Family problems - StephSon - advise pls!!!

[AnxiousFather]

HI all,

i'm having some rather serious family problems at the moment and I wonder if anyone can help me out with this.

 

Basically i came to country B about 8 years ago, and met my current GF. We started living together and her son became my stephson after a while, as his father has no contact with neither him nor her.

 

Since then we've lived together in country B in her house, her environment. We go and see my family in my country twice a year.

We had problems and arguments in the past, split up once for nearly half a year, but got back together.

 

Most problems are about raising the boy - she does it her way, and I have my own opinions. One day she stands by me, the other day she goes against me. For example, sometimes he becomes very argumentive or starts lying about things. Sometimes i stay very calm, sometimes i become angry.

 

Yesterday, my patience had run out again, as he has not been listening lately (e.g. climbing on the roof while i told him not to do it couple of times) and i started talking more forceful and louder, telling him that he needs to listen etc..

my GF then starts intervening, telling me off that i should not talk to him like that. I get very angry with her, and tell her that she should not get involved, then we have another argument....

The funny thing is that sometimes he is so cheeky, he tries it on with her. She gets VERY angry then, sometimes smack him, definately shouts very loud to him.

My problem is, if I am to be his father, why is it that SHE can do all these things and I can't, i never smack him, but i do get angry sometimes. Why am I not allowed to get angry and WHY does this resolve into an argument between her and me?

 

I am calm most of the times, but if I need to say the same thing over and over i cannot stay calm anymore. Is this wrong?

 

Also, my GF don't see things from my point of view, I've been his DAD for over 6 years now, surely i am entitled to tell him off sometimes, right?

I could surely do with some guidance, i am very angry and upset at the moment as I feel i have no rights in this family, just obligations and duties.

 

I feel that is wrong and I should be able to be myself, If I disagree with something the boy is doing, then i should be able to tell him/her and if necessary tell him off right?

[Lizzie60]

I think you need to sit down with her and establish some kind of guidelines... then sit down with the child and be very clear about what is to be expected and what the 'new household rules' are. The child needs to know exactly where you stand.

 

After all those years, and the bio father not being around, I think the child needs a male role model and that could be you.

 

On the other hand, we see a lot of abuse from stepparents, since they have, a lot of times, no emotional connection as the natural parents do with the child.

 

So it is a delicate situation but you need to be on the same page as your gf on this issue.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I could surely do with some guidance, i am very angry and upset at the moment

 

I have the solution to all of your problems.

 

Support your stepson in everything he wants to do.

 

It's all very simple.

 

(If he wants to go to the roof, your support should be to make it safe for him, get him a study ladder etc)

 

That's the only way he'll turn out ok,

 

Ariadne

[huh]

I grew up in blended families. It takes time to establish a step-parent/step-child relationship. It doesn't happen overnight and it's a lot of change for everyone, particularly the children who don't have choice in things.

 

If your girlfriend's around, let her do the disciplining. Now obviously there are going to be times when she's not around. Discuss with her what should be done. Or if there's an immediate danger like the roof where you have to intervene.

 

Also, you 2 aren't married, are you? So while you may be acting in a fatherly capacity, technically you have no legal rights there. Her son is her child and she is his parent. She gets to make the calls about discipline, etc. When my brother & I were kids, my mom told us that we didn't have to like anyone she was dating, but we had to show them the same respect we'd show any other adult friend of the family or relative. In turn, they (there was one man in particular she dated for most of our school years) didn't get involved in disciplining us. She handled that. And it was the same with my dad & stepmom when we were with them.

 

Have you taken a parenting course or considered taking one? Granted kids can drive you crazy, but constantly getting angry and losing your temper to the point where you're yelling isn't good for anyone (you, your GF or her son). Chances are, he resents you moving in because it's less time with his mom. And you've split up at least once (in addition to problems and arguments in the past). He may not see you as someone who's going to be in his life permanently and he's already had a childhood lacking stability.

 

My step-parents focused on being sort of an aunt/uncle or adult friend of the family to us, rather than a parent. They got the accompanying respect of that type of relationship and we got the accompanying nuturing and support of that type of relationship. And I'm on good terms with both of them as an adult. My stepmom & I have kept in touch after my father's death. Maybe that type of relationship would work better for you both than trying to be his dad?