is he still hung up on his ex?

[tinypunkee]

Background:

My bf broke up with his ex about 3 years ago after 3 years of dating when he found out she cheated on him.

 

I have been with him now for about two years and I was under the impression that things were serious. However, my bf has been talking to his ex almost every day recently. He is away 5-6 days a week on business and says he is too busy to talk to me, but yet, makes time for her. I have always had problems with her calling (she has pretty much stalked him since we first started going out) but recently it's gotten worse. I know that he saw her last time he was in L.A. and lied about it. And when i ask him now, he says that they are really good friends and its childish for me to tell him not to talk to her. But he has told me in the past that she is still in love with him and hasn't had a serious bf since him. Furthermore, he forbids me from contacting my ex bfs.

 

I've talked to many people about this situation, some say its okay for him to be friends with his ex while others say i shouldn't tolerate it. I could use to more advice. Thanks:)

[Tony T]

Tell your boyfriend to stick it in his ear sideways. He's a first class jerk and the friends you've talk to about him have no idea what they're talking about.

 

YOU WRITE:

 

1. "my bf has been talking to his ex almost every day recently."

 

For what reason? This isn't normal. There's more going on here than discussing the latest installment of the Jerry Springer program.

 

2. "He is away 5-6 days a week on business and says he is too busy to talk to me, but yet, makes time for her."

 

DUH!!! Do you hear what you're saying. He considers his ex a lot more special than you. He PREFERS to talk to his ex. DUH...Why are you hanging around this guy. He doesn't care one bit about your feelings. This is not a relationship, it's a JOKE!!!

 

3. "I have always had problems with her calling (she has pretty much stalked him since we first started going out) but recently it's gotten worse."

 

Most women would have problems with that and most would grind it to a halt or get away from a guy who continued to take such calls. So what are you doing still around?

 

4. "I know that he saw her last time he was in L.A. and lied about it."

 

So on top of being a fricken inconsiderate bxstard, he's a no good liar to boot. Wow, you really know what kind of guys make the best partners!!!

 

5. "And when i ask him now, he says that they are really good friends and its childish for me to tell him not to talk to her. But he has told me in the past that she is still in love with him and hasn't had a serious bf since him."

 

Well, isn't that special. And you just sit there while she tries to get back with him, he sees and talks to her and not you and lies to you about it all. I'm sorry but I fully support him for what he's doing because you are putting up with it. Have you no pride. Get away from this jerk...tonight.

 

6. "Furthermore, he forbids me from contacting my ex bfs."

 

Why of course he does. He knows he is screwing his ex girlfriend and automatically figures you will do the same with your ex boyfriends if you contact them. The man is a moron and an idiot but he is smart enough to keep you on a string, manipulate you and play you like a fiddle.

 

6. "I've talked to many people about this situation, some say its okay for him to be friends with his ex while others say i shouldn't tolerate it."

 

The ONLY sane people you have talked to about this are the ones who say you shouldn't tolerate it. But because he's a liar and a scumbag, you won't change him. You have no alternative but to go find somebody who is decent.

 

This guy is clearly playing you for a fool and it really pisses me off. I have to go to the bathroom a throw up now. Sorry. I pray that you will see the light here....maybe a really cold shower will help...but stay out of the bathroom until I'm finished vomiting.

[midori]

you just need to open your eyes. He is playing you for a fool, as Tony has said.

 

He's not treating you well, whether or not the other woman was his ex. Talking to another woman when he doesn't have time for his gf? Come on. Why put up with such treatment?

 

Sure, exes can be friends -- but if, and only if, they have both moved on and don't want to get back together. If one of them hasn't moved on, friendship isn't possible. It's an ego-stroking (for your bf) charade.

 

I love that he "doesn't allow" you to talk to your exes. You can talk to whomever you please. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. Same goes for you: you don't like what he's doing, yet he persists. Why are you waiting for him to show you to the door? Just let yourself out.

[Girl]

He forbids you from contacting your ex boyfriends yet here HE is very much in contact with his ex DAILY (whom is in love with him still) seeing her and lying to you about it and then having the nerve to tell you just how childish you're being for not wanting him to talk to her?!.

 

Throw this lying, cheating, manipulating, hipocritical, self-obsessed, control freak to the curb as soon as possible. He's not on an ego trip, he's on an ego expedition. He's treating you like a doormat.... and you're letting him. Surely you're worth more than this?... show yourself and him!!!!.

 

The truth is there... you just need to stop rationalising his behaviours.

[smurfy73nik]

DUMP HIM!

 

It obviously upsets you when he has any contact with her. This is a normal reaction. And, he doesn't seem to care that he's hurting your feelings by doing this. He is NOT worth it!!!!!

 

Please read Tony's advice again and again!

[tinypunkee]

thanks for all the help...i think:P good thing i can deal with bluntness or i'de probably be dead now. but seriously, i have one more question:

 

lets just say i overreacted when i wrote that he doesn't have time for me. let's say that we talk on the phone about 10 times a day, but then i find out he spoke to his ex once.

what if, she is the one calling him most of the time,

and he doesn't answer half of her calls...but he still answers some.

 

okay, my question is: is it normal for me to be upset that my bf talks to his ex more than once a week? he says he doesn't "care to talk to her." and i know that he won't get back together w/ her (she turned into a mega slut and thats one thing he doesn't go for) but it still really bothers me, especially when he 4 am call wakes me up!

 

also, is it appropriate for her to be calling so much? i know that he always tells her he doesn't wanna talk to her and then they don't talk for a while. but then one day she leaves a voice mail tellinghim that I AM THE SELFISH ONE and they used to be best friends and its childish not to talk. and sometimes she leaves voice mails where shes crying and tells him an emergency so of course he calls and later tells me she is retarded and she only called b/c her parents cut off her spending money. i know all this b/c i check his voice mails (naughty i know)

 

basically, i think shes being really manipulative. and while i know he kinda sucks, i just wanna blame her right now. any thoughts?

[Sketchy]

You've been with your guy for 2 years... why are you worrying? I could understand if this was a NEW relationship... but you said you've been with him for 2 years. If he wanted her back he would have taken her back.

 

I was friends with my ex of 5 years. Obviously to spend any number of years with someone makes them a part of your life, you liked the person enough to keep them in your life for that long... and I think it's unfair to ask anyone to say "you can't talk to that person". But this is my opinion.

 

It's not cool that he has a double standard about it. If she's doing all the calling and he talks to her sometimes what's the big deal? I mean if he was diving for the phone every time she calls then that would be a bad thing. But he takes her calls sometimes and not others.

 

If he's not cheated on you (with her or others) and you trust him (it does not sound like you do if you are checking his voice mail)then don't worry that he talks to her. Does SHE know that you guys are together? Has he told her? These are things to ask. If he's told her about you then give him a break... if you're a secret then ditch him.

[Girl]

Ex's may be friends... in the true sense of the word but ONLY after they have both fully moved on from each other emotionally. That's not the case in this situation for her and to some degree him.

 

She may be manipulative but it is HIS conduct that is important here because he is the one with a partner now. His first priority should be you and your relationship. He has not set up appropriate boundaries to protect and respect it or you.... yet he could, he has the choice and the power.

 

Actions speak louder than words. His mouth says he doesn't care to talk to her, doesn't want to talk to her but his actions read 'I like talking to her, a lot'. His mouth says I don't respect her, she's a slut, she's a retard, but his actions read 'I like who she is enough to be my friend' (I don't know about you but if my opinion of a guy is that he's a womanising idiot I wouldn't have him in my life let alone call him a friend). You get my drift about words over actions.

 

There's some emotional pay off for him having her around... otherwise he would have cut his ties given all he's saying. He knows how she feels about him yet he's OK with her calling so often, he's OK with her calling at odd times, he's OK with her calling you selfish (he didn't defend you on that one, in fact he threw it at you!)... when he could easily say you're not over me, I'm with someone now, I can't be friends with you.

 

Blaming her is your minds way of rationalising his behaviour. You're relationship is with him, not her... shift the focus if you have to but the problem remains.