How important is confidence and a good personality?

[CaliGuy]

Idont know what the big deal about big boobs are anyway. Nothing wrong with flat chested women at all

 

Yoda says: Boobs do not a woman make.

 

On a different note I really get off on personality more than the physical but the hard part is when you can't get or lose that girl you fell for, you can't replace them.

 

You can and will, when you are ready to. It's all mind over matter.

 

If you fall for someone just for physical, there is no emotional investment thus easy to replace

 

Yep. That's why I think the physical part should take a back seat.

[polywog]

I just quicky read through this thread, and am dismayed by the so called "fake-boob" comments. Excuse me, men.... how about the hair implants and other baldness treatments, or less personal-body oriented, the fancy cars and motorcycles or boats? Or pinhead trophy wife? Not to reduce the choices of women who decided to get augmentation to the latter, no comparison.... to any of my examples, really, but I hope you get my point. My point being, if that's what floats your boat, great!

 

So What if a woman gets implants? It's just a more expensive and a little more risky version (by some people's standards, not all's) version of mascara or lipstick or great shoes or an expensive haircut . I'm all for whatever anyone wants to do as long is it does not harm anyone. I am dismayed by the comments some of you have made here. Really, what does it matter to You???

[burning 4 revenge]

I just quicky read through this thread, and am dismayed by the so called "fake-boob" comments. Excuse me, men.... how about the hair implants and other baldness treatments, or less personal-body oriented, the fancy cars and motorcycles or boats? Or pinhead trophy wife? Not to reduce the choices of women who decided to get augmentation to the latter, no comparison.... to any of my examples, really, but I hope you get my point. My point being, if that's what floats your boat, great!

 

So What if a woman gets implants? It's just a more expensive and a little more risky version (by some people's standards, not all's) version of mascara or lipstick or great shoes or an expensive haircut . I'm all for whatever anyone wants to do as long is it does not harm anyone. I am dismayed by the comments some of you have made here. Really, what does it matter to You???

Hair trasplantation isn't comparable to breast augmentation. One is giving you back what you lost, the other is putting fake material to give the appearance of having what you never had. If any woman gets hair trasplantation for alopecia I think thats almost a necessary thing. I even think women should have it covered in health insurance. For men its more of a cosmetic option, because baldness is common and not stigmatizing, but I still think its far more legite than gawdy fake breasts

[polywog]

Hair trasplantation isn't comparable to breast augmentation. One is giving you back what you lost, the other is putting fake material to give the appearance of having what you never had. If any woman gets hair trasplantation for alopecia I think thats almost a necessary thing. I even think women should have it covered in health insurance. For men its more of a cosmetic option, because baldness is common and not stigmatizing, but I still think its far more legite than gawdy fake breasts

 

I Hope you are being facestious, because if you are not.... well... oh that guady fake hair.... is it really more festive and more legitimate that having a bit more up front, breast-wise???? Besides which, baldness IS stigmatizing. I can't say I'd never fall for a bald man, but I never have, and find it unattractive on a gut animal level. Just sayin'.

 

Just hope, since I don't really know you, that you are being sarcastic, though my baldness comment, which betrays my superficiality, I am sorry to say, is somewhat legitimate.

[monkey00]

It's hard to say, you'd have to introduce me to woman 1 + 2 to really tell .

 

This place im working at, I have a co-worker with the looks and body to die for (initially what i thought anyway). I've never had the opportunity to work alongside her, but sometimes we'd greet. Well after 3 weeks, I finally had my chance yesterday. And guess what? she totally went ape**** on me due to some minor thing I dindt know - MAJOR TURNOFF. Now she's as ugly as an ugly girl. Not only that but she's almost anti-social with everyone in the office (that isnt work related).

 

Good/friendly personalities are always attractive, but for me personally there will always be an important component that consitutes my attraction toward a girl - I have to be at least physically attracted to her in addition to the personality in order for it to work.

Confidence is also very important also, I would be more inclined to date/chat with a 7 girl that has a healthy self-esteem VS a girl that's a 9 that has poor self-esteem.

 

She can in actuality be a 6/7 physically but with a great personality, its very possible to fall for her.

 

Physical beauty is subjective, so I'll leave that up to you guys!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

A thread that was probably going toward a more serious note, ended up being a discussion about fake boobs.

 

I'm not sure whether or not to laugh.

 

On the "fake" controversy - it's a completely personal decision whether or not to get fake boobs or hair transplant or whatever. It's the individual's own business, and nobody else's.

 

IMHO, it's not really balanced to say that you support hair transplants, but not fake boobs. What is sauce for the goose, should be sauce for the gander.

 

It's personal choice to undergo breast enhancement / reduction, flaunt them, or hide them. To each his own.

 

No reason to be judgemental on who was more legitimate in getting a makeover.

[CaliGuy]

I brought up the fake boobs comments not to belittle those who get them but only what I have experienced in the past. It could be other things (nose jobs, wealth, career success, etc).

 

My point is, if you are confident and have a great personality you will look a LOT better in the eys of men and women who value more than just what's on the surface.

[thepinched]

so i am trying to get help by reading this thread. i have low self-esteem, but everyone tells me i am handsome, fit, good personality, highly-educated, etc. i just don't believe them for some crazy reason. my therapist even called me good looking...and of course i think they are all being nice to me. oddly enough i am bold...i can walk up to the prettiest girl and just tell her she is beautiful w/out ever seeing her before...but of course i am not trying to score her number so it's easy to go half way and not find out. these problems have led me to settle w/ a lazy, unambitious woman...but she looks pretty (which probably satisfies my greatest fear to be met). which leads to my fear of never being able to find someone else.

 

1. It is largely due to comparing myself to other guys and feeling like well they are better looking...CaliGuy is right regarding that...it will devastate you. I need to stop that. I am not Brad Pitt and i have to accept it and i am also not the elephant man.

2. I feel my hair has thinned...everyone tells me it looks the same as last year. but again i compare myself to other guys and just feel less. and then my low self-esteem spirals out of control.

3. I don't understand the difference between attraction and finding someone good looking...hence people tell me i am handsome and attractive, but i think there are better looking guys out there. i always think that i may not be able to get past the initial attraction phase. i think i place too much emphasis on this issue and it leads me to have lower self-esteem. boy...i am neurotic about his now i realize...it has got to stop.

 

for the most part you guys seem like you have your heads on right...i'd appreciate the responses to my craziness.

[CaliGuy]

3. I don't understand the difference between attraction and finding someone good looking...hence people tell me i am handsome and attractive, but i think there are better looking guys out there. i always think that i may not be able to get past the initial attraction phase. i think i place too much emphasis on this issue and it leads me to have lower self-esteem. boy...i am neurotic about his now i realize...it has got to stop.

 

Attraction can be surmised as "how that person makes you FEEL."

 

Not how HOT they look. Looks are on the surface and fade over time. But the core of person usually remains unchanged.

 

If I had to guess as far as your problems go, you are looking too much at what is on the surface. Both of yourself and the women you are interested in.

 

You really do have to learn to love yourself before you can love others.

You have to learn how to respect yourself before you can respect others.

 

It's as I explained before, you can not be effective emotionally with other people until you have mastered those emotions within yourself.

 

You also tend to put far too much emphasis on what OTHER PEOPLE say about you instead of what YOU think of yourself. If you think you're ugly, other people will too. If you think you're attractive, so will others. It's just a vibe you give out.

 

Try not giving a damn what other people say. In fact, stop asking them if you are good looking. Learn to seek approval from within. You don't even realize it but I bet you are doing this around women you are interested in. You subconciously seek to gain their approval. Either through good deeds, gifts, etc. Not just with women, but friends, at work, etc.

 

You need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. It's not what you think. The book doesn't teach you how to be a jerk. It teaches you how to be a confident, secure man. One who doesn't seek approval from others, but from himself.

 

As for your thinning hair, if that is the case, WHO CARES? Many men suffer from it. Doesn't seem to bother Patrick Stewart. Why should it bother you?

 

In the long run, your outward appearance will matter much less to the one who truly loves you than who you are inside. And that is exactly what you should be doing with women. Stop worrying about WHAT they are and start focusing in on WHO they are.

 

You'll find happiness much sooner that way.

[amaysngrace]

I think #1 woman sounds like she has a happy life and #2 woman sounds kind of miserable.

 

Who wants to hook up with someone who will drain you of your own happiness and not add to it?

 

I think that's why #1 woman is attractive to more people. She has positive energy.

[CaliGuy]

I think #1 woman sounds like she has a happy life and #2 woman sounds kind of miserable.

 

Who wants to hook up with someone who will drain you of your own happiness and not add to it?

 

I think that's why #1 woman is attractive to more people. She has positive energy.

 

I tend to agree. Nobody wants to be around someone who saps their energy and that's what negative/depressed people tend to do.

[monkey00]

so i am trying to get help by reading this thread. i have low self-esteem, but everyone tells me i am handsome, fit, good personality, highly-educated, etc. i just don't believe them for some crazy reason. my therapist even called me good looking...and of course i think they are all being nice to me. oddly enough i am bold...i can walk up to the prettiest girl and just tell her she is beautiful w/out ever seeing her before...but of course i am not trying to score her number so it's easy to go half way and not find out. these problems have led me to settle w/ a lazy, unambitious woman...but she looks pretty (which probably satisfies my greatest fear to be met). which leads to my fear of never being able to find someone else.

 

1. It is largely due to comparing myself to other guys and feeling like well they are better looking...CaliGuy is right regarding that...it will devastate you. I need to stop that. I am not Brad Pitt and i have to accept it and i am also not the elephant man.

2. I feel my hair has thinned...everyone tells me it looks the same as last year. but again i compare myself to other guys and just feel less. and then my low self-esteem spirals out of control.

3. I don't understand the difference between attraction and finding someone good looking...hence people tell me i am handsome and attractive, but i think there are better looking guys out there. i always think that i may not be able to get past the initial attraction phase. i think i place too much emphasis on this issue and it leads me to have lower self-esteem. boy...i am neurotic about his now i realize...it has got to stop.

 

for the most part you guys seem like you have your heads on right...i'd appreciate the responses to my craziness.

 

There comes a point in your life where you have to accept and realize you're not perfect. Yeah its probably true, no matter how good you think you are performing at your job, there's probably someone who can do it 3x as well, thus the same applies to looks.

 

Accept your flaws and live the way you want without letting others opinion about you dictate your decision making. One's flaws is what makes each individual unique.

 

I dont know why it is but most good looking people I met or know have some kind of innocence/honesty/naiveness thing about them. Simply put confidence and a healthy self-esteem requires a bit of arrogance in order for it to work.

[CaliGuy]

I dont know why it is but most good looking people I met or know have some kind of innocence/honesty/naiveness thing about them.

 

Most extremely attractive people I have met (not all) display varying levels of insecurity. At least as far as I have noticed. They seem to notice their flaws more.

 

Simply put confidence and a healthy self-esteem requires a bit of arrogance in order for it to work.

 

Maybe, but if there is an air of arrogance that is displayed then it's not truly confidence and self-esteem. It's cocky-ness. Kind of the stuff David DeAngelo teaches (which is cocky/funny instead of truly accepting one's self).

[monkey00]

Most extremely attractive people I have met (not all) display varying levels of insecurity. At least as far as I have noticed. They seem to notice their flaws more.

I think everyone has insecurities to a certain degree, which is part of the problem. they probably get checked out several times in a day, and from that they let it get to their heads and start worrying. And another part of it has to do with the fact they they themselves face a problem in meeting people who are more like them - possibly careful in choosing who their friends are because rejection hurts - a plausible reasons why they cant just 'be themselves' because they arent comfortable in their own skins.

 

Maybe, but if there is an air of arrogance that is displayed then it's not truly confidence and self-esteem. It's cocky-ness. Kind of the stuff David DeAngelo teaches (which is cocky/funny instead of truly accepting one's self).

 

Hm, well my interpretation of arrogance in this case is about not caring if people look at you or worry about what they think, or worry about rejection. Perhaps a better word for it would be tolerance.

 

I think its natural and ok for humans to get cocky from time to time - just dont let the ego inflate.

[CaliGuy]

I think everyone has insecurities to a certain degree, which is part of the problem. they probably get checked out several times in a day, and from that they let it get to their heads and start worrying. And another part of it has to do with the fact they they themselves face a problem in meeting people who are more like them - possibly careful in choosing who their friends are because rejection hurts - a plausible reasons why they cant just 'be themselves' because they arent comfortable in their own skins.

 

True. We all have insecurities, but it's how we deal with them (ie: We don't let them run our lives or determine our self-worth) that differentiates those who are insecure from those who are confident and self-assured.

 

Hm, well my interpretation of arrogance in this case is about not caring if people look at you or worry about what they think, or worry about rejection. Perhaps a better word for it would be tolerance.

 

I think its natural and ok for humans to get cocky from time to time - just dont let the ego inflate.

 

I tend to think that not caring about what others think of you is more a sign of self-assuredness and confidence than arrogance.

 

Confidence says "I am fine just as I am" (said to one's self)

Arrogance says "I am all that and a box of crackers" -- and let's everyone know about it.

 

Confidence is quiet and does not boast. The most confident people I know never, ever feel the need to tell others how great they are. They let their actions speak for them.

 

I agree, it's ok to be cocky, just do it very sparingly.

[johan]

I think people who truly have confidence figured out spend almost no time thinking about it. I think thinking about it and discussing it undermines your ability to have it.

[Trialbyfire]

Personal confidence is very important. If someone has concerns, they need to learn to have sufficient confidence in self in order to properly communicate. Point blank gentlemen, nut up and believe in yourselves.

[johan]

I think the truly confident guy understands himself well enough to know he isn't going to feel confident or secure all the time. I think the truly confident person knows how to recover when insecurities hit. It's not that you never feel like crap about yourself. It's that you are able to understand what gets to you, and then get around it.

 

"Nut up"?

[Trialbyfire]

Is confidence a matter of getting around issues or is the ability to face and conquer concerns, issues, insecurities the definition of confidence? Once someone faces issues, etc., they can begin to resolve them.

 

Nut up = man up.

[johan]

Is confidence a matter of getting around issues or is the ability to face and conquer concerns, issues, insecurities the definition of confidence? Once someone faces issues, etc., they can begin to resolve them.

 

Yes to all of the above. There are some insecurities you'll never conquer. Humans are built to protect themselves from threats. And you never reach a point in your life where you are immune to perceiving things as threats. Anyone can get jealous, misinterpret signals, care too much, feel self-critical, lose confidence. So whether you conquer it in the near term or in the long term or forever is not important. The most important skill you can have is to learn to understand what you're feeling and then find a way to quickly put that aside it so you can move on.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes to all of the above. There are some insecurities you'll never conquer. Humans are built to protect themselves from threats. And you never reach a point in your life where you are immune to perceiving things as threats. Anyone can get jealous, misinterpret signals, care too much, feel self-critical, lose confidence. So whether you conquer it in the near term or in the long term or forever is not important. The most important skill you can have is to learn to understand what you're feeling and then find a way to quickly put that aside it so you can move on.

Okay. I can respect your points.

[thepinched]

I think the idea of being able to hold up through the ups and downs of the day is probably the true sign of self-esteem. it's easy to feel good one day and really easy to get thrown for a loop the next. because you really aren't a master of your own self yet. the outside environment will influence you too much. rather than simply not caring about it.

 

thanks CaliGuy. that makes sense in theory. i guess i am working on it. and it is true that i look for things that i find important..ie looks and what not. so i end up with a shallow but pretty girl. that solves your basic needs to get accepted, but not your wants to be fulfilled. and the cycle starts again.

[CaliGuy]

thanks CaliGuy. that makes sense in theory. i guess i am working on it. and it is true that i look for things that i find important..ie looks and what not. so i end up with a shallow but pretty girl. that solves your basic needs to get accepted, but not your wants to be fulfilled. and the cycle starts again.

 

Bingo. There is no long term satisfaction in temporary outward looks.

[cutegirl]

Most guys would probably pick #2. On a public forum they would probably say #1 but in real life I think they "might" go with #2. Perhaps some guys even WANT to pick #1 because it seems like the logically thing to do but when push comes to shove they will pick #2.

 

Men are programmed to pick certain features in their mates : big eyes, big boobs, small waist with bigger hips etc because these characteristics signal youth and the ability of the woman to bear children. No matter how much mankind has progressed and how much we are able to reason analytically, these instincts are still programmed deep within men...

 

And IF the guy picks #1, I think they will pick #1 to marry and cheat on her on the side with #2.

[CaliGuy]

Most guys would probably pick #2. On a public forum they would probably say #1 but in real life I think they "might" go with #2. Perhaps some guys even WANT to pick #1 because it seems like the logically thing to do but when push comes to shove they will pick #2.

 

Men are programmed to pick certain features in their mates : big eyes, big boobs, small waist with bigger hips etc because these characteristics signal youth and the ability of the woman to bear children. No matter how much mankind has progressed and how much we are able to reason analytically, these instincts are still programmed deep within men...

 

And IF the guy picks #1, I think they will pick #1 to marry and cheat on her on the side with #2.

 

Guys pick #1 to marry because a good majority is based on how someone makes you feel, not how they look.

 

Guys who marry #1 and cheat with #2 are not the kind of guys #1 would marry anyway.