still very much in the present.

[Star Gazer]

1) Five months is no where nearly enough time to "get over" a eight year relationship.

 

2) You have shown a great lapse in judgment for getting into a relationship with someone straight out of a eight year relationship and expecting them to be devoted to you. Hell the two of you have not even reached "rebound".

 

2b) You can be forgiven for this because this is the first time you have been involved with someone.

 

3) This relationship will end so don't get to attached.

 

4) Take the whole thing as a lesson as to why you don't get into a relationship with someone just coming out of a long term relationship and move on with your life.

 

I have a tendency to agree with this, but there are some points where I disagree.

 

Even assuming there's no "rebound" necessary or broken hearts involved, an 8 year relationship is not something a person can let go of easily. I can totally understand her desire to remain friends with the guy. He was clearly a huge part of her life, and I think it's unfair of you to expect or request her to cease all contact with him.

 

There's room for comprimise here though. Does she want to shoot the breeze over a beer with him? Go with her. Go to a movie with him? Go with her. You can incorporate their friendship into your relationship just as you would if he were any other friend. It might be difficult at first given their history, but if there is nothing romantic going on, it shouldn't be that hard. But I'm of the opinion that ex's CAN be friends, as long as boundaries are clearly communicated. That having been said, I cannot think of one ex's friendship that I would choose over the right guy.

 

The most disturbing part of your OP is that she was seeing him - however innocently - behind your back and lying about it. Lying is bad, and is only a precursor to bigger problems.

[LakesideDream]

Jim, (great moniker BTW) It's the 21st Century and there is absolutely nothing you can do about your (?) Girlfriend seeing her (?) Boyfriend.

 

If you "forbid" her, it's dictatorial, and abusive. It's probably abusive to even mention it.

 

The deck is stacked against you on this one. If you continue to be jealous and try to interfere in their relationship you are the "bad guy" and mentally abusive. If you ignore it and do nothing, you are a coward and a wimp.

 

My advice.. move on to another gal. If the current GF is serious about you she will part ways with the EX, and let you know she's really interested in you. If not? You will have improved your situation anyway.

[oppath]

I'll agree with SG here. I was totally burned in this situation a few months ago. I was a patsy. I'd let her hang out with him with him not knowing she had a new boyfriend, because she didn't want to hurt his feelings. I as a doormat.

 

Quite simple, if they are just friends, you should be able to meet him as just a friend. Does he know she is in a new relationship? That is paramount. There is room for compromise. If he is just a friend, he should know about you, though she shouldn't be discussing your relationship with him. You should be able to meet him as a friend, even if it is weird. If it is too raw for this to happen, he is not yet a friend, and their contact should be more limited, maybe once a month.

[oppath]

I should also note that this being your first real relationship, it's a great chance to practice assertiveness skills. No, you can't tell her she can't talk to this guy or be friends. But you can make sure (1) he knows she is involved and (2) you can ask to join them, and are entitled to say you'd prefer they only hang out in group situations until their friendship is at a point where they are comfortable introducing new bfs/gfs.

 

The danger, her knowing it is your first real relationship, is her blaming you and labeling you possessive, jealous, insecure, or inexperienced. No, you want to be respected, and in these situations a little jealousy is normal. Even if ex's are ex's for a reason, there are also reasons the two were intimate! This has happened to me, and I've seen it happen to others: the person without much "experience" is taken advantage of and the other person tries to make it ok because "you just don't have much experience" and it is bs. In your heart, you know what is right or wrong and what feels inappropriate and you have the right to assert these things. She has to shift towards your side of the spectrum, not all the way, but enough to make you comfortable.

[JimJ]

Thanks all for the feedback.

 

She has said that she would stop seeing him, but she's also made it clear how much she dislaikes this and wishes things could be different.

 

I hear what you're all saying about how I should be cautious about their so called friendship, but she was the one to break up with him so this makes me think that she really does only want to be friends with him.

 

He does know about me, although it took her a long time to finally tell him.

 

I just don't know what to do, i love this girl and believe she loves me, i mean she talks about some pretty heavy and serious stuff sometimes about us moving in together and the future etc. But this issue with her ex has been a thorn in the side of our relationshiup since day 1.

[JimJ]

I should also point out that she has said that she feels bad/selfish for still wanting to see him.

[upsetnhurt]

Jim,

 

Be very careful here. You are probably thinking that by being a nice guy, she will finally determine that she has no need to see her ex eventually. It won't work! You will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your relationship, not knowing if any little arguement or anytime that she has on her own, that she will be thinking about the "what ifs" with her ex rather than you. It's so not worth it. The other side is that you are going to be extremely heartbroken when one day she tells you that she just can't commit 100% to you and is unsure why.........I learned the hard way as I fell in love with a girl like that. It broke my heart and for some reason my heart is still broken a year plus later. She may not have intent but the end result will occur. Nip it in the bud for your sake and hers.

[JimJ]

It's like she can't understand why i hate her seeing him so much.

 

She says he's her friend and friends are important and she said to him that she would still be his friend even though they broke up and now she feels she's going back on her word.

[GreenX]

(I originally posted this as guest - grats me on not logging in! )

 

Jim.. please pull your head outta the water before you drown!

 

Seriously.. you said yourself that she was the one to break it off with him - she has no feelings for him in that way - that doesn't mean he dropped his feelings for her. 8 Years is a very long time compared to 5 months.

 

You said she is talking heavy stuff with you, i.e., moving in together, the future - this is just talk. You have to remember that she had all of that with the ex, they were beyond talking. If she can't let go of their so-called 'friendship' then she isn't ready to move on from it herself.

 

5 months is like a 'break' from their relationship. I'm sorry to say, but I think she is using you as the rebound. Granted, she may very well like you (I doubt love, but hey, its possible) - if she cared so much about you, why in the world would she give two cow dungs about seeing her ex still?

 

Know what I think? I think you have qualities that her ex lacked which makes her want to be with you, but I think her ex also has qualities that she still liked.. you're both a balance of the perfect guy - she gets something from the both of you.

 

Now that you let her know you don't want her being friends with the ex, and she agreed to it (at least in front of your face) she will be pouty, miserable, depressed, because she is not getting her way.

 

In time this will all crumble to the ground beneath you. This is your first serious relationship.. as cheesey as the saying is 'there's plenty of fish in the sea' - its true. I wouldn't put your future, wants, desires, dreams on hold for this girl just yet. Play the field a little more.

 

For what its worth, I hope things turn out positive for you in the end - you learn something from this situation and get someone who loves you and only you in the end.

[oppath]

I was going to post again and say we should be more supportive, because otherwise we'll create a self fulfilling prophecy where the relationship is sure to fail and him be hurt.

 

From my own experiences, true, when I'm ready for a relationship, I will never again date someone just out of a relationship. My ex told me she loved me, told me she thought I was the guy she was going to marry, etc, but she didn't tell her ex of 5 years about me. He ended up proposing to her 2 weeks before she dumped me. She didn't tell me about it. BURNED to the max when I found this out. I had plenty of chances to put my foot down -- I was proud of myself for being assertive enough to say "you need to tell him about me if you are going to be friends" -- but I wasn't strong enough to truly put my foot down and recognize: SHE HADN'T MOVED ON ENOUGH. Even though she dumped him, and was not going to get back together with him, she wasn't detached enough to be with me, despite the things she told me. I have no doubt she loved many things about me, but I was also very different than her ex. I was much more educated; I was recognized and accomplished within my field of work; etc. But "he was her best friend" and that was important to her.

 

I understand that. In fact, I do believe, that in TIME, ex's can be friends. Not right away, however; even if it was a mutual breakup, I believe both people should have a couple months of NO CONTACT to sever attachments. And basically, I don't feel ex's should hang out one-on-one as friends if they are in new relationships unless they'd be comfortable meeting the new person as a friend. Otherwise, group situations only, the occasional email and call. Bottom line is this: her best friends, you should be able to meet them. Any of them. Including an ex, if they are just friends.

 

Rebounds are what we label it when we get burned. Every relationship is a rebound in a sense from the last, even with time. However, it is very rare for the first relationship after a serious one to work IF it happens right away. It's rare enough for a relationship to work period. Since this is your first real relationship, you are particularly vulnerable. No doubt you are confused.

 

I'm really torn what to tell you. I'm not going to tell you to break it off with her. All I can say is assert boundaries, and don't let her label you insecure or jealous or possessive for asserting them. Distance your heart just a little. And if you aren't getting your needs met, call the relationship off. don't hold on if you aren't getting what you want and feel disrespected just because it's your first real relationship. If you aren't getting what you want after expressing to her your needs, tell her you aren't getting what you want and that the relationship is over.

 

That said, don't throw in the towel. Don't create a self fulfilling prophecy where it is gauranteed to fail because everyone here says it will. No-one can predict the future. No-one can read minds. But trust with your eyes open. If she lies at all about seeing him, even lying by omission, dump her. You know how you want to be treated, and just because this is your first relationship doesn't mean you don't know what is and is not acceptable. It is acceptable to be friends with an ex, but you should still come first, and nothing should be hidden about it.

 

I've been miserable since my breakup; I was hurt bad. I don't want anyone to experience that pain. It's your first real relationship, so you made the choice to become involved with someone just out of a LTR. Probably not the best decision. This is pretty common for late bloomers. They often get in this situation. No matter what happens, see this as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. It might work out. I would suggest counseling. And I would suggest reading a book on assertion so you are confident in expressing your needs and boundaries. This is a great chance to learn those skills.

 

What I would say is "I understand you want to remain friends with him, he was an important part of your life and surely a wonderful person if you were with him for so long. But I feel uncomfortable. I want to meet all the important people in your life because you are important to me. This includes your ex; I understand if that would be too weird and if emotions on his end are too raw. If that is the case, I still want you to be friends with him, but I'd like you both to give each other more space so he can truly heal."

[JimJ]

Thanks again for the feedback.

 

I've spoken with her today and after abit of an argument she said that she was sorry and that she wouldn't let this be a problem again.

 

I know she's upset and doesn't like it, she said that she chose me because she loves me and she's doing it to make me happy.

 

I kinda feel like the bad guy in a way, but i think that's just because of her reaction to things and the fact that i love her and don't want to hurt her. I stick to my guns though and i don't think that i'm out of line with what i'm asking of her.

[JimJ]

Seriously though am I out of line for asking this of her?

 

Should this whole thing be this much of an issue?

 

It feels like even though we've come to this agreement, because of all the drama and the fact that it took so long to get to this stage means that there's likely to be some degree of resentment and anger between us. I'm hoping that will diminish over time but stil, this is something that's going to stay at the back of my mind, and likely hers too, for some time yet.

[upsetnhurt]

Jim,

 

What is it that you like about this girl?

[Jack'a]

Sigh... My ex told me throughout the relationship that she misses her ex, was wondering what he was up to... and miss hanging out with him... and she did... she would hang out with him and then would tell me a few weeks later... it sucked.. it caused arguments.. and... guess who she ran to when she breaks up with me.. her ex... who did she go to for advice.. her ex...

it's funny that her ex was a player.. he was also dating other girls when she was with him... I tried to be friends with him.. and talked a few times... and he said straight to my face that "I'm only hanging out with ******** because i wanna get with her friend, to be honest, i dun give a f**k about her.. " of course i didn't tell my ex.. because she made it clear that he was one of her closest friends... life is funny....

[JimJ]

Jim,

 

What is it that you like about this girl?

 

I love her, it's like things would be so great and perfect if it wasn't for this issue with her ex... i've said that to her and she agrees... unfortunately it doesn't change her view on it though.

 

I think she feels compelled to stay in touch with him because he has no real close friends or family, like she was everything to him, and i guess he was closest to her because she lives in a different city to the rest of her family and her only real friends are her work colleagues. Even though she broke up with him she also said that she'd remain his friend and she doesn't like to go back on her word.

 

There's no easy fix it seems. Why oh why couldn't they have broken up and bad terms and hate eachother?!

 

This is my 1st serious relationship and i'm trying my best. I wouldn't still be in this relationship if i didn't think she was worth the effort.

[stace79]

I can relate to you a TON. Some of your posts sound exactly like what I've said myself. My current bf was with his ex for nearly five years. He had a serious illness and she was supportive for him through that. She was his first love, etc. When he graduated college (she was still a junior), he wanted a serious commitment that she wasn't ready for (still isn't apparently).

 

He met me and we started dating casually. He told me about her and that he still cared for her a lot and saw her sometimes. Finally he decided he cared more for me, she wasn't fulfilling his needs so we started dating exclusively. Three months, everything was pretty good. We even took a week long vacation together.

 

Around the holidays, he started missing her more, and she started putting pressure on him, calling and saying she missed him, etc. He broke up with me shortly after New Year's because he couldn't handle it.

 

Finally about three or four months later, he came to me and said he loves me, he misses me, she was right for him when they were in school but not now, etc.

 

Anyway I had good reason to not trust him or her. I finally told him three things required for us to get a second chance:

1. He had to stop contact with her. No emails, no phone calls, and especially no visits.

2. If she DID contact him, I wanted him to tell me about it immediately.

3. I was worried about her showing up unannounced, so he promised if that ever happened, she wouldn't be allowed in his house. If necessary he would go somewhere public with her, but more than likely tell her to leave.

 

I didn't think he would ever go along with this, but surprisingly he said he is pursuing me, and what's important is making me feel comfortable, even though he says nothing inappropriate goes on in their phone convos. (They don't really see each other ever because she lives in another city about an hour away)

 

Anyway...it doesn't matter if it's innocent or not. Your gf should be willing to do whatever it takes (within reason) to make you secure. By holding onto him, it's like she has one foot half out the door of your relationship. Like she's leaving the door open for another opportunity. It's unfair to you.

 

I had to brace myself for the potential that my bf could say no to my demands. But he said yes because I am important to him. I hope this works out for your best interests.

[BlackSwan]

I love her, it's like things would be so great and perfect if it wasn't for this issue with her ex... i've said that to her and she agrees... unfortunately it doesn't change her view on it though.

 

I think she feels compelled to stay in touch with him because he has no real close friends or family, like she was everything to him, and i guess he was closest to her because she lives in a different city to the rest of her family and her only real friends are her work colleagues. Even though she broke up with him she also said that she'd remain his friend and she doesn't like to go back on her word.

 

There's no easy fix it seems. Why oh why couldn't they have broken up and bad terms and hate eachother?!

 

This is my 1st serious relationship and i'm trying my best. I wouldn't still be in this relationship if i didn't think she was worth the effort.

 

My ex told me he had broken up with his girlfriend, but he actually had not. Do not underestimate the hold he has on her, especially after a very long relationship. She feels compelled to stay in touch with him because she FEELS for him. As long as she feels for him, she has less room to feel for you. It's a zero sum game, sorry to say.