He contacted me (follow up to Enough!)

[McFadden]

Well my question about whether to contact my ex in Enough! Breaking NC has become null and void because after 5 months of NC from my side, he has contacted me out of nowhere. I don't take this too lightly, because I already know from people that he made a scene of deleting and throwing out my contact info and saying he wouldn't try to contact me again. So he went and looked me up again, there must be some reason besides to say hi.

 

All he has said is hey, can we talk and I haven't replied. He still is dating the new girlfriend, she is ill right now. My instincts are telling me that he wants to feel things out with me, while still keeping her in the picture. My instincts are also telling me that he is contacting because he has heard I'm dating again and wants to screw things up.

 

I have mixed reactions about the whole thing. I still want to tell him off, but as everyone who has read my posts here knows I still love my ex and want to get back together with him.

 

Does anyone have insight on what he might mean by contacting me at this point? How should I respond?

[CaliGuy]

Well my question about whether to contact my ex in Enough! Breaking NC has become null and void because after 5 months of NC from my side, he has contacted me out of nowhere. I don't take this too lightly, because I already know from people that he made a scene of deleting and throwing out my contact info and saying he wouldn't try to contact me again. So he went and looked me up again, there must be some reason besides to say hi.

 

All he has said is hey, can we talk and I haven't replied. He still is dating the new girlfriend, she is ill right now. My instincts are telling me that he wants to feel things out with me, while still keeping her in the picture. My instincts are also telling me that he is contacting because he has heard I'm dating again and wants to screw things up.

 

I have mixed reactions about the whole thing. I still want to tell him off, but as everyone who has read my posts here knows I still love my ex and want to get back together with him.

 

Does anyone have insight on what he might mean by contacting me at this point? How should I respond?

 

You are plan b.

 

My advice. DO NOT RESPOND! Call friends, hang out with them, etc.

 

And remember, in stone, how this guy treated you and what he said when he walked away.

 

Don't you deserve better? I think you do.

 

Stand firm! NO CONTACT.

[McFadden]

Thats all fine and good but I would rather be plan B than no chance at all (which is what everyone here told me was the situation). A lot of my friends think that he is trying to feel out if I still want to get back together and if I do he may dump her. I would be all for that if it happened. But I'm afraid he just wants to meddle in my life now that he hears I'm dating.

[passionpeach]

You of all people know what kind of person your ex is so you are the best judge to his actions. But still, if you are feeling confused about what to do then I suggest that you play it safe rather than taking the risk of getting hurt again. If you do not reply to him and he pushes it... just stand your ground. Think about yourself above everything else. He should get his head straight and see your worth!

[Pixie-Minx]

personally curiousity is going to get the better of you if you still love him,

so persoanlly i think you need to sound this out, now u have left a bit of time, contact him back and just ask what about, he may not reply tho, if he does play it from there. remember u are not worth second best, you have to be first at all times!!!!

[peechy06]

This is your chance to play hard to get and be in control. If you are the one he wants to truly be with rather than this new girl, he definately has to prove it through his actions. If I were you I would contact him back but just be short and to the point...see what he wants. After that, DO NOT initiate contact. He has to do the work. You said you have been trying to date again...have you met anyone you have really clicked with? Just keep in mind there are great guys out there (even if they are hard to find) and dating new people might work out a lot better for you in the long run then going back to the ex.

[McFadden]

I'm not clicking with anyone and I know the ex is the one in the long run. I think he might come around. Otherwise why would he keep trying to contact me for months. But I'm going to ignore it until this new gf is out of the picture.

[CaliGuy]

Thats all fine and good but I would rather be plan B than no chance at all (which is what everyone here told me was the situation). A lot of my friends think that he is trying to feel out if I still want to get back together and if I do he may dump her. I would be all for that if it happened. But I'm afraid he just wants to meddle in my life now that he hears I'm dating.

 

So you'd be happy being #2 in his life. You realize, that probably means the rest of your life. As in, he just wnats to be with you until he finds someone he likes better.

 

You don't have more respect for yourself than that?

[CaliGuy]

I'm not clicking with anyone and I know the ex is the one in the long run. I think he might come around. Otherwise why would he keep trying to contact me for months. But I'm going to ignore it until this new gf is out of the picture.

 

So he can score during the downtime between the women he calls girlfriends.........and you.

 

You can't see that?

[McFadden]

I should have known not to post on here. Its too militant. I guess no one believes in second chances.

 

I guess I am supposed to be better off dating people I don't connect with for the rest of my life.

[McFadden]

If all of you guys on LS don't want me in contact with my ex well I guess I will go shag that 14 year old boy that I posted about in another thread. LS can't veto everything for me.

[alasia]

McFadden; I'm in a similar situation to you, in that I still love my ex more than anything.

He wants nothing more to do with me (not sure if you've read my other posts?) and I should be glad of that - he constantly put me down and treated me badly when we were together, spent too much time with a certain female 'friend' and dropped me lots of times to go and hang around with her. He controlled me, tried to throttle me a few times and then when we split up he was worse - he'd say all kinds of hurtful things like I was to blame for the break up, I was his worst relationship, called me all the names under the sun, 2 months ago he said he still loved me and wanted to get back together - then he changed his mind 3 days later and said he hated me and wanted me out of his life for good, and to top it all; he recently he said he wants nothing to do with our baby (I'm 7 months pregnant), doesn't even want to know when it's born and asked for a dna test then said he hopes the baby is proven not to be his.

 

Yet despite all this...my heart still loves him. My head says he's an immature, controlling, self centred p***k but I know that if my ex said he wanted to try again, I'd take him back in a second.

 

I can see why you think it's a bit militant on here; I've felt it myself sometimes when I've posted and all I get is either my thread being ignored, or people saying "get over it" - when I see other threads saying practically the same thing, yet they've got 20 other posters supporting them and giving them cyber hugs!

 

From reading this post, hopefully you can see my ex is a t**t but I still feel the same about him as you do for your ex; so please listen to me and believe me when I say I'm not militant, pro-NC or anti second-chance at all.

 

Personally, what I'd do if I was in your situation is ignore him. For now.

 

If he cares about you enough and truly wants to be with you, he'll pursue you even if you ignore him. It won't put him off, and he'll really try hard to win you round.

 

Don't give in at first, I'd say wait until he's contacted you at least 3 times and then maybe send him a short message saying you'd like to know what he wants - and make a point of saying you've been busy lately/are busy. Make it seem like you have a buzzing social life and that's why you've missed his calls

If he wants to meet up, you can agree but don't be too quick to do it, maybe you should suggest a date to meet up that surts you - but ONLY if he's asked you to meet first.

 

Basically it's that old 'playing hard to get' thing. Make him work for you, and if he does you know he really wants you. Take care though, because personally if my was ex with someone and she was ill, yet he still chased after me, I'd be very suspicious of his intentions.

[McFadden]

McFadden; I'm in a similar situation to you, in that I still love my ex more than anything.

He wants nothing more to do with me (not sure if you've read my other posts?) and I should be glad of that - he constantly put me down and treated me badly when we were together, spent too much time with a certain female 'friend' and dropped me lots of times to go and hang around with her. He controlled me, tried to throttle me a few times and then when we split up he was worse - he'd say all kinds of hurtful things like I was to blame for the break up, I was his worst relationship, called me all the names under the sun, 2 months ago he said he still loved me and wanted to get back together - then he changed his mind 3 days later and said he hated me and wanted me out of his life for good, and to top it all; he recently he said he wants nothing to do with our baby (I'm 7 months pregnant), doesn't even want to know when it's born and asked for a dna test then said he hopes the baby is proven not to be his.

 

Yet despite all this...my heart still loves him. My head says he's an immature, controlling, self centred p***k but I know that if my ex said he wanted to try again, I'd take him back in a second.

 

I can see why you think it's a bit militant on here; I've felt it myself sometimes when I've posted and all I get is either my thread being ignored, or people saying "get over it" - when I see other threads saying practically the same thing, yet they've got 20 other posters supporting them and giving them cyber hugs!

 

From reading this post, hopefully you can see my ex is a t**t but I still feel the same about him as you do for your ex; so please listen to me and believe me when I say I'm not militant, pro-NC or anti second-chance at all.

 

Personally, what I'd do if I was in your situation is ignore him. For now.

 

If he cares about you enough and truly wants to be with you, he'll pursue you even if you ignore him. It won't put him off, and he'll really try hard to win you round.

 

Don't give in at first, I'd say wait until he's contacted you at least 3 times and then maybe send him a short message saying you'd like to know what he wants - and make a point of saying you've been busy lately/are busy. Make it seem like you have a buzzing social life and that's why you've missed his calls

If he wants to meet up, you can agree but don't be too quick to do it, maybe you should suggest a date to meet up that surts you - but ONLY if he's asked you to meet first.

 

Basically it's that old 'playing hard to get' thing. Make him work for you, and if he does you know he really wants you. Take care though, because personally if my was ex with someone and she was ill, yet he still chased after me, I'd be very suspicious of his intentions.

 

 

Yes, I have read some of your posts and I agree that your ex sounds pretty horrible, and its a tough situation. (hugs) I don't think that my ex is as difficult of a person, but I don't know. The reason I start to get so frustrated is that I wanted to contact him, but everyone kept telling me stay NC, and that he had forgotten about me and didn't care or know I existed. I stayed in NC and finally he contacted me. Then I'm told that I don't get to reply. I am just becoming so frustrated.

 

I agree that one "Hey can we talk" while he has a gf doesn't deserve a reply from me though, I will wait and see what else happens. He has tried on and off for months and everyone in my life tells me I shouldn't ignore him but instead I listened to the LS advice. No one here knows every minute detail of the situation so I don't think people can make definitive blanket statements. He just turned 18 when we were dating, in my personal opinion (and his friends opinions) I think he just didn't want to be in one relationship for too long before seeing what was out there. But I still think he keeps contacting me because I have been on his mind and I don't think its because he is going to try to use me or something. You can all keep saying that he is but I'm the only one here who even knows the individual.

[Nanachu]

Many of us believe second chance and are very supportive. It just that second chance should have a low success rate especially when it does not start right. Dumper needs to understand what he/she has done to dumpee, both clearly need to understand what was his issues, her issues, and their issues and they both should be willing to work things out together. Based on what you wrote, it does not sound that your ex has changed and/or is willing to change.

 

The fact that you are dating someone you are not that into is completely different story. People here are telling you to focus on yourself, not encouraging you to go with someone who you do not like.

 

Many people here went through what you are going through, tons of trials and errors. But, it is up to you to take the advice or not. If you have to do it, you have to do it. Your ex may surprise you, no one knows what he is really thinking.

 

Good luck,

[CaliGuy]

I should have known not to post on here. Its too militant. I guess no one believes in second chances.

 

I guess I am supposed to be better off dating people I don't connect with for the rest of my life.

 

The problem with people who come here and ask for advice is they aren't looking for the best advice. Heck, they aren't even looking for advice at all.

 

They want "AFFIRMATION."

 

It's when the advice they receive conflicts with what they really want that they complain people are angry or "militant."

 

Has it ever occured to you that many of us have been through the same things and we've learned a lot?

 

If you want advice on how to procede, then ask and be prepared for opinons that very from yours.

 

If you just want people to agree with you, don't post it here. Talk to your girlfriends.

 

Or do they also agree you're being played too?

[CaliGuy]

If all of you guys on LS don't want me in contact with my ex well I guess I will go shag that 14 year old boy that I posted about in another thread. LS can't veto everything for me.

 

That's mature.

[McFadden]

The problem with people who come here and ask for advice is they aren't looking for the best advice. Heck, they aren't even looking for advice at all.

 

They want "AFFIRMATION."

 

It's when the advice they receive conflicts with what they really want that they complain people are angry or "militant."

 

Has it ever occured to you that many of us have been through the same things and we've learned a lot?

 

If you want advice on how to procede, then ask and be prepared for opinons that very from yours.

 

If you just want people to agree with you, don't post it here. Talk to your girlfriends.

 

Or do they also agree you're being played too?

 

 

My girl friends, my guy friends, and my family all think I'm crazy for ignoring my ex for six months because they know I love my ex. My mother just told me "If you refused to reply to him when he tried to contact you in the first place how did you expect him not to start dating other people?"

 

CaliGuy do you think that you are NOT militant and making blanket statements? I don't expect you to know the whole situation but I said we should be FWB in the first place and my ex refused even though he was single. So he probably would not be (physically) messing around with people while his girlfriend is ill. I don't know what he wants, it is possible he heard I started dating other people and he might regret breaking up and try to feel out the situation, its happened. How can you say its 100% not possible?

[CaliGuy]

My girl friends, my guy friends, and my family all think I'm crazy for ignoring my ex for six months because they know I love my ex. My mother just told me "If you refused to reply to him when he tried to contact you in the first place how did you expect him not to start dating other people?"

 

Do they not understand that he has a girlfriend right now? Do they not understand why men who contact their exs when they are dating someone else are simply looking for a standby?

 

What he is doing is classic. He wants to make sure you are available when he dumps the other girl so that he has a steady sex partner until the next one comes along.

 

If you respect yourself, REALLY respect yourself, you'll stay away from this guy.

 

CaliGuy do you think that you are NOT militant and making blanket statements?

 

Not at all because his behavior and yours is a classic case study that can be found in numeration around LS. Just do a few searches.

 

And think about it. Why would people who do not know you bother to give you advice unless they recognized what's happening and really cared? If I thought this guy's behavior was good for you I'd say go for it.

 

It's not about being "militant" = it's about "been there, done that." And who better to get advice from about men but other men?

 

His behavior suggest that you're a #2. If you are satisfied with always being a back-burner woman to this man, then by all means, go for it. Nobody is stopping you. What is being made clear is his behavior is not healthy for YOU.

 

I don't expect you to know the whole situation but I said we should be FWB in the first place and my ex refused even though he was single. So he probably would not be (physically) messing around with people while his girlfriend is ill. I don't know what he wants, it is possible he heard I started dating other people and he might regret breaking up and try to feel out the situation, its happened. How can you say its 100% not possible?

 

Well that's also proof that FWB is never a good idea. If you just wanted to be FWB with this guy and now you're heartbroken well, no wonder the guy thinks of you this way. He doesn't respect you. And no man ever respects a FWB. Ever.

 

I don't care what he tells you.

[McFadden]

You seem old fashioned and like you view sex as like a commodity or something. I have like 2 FWB and I don't care if they "respect" me, I want certain people for FWB and I don't need the "respect" of some male to validate my existance. Do you think females are nothing if a male doesn't respect them and the only way they can be worthy of respect is to deny themselves what they want to do? But of course the male having sex is still "respectable?" I can't believe someone said FWB is never a good idea.

 

And I repeat my ex is not looking for a steady supply of sex in between relationships. He does not even have sex in between relationships, he turned down FWB. Why do you keep boxing it into that situation?

 

And yes I know that he has a girlfriend right now but its understandable if he feels out the situation with me while dating her. I'm keeping the people I'm dating right now on board until anything conclusive happens.

[CaliGuy]

You seem old fashioned and like you view sex as like a commodity or something. I have like 2 FWB and I don't care if they "respect" me, I want certain people for FWB and I don't need the "respect" of some male to validate my existance. Do you think females are nothing if a male doesn't respect them and the only way they can be worthy of respect is to deny themselves what they want to do? But of course the male having sex is still "respectable?" I can't believe someone said FWB is never a good idea.

 

And I repeat my ex is not looking for a steady supply of sex in between relationships. He does not even have sex in between relationships, he turned down FWB. Why do you keep boxing it into that situation?

 

And yes I know that he has a girlfriend right now but its understandable if he feels out the situation with me while dating her. I'm keeping the people I'm dating right now on board until anything conclusive happens.

 

You're 19 and you "think" like a 19 year old. You still have a lot to learn.

[McFadden]

When you don't agree with someone its because you're older than them. Yeah, that really makes your points valid.

[CaliGuy]

When you don't agree with someone its because you're older than them. Yeah, that really makes your points valid.

 

You're not tracking, so let me help.

 

What I am saying is that you are young and inexperienced in life and relationships in general. I don't agree with you in regards to FWB because I've seen it cause nothing but pain, time and time again. Someone always gets hurt.

 

You're hurting right now, even though originally you saw this guy as "just a FWB." There is no such thing.

 

When you get older, much older, you'll look back at this experience and say "What the heck was I thinking!??"

 

Even though I have laid things out in black and white for you, you still will neither believe more OR understand. You will have to get hurt and burned several times in your life before it all starts to make sense.

 

That's all part of growing up and maturing.

 

I'm not insulting you, as we've ALL been there. When I was your age, I used to think the same way. It's not that I'm old fashined.

 

I'm just a lot more mature and wiser than I used to be.

 

Cheers.

[McFadden]

Ok, I think I didn't understand what you were saying before because I didn't explain what happened in the first place. I was never FWB with this guy. We were in a relationship. Then he broke up with me and wanted to be 'friends without benefits.' I either wanted FWB or no contact. So it has been no contact. He isn't a FWBer.

 

Now he is contacting but I guess I won't reply for now.

[alasia]

McFadden, sorry for butting in again but I had to reply...honestly, you're sounding just like me.

 

Can you do me a favour?

Do a search on my username and re-read a few of my posts.

I know you said you've read some of my threads in the past, but just read through them again, and specifically; look at the way I answer people who reply to my posts (people like Lorr and CaliGuy).

 

Back then, I was doing exactly the same as you; making 'excuses' for my ex, saying that other posters don't know the situation...blah blah. Basically, I was looking at my situation through rose tinted glasses, and as CaliGuy says; I posted to get affirmation; I wasn't asking for actual advice - because when people gave me advice (that I can now see was probably correct), I totally ignored it.

 

I don't expect you to know the whole situation but I said we should be FWB in the first place and my ex refused even though he was single. So he probably would not be (physically) messing around with people while his girlfriend is ill.

 

I said pretty much the same thing to Lorr once, I think. My ex never did the sex out of relationships thing, I too offered myself as a FWB (no idea why because I'm not 'that' sort of person) and he turned me down, saying he couldn't do it to me, had more respect for me than that, etc.

And then what happened a few weeks later? He'd lost all respect for me and decided to just take what I was offering. You might think you won't end up like that, but it seems like that's where it's heading; honestly it does.

 

By the way, I want to ask; do you really think that your ex 'feeling out' the situation with you while he's with someone else is the right way to behave? Because I don't. Add the fact his gf is ill at the moment and that makes it even worse!

 

And before you say I don't know the situation; you're right, but I've had similar - while I was with my ex, I thought we were happy. I found some texts messages on his phone the day after he'd been telling me he loved me "more than anything". The texts had been sent to a female 'friend' of his, saying that he loved her and missed her when she wasn't there. There was also one saying something like "you're right, the ball's in my court now. I hate what I'm doing".

 

Reading those messages, it looked like he was cheating. He swore (and still does) that he hadn't cheated, and he'd just meant he loves her as a friend. Now looking back, I think he was 'feeling out' the situation with her just like your ex is doing. That's not right. He was with me at the time but thionking about being with soneone else. The thought of it still hurts, so for you to justify this kind of behaviour...it's just wrong. Just because someone doesn't do anything 'physical' with people while he has a gf, doesn't mean that it's any less hurtful to the girlfriend when the thoughts of doing something are obviously there.

 

Don't be his back up plan, if he really cares about you and you care about him, what's the harm in backing off for a while and when he's single, maybe take things from there.

[McFadden]

I'm not justifying his behavior! My ex is a ****ty person! I have known that since I dated him.

 

It is wrong that he is trying to feel out the situation with me while he has a girlfriend who would probaby be upset if she knew about it. I have been doing what LS says but I am not happy and I'm not getting happier. After months he contacts me but I'm told I can't reply. So fine, I didn't reply. See all I do is FOLLOW the frikin LS advice I get and still people say I'm not following it good enough. I am so mad at this point.