my wife says she love me but she hates me

[confuzd]

et me bring you up to speed, I have been married for 8 almost nine years, we have a 7 year old son. I married her at 19 years old she was 22. I have not been attentive to her needs, I had the normal cocky male attitude. I did show her alot of affection, and do things for her and with her, but she always said she felt like she was not the most important thing to me. I never took the time to truly understand her I would just get defensive and we would argue

 

I have caused her alot of emotional pain, simply by not showing her the love that she really needed even though I told her I loved her all the time. It finally hit a point a little over a year ago where she finally snapped and had an affair. she said she was sorry, and that she just wanted the attention. She has always been a good woman and I beleived she would never do it again. Which I don't think she has Until lately.

 

Things got better for a while, but I never really changed I still had the attitude that I can do what I want, and go where I want. She is fed up. The last time I felt like she didn't love me I told her that if she was so upset that she should just leave me. I didnt mean it but she agreed. Since then I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have woken up.

 

I am truly a changed person, who understands a mans role in a relationship. However my wife is not beleiving it. Now she goes to her friends house (supposedly) all the time even though she works full time. she leaves for certain errands on the weekends. She get Livid if I question her. She feels after all she's put up with I have no right to question her.

 

I did the same thing to her, and now I know how it feels. She never used to leave all the time, so I am suspicious. She says that she is tired of not going to friends, and trying to be the perfect wife, she says she did this for 8 years and will not do it anymore.

 

She says she still loves me and is in love with me, but She has so much anger that she can't get over.

 

will she ever be able to get over the anger, and treat me with respect even though I didnt treat her that way for so long?

 

Is she cheating on me, is she really going to a friends.

 

What do I do, I really have changed, is it too little too late.

[Reckless]

two words: Marriage. Councellors.

 

Your marriage is in a mess. I wouldn't be surprised if your wife is cheating. In any case you both have your work cut out to save your marriage and you definitely need professional help to get started.

 

See if she agrees to seeing a councellor and take it from there.

[Woggle]

What kind of entitled attitude is this? Stop blaming yourself because while you probably have not been perfect she sure sounds like she has her faults. It is not your fault that she cheated and it is not your fault that she is probably doing it again. Have some respect for yourself and stop putting up with her crap.

[confuzd]

heres the update

alright it has been a roller coaster ride, I have been trying to show that I have changed, talking, flowers, massages the whole nine. we had a great fathers day.

 

but it always rebounds back when I ask her what she wants for the future. she gets irritated and always says she doesnt know. I feel like she is just trying to keep me in this position, but I am slowly growing angry as well. She will not try to understand how hard it is for me.

 

She'll say "yes I want to be with you but i don't know if I can", or "I do want to be with you but it's just so much", or "yes i love you but I am just so angry I don't know on what level I love you". its never a definite yes I want to be with you, or yes I love you. she has been spending the night at her girlfriends house for the past couple nights after. I truly don't believe she is cheating but I have my human insecurities. here is a recent emai transaction between the two of us, please critique and tell me what you think is going on here.

 

my email to her:

I guess the best way for me to express my feelings without you getting heated would be by email. This is how I feel right now.

First off, I have alot of love for you. I think you are great and I want you in my life. right now I feel hopeless. I am on the verge of shutting off my feelings in a last ditch effort of not getting hurt anymore. I understand that you have tried to make things work in the past,and that you no longer feel obligated to make an effort. Unfortunately a marriage can not survive that way. Part of me believes you already realize this and have given up. You don't wear a ring, you have no pictures of me in your office, you don't make love to me, you don't sleep in the house with me, your actions tell me you want this to be over, and your words don't tell me otherwise.

 

I don't think your a bad guy, or are the evil villian. I know I had a big part in making you angry and accept that. I would be willing to do what ever it took to make this up to you, because I love you and care about your feelings.

 

It hurts me when I try to tell you how I feel and I don't receive any affection. I know that you can't because you are angry, but it still hurts and should be taken seriously. You are pushing me away from you, maybe purposely, maybe not. As always in my life once im gone I am gone, there will be no friendship, no contact, nothing. not because I don't love you but because it would hurt me too much.

 

I can be the man you want but only if you allow me to be. If I knew that you wanted me to continue fighting I would fight til the end of the earth, but I don't feel like you do. I understand that you are unsure about most things, I am as well. One thing you are sure of is if you have a desire to be with me. When you think of our future together it is quickly overtaken by thoughts of our past, I understand this.

 

through all of that I just need to know if you want me to continue fighting, or am I beating a dead horse? please don't tell me to do what I want to do. I need to know if you even want to be with me?

 

her reply:

I don’t want to be angry at you. I don’t think this is something that should be discussed on the phone, texted or emailed. I don’t think that you are a bad guy, but in eyes you have not been a good husband to me. As you know there has been a lot of things that have happened in the past and I hold a lot of pain inside. I have tired with all my heart for a very long time to make our relationship work. By back then it didn’t matter. What I felt did not matter. It upsets me when I hear you say that I have given up. But nothing is said about all the years when I was the glue that held our little family together. All I can think about is all the night I cried myself to sleep with no comfort from you. I’m sorry that you are hurting right now. I do care, believe me I do, if I didn’t, things would not be so hard. As far as if you are fighting for no reason, I can’t answer that for you, you have to answer that for yourself. I told you that I will be ready to discuss things with you on Friday. I’m sorry, but the way I feel is that I have waited for the real you for eight years and you took your time, I need my time as well, I think I’m entitled to that.