Dad Wants Daughter To Meet OW

[4whatItsWorth]

As some people will know my dad left my mother for an OW after what seems to have been a 2-3 year old PA/EA affair. I don't know how physical it was, but I know definately it was an emotional affair watching my dad shut my mom out since I was 17.

 

Anyway, it's been like a year ago since he moved out, and in January this year my brother told me dad had asked for him to meet the OW. My brother said no. (I told my mom this only for her to reveal dad had sent her a tear-filled email talking about how much he missed his family...hardly.)

 

Now I thought he'd be clever than this but no...last week on the tuesday evening he asked ME when I was going to meet her. And I told him no way I was going to, and he dared asking me why. After telling him 'Perhaps because you had an affair with her?' he told me I didn't 'know the whole story'.

 

I guess part of me feels bad that dad basically have to choose between OW and kids. I feel that if I met this woman I would either punch her in the face or not being able to be anywhere near polite. (She is divorced since long with 2 kids younger than me, they met at work.) But should I 'accept' her to please my dad?

 

For OWs that respond...please realise how difficult this is for me, as I don't want to go against any of my parents but as well how much I DO NOT want to meet that woman.

[quankanne]

it's good to respect your parents, but in some situations, you realize you are more mature than they are acting, so you do what you understand is "right."

 

it'd be nice to bury the hatchet, yes, but if he's not divorced from your mom, then he's asking you to legitimatize his affair, and that's just plain wrong. If they are indeed divorced, your dad needs to respect your wishes even if it goes against his desire for you to meet this woman.

 

ultimately, the decision is yours, kiddo – if you don't feel comfortable meeting her, you are not obligated to do so even as you want to be a good daughter ...

[PoshPrincess]

Hi 4WhatitsWorth, despite being an exOW I felt I had to reply to your thread.

 

I have to say I can totally understand why you don't want to meet your Dad's OW and I feel he is being selfish (and quite immature) in not respecting that decision (Sorry, don't mean to slag your Dad off; just trying to see things from your POV). I was in a similar predicament a few years ago and I am a grown-up and have a child of my own. My Mum and Dad split when I was in my 20s. His decision. As far as I know there was no one else involved. They got back together after about 9 months but split up again not long after. My Dad treated my Mum really badly and I feel that he used her big time (but that's another story). Needless to say my Mum was devastated. Anyway, a year after the split my Dad started seeing someone else. As usual, I knew before my Mum and thought I should be the one to tell her. He DID offer but I knew she would prefer it to come from me. My Dad kept banging on about me meeting his new GF and even tried to set something up once but at least she (being a woman, I guess) was sensitive enough to know it would happen when the time was right for both of us. I know you may be thinking "What's the problem? It's not as if your Dad was having an affair with her?" Well, I had nothing against my Dad's gf but I felt bad for my Mum and I would have felt disloyal to her for associating myself with Dad's GF. It happened eventually but when we were both ready. Incidentally, my Mum and Dad's D proceedings hadn't even started at the time he began dating.

 

All I can do is reiterate what Quankanne said in that you have to do what is right for you. What are your brother's views on the sitch? I was lucky that my brother felt much the same as me so we stuck together on the decision. Sit down with your Dad and explain to him exactly how you feel. He loves you (no matter what has gone on in the past) and WILL understand that you need time (if you EVER want to meet her, that is!) I know my exP was in the same sitch as you when he was a teen and it took him years to accept the woman who is now his stepmum. My dad's GF will never be my stepmum and will NEVER be called grandmother by my son (THAT would break my Mum's heart) but she IS a good person and we get on fine.

 

One day, you may change your mind. Your Mum will move on and hopefully meet someone too and please believe that your Dad's GF/OW, or whatever you would like to call her (a lot worse than that I would imagine!) may be a really nice person. Put it this way, she fell in love with your Dad, who you obviously love, despite his faults and hopefully you CAN trust your Dad's judgement on falling in love with her. Things clearly weren't right between your Mum and Dad, I am sorry to say, but now he has found happiness with someone else. I have no doubt that one day both your parents will be truly happy. For the record, my Mum has now come to her senses in realising what a complete idiot my Dad was and how she is far better off without him (ie without someone who doesn't love her how she deserves) so I don't feel torn in every direction now. I know it will be the same for your Mum too however it seems at the moment. Sadly I have a lot less respect for my Dad which is really sad after years of being a Daddy's girl but then again it has strengthened the bond between my Mum, brother and me.

 

I wish you lots and lots of luck. I understand that you probably feel torn between your parents and that's difficult for anyone buit stick to your guns and do what's best for you! x

[LucreziaBorgia]

You do not have to accept her, or be her friend, or even be supportive of your father. Let your father know that you love him, but that you do not want to meet his OW right now. I'm sure he will understand, given that he and this woman destroyed all you know as a family. If you do end up meeting her, be polite and distant as you would to any stranger you meet. No more, no less.

[Lizzie60]

how you feel, it must be terribly hard for you... but you don't have to... you are old enough to 'choose' whether you want to meet her or not... when kids are much younger they don't have that choice.

 

You can love your dad but you don't have to love this woman...

[lindya]

should I 'accept' her to please my dad?

 

It might well be that in time (assuming his relationship with her lasts) you'll feel that you do want to meet her - but right now you don't, so why let yourself be pushed into an artificial situation whereby you have to be pleasant to her even though you feel like punching her? A difficult meeting like that would seem likely to burn more bridges than it would build.

[whirlwinds_sister]

Well, I have a unique perspective on this. I have been an OW and I was also in the same position as you when I was a teen. On the 'other side' now, I understand the dynamics in a troubled marriage and the fear of getting out without someone else to run to that go into what happens. This is a perspective you don't have yet and I didn't then either, however, that said, what the defining difference was for me is how my father treated my mother when this happened. He behaved like she was throw away and was verbally abusive and made sure, along with the OW, to protect their meal ticket. I would not say under ideal conditions I would have been able to deal with her at first, but I can tell you if this is a long term thing at some point you will have to find a way to deal with it if you wish to have a relationship with your dad. My father married his ow and they had a nearly 15 year marriage before they divorced. He was married to my mother for 20 so I'd say the OW was a pretty serious relationship.

A huge word of advice is that like you do not have to get embroiled in your father's new relationship, you must make sure you don't become your mother's counselor either. She should NOT be telling you about tear filled emails--that is not your burden to deal with or carry and I would suggest that she see someone to discuss her pain. My mother used me like a counselor and I realize now how destructive it was. You should not be pitted against your parents in that way and it is not your place to sooth your mother's wounds or be her ear for her hurts.

 

So, as someone who has been there on both parts...as a daughter, i absolutely understand that you aren't ready to meet her. I would tell your dad this is too new and the situation it happened is too hurtful. Tell him you won't say forever, but give it time and give you space and you will come to him when you are ready. I would also let him knwo that despite it you love him and would like to continue to see him alone for the time being.

 

Again, as a daughter, do not get entangled in your parents' divorce and pain. Just because mom is the wronged party does not mean you are her counselor or her best buddy to help her through it. I know you feel like you may be helping, but trust me on this one, it leaves YOU as the one with nobody. Your parents, no matter how hurt, should be soothing you and your brother, not the other way around. Tell mom too that you love her, but you can not be listen to the hurts about your dad and you'll support her if she goes to see someone who can. That YOU need her right now.

 

Now, as the OW, let me tell you...it is seldom black and white the reason why. I know now as a grown women, even before my own A, that relatinships are far from perfect. I can remember back and know the marriage had some real problems and also that both parties were in denial over them mental health conditions my father had that led to this path. As the OW, I can tell you I was no monster. Like the MM, I was in pain and at first was just looking for a shoulder to cry on..someone to talk to...nothing emotionally involved at all. A's often grow just like legitimate relationships do--there is a commonality and a warm friendship develops and then the pair notices each other in other ways. All those feelings end up turning into loving emotion. What we miss in it all though is that neither of us were free to pursue it beyond a friendship and also that our first word to one another regarding the hurt should have been the same advice I gave to you regarding your mother. The person must see someone to deal with it and then make a decision if they want to stay with their partner BEFORE an A happens. Try to remember your dad and the OW are human and very fallible(ie make mistakes, don't always use good judgement, etc). That does not absolve them, but when you understand the dynamics of human emotions and how people behave, you also realize that the OW and your dad aren't the devil incarnate. This goes a long in healing.

 

 

 

oh one more thing...please please please have your mother see someone. Mine refused to see someone and although she had a couple of live ins since then, she has not had a real solid relationship in a while. I believe she's still attached to this hurt and has not dealt with it. Don't let your mother let her life escape from her in that hurt. I just watched this show the ex Wives club--I think some of the stuff there is excellent..it encourages people to express their rage in a positive, safe setting, to forgive, and not for the benefit of the parties that wronged them, but for their own benefit. This is truly moving forward and it will bring, I believe, the healing your mother is going to need.

 

I'd give you ahug right now if I could. I very much understand what you are going through:(

[Reckless]

You don't sound like you're not ready. If you don't want to. Then don't. Let your dad know you still love him, and always will and that things may change in the future and you might be okay with it then, but right now you just don't feel ready. He loves you he'll understand.

 

You do not have to choose between your parents you can love them both - don't make it a family feud but don't do things you are uncomfortable with either.

 

You are not privy to the "whole story" nor should you be - you are his child and not his marriage councellor or divorce lawyer, even though they are your parents some things really are their business; if both your parents are divorced there will of course be other people in their lives, you are not obliged to welcome them all, but you may want to one day.

 

Until then, don't stop giving love to your parents or spending time with your dad and when you are ready to meet the OW tell him. You've been through a lot so this one will be on YOUR timetable not his.

[TogetherForever]

Just FYI, mine told his kids that I am the woman he loves & has been with for almost 7 years now. He told them that they can come to OUR house to visit him. This past Christmas Day, his 3 kids, ages 13,21 & 27, came over & spent quite a few hours. They have been over numerous times since. They wouldn't be welcome if they'd disrespect me or their father. He also told them that they either accept the situation or they don't. Easy as that.

Now their mother's bf, they can't stand him at all.

[NoIDidn't]

Don't meet her if you don't want to meet her. Your father seems like he is trying to intergrate the OW into everyone else's lives like he did in his. Like he can take you all into the fantasy that he was/is living in the A. Problem is, no one else is going to be as enamoured with her as he is.

 

You are an adult and can make your own decision regarding this, and regarding how much you allow your mom to lean on you.

 

An aside, it seems that your dad is one of those people that has a hard time making life transitions (marriage getting to the mature stage, children moving on). You mentioned in other threads that he left a previous relationship for your mom after having been married to the previous wife for some years and just abruptly left. Not recommending that you play family counsellor, but consider that in all of your dealings with him.

[IpAncA]

I'm going to suggest after reading your threads you talk to someone and same with your mother. Not only for this, but for other problems you mentioned yourself. Not saying your crazy or anything but I do think talking to someone would help you out. Even if it's a couple of times.

 

Likes others said, if you don't want to meet her then don't. If this happend to me I'd be quite angry. But if you do meet her, it's best if you do so when your not angry.

 

Personally if this was me, I wouldn't meet her until my parents were divorced and he was married to the OW. Even then it would be hard I would do it. But ONLY then.

[4whatItsWorth]

For the record, my Mum has now come to her senses in realising what a complete idiot my Dad was and how she is far better off without him (ie without someone who doesn't love her how she deserves) so I don't feel torn in every direction now.

 

Thank you to all who took time to reply.

 

PoshPrincess, I reply to yours because we've been in the similar situation. I feel too my mother will be better off without my dad. Their marriage had never really ever been a good one, mainly because my mother never trusted my father aftering being the OW he cheated on his first W on.

 

My mother has been in therapy for years, but she did take a lot out on me - most in the beginning and nowadays she is much more careful with whatever she does say. Which is a big step in my eyes. My dad is a notorious cheater, he cheated on his first wife with more women than just my mother...perhaps my mother was the only one who was in love 'enough' to stay until he did leave.

 

I don't believe my dad can be faithful even to this woman, but I guess she does not know about my dad's past. I am not saying she is a horrible person, but I have decided I do not wish to meet her. I would agree with IpAncA, the only reason only I would even be prepared to get to know her is really if she was married to him. But just like the relationship he had with my mother - I cannot see why this one would be less filled with distrust or anxiety of more infidelity.

 

Once again, thank you for all your responses. And for further records, I am planning on therapy sessions once I've moved in september.

[PoshPrincess]

[quote=4whatItsWorth;1221862]Thank you to all who took time to reply.

 

PoshPrincess, I reply to yours because we've been in the similar situation. I feel too my mother will be better off without my dad. Their marriage had never really ever been a good one, mainly because my mother never trusted my father aftering being the OW he cheated on his first W on.

 

My mother has been in therapy for years, but she did take a lot out on me - most in the beginning and nowadays she is much more careful with whatever she does say. Which is a big step in my eyes. My dad is a notorious cheater, he cheated on his first wife with more women than just my mother...perhaps my mother was the only one who was in love 'enough' to stay until he did leave.

 

I don't believe my dad can be faithful even to this woman, but I guess she does not know about my dad's past. I am not saying she is a horrible person, but I have decided I do not wish to meet her. I would agree with IpAncA, the only reason only I would even be prepared to get to know her is really if she was married to him. But just like the relationship he had with my mother - I cannot see why this one would be less filled with distrust or anxiety of more infidelity.

 

Once again, thank you for all your responses. And for further records, I am planning on therapy sessions once I've moved in september.

 

I agree that therapy would be a good idea. You don't wanna end up as f***ed up as me (LOL) when you're my age due to stuff that went on with your parents! I'm in therapy at the moment and am finding it a real help. It seems my commitment-phobia may be down to me trying so desperately hard NOT to be like my Dad.

 

My Dad was not a serial cheater (as far as I know), in fact he maintains that he NEVER cheated but who knows? I DO know that he was completely irresponsible and selfish financially. It really is a long story but now my Mum is on her own and still working her butt off in her 60s and that's all down to him. Needless to say, his girlfriend who is a few years younger than my Mum is hoping to go part-time at work soon. How ironic!

 

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat. You seem to be dealing with all this in a very mature and responsible manner. Your Mum is very lucky to have you as a daughter. Stay strong x

[smartgirl]

I discovered, when my father died unexpectedly, that he had been carrying on an affair for about 15 years. Leading a double life, maniplulating and lying to my mother and apparently, lying to the OW as well.

 

This was a man that I idolized and thought was a real role model for me. Yes, I took the betrayal very personally. Especially after lecturing me about how bad it was to be a liar for my whole life.

 

I tell you this so you know my personal baggage.

 

Your father wants you to meet this woman partially to validate his decision. He knows what he did was wrong and does worry about what you and your brother think. If he can get you to meet this woman and like her, it will make him feel better and let him off the hook a bit.

 

You are under no obligation to help your father in this endeavour. I believe your parents are actually still married? I would not meet with this woman under the current circumstances. To me, it encourages a lot of wrong thinking on his part.

 

Longer term you will probably want to reestablish a relationship with your father. But he has to respect your feelings and allow you to reconnect in our own way and in your own time.

 

I agree with other posters though, who caution against getting drawn into this by your mom. She knows you feel betrayed too, but you are the child (whatever age) and you can't be a part of your parent's marriage in anyway at anytime.

 

ForeverTogether - you obviously have your own perspective on this, but there is no acknowledgement in the situation you describe that your MM felt he needed his children's forgiveness. I think that the WS and the OW need to understand the level of betrayal that the child feels - whatever age that child is. Many of the things that a MM does with his OW fly in the face of all the parent has told the child about right and wrong. And then if he leaves, he has chosen a new life with someone else over the life he had with his family. You may chose to say it was his wife that he left, but as the child you feel abandoned too. And deceived. And then to be asked to condone it?

 

The WS needs to earn the forgiveness of his children. He has abdicated the moral highground and they can no longer be expected to see him with the same level of respect as before. Even with a parent, respect has to be earned.

[PoshPrincess]

Even with a parent, respect has to be earned.

 

Couldn't agree more. I have zero respect for my Dad now after the horrendous way he has treated my Mum. I really feel for YOU though finding out about your dad's A after his death. I can't imagine how painful that must've been. At least I get to vent on my Dad, not that I do because I really don't think he sees my point at all!

[bish]

I guess part of me feels bad that dad basically have to choose between OW and kids.

 

Well, that was his choice wasn't it. He chose another woman over his family.

 

I can understand you feeling bad, but don't feel bad for your dad. This was his doing and his choice. If he feels depressed or anything because he feels he might have lost his family, then tough. Again, his choice.

 

I feel that if I met this woman I would either punch her in the face or not being able to be anywhere near polite.

 

And although I don't condone any form of violence, I wouldn't blame you a bit if your emotions overcame you and you did just that.

 

At the very least you owe this woman, or your dad for that matter, any civility. You may choose to be civil later on down the road, but neither your dad or this other woman should expect it or blame you if you never talked to either one of them again.

 

(She is divorced since long with 2 kids younger than me, they met at work.) But should I 'accept' her to please my dad?

 

No, you should never have to accept her. The most they should hope for is that you eventually just come to a point where you are civil. You don't have to be nice to her or him, but you can be civil.

[bish]

You can love your dad but you don't have to love this woman...

 

If either my mother or father cheated, I'd disown either one of them for doing so.

 

If they didn't care enough about our family to keep from hopping in bed with someone else, they don't deserve a family.

[IpAncA]

If either my mother or father cheated, I'd disown either one of them for doing so.

 

If they didn't care enough about our family to keep from hopping in bed with someone else, they don't deserve a family.

 

I don't know if I'd disown, but I'd have a hard time looking at them...especially if it was my father.

 

Which is why I suggested to not go over there all raged. I'd probably deck that women. In fact I know I would.

[bish]

They wouldn't be welcome if they'd disrespect me or their father. .

 

Did their father have an affair with you when married to their mother?

Was the mother doing the same thing, or did she get a boyfriend after the divorce?

 

If the divorce is a result of their father's A with you, then you and their father disrepected them. And you would then now expect respect from them?

[bish]

They wouldn't be welcome if they'd disrespect me or their father. .

 

Did their father have an affair with you when married to their mother?

Was the mother doing the same thing, or did she get a boyfriend after the divorce?

 

If the divorce is a result of their father's A with you, then you and their father disrepected them. And you would then now expect respect from them?

[bish]

I don't know if I'd disown, but I'd have a hard time looking at them...especially if it was my father.

 

You'd have an easier time with it if it was your mother cheating on your father?

[IpAncA]

You'd have an easier time with it if it was your mother cheating on your father?

 

Yeah I would have an easier time.

[smartgirl]

PP - yes, finding out when there is no way to get resolution has been very hard. Ten times harder for my mother I know. She idolized him too. God, the betrayal. Got a book called "how do I forgive you" that is supposed to help deal with these situations, but it wasn't a great help.

 

I really feel badly for this girl. I would never want my children to have to deal with this kind of ugliness.

[bish]

Yeah I would have an easier time.

 

And why is that?

[IpAncA]

And why is that?

 

Because my father treats my mom like crap and if she cheated, he had it coming. I would be a little mad for her stooping that low but if he asked my thoughts on it, I would have to say, "what did you expect?"

 

Now if my father cheated, I would be angry because everything I thought about him would prove to be true. That would be the green light for me to almost hate him and to deck the women he found to agree to do it.