Attempting to come to grips. . .questions

[Thackery]

Hello,

 

First post. My story is as follows. . . Married 14 years, together 20. No kids. The past 6 years have been challenging and the wife has cried divorce a few times. She took a job in another city approximately 5 hours away 1 year ago. The plan was to be there a year and then back together. . . needless to say, that did not work out. We are now planning our divorce. Talked about it before, but now definitely WILL happen. Neither of us have been unfaithful, there is no venom, and actually we still have a very cordial relationship. This was her idea, and although I think we could have worked on things, I cannot do ALL the work, so have subscribed to the finality of the marriage. My questions are this: I still completely love the chick, and would do anything to save the relationship. There are many things that she would need to address, and she obviously chooses not to. My brain knows that it is over, but trying to explain that to the heart and emotions is another story. How do I get past this point? I have begun packing up her things in the house, as we are going to sell. We have agreed on how things are going to be settled, so it will actually be a pretty easy process on paper. . . not for me emotionally though. I have realized that talking with her is like picking a scab, so have decided to use email only. Main problem is that we have a business together that we will be keeping. Her as an absentee owner, me with day to day operations. I have started counseling, and have had progress, but need assistance on how to focus on me and how to STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. For goodness sake, I have essentially been separated for one year, but these feelings suck. I have the (I assume) normal financial fears, and the,at 38, how am I going to find anybody to spend the rest of my life with. Is time the only thing to get past this? I have been going out a little, running, reading, ect. But just seem to be stuck. Can't keep HER from popping into my head constantly. Why does EVERYTHING remind me of her. . .

 

Sorry for rambling, and thanks in advance for any help!!

[mymatchmaker]

Hi Thackery,

In my opinion, you have done nothing wrong. You two have been together for 20 years, it is very hard to forget the 20 years of being together with your wife. Look at it this way, you are 38 now. If you live til 80 or longer, you have at least 42 years left. You can potentally spend 40 something years with someone else that you love even more. Look at this as your second chance, not the end of your marriage. Of course, if you think you can save your marriage, you should definitely try since you still love this woman.

 

But be careful, your wife is your partner of your business, things can get difficult later.

 

Take care.

Mymatchmaker

[TXButterfly]

Hi Thackery,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sounds very similar to my deal, I own a business with my STBXH, and he was the one who initiated the D. More and more each day I'm on board with it b/c why be with someone who doesn't love you back?! We're both really active in our business so I think that is making things really hard for us, perhaps it will be easier for you since your W is more removed. I hope so. It is too messy when you love AND work with the same person, right?? I will NEVER EVER do that again. It's sooo complicated. I wish you luck and wisdom in resolving this part of your ordeal. If you have any good advice during your journey please share!

 

Regarding the feelings and coping: One thing I think I'm starting to realize already is that feelings are temporary. They're like waves on the beach. They roll in (or crash in!), then fade away. They come back in again, then fade away. One minute I feel like I can't breathe, the next I start feeling better and hey!....even seeing the possibilities and a vision for my future. Just have faith (in God, in yourself, in whatever) and that will pull you through. When I'm having a crying jag I just ride it out...surf the wave...and pray really hard. Then I find myself calm down and feeling a bit better. So it's fleeting. If you KNOW to expect that, when the bad waves come you can be more prepared to fight through them. I expect it only gets easier with time. The bad ones come and you know you've surfed those kind before so you grab your board & hop on!

 

I don't think you'll have trouble meeting anyone...38 isn't anything to worry about. I'm 32 and would date someone 38 - not that I'm ready or anything, haha - but I just don't think you should worry about your age. It's more about the person than their age (at least for me and prob a lot of other women that would eventually just want to find a good guy!) Besides, you're a man so you could find someone younger & still have a family if that's what you want. For women (well for me) being in my 30's scares me that I won't find someone in time to still have a baby but you won't have that same worry if you could go younger I guess. When you ARE ready I've heard eHarmony is very good. I know several people (ages 20-50!) who've found the loves of their life there

 

Good luck, you will be ok. You loved fully, with your whole heart right? Sounds like it to me. Lots of women have been with guys that aren't affectionate, or emotionally available, or all kinds of other issues...you sound like a good guy so you're already ahead of the game. Well I assume so from your post, I don't really know you of course! LOL

 

good luck!

[quiet1one1]

Sounds to me like your doing everything you need to do and feeling everything you need to feel. It's a grieving process you must go through. The good news? You've been apart awhile already and you apparently had some knowledge this could be coming so trust me when I tell you, you're WAY ahead of the game. All the usual and obvious stuff really does work...join a gym, start a new hobby, reconnect with lost friends or interests, etc. Get and stay busy (outside of your business-life that is).

 

You hit the nail on the head when you wrote, "I cannot do ALL the work". It's unfortunate in that it requires both partners to want to give it a chance but it only takes one to want to quit.

 

Try to stay away from her as much as possible. If it helps you, the email only is a good idea. My IC says that D is worse than death because with D the other person is still physically on this earth and are likely still in and out of your life.

 

You will be OK...really. Good luck and keep posting.

[dgiirl]

Is time the only thing to get past this?

 

Time AND effort. You can sit there for years pining away for a lost love, and unless you put in the effort you will never heal. It does sound like you are putting in the effort tho! Keeping active and attending other parts of your life are very good ways to recover! Now you just need to put in some time. It's ok to grieve for a while, but if you find yourself dwelling too much, then you need to actively refocus your thoughts to healthier thoughts.

 

I love TXB's analogy! And it's very true. You'll often hear it described as a roller coaster of emotions. In the beginning, you feel these intense lows, and then intense highs. But as time passes, they become less frequent and start to level out. In the dark times, I got comfort from knowing that if I was able to smile yesterday for a split second, then if given enough time, I will be able to smile in the future again.

 

Also, watch your internal dialogue. During times like these, you have to be your best friend! Would you really tell your best friend (let alone enemy) that he'll never find anyone to love again because he's "old" at the age of 38? Hell no! If you want to heal faster, you need to get your self esteem back up, and the best way to do that is to watch what you say to yourself!

[Thackery]

First let me say thank you for the replies! It is very refreshing and comforting to be able to "lay it out" and have people that you do not know give you advice and comfort! VERY NICE!!

 

As I said, I have accepted what is happening/going to happen. Not sure if it makes it easier, but I have a choice to accept or deny, and for my benefit I know which is best. My thoughts of "finding someone" etc, are the ones that I do not want to have. I actually need (have) to focus on myself to determine what I actually want/need/desire. That part is challenging, but something that I am attempting to accomplish.

 

To TXButterfly: It is comforting to know that someone is going through a similar situation as myself. I am very sorry that you are dealing with a business and a potential divorce, as I know that it sucks big time! I admire you greatly for being able to work together during this. . . don't think I could do that. Sounds like you are VERY strong. It is so challenging to even attempt to separate feelings, but time takes care of this. . . or so I have heard! And by the way, thanks for the comments about 38 not being old!!! Made my day!! You also said that I sounded like a good guy--thanks, I think so. . . Ironically enough, the STBX says the same thing: still thinks I am great, foxy (in her words) and she even said that this would be easier if I was a jerk. . . But, "unfortunately" I am not :-)

 

To quiet1one1: You are very correct when you say that being apart from her for a year has made it easier. I am potentially thinking that she may have done this to help me face the Divore, as I would have been a basket case otherwise! And if this is the case, I think I appreciate it?? Not sure

 

To Dgiirl: thanks for the internal voice info. I do "listen" to that voice and I will begin to reprogram immediately!

 

Again, I appreciate everyone's help/advice and concern. I have a great support system here, but I think they get tired of me talking about things. . . which is understandable.

 

The main thing that I need to do, is to (as I said before) determine what "I" need. I think my last 20 years have been based upon the happiness of my wife. . . If she was happy I thought I was, and vice versa. not sure what makes me happy now (if you know what I mean). Then my thoughts of when will I find someone come to the forefront. I know that I need to be happy personally and then proceede. . . how do you know or when do you know that you are "happy" with yourself and do not rely on another to "be happy"? Probably a loaded question, but interested in replies!

 

Thanks again all!!!

[quiet1one1]

To quiet1one1: I am potentially thinking that she may have done this to help me face the Divore, as I would have been a basket case otherwise! And if this is the case, I think I appreciate it?? Not sure

 

That could very well be the case. I believe my W may be doing a similar thing to me. Can you appreciate it? Probably not now. Sometime later though you will be stronger, there will be less of a fog, and then probably you'll see it more clearly.

[dgiirl]

how do you know or when do you know that you are "happy" with yourself and do not rely on another to "be happy"? Probably a loaded question, but interested in replies!

 

Honestly, when you no longer need to ask these questions Also, when you reach the point of reallying loving your single life and not wanting anyone to come in and mess that up. Which usually follows with you meeting someone and falling in love

 

You're going to do just fine! You're asking the right questions, you know logically everything will be fine, it's just getting your heart to understand it too. You're in the grieving process right now, and it's a good thing. Right now, you're single, and you have time to grieve. Get all those emotions out so that when you ARE ready to date, you dont have to deal with these emotions too.

[Curmudgeon]

. . . how do you know or when do you know that you are "happy" with yourself and do not rely on another to "be happy"? Probably a loaded question, but interested in replies!

 

You know you're happy with yourself when you reach the point of actually enjoying your own company.

 

As for the rest, 38 ain't old! I was 48 when my former marriage of 25 years ended. I've done just fine since and am actually happier and much better off now than I ever was during all those years. I remarried at 50 and the difference between a relationship that began young and hormonal and a relationship that began as mature is striking. I decidedly prefer the latter!

[Gunny376]

You'll know when you take personal responsibility for your life and your own personal happiness. When you and you alone define your life and your own personal happiness.

 

As Curmudgeon said, when you refuse to be a slave to your hormones, and to the expectations of society, our cultural myths, fallacies, beliefs, and others.

 

You'll know when you come to realize that most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. My own personal happiness isn't dependent upon someone else ~ that's my responsibility ~ not someone's else.

 

Regardless of wheather someone chooses to be a part of my life? Doesn't determine my personal happines in and with life! They have simply choosen not to continue to be a part of my life ~ their loss ~ not mine!

 

I'm not egotistical ~ although to some I would appear so, and I'm not perfect ~ but there are parts of me that are pretty awesome! The rest I'm working on! Everyday and in everyway!

[quiet1one1]

You know you're happy with yourself when you reach the point of actually enjoying your own company.

 

As for the rest, 38 ain't old! I was 48 when my former marriage of 25 years ended. I've done just fine since and am actually happier and much better off now than I ever was during all those years. I remarried at 50 and the difference between a relationship that began young and hormonal and a relationship that began as mature is striking. I decidedly prefer the latter!

 

My thanks go to you Curmudgeon! I am 46 and and after 25 years of M we will (probably) be divorcing within the year. Your words give me hope.

[Thackery]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. Some great advice and really hits home to work on myself first and let everything else "happen". Glad to hear as well "success" stories of people that have been down this road and have made it to a healthier, happier relationship. I know that my current marriage is not happy and really does not have any potential to be happy, but as most understand--letting go is challenging. I am making it through the days pretty well, as I have much going on. The hardest part is communicating with the STBX regarding the house sale, dividing assets, etc. I just completly get stressed, heart races, etc., when I have to do this type of communication. I am assuming that it gets easier (at least I hope so), but right now, not so much. I try to look at it as a business transaction, which really is what it is. I know that is how she is viewing it, but those fricken' emotions keep getting in the way.

 

Have tried Gunny's "head shakin" and "you are not living in my head rent free" and that seems to work a lot of the time. If nothing else, it makes me smile at myself. . . which is always good!

 

Still going back to the "time and effort" post by dgiirl. . . The time will happen--nothing I can to do speed it up or slow it down. The effort is what I need to work on, as I have all the control in the world over that!!

 

A final question: Any tricks or tips on how to really "force" yourself to enjoy your time that you are making for yourself. I don't mean that I do not enjoy going out, etc. But I tend to have the moments of reflection when out with friends or couples that tend to set me back a little. Is it just "fake it till you make it?" Don't get me wrong-- I am not a complete case here, just need to do things for myself, (which I am doing) but need to actually ENJOY THEM AND APPRECIATE THE EXPERIENCES!! Easier said than done for me, i suppose.

 

Lots of rambling, but I feel better when I "put it on paper"

 

Thanks, guys!!

[sumdude]

A final question: Any tricks or tips on how to really "force" yourself to enjoy your time that you are making for yourself. I don't mean that I do not enjoy going out, etc. But I tend to have the moments of reflection when out with friends or couples that tend to set me back a little. Is it just "fake it till you make it?" Don't get me wrong-- I am not a complete case here, just need to do things for myself, (which I am doing) but need to actually ENJOY THEM AND APPRECIATE THE EXPERIENCES!! Easier said than done for me, i suppose.

 

Lots of rambling, but I feel better when I "put it on paper"

 

Thanks, guys!!

 

Fake it till you make it ... that's about the size of it... If you've seen the movie "Finding Nemo" think of the fish that says "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.." One day you'll be swimming hard as ever only to find you're already there ... one of Gunny's posts summed that up really well.

[dgiirl]

Fake it till you make it ... that's about the size of it... If you've seen the movie "Finding Nemo" think of the fish that says "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.." One day you'll be swimming hard as ever only to find you're already there ... one of Gunny's posts summed that up really well.

 

I agree. Just fake it till you make it. Often, during breakups, we just want to go hide in our beds under the covers and never come out. We dont have the energy nor feel like doing anything. The WORSE you can do is stay at home because you dont "feel" like it. If friends invite you out, make a point of going out, even if you dont FEEL like it. You'll soon realize that you were actually happy you forced yourself to do them.

[Thackery]

Thanks sumdude! Have not seen Finding Nemo, but get the gist of your post. That is pretty much what I have been doing. As everyone knows, it IS easy at times, and almost impossible at others!

 

Had my counselor meeting today. Pretty enlightening. Got into some details about myself that I really did not realize and have begun to focus upon why I cannot take all the blame for the dissolution of the marriage. Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I am under the (potentially misguided) impression that the STBX feels that I am majorly responsible for the end and I feel that I shoulder most of the blame. . . I know that a marriage is 50/50 give or take, but getting past what "I should have done" or what "I could have done" to make it better has proved challenging. Oh well, time will tell. I think that someone mentioned it before, but the "reminiscing" type feelings of certain "great" times with the STBX still pop into the noggin, but they don't seem to be lasting as long. Told my C that I do actually wish the STBX the best and want her to be happy. . . .that only of course after a year of her being miserable about the decision that she made!!! Not being vindictive, just wanting to share the hurt. . . Hey, I am a giver! I even have begun to pack up her things and get them organized. Giving her the photos and other memories make me feel better. One, I do not want them, and two whenever she decides to go through her boxes of stuff, I want her to reflect on the past and what she let go of. . . That I also want to bring a little bit of hurt to her. . .my counselor says I need to go through the anger stage, as I have seemed to skipped it. Getting better at it, I would say!

 

Thanks for reading.. . .very theraputic to write down.

[Thackery]

Thanks as well dgiirl. I posted before I read your reply. . . I have been going out as much as possible. Interestingly enough, I was asked to go out with some friends and hesitated and said that I would pass. . . then thought to myself "what the hell else am I doing?" So I went out and had a blast! Need to keep that mindset!

[Curmudgeon]

Giving her the photos and other memories make me feel better. One, I do not want them, and two whenever she decides to go through her boxes of stuff, I want her to reflect on the past and what she let go of. . . That I also want to bring a little bit of hurt to her.

 

when you achieve the blessed state of indifference where she's concerned.

 

Something that worked for me and hastened the healing process was living like a monk and using recall and reflection to look hard at my part in the death of the marriage, and trust me, my faults were legion. I figured out what they were, admitted them, confronted them, dealt with them and laid them to rest. It was made easier by the lack of proximity of the ex or anyone else. It was just me dealing with me.

 

In the end I decided there were a number of changes I had to make in myself and I set about doing so. I also came up with a number of resolutions and some absolute requirements if I was ever to enter into another relationship; something I really doubted would happen.

 

It was only following that process that I really began to like me and it was some time later before I figured I was ready for a social life again.

 

Granted, what worked for me won't work for everyone else but perhaps it's something worth thinking about.

 

By the way, here I am 13 years later and still a work in progress!

[Curmudgeon]

My thanks go to you Curmudgeon! I am 46 and and after 25 years of M we will (probably) be divorcing within the year. Your words give me hope.

 

By way of another comparison, my wife divorced her ex at 30, tried dating for a few years, decided it was too much trouble and stayed single for a total of 18. At 48 she'd pretty much decided she'd remain single, unattached and without a social life, except for spending occasional time with some old girlfriends, for the rest of her days.

 

We'd met at work five years before I asked her out and had an appropriate work friendship that helped her to trust me when I did ask her for a date. Since we no longer worked together or for the same agency we were both comfortable sharing brunch at the beach (a couple of hours away) and a short day trip together. There was no romance or romantic feelings for one another involved. We were just a couple of friends who admired and respected one another spending a bit of time together.

 

For the record, we were married two months later!

[Lost_in_TN]

Thackery,

Hang in there brother, in time you'll be fine. I'm 38 as well, and can relate to your situation very well. The past 5 years of my life have been a rollercoaster ride for sure. But I think the ride is over, and I am bound and determined to start healing, and making better choices in life.

 

I am having problems with the "getting out" part. If I do go out with friends for dinner, or whatever, I too find myself reflecting back on times with the Ex, or just have empty feelings that hinder me from having a good time.

 

I really DO NOT want to start doing the bar and club scene again. There were nights in the past (back in '05) that we worth it, but there were also nights that it just made the reality of everything even harder to deal with. Simply put, if I went out and got a little play from a woman or two it'd pump me up and make me feel good. But if I had a dry run, man it'd just crush me and make going home to an empty house just brutal.

 

All of that was probably due to the fact that I just wasn't where I needed to be personally. But now I look at it differently. Whether or not I am where I need to be as a person won't dictate hitting the clubs and bars. Wasting my hard earned money on booze, and creating a situation where I might be behind the wheel after drinking will keep me out of the clubs. Maybe if I can honestly say I can go have a good time regardless of whether I get any action or not, and have a DD, I might go. I just don't want that to be what my life is on the weekends I don't have my son.

 

Reading all of the replies on this thread give me a lot of hope, because I'd be lying if I didn't say that I have had thoughts of "My life is over, and I'll never find someone to have a solid loving relationship with". Those thoughts run through my head on an hourly basis at this point.

 

But again, all the replies on this thread are awesome. It gives me hope, and lets me know there are some really good people still out there that have compassion for others.

[sumdude]

The best advice I get around here is pretty simple. You have to get to where you are totally comfortable with yourself before you can get comfortable with anyone else. If you walk around looking for contentment and happiness to come from the outside you will always be disappointed. You can try to look for it in other people, possessions, booze, drugs, sex on and on and eventually you find it's all empty without that inner satisfaction. The same goes for blaming your unhappiness on others too... Learning to be in control of your own life and emotional health is the real lesson in life.

[Lost_in_TN]

The best advice I get around here is pretty simple. You have to get to where you are totally comfortable with yourself before you can get comfortable with anyone else. If you walk around looking for contentment and happiness to come from the outside you will always be disappointed. You can try to look for it in other people, possessions, booze, drugs, sex on and on and eventually you find it's all empty without that inner satisfaction. The same goes for blaming your unhappiness on others too... Learning to be in control of your own life and emotional health is the real lesson in life.

 

Extremely well put, you hit the nail on the head with that reply!!!

[Thackery]

Thanks guys!!

 

To sumdude--you have condensed things down into a easy to understand paragraph. . .something that I will definitely refer back to! Very helpful and TRUE!!! My goal is to be comfortable with myself. I have spent the last number of years attempting to make another happy and base my happiness on that. . .not healthy. I am guessing that it will take me a while to "re-find" what I want/need and desire. . .

 

To lost in TN--Thanks for the post! I agree on the bar scene. A little depressing although somewhat enjoyable to watch the "pickup attempts" of others. And at 38(although that is NOT old) I do feel a little out of place. Makes it easier when there is a group of us around the same age. Not really my bag on an every weekend basis, but I have a buddy in a band, and go out to see him periodically. I am having similar thoughts (as I have shared) of my concern with finding another, but I also know that even if she was right in front of me, right now, I would not be ready personally to handle things. I need to get my "stuff" together and be cool with myself. Once that happens, I will be an even bigger catch!! (gotta pump myself up a little!)

 

You are correct about the people that post here. Very compassionate and overall possess a wealth of very useful advice. . .makes dealing with this much more bearable. . .not sure how I would be feeling without this board.

 

You say you have been on a rollercoaster for 5 years. In what way? My situation was a rollercoaster also. Lots of "signs" over the past 5-7 years, but I chose to ignore them. Bad idea, but I thought that I could SAVE our marriage and make everything better. Unfortunately, it takes two that are interested in making that happen. Of course, she claimed that "she tried" but as I look back, I don't see much trying on her part. Maybe when the "fog" lifts a little more, it will be more clear. At any rate, I have accepted what will be, but as you stated, I still have hourly good and bad thoughts that run through my head. The good thing is that the "goodtime" memories do not last as long as they did a week ago. Baby steps, right!??

 

Thanks again, everyone!!

[Lost_in_TN]

Thackery,

There are some big holes as far as time goes, but this is a thread I started back in '05. I googled what I thought was my user name here and it found this thread!!! Plus I remembered my password!!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t66634/

 

I don't intend on wasting anymore of my life thinking that this woman is going to wake up one day and miraculously change. She has some deep issues and has proven time and time again that she can lie and steal without feeling the least bit guilty. I deserve better, and I am trying to heal as you are, and like you, if the woman of my dreams fell in my lap today I'd have to send her on her merry way because I've got to get myself sorted out first.

[Thackery]

Lost in TN,

 

Checked your thread out, and you have been through a lot!

 

,

I deserve better, and I am trying to heal as you are, and like you, if the woman of my dreams fell in my lap today I'd have to send her on her merry way because I've got to get myself sorted out first.

 

You are exactly right that you deserve to be happy, as we all do. The challenging part is getting there and beginning to believe everyday that we are/will be better off than what we were in our marriages. I know that I chose to look the other way when I saw signs of things not working. Eventually drug the inevitable out an extra few years. Do I regret that? Yes. . . do I regret the marriage? Heck no. That made me what I am today. I learned both good and bad and will continue to hone these things and learn more as I age. I still WANT to "end up" with someone, but want do not want to feel that I HAVE to be with someone to be happy. Curmudgeon and his wife are a great example of 2 people that were happy alone and are now happy together. . .I am greatly looking forward to that. Whether it happens in 2 years or 20, I will hold out for the right one. Thought I had the right one before (and at the time, I think/know she was), but maturity and other things changed each of us, and here I am.

 

So now I am getting ready to head to a softball game and then attend an outdoor concert with some friends. This one I am actually excited about. I like the outdoor events and it is not too hot tonight. Plus it gets me out of the house and I don't think about the stbx as much. . . at least that is the plan.

 

Hope everyone is doing as well as possible.

 

Thanks again,

 

Thackery

[Lost_in_TN]

thackery,

I hope you have a good time at the concert. I've got my son this weekend and we have some things planned. I hope it all helps to take my mind off my troubles a bit. I do pretty good during the day when my mind is occupied, or I have people in my office. It's the evening when things start to get rough for me, and the nights have been the pits. I'm no stranger to this, but that doesn't help me any. In fact I think it makes it worse because I actually know how bad it's gonna hurt.

 

I've got a myriad of thoughts and emotions going on right now. When I get time I think I'll start a thread and give a little more info on this last episode.

 

I can certainly relate with you on the ignoring the signs. I think I wrote the book of ignoring signs. It's tough to love someone that was as messed up as my ex was. Man it was hard when I knew I was going to have to say or do something that she wasn't going to like. I even got to the point where I let most things just slide by thinking "what's the use, it'll just lead to a bunch of tention". Very seldom could I reach her in hard times, mostly I got shut out, and had to deal with someone that seemed to have NO regard for my feelings whatsoever.

 

I'll be glad when I can move on, and not think about her every few minutes of the day. She's moved right along to another guy, and they both work where I work. It makes my situation extremely hard. It'd be much better if I knew there wasn't a possibility of bumping into the new lovebirds. I literally walk around like I've got blinders on because I DO NOT want to see them all hugged up. I know it's happening, a good friend warned me to avoid certain areas at certain times or I was sure to see it.

 

It F'n sux I tell ya, and it takes a heartless person with a lot of nerve to do that.