Attempting to come to grips. . .questions

[Thackery]

Ok, finished the softball game and got the crap kicked out of us. . .but hey, it is church league and is only for fun, right?. . . Now heading out to "have fun" and not think about stbx and divorce. . .but. . .

 

I emailed her this morning telling her that aside from major decisions regarding the house, business, etc. I wanted no contact with her. I will still be a business partner going into the future, and think that I can do this, but have to get past the point of NOT being her married partner. Told her that I needed this "no contact" to focus on me and not be reminded of the past. . .kinda like when SHE moved away last year, "to get her head straight". Told her that I am doing everything that I can to keep the business at the high standard that we have built it up to be and she should not be concerned (and I am sure she is not). But what happens tonight??? I get a fricken email from her. . .not an important one either. I suppose it is a control thing, but really irritates me. Should not let it, but I do. Oh well, got to get past it and have a fun evening.

 

Thanks for reading my babbling.

 

Thackery

[Thackery]

Lost in TN,

 

I must have posted at the same time as you last evening. . .sorry.

 

I hope you have a GREAT time with your son this weekend! I am sure that he will enjoy all of it!!

 

I do pretty good during the day when my mind is occupied, or I have people in my office. It's the evening when things start to get rough for me, and the nights have been the pits. I'm no stranger to this, but that doesn't help me any. In fact I think it makes it worse because I actually know how bad it's gonna hurt. .

 

I am definitely with you on this. No matter how much I attempt to "get on board" with things, I still have some MAJOR times of hurting. They do not last too long, so that is a plus, but when they hit they really suck!!!

 

I also understand when you mention that it was hard to bring certain things up, knowing how your sig other would react. I was always wanting to do some remodeling around the house. Unfortunately she was not around (living in another city) and I knew that everytime I brought an idea up, she would be "less than excited about it". Tough for me to want to improve the house, and it turned out that she knew "that we were not going to make it" at that time and said that she could not get excited about home improvements herself, knowing this. . . another sign I missed. . oh well.

 

I sympathize with you in your situation at work. I am having a challenging enough time just being a business partner with her, and she is 5 hours from me. Can't imagine what you are dealing with....obviously, you are pretty tough!! But, as everyone tells us on this board, we WILL get through it. . . .time is the variable (and EFFORT, thanks to dgiirl). Some longer and some shorter. Hopefully, I will be on the shorter end. . . I am definitely doing things that are helping me go forward in my life. It still VERY MUCH sucks, but I am banking on what I am doing now will hasten my recovery time! That is the plan anyway!

 

Again, have a good weekend with your son!!

[Lost_in_TN]

Thanks for the positive words, they help for sure. We'll get through this for sure, it's just going to take some time. I guess most people face the same demons when stuff like this happens. My mind wants to wander and think about all the good things my Ex did for me, and I know that I shouldn't beat myself up like that. I need to focus on all the things she did that kept me a bundle of nerves. I always want to see the good in people, and maybe ignore the bad. In this situation though, I need to realize that the good does not outweigh the bad. If we were right for each other, a lot of things that have happened would've never happened. Also, if she was truly a good person she could've never done some of the things that she did. Not only did she do them, she did them and never really showed any signs of remorse. I don't need someone like that in my life.

 

I hope my weekend with my son is a good one, we both could use it for sure. May you have a good one as well !!!

[Gunny376]

I've scanned this thread ~ didn't read it all ~ didn't have to.

 

Why? Maybe I'm further down the trail in my thinking ~ but I could give a damn if I'm ever in another relationship, let alone married again.

 

Being with someone doesn't define me and my life and who and what I and my life is about. The right person comes along, they would only commpliment and enhance what I've got going on in and with my life, they wouldn't become my life ~ simply somone by my side that shares my journey.

 

One of the greatest things that ever happened to me was the day my XW called it quits and walked out of my life ~ sure I went through the pain, the heartache, the heartbreak, the suffering ~ but I eventually crawled out from under the bus she threw me under, brushed myself off and moved on. Now, there's not a woman on the planet I can't and won't walk away from in a heartbeat, given a good reason.

 

Anymore its not what I've got to offer some woman, its what some woman's got to offer ME?! If that comes across as my thinking that I'm all that and then some ~ so be it. But, before I go investing a lot of time, effort, energy, and money into some gal ~ I want and need to know what she's bringing to the table? I know what I'm bringing to the table, and what I've got to offer. The days of my bringing everything to the party, and someo woman just bringing herself are over.

 

Like I said one of the best things that ever happened to me was the day the XW walked ~ it didn't break me ~ it made me stronger! It made me a better person, and a better man. I learned from it ~ I grew from it!

[Thackery]

GUNNY---As usual, A LOT of great info and advice!! I can only hope to be where you are at, one day. Not there yet, but at least I can understand what you are saying and getting at. There was a time in the not so distant past, that I could not even fathom what you were attempting to drive home. . .So at least now I can see that I am making progress! I honestly know that this divorce is EXACTLY what I need right now for my own personal well being. It will give me a chance to make my life what I want. . .just have to get through the next few months. . .

 

Lost in TN---I too am in the "stage" of thinking of all the good things that the stbx did, the good things we did together and all of her good qualities. . .almost like having her on a pedestal. At that point, I force myself to think of things that were not so great and things that were done to make me feel similar to what I am feeling now. At least then, I can see that this is the RIGHT thing to happen and I can regroup and get on with my day!

 

"This_to_shall_pass" had a great point from another post that I had not thought of. . .

 

"One thing I've learned is this: People don't change. Their circumstances do. This woman is what she always has been. It's your perception of her that kept changing."

 

That is EXACTLY right! My stbx is still basically the same person that I married. . .some of the traits that initially attracted her to me are the same traits that have driven us apart. These traits have become more pronounced and focused upon more by her and have gone from what I initially thought I wanted in a spouse, to something that will not work in our relationship. I am sure that she sees this in me as well. My perception of her HAS changed. . . and that brings me to where I am at today.

[Thackery]

Ok, a quick question that I probably know the answer to, but want to verify. . .

 

I have been packing up the house things all weekend. Somewhat theraputic, and somewhat depressing. The "stuff" that is hers is easy and what it mine is easy. Neither of us has anything that we HAVE to have or fight over. Family heirlooms go with each person and we both have things that we like and are willing to give up. My question is as follows: Instead of selling all of the unneeded furniture, I have a fondness for a couple of pieces. She does not care if I keep them, but they remind me of her/us etc. I am assuming that this will pass and the day will come where I JUST like the furniture and it will bring back no memories. . .right?! I was planning on putting them in storage for a few months, till things get settled. Is this a good idea, or is it best to get rid of the "us" items and get some "just me" pieces?

 

Had a pretty good weekend until today at 3:00 or so. Then the mind went off on a tangent and I started reminiscing. . . fricken emotions!!! At least I made it until 3 on Sunday. Past few weekends were entirely filled with these thoughts. Maybe I am making progress. . .hmmmm

 

thanks,

 

Thackery

[sumdude]

I kept the furniture my STBX and I picked out together. Doesn't bother me much. Need something to sit on... The memories are there with or without the sofa. I did take down all the pictures and put away the special gifts from her... for now. It does get easier every day.

[bestlifenow]

Lost in TN,

I could have written your letter. My divorce was final in Feb. We were married 31 years. I didn't want the divorce and would've jumped through hoops to keep our marriage together, but he was determined. So one day, I just pictured myself with my eyes closed and my hands open and the words "let him go" came into my spirit and I did. The next time I saw him I was nice, but didn't act life a wife. Even though he had already moved out of the house months earlier, I knew I needed a change of scenery, so I moved out of the house too,and made him pay the mortgage! I quit calling, emailing, etc... I saw him in April for our grandson's 1st birthday party. I hadn't seen him in 6 months and it was fine. I saw him a couple of weeks later when we closed on the house. That was a very hard day, but I put on a smile and he had no idea how much I was hurt.

 

From the time of the seperation to the divorce was only 9 months. We also were very cordial. Now I don't know if that was always a good thing. One of the stages of grief is anger. You need to feel angry to fully grieve the loss. Your heart always lags behind your head. The best I can say is what I keep telling myself everyday and sometimes several times a day. Feel your feelings. Sometimes they come in waves. Sometimes I can go hours or even days now and feel fine, but when the sadness or sorrow comes, I don't fight it.

 

I can't handle the idea of dating, but women typically take twice as long to get over a divorce as a man, so I'm a babe in the woods in that area. I've known this man since I was 17. I was faithful. The thought of getting sexual with anyone else is overwhelming. But I'm a long way from being ready for that. He's already dating. I saw his profile on Match a week after the divorce was final. That was shocking and weird. He told one of our sons that he was dating last weekend. My son didn't want to tell me so he told his sister who told me. Luckily, I already knew---intellectually, but it was still like getting slapped in the face. By the way, adult, or young adult children hurt just like the rest of us. In some ways I think it's harder for them. They question whether those years were a lie, just like I do.

 

I know from all the things I've read about divorce, grief, and mid-life crisis that men get back into the game because of their sexual needs. Just be careful. Use protection. And remember that you still need to face the pain. Sex, drugs, alcohol, food, gambling etc... won't take the pain away, not in the long term anyway. It's a loss and you need to grieve. Hang in there!

[sumdude]

 

I know from all the things I've read about divorce, grief, and mid-life crisis that men get back into the game because of their sexual needs. Just be careful. Use protection. And remember that you still need to face the pain. Sex, drugs, alcohol, food, gambling etc... won't take the pain away, not in the long term anyway. It's a loss and you need to grieve. Hang in there!

 

I think it's just part of being a man and evolution. Our self-worth is often tied to our sexuality ... just the way evolution (or something/one) made us. If survival and continuation of our DNA is the driving force then it makes sense. If we don't 'get some' for a prolonged period of time we feel like we lose self worth.

 

Seems like some twisted sense of humor that made sexuality so different between men and women. So much the reason behind bad communication, misunderstandings and broken relationships. Though on the other hand without all the tension, elation and pain I doubt we would have much art and music either.

[Thackery]

Not much new info, just theraputic for me to post.

 

Bestlifenow wrote: From the time of the seperation to the divorce was only 9 months. We also were very cordial. Now I don't know if that was always a good thing. One of the stages of grief is anger. You need to feel angry to fully grieve the loss. Your heart always lags behind your head. The best I can say is what I keep telling myself everyday and sometimes several times a day. Feel your feelings. Sometimes they come in waves. Sometimes I can go hours or even days now and feel fine, but when the sadness or sorrow comes, I don't fight it.

 

Up to this point, I was having a very difficult time feeling any anger towards her. Not sure if it was that I thought that there was a chance and if I showed anger it would end that. . . (I know this is not true, nor even remotely beneficial to me) or that I do actually love her and do not want to have those negative feelings towards her. At any rate, we are getting things together for the divorce and I called her today with some dividing of items questions. She was actually a little "short" with me and showed a little attitued and superiority. Had not seen this before and shocked me a little. More importantly it forced me to feel anger towards her---something that I need, but had not felt before. Deep down this was very beneficial to me processing things. Although we are planning to have an amicable divorce (still business partners in separate cities) I am sure there will be more feelings on my end of anger. . . this is good, right??!! I mean, I have had a s***load of sadness and I would love to have a different emotion now and then. Anyway, thanks bestlifenow for your words. I want this to be a cordial split as we still need to communicate for the business, but I also want to get through the process as well and as quickly as possible.

 

Thackery

[Melovator]

More importantly it forced me to feel anger towards her---something that I need, but had not felt before. Deep down this was very beneficial to me processing things. Although we are planning to have an amicable divorce (still business partners in separate cities) I am sure there will be more feelings on my end of anger. . . this is good, right??!! I mean, I have had a s***load of sadness and I would love to have a different emotion now and then.

 

You can be pissed off but polite, use what your feeling to reinforce your personal boundaries. You are supposed to get angry it is good, but like the sadness you don't have to feed the emotion, you don't need to dwell in it. You feel it, acknowledge it, own it and then let it go- until it comes again and you repeat and repeat and repeat because even when this stops making you angry other stuff will. Take care of yourself.

[Thackery]

Thanks melovator! The advice is very much appreciated. . .

 

I have not been that angry during this whole process. Mostly sad, as the stbx has not given many reasons to be angry. Again, we have to continue to go on as business partners, so it will benefit both of us to make this as painless as possible. I will do as you instructed. . .feel the emotion, acknowledge it, own it and then let it go. Interestingly enough, the emotions do not last as long as they did. I did have full days (or two) of feeling completely miserable. Now I have two or three times each day that come up and I try to think about things and then send them on their way. Hopefully soon I will have these thoughts only a couple times a week and so on. Unfortunately, I will probably backslide when we file and when the d is final. But once I get past those. . .

 

It is just nice to see myself "getting better"

 

Thanks again.

 

Thackery

[jmargel]

Look up the five stages of grief. It is something that you will be going through.

[Thackery]

Thanks jmargel. . .Hit all the stages of greif, just don't think that I spent long enough on the anger. . . I need to work on that.

 

The stbx's grandmother passed away this week and the funeral was yesterday. Even though it was 2 hrs away, I went to pay my respects. I really think that I needed to, as her grandma was a pretty neat chick. And even if we are not/will not be married, we are still business partners. . . and I would attend my business partner's relative's funeral. At any rate, both her and her mother were very suprised to see me there. Had a couple of pleasantly uncomfortable hugs and then I was on my way. I was incredibly anxious on the way there and during the ceremony. . .not knowing what I would feel and how I would react. Turned out ok. Of course I wore a suit, which the stbx was not accustomed to seeing me in. I actually looked pretty good! Nothing better than a tailored suit to look good and to make you feel good. I suppose the bottom line was that I wanted to present myself in the best way possible. Both for me and for others. I had no intent of 'winning her back', but simply wanted her to maybe have a "twinge" when she saw me. Maybe a little 'he sure looks good' feeling. I am not self-absorbed nor narcissistic---just wanted her to question her thoughts and actions a little. . . maybe to have her feel a little hurt when she thinks about me down the road. Of course, the last thing that I wanted was for her to hurt in the way she did for her grandmother, as they were very close. Death sucks sometimes!

 

After the funeral, I went and visited a buddy of mine in another town that I had not seen for 5 years. Picked up right where we left off. . . really nice.

 

I think that I am going to make it through this ok. Both with the advice from here and my friends and family. I will turn out pretty good, actually. I think that it helps when the divorce is as amicable as ours. We are agreeing on most everything and things are moving along very well. If the settlement is what we currently have it as, I will be content with the end results.

 

I still have much to deal with and to get through, but in the past 60 days I have come a long way. Everyone is right when they talk about time and putting forth effort, and how much that helps the healing process.