Re: Too Many EXes in her life...

[Nat]

If they are just exes than why not join your girlfiend in her visits with them?? She should be proud to introduce you. I f she is not comfortable with that then there might be more to it. If you have waited three years to "find yourself" and have set up a criteria for your next relationship then listen to your heart and make a move..

 

Good Luck

 

Hi, (this is a long one) To give you the rundown, I have been single for 3 years, and 2 months ago met someone who--for the first time--sparked powerful thoughts of "could be the one." Our relationship took off, but a few weeks ago she told me that one of her exes (who's in the military) is coming home for the holidays and "she's going to spend time with him." Now before this, I knew that the guy still had feelings for her because they keep in touch regularly and she told me. Since she was friends with him for years before their romance, she found it easy to make plans to spend time on Christmas with him (before I asked her what she was doing). We talked about it two weeks ago because I was wondering if there was still "something there" between the two of them, and she told me no -- and I trust her on her intent, but I wonder where her feelings are. A few days ago, he called her and she "set him straight" by letting him know nothing could happen between them, that she cannot have anything with him.

 

So tonight I wanted to see her but it turns out that this is the day the military ex is coming home and I would've been one of his greeters upon his arrival to the USA -- a situation I feel most uncomfortable with -- for myself, for him, and for her. So here I am at home writing to the Loveshack.

 

However, she has also been spending time with another ex, who she went out with for 5 years (they broke up a year ago, but she had a "thing" with him 9 months ago), because just last week his dad tragically became hospitalized. According to her, she needed "to help him" -- and I can understand. However, a few days ago, he confessed to her that he still loves her -- she of course had to "set him straight" on that too. I feel like she is still trying to rectify situations with her past, while I have already done so. I went out with someone for 5 years, purposely took time to "get to know myself" and get over my past so that my heart would be free to give to someone else -- and that was 3 years ago. I feel like she is where I was 3 years ago, but not where I am today. I worry that her heart is not free because -- for myself -- there was still so much to learn after spending all that time with someone. I also fear that these relationships with her old exes are unhealthy -- and I have reservations about getting deep with someone who cannot have healthy relationships with others. From what I know so far, she has few--if any--female friends, and it seems these exes are still a big part of her life. The way I've been feeling is that her and I just don't see eye to eye on what's an appropriate place for exes to be -- for me, in general, I believe exes should be in the past. And I feel like I've been dealing with her past, while I don't have these same situations haunting me today. It's really preventing me from getting close to her.

 

I just want to become a part of her life, but since these exes seem to be such a big part of it still, I wonder if this is something I can deal with emotionally. However, I made a commitment to myself that the next person with potential, I will put 110% into making it work if possible, so I'm not ready to give up -- but I also am hesitating to get deeply involved because I am comfortable waiting for the right one to come along. I just feel drained and need to know if I'm merely being overly sensitive about her situations with the exes and need to find ways of learning how to deal with it. I just don't know how much of all this is "her stuff" and how much of it is "my stuff." I want to sort it out so I can make a commitment. I told her how I felt last night, but tonight, here I am at home while the ex is over with her. I can't help but feel confused and wonder that "the one" (for me) will be more "free" of the wreckage, like I am now. Maybe we're just not on the same page, but I could use some advice. This thing is still early enough where a graceful withdrawal is easy, but I'd really like to try to make this work -- she has some great qualities and has been honest with me about everything. Thanks for listening.

[Mag]

Hi Hopeless

 

This woman you're seeing seems somewhat like me. I'm not friends will all my exes but I do have friendships with some of them (as you know from my own advice-requesting message). When my current ex (let's call him A) and I were dating, he actually met one of my exes (let's call him B). When A and I were dating, I told him all about B and told him we were still friends. He (A) was very comfortable with the whole thing (at least he seemed to be). You just have to realize that this military guy is just an ex and that she is with you now because she wants to be with you and not her ex. Sometimes strong friendships are formed when you date someone for a long time and it is very difficult to just leave the friendship behind because the two of you didn't work out as a couple. I don't know what else to tell you other than trust her but if it does make you that uncomfortable then communicate. Communication is the key to all relationships.

Hi, (this is a long one) To give you the rundown, I have been single for 3 years, and 2 months ago met someone who--for the first time--sparked powerful thoughts of "could be the one." Our relationship took off, but a few weeks ago she told me that one of her exes (who's in the military) is coming home for the holidays and "she's going to spend time with him." Now before this, I knew that the guy still had feelings for her because they keep in touch regularly and she told me. Since she was friends with him for years before their romance, she found it easy to make plans to spend time on Christmas with him (before I asked her what she was doing). We talked about it two weeks ago because I was wondering if there was still "something there" between the two of them, and she told me no -- and I trust her on her intent, but I wonder where her feelings are. A few days ago, he called her and she "set him straight" by letting him know nothing could happen between them, that she cannot have anything with him.

 

So tonight I wanted to see her but it turns out that this is the day the military ex is coming home and I would've been one of his greeters upon his arrival to the USA -- a situation I feel most uncomfortable with -- for myself, for him, and for her. So here I am at home writing to the Loveshack.

 

However, she has also been spending time with another ex, who she went out with for 5 years (they broke up a year ago, but she had a "thing" with him 9 months ago), because just last week his dad tragically became hospitalized. According to her, she needed "to help him" -- and I can understand. However, a few days ago, he confessed to her that he still loves her -- she of course had to "set him straight" on that too. I feel like she is still trying to rectify situations with her past, while I have already done so. I went out with someone for 5 years, purposely took time to "get to know myself" and get over my past so that my heart would be free to give to someone else -- and that was 3 years ago. I feel like she is where I was 3 years ago, but not where I am today. I worry that her heart is not free because -- for myself -- there was still so much to learn after spending all that time with someone. I also fear that these relationships with her old exes are unhealthy -- and I have reservations about getting deep with someone who cannot have healthy relationships with others. From what I know so far, she has few--if any--female friends, and it seems these exes are still a big part of her life. The way I've been feeling is that her and I just don't see eye to eye on what's an appropriate place for exes to be -- for me, in general, I believe exes should be in the past. And I feel like I've been dealing with her past, while I don't have these same situations haunting me today. It's really preventing me from getting close to her.

 

I just want to become a part of her life, but since these exes seem to be such a big part of it still, I wonder if this is something I can deal with emotionally. However, I made a commitment to myself that the next person with potential, I will put 110% into making it work if possible, so I'm not ready to give up -- but I also am hesitating to get deeply involved because I am comfortable waiting for the right one to come along. I just feel drained and need to know if I'm merely being overly sensitive about her situations with the exes and need to find ways of learning how to deal with it. I just don't know how much of all this is "her stuff" and how much of it is "my stuff." I want to sort it out so I can make a commitment. I told her how I felt last night, but tonight, here I am at home while the ex is over with her. I can't help but feel confused and wonder that "the one" (for me) will be more "free" of the wreckage, like I am now. Maybe we're just not on the same page, but I could use some advice. This thing is still early enough where a graceful withdrawal is easy, but I'd really like to try to make this work -- she has some great qualities and has been honest with me about everything. Thanks for listening.

[michael]

OK bud,,listen up! The very beginning of 1997 I met the only girl I have ever loved.She pursued me,,wanted to be with me 24/7,and seemed Madly in love with me.I became so infatuated with her.It was bliss.I soon fell deeply in love and asked her to marry me.To make a very,very long story short,she was an abusive user.She herself was still stuck in her past broken hearted relationships.Not to mention a chemical imbalance.Anyways,any one of her "episodes" she would pull when she didnt get her selfish way,would result in her talking about old boyfreinds.Things like @^$@^%#@# (having sex),with them,,and graphic details of how much better they were,etc,etc,,.When ever she would get tired or insecure of the relationship,she would start a senseless,pointless argument about nothing.This was always a ploy to just go out with her girlfreinds and be a tramp.She actually slept with a guy one time.The reason it would upset me soooo much is that she ALWAYS had the intention of coming back.I was safe,secure and unconditional love.One of her x's was a freind of her cousin and last summer (98) came up here to Maine to be his best man in the wedding.She conveniently broke up with me for 3 weeks.The reason was obvious.She wanted to see him.Now,every once in a while before this,she would call him when we argued and would spill her guts about our private matters.It made me extremely jealous.Probably due to the fact she always compared me to him and talked graphically about the sex they had,,and she had wished was back.She honestly gave me a reason.So anyways,after this wedding,I hadnt heard from her in 3 weeks,until one day,she popped back into my life and swore up and down nothing happened.Well,hindsight is 50/50.We are over since Dec.98.After a very bitter,painful ending.I put up with alot of her unfaithfulness.** Cheating is NOT only just physically having sex with someone.It is emotional commitment.Old boyfreinds belong in the PAST.There is no reason to have a continued relationship with x- lovers.Your new and current lover should give you what you need.* Question 1.,Did your girlfreinds have a "normal" and loving childhood,especially with her father?? She obviously has loyalty issues.Please dont be blind as I was.i hope I dont sound to pesimistic here,but,she very well could be having relations with these x's.She see's them for a REASON/Emotionally or physically.In any case,this behavior is NOT acceptable.Dont beat yourself up about it.I have been there and while every one is different,She seems like a classis example of a girl with bonding issues,and not letting go of the heartache from her old boyfreind.She still loves him,,thats it.Been there,done that.Oh yeah,my girlfreinds x,in the wedding,,she admittied to me this past year that she had sex with him that time.he even cooked her a "wonderful" dinner that night.So,ultimately,I slept with her after him,and was told otherwise.(yuck) The girl I loved gone forever.much more happened here,and sorry this was soo long,but please dont go through what i did.Set some rules,and if she cant stop hurting you since she can,,drop her like a hot potato.good luck whatever you decide,

 

Your freind,

 

MIKE Hi, (this is a long one)

To give you the rundown, I have been single for 3 years, and 2 months ago met someone who--for the first time--sparked powerful thoughts of "could be the one." Our relationship took off, but a few weeks ago she told me that one of her exes (who's in the military) is coming home for the holidays and "she's going to spend time with him." Now before this, I knew that the guy still had feelings for her because they keep in touch regularly and she told me. Since she was friends with him for years before their romance, she found it easy to make plans to spend time on Christmas with him (before I asked her what she was doing). We talked about it two weeks ago because I was wondering if there was still "something there" between the two of them, and she told me no -- and I trust her on her intent, but I wonder where her feelings are. A few days ago, he called her and she "set him straight" by letting him know nothing could happen between them, that she cannot have anything with him.

 

So tonight I wanted to see her but it turns out that this is the day the military ex is coming home and I would've been one of his greeters upon his arrival to the USA -- a situation I feel most uncomfortable with -- for myself, for him, and for her. So here I am at home writing to the Loveshack.

 

However, she has also been spending time with another ex, who she went out with for 5 years (they broke up a year ago, but she had a "thing" with him 9 months ago), because just last week his dad tragically became hospitalized. According to her, she needed "to help him" -- and I can understand. However, a few days ago, he confessed to her that he still loves her -- she of course had to "set him straight" on that too. I feel like she is still trying to rectify situations with her past, while I have already done so. I went out with someone for 5 years, purposely took time to "get to know myself" and get over my past so that my heart would be free to give to someone else -- and that was 3 years ago. I feel like she is where I was 3 years ago, but not where I am today. I worry that her heart is not free because -- for myself -- there was still so much to learn after spending all that time with someone. I also fear that these relationships with her old exes are unhealthy -- and I have reservations about getting deep with someone who cannot have healthy relationships with others. From what I know so far, she has few--if any--female friends, and it seems these exes are still a big part of her life. The way I've been feeling is that her and I just don't see eye to eye on what's an appropriate place for exes to be -- for me, in general, I believe exes should be in the past. And I feel like I've been dealing with her past, while I don't have these same situations haunting me today. It's really preventing me from getting close to her.

 

I just want to become a part of her life, but since these exes seem to be such a big part of it still, I wonder if this is something I can deal with emotionally. However, I made a commitment to myself that the next person with potential, I will put 110% into making it work if possible, so I'm not ready to give up -- but I also am hesitating to get deeply involved because I am comfortable waiting for the right one to come along. I just feel drained and need to know if I'm merely being overly sensitive about her situations with the exes and need to find ways of learning how to deal with it. I just don't know how much of all this is "her stuff" and how much of it is "my stuff." I want to sort it out so I can make a commitment. I told her how I felt last night, but tonight, here I am at home while the ex is over with her. I can't help but feel confused and wonder that "the one" (for me) will be more "free" of the wreckage, like I am now. Maybe we're just not on the same page, but I could use some advice. This thing is still early enough where a graceful withdrawal is easy, but I'd really like to try to make this work -- she has some great qualities and has been honest with me about everything. Thanks for listening.