Dad Wants Daughter To Meet OW

[Mustang Sally]

Just FYI, mine told his kids that I am the woman he loves & has been with for almost 7 years now. He told them that they can come to OUR house to visit him. This past Christmas Day, his 3 kids, ages 13,21 & 27, came over & spent quite a few hours. They have been over numerous times since. They wouldn't be welcome if they'd disrespect me or their father. He also told them that they either accept the situation or they don't. Easy as that.

Now their mother's bf, they can't stand him at all.

Wow.

 

I gotta say, I really feel for those kids. Sounds like Peyton Place, with all that adult such-and-such going on.

 

I hope they get through it ok. I'm sure you'll be there for them, to help them through, right?

[bish]

Because my father treats my mom like crap and if she cheated, he had it coming. I would be a little mad for her stooping that low but if he asked my thoughts on it, I would have to say, "what did you expect?"

 

Well, I understand where you are mad at your father. However, nobody "has it coming" as far as cheating. If he treats her like crap enough for her to cheat, then she should leave, not cheat.

[scaredinlove]

It is hard to say if you should see her or not.I would because I woulndn't want to hurt my Dad.

 

The reason your parents divorced or separated wasn't this woman. Most man stay in the marriage even after a affair. maybe they had other problems. You will have to meet her eventually. maybe the best would be to talk to your father and tell him how you feel . maybe you need more time.

 

I guess it is hard for you to see your father with someone else,but maybe you should give him a chance.

[NoIDidn't]

Her father basically abandoned her and her mother for this other woman. Now he is trying to get acceptance of his abandonment from his kids.

 

Unless this man is doing more than making selfish demands, like apologizing for what he's done and taken ownership for the pain that he's caused, then I am all for avoid him while you are still angry. Not necessarily until you get an apology because you more likely will never get it.

[IpAncA]

However, nobody "has it coming" as far as cheating.

 

I'm just saying that he would have nothing to complain about because it would be his fault for driving her there. That's where the "what did you expect" came from. Maybe then he would come to his senses. But sure leaving is the better choice.

 

Not necessarily until you get an apology because you more likely will never get it.

 

She might get it from him.

 

I don't know OP, have you guys even talked about it?

[PoshPrincess]

I really feel badly for this girl. I would never want my children to have to deal with this kind of ugliness.

 

I know what you mean. What my exMMs daughter went through when she found out about us was UNBELIEVABLE. I can totally understand why he wouldn't walk away from that. Everyone kept telling me, "but she's 16, she should be able to deal with it at that age!" but unfortunately it's not that simple is it? Parents splitting up is hard at any age but for different reasons. It didn't affect me personally when my Dad left my Mum but it affected me indirectly because of the way it made my Mum feel. No one wants to see a parent crying their eyes out, not eating, making themselves ill, etc over what another person has done to them. Still, she is a stronger person for it now, can finally see him for what he is and I KNOW she would never take that sort of cr*p again!

[Ladyjane14]

Just FYI, mine told his kids that I am the woman he loves & has been with for almost 7 years now. He told them that they can come to OUR house to visit him. This past Christmas Day, his 3 kids, ages 13,21 & 27, came over & spent quite a few hours. They have been over numerous times since. They wouldn't be welcome if they'd disrespect me or their father. He also told them that they either accept the situation or they don't. Easy as that.

 

Sorry :lmao:..... but if some trollop my father had been slinking around with demanded respect from me, she could wish in one hand and sh*t in the other. Dad too, for that matter.

 

It doesn't even make sense that a person should expect "respect" in exchange for disrespectful behavior.

 

 

OP, you're pulling your hair out for nothing. This isn't about your relationship with your father. If it was, he'd be looking to spend one-on-one time with you and NOT pressuring you. If it was about parenting, he'd be interested in YOUR needs and not his own.

 

This is about normalizing his affair relationship. More than likely, the impetus is coming from the OW. They can't stand the social repercussions of having participated in adultery. And if they can get everyone on board accepting the affair... they can feel like the ends justifies the means.

 

You can certainly have a relationship with your Dad outside the confines of the affair. And if he's not interested in that, well.... you'll be able to see his true motives for what they are.

 

Hang in there, hon.

Don't trade on your principles. If YOU are willing to lead, the choice falls to others to either follow or stay behind.

[TogetherForever]

Did their father have an affair with you when married to their mother?

Was the mother doing the same thing, or did she get a boyfriend after the divorce?

 

If the divorce is a result of their father's A with you, then you and their father disrepected them. And you would then now expect respect from them?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes it started out as an affair.

The mother started dating 3 years ago.

No I would not help his kids thru this. That's up to their mother & father.

[NoIDidn't]

OP, you're pulling your hair out for nothing. This isn't about your relationship with your father. If it was, he'd be looking to spend one-on-one time with you and NOT pressuring you. If it was about parenting, he'd be interested in YOUR needs and not his own.

 

This is about normalizing his affair relationship. More than likely, the impetus is coming from the OW. They can't stand the social repercussions of having participated in adultery. And if they can get everyone on board accepting the affair... they can feel like the ends justifies the means.

 

You can certainly have a relationship with your Dad outside the confines of the affair. And if he's not interested in that, well.... you'll be able to see his true motives for what they are.

 

Hey LJ!! Nice to see you.

 

While I can't say that I agree that it is coming from the OW or that it is only the OW that can't stand the social repercussions, I can say that I agree with everything else.

 

I would say that they both want some level of acceptance and its always the kids that they use to that end. Its the hoping that everyone else will say "if the kids are okay with it, then so am I".

 

Sad how they use the kids to put the OP off, and then use the kids to prove that the ends justifies the means.

[Ladyjane14]

Hey LJ!! Nice to see you.

 

You too, doll!

I've been so busy I haven't been reading along much, but I always try to catch your posts when I can. Good stuff.

 

...I can't say that I agree that it is coming from the OW or that it is only the OW that can't stand the social repercussions...

 

...I would say that they both want some level of acceptance and its always the kids that they use to that end. Its the hoping that everyone else will say "if the kids are okay with it, then so am I".

 

Sad how they use the kids to put the OP off, and then use the kids to prove that the ends justifies the means.

 

True. The cheating spouse usually attempts to evade the consequences of his/her actions as well. I guess I'm flashing back to the many insecurity laden "I-haven't-met-his-kids-yet-what-does-it-mean?" threads.

 

And I agree with you that it's usually the kids who are pulled back and forth. I don't know why parents can't seem to focus on "the big picture". I mean, isn't it better that a child understand that human beings are fallible and that it's okay to love imperfect people, rather than to attempt to rationalize immoral behavior as just?

 

It's not like kids aren't smart enough to eventually figure us out when we're full of sh*t. I can't believe there's an adult among us who can't see their parent's flaws, and in so seeing don't recognize their own inherent fallibility.

 

The trick isn't to be perfect or be viewed as perfect. It's in helping your kid cope with the fact that you're not. Twisting the truth like a pretzel, pushing for acceptance of unacceptable behaviors... these aren't in a kid's best interest no matter how old that kid is.

[bish]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yes it started out as an affair.

The mother started dating 3 years ago.

No I would not help his kids thru this. That's up to their mother & father.

 

I didn't ask you if you would help his kids thru this.

 

I stated that you expect respect from them when you were disrepecting the sanctity of the family unit.

 

Ya I know...their father is mainly responsible...blah blah blah. It doesn't mitigate your role in their eyes.

 

Don't expect respect from them.

[TogetherForever]

Bish, you could well be my boyfriends wife by the tone of your replies.

Have an awesome weekend!

[Virgo1982]

But, it sounds as if your father is trying to rush things. He needs to first heal the relationship with his family before he ever thinks about bringing you and the ow together. When he sent the email, he probably felt rejected by you all. It comes with the territory. I know when my mother and father split, I was angry with my mother for making him leave, though looking back with new understanding, I know divorce is necessary in some cases. My mother is now engaged and in a far better place than she was with my father. And guess what...I love him in spite of everything. We all can be selfish at times, ow, spouses, children too. Parents are human. You'll be a parent someday and then you'll see what that means.

 

Again, I don't know what the whole situation is, but eventually you will have to forgive your father. I'm just giving you reasons to. How miserable will you be if you give up a meaningful relationship with your father who isn't going to leave this woman unless she makes him unhappy? I'm sure he thought of you and your brother before he left. Take your time to heal and let him know exactly how you feel, but work on forgiving him. He is your father.

[frygirl]

But, it sounds as if your father is trying to rush things. He needs to first heal the relationship with his family before he ever thinks about bringing you and the ow together. When he sent the email, he probably felt rejected by you all. It comes with the territory. I know when my mother and father split, I was angry with my mother for making him leave, though looking back with new understanding, I know divorce is necessary in some cases. My mother is now engaged and in a far better place than she was with my father. And guess what...I love him in spite of everything. We all can be selfish at times, ow, spouses, children too. Parents are human. You'll be a parent someday and then you'll see what that means.

 

Again, I don't know what the whole situation is, but eventually you will have to forgive your father. I'm just giving you reasons to. How miserable will you be if you give up a meaningful relationship with your father who isn't going to leave this woman unless she makes him unhappy? I'm sure he thought of you and your brother before he left. Take your time to heal and let him know exactly how you feel, but work on forgiving him. He is your father.

 

I agree with everything you just said. I was relieved to see your post because I was starting to think the majority of the posters here were completely closed minded and self righteous.

 

The reality of this situation is the OW is an important part of the father's life and she's not going anywhere anytime soon, if ever. If the daughter doesn't want to have a relationship with her father because he left her mother, that is her choice but if she wants a relationship with him she'll eventually have to meet the OW. Perhaps now is too soon, but if she honestly thinks that by rejecting the OW her father will eventually leave her she is wrong. If he loved the OW enough to leave her mother .... well ..... I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, but sometimes you have to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

[Virgo1982]

I really feel badly for this girl. I would never want my children to have to deal with this kind of ugliness.

 

I know what you mean. What my exMMs daughter went through when she found out about us was UNBELIEVABLE. I can totally understand why he wouldn't walk away from that. Everyone kept telling me, "but she's 16, she should be able to deal with it at that age!" but unfortunately it's not that simple is it? Parents splitting up is hard at any age but for different reasons. It didn't affect me personally when my Dad left my Mum but it affected me indirectly because of the way it made my Mum feel. No one wants to see a parent crying their eyes out, not eating, making themselves ill, etc over what another person has done to them. Still, she is a stronger person for it now, can finally see him for what he is and I KNOW she would never take that sort of cr*p again!

 

I would think it is probably hardest for the teenager. Once you've had experience, you're wiser. You can handle things, but teenagers are emotionally immature in most cases. They're at an age where they understand more of what's going on, but may not be able to handle it emotionally. All I knew when I was 9, was that my parents argued, but that was normal to me. Then, she kicked him out and I just wanted him there. I did not understand, but when you're a teenager, it's different.

[Virgo1982]

I agree with everything you just said. I was relieved to see your post because I was starting to think the majority of the posters here were completely closed minded and self righteous.

 

The reality of this situation is the OW is an important part of the father's life and she's not going anywhere anytime soon, if ever. If the daughter doesn't want to have a relationship with her father because he left her mother, that is her choice but if she wants a relationship with him she'll eventually have to meet the OW. Perhaps now is too soon, but if she honestly thinks that by rejecting the OW her father will eventually leave her she is wrong. If he loved the OW enough to leave her mother .... well ..... I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, but sometimes you have to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

 

A lot of people appear to be self-righteous because they have been "victims" in a similar situation. Some people have never been faced with such a dilemma, so they don't understand and from past experience, everything seems cut and dry until you actually have first-hand knowledge. I used to be annoyed, but I respect the "victims" and dismiss those who remind me of 12-step counselors who have never had an alcohol problem;)

[NoIDidn't]

Hey 4WhatItsWorth, how is it going?

[bish]

Bish, you could well be my boyfriends wife by the tone of your replies.

Have an awesome weekend!

 

nah, i just think it is hilarious that you expect respect from his kids, when you were a major part of disprespecting them and the family as a whole.

 

Gotta give it to get it sweetheart.

[4whatItsWorth]

Hey 4WhatItsWorth' date=' how is it going?[/quote']

 

Hi and thanks again to everybody who replied. I do understand the people saying she is an 'important part of his life', but I'd be able to agree with it more if it wasn't for him sending my mother double messages all the time. Because he left mom the same way he left his first wife, I have a hard time seeing this is any different. (Except this time he had kids who would't let it go so easily)

 

My parents are still not divorced, yes. ATM they are looking to sell the house and divide the assests, but no papers have been signed as far as I know. I agree my dad is trying to validate his affair by letting us meet her, and the true problem is he keeps asking 'why don't you want to meet her?' when to me it is quite obvious why.

 

Two years ago my dad received an email from somebody in his address book, where the name was mine and the address wasn't. The email said 'I know what you've done and I feel ashamed for you. Nevertheless, I love you dad.' My dad sent me an email saying 'I understand you are mad at me. But thank you for loving me.'

 

It makes me wonder if she did it trying to expose him or if there would even be another kid or whatever. I'll never know and dad brushed it off as nothing when I was racking my brain trying to figure out who sent it. You'd have had to have access to his computer to do it, I think. All I know is I never wrote it.

 

So there is probably a lot more to it than what it seems.

[PoshPrincess]

Two years ago my dad received an email from somebody in his address book, where the name was mine and the address wasn't. The email said 'I know what you've done and I feel ashamed for you. Nevertheless, I love you dad.' My dad sent me an email saying 'I understand you are mad at me. But thank you for loving me.'

 

It makes me wonder if she did it trying to expose him or if there would even be another kid or whatever. I'll never know and dad brushed it off as nothing when I was racking my brain trying to figure out who sent it. You'd have had to have access to his computer to do it, I think. All I know is I never wrote it.

 

So there is probably a lot more to it than what it seems.

 

Jeez, this sounds pretty messed up, 4WiW! No wonder you are having such a hard time dealing with it all. I DO agree with what people have said that this OW is part of his life now, but YOU don't have to accept that until you're ready (if you ever are!) If your Dad doesn't understand that then he is being v naiive and immature considering he is the one who's supposed to be the grown up.

 

I don't know if it's a 'man' thing or what. I swear my Dad thinks we can allplay happy families and even expects my Mum and his GF to get on. He can't understand why my Mum wouldn't want to attend an event where he will be with his GF - WTF?!!!!! Fortunately, at least his GF has some sense (or female sensitivity maybe) and can see it more from my Mum's POV than HE can. It's quite sad really when you think about it but MY Dad is v selfish.

[IpAncA]

My parents are still not divorced, yes. ATM they are looking to sell the house and divide the assests, but no papers have been signed as far as I know. I agree my dad is trying to validate his affair by letting us meet her, and the true problem is he keeps asking 'why don't you want to meet her?' when to me it is quite obvious why.

 

If that were me, I'd tell him straight foward AGAIN why and

tell him I didn't want to hear it no more.

 

He shouldn't keep pressureing you to meet her. I mean hello, the affiar is still going on (because he's still married) and he's trying to get you to warm up to the idea. And this maybe harsh but IMO he's only thinking about himself.

 

So what if she's part of his life. It doesn't mean you have to meet her or accept her for that matter. What do they think? You'll come over with open arms? I sure hope not. Your always going to be reminded of what

she and your father are doing. Apparently he can't understand that you need more time if in fact you decide to meet her.

 

The reality of this situation is the OW is an important part of the father's life and she's not going anywhere anytime soon, if ever. If the daughter doesn't want to have a relationship with her father because he left her mother, that is her choice but if she wants a relationship with him she'll eventually have to meet the OW. Perhaps now is too soon, but if she honestly thinks that by rejecting the OW her father will eventually leave her she is wrong. If he loved the OW enough to leave her mother .... well ..... I don't mean to be harsh or cruel, but sometimes you have to acknowledge the reality of the situation.

 

Yep I agree. I also think it's too soon for anyone who's put in this position. I mean her parents are still married and he has the nerve to try and introduce this OW. I just think it's a lot for someone to take in without having to include a third person.

 

But aside from all this OP, has your parents or maybe even your father tried talking to you about this?

[4whatItsWorth]

But aside from all this OP, has your parents or maybe even your father tried talking to you about this?

 

Did you mean me or the person you quoted? My dad only ever said 'Don't you think I had a very good reason for leaving you like I did?' but I just replied 'Yeah, you're afraid of confrontation.' I'll never be able to forgive him for leaving me alone to take care of my to-become-almost-alcoholic mother. I asked mom once to tell me all she could about how she found out what was going on, apparantly the affair was ongoing when I was suffering from severe anorexia at age 17. So my mom didn't leave dad back then because she didn't think I'd be able to cope and she didn't know what to do.

 

I think my mom thought things were fine a year ago, guess it was because dad kept telling her so.

 

PoshPrincess, your dad and mine are alike then - my dad too thinks we can all just play 'happy family'. XP God forbid she turns up the day I get married.

[IpAncA]

No, I was talking to you. Sorry...I should have used your name instead. I was kind of in a hurry.

 

My dad only ever said 'Don't you think I had a very good reason for leaving you like I did?' but I just replied 'Yeah, you're afraid of confrontation.' I'll never be able to forgive him for leaving me alone to take care of my to-become-almost-alcoholic mother.

 

How about trying to talk to him about this? He should have said more than that. At least tried to explain things to you or something.