Addicted for no obvious reasons. HELP!!

[qetania]

I've been seeing this guy that wants nothing committed at this moment. #1 it's only been about 5 weeks #2 Another girl has been at his house, he gave a somewhat "fishy" story but I believe him. #3 Half the times I have been to his house, I have been "dumped off" onto his 20 yr old cousin #4 HE NEVER initiates anything. He tells me he wants me to call him or just stop by. Basically I have to "probe " him for everything. Sometimes we talk and things are great, other times I do not know if he even wants me around. OK without boring anyone to tears with every detail(I am also obsessed about talking about HIM)

 

Here are the excuses I tell myself.....He doesn't call because of my family answering the phone.

 

(he will call at all my friends house if I ask him to however)

 

H'es had a bad time this year due to a death in his family and a recent divorce.

 

He wants me to make ALL the moves to show how much I like him....(well, I did have a boyfriend that something like this happened with)

 

He works 2 jobs.

 

ok, Flat out, he is not even a great lover and I AM OBSESSED with this guy. I can't even get him out of my head. I want him. I need to know if I am just STUPID and how I can get myself out of this situation, or (ha ! if I should hang in there! )

 

I have pestered and drove all my friends insane with details, please someone HELP!

[smurfy73nik]

Okay, I am a friend of Addicted for No Obvious Reason.

 

Personally, I think the relationship is going nowhere. He's cute, but hard to read. I think, since he makes no initial contacts with her, and she has to do all the initiating, that this is a bad sign.

 

However, he has said to me, his heart has been "ripped out" by two previous ex's, and he is being cautious.

 

And, he has said, she is a nice girl and he likes her, but he just likes to take one day at a time.

 

She has expressed to me, she wants to "get over him". So, I suggested this website. HELP MY FRIEND! SHE REALLY IS ADDICTED!!!!

[clia]

qetania,

 

Smurfy is right!!! Listen to her!!! LOL.

 

#1 it's only been about 5 weeks

 

Fair enough that he doesn't want a commitment at this point. It's early.

 

#2 Another girl has been at his house, he gave a somewhat "fishy" story but I believe him.

 

I don't like the sound of this...

 

#3 Half the times I have been to his house, I have been "dumped off" onto his 20 yr old cousin

 

and I REALLY don't like this.

 

#4 HE NEVER initiates anything.

 

DO NOT make excuses for him. If he was really interested in you, trust me, he would call! He would initiate things. It doesn't matter how many times he's been hurt in the past, he would do these things if he liked you.

 

Sounds like you are caught up in "the thrill of the chase." Would you *really* like this guy if he was pursuing you, or do you just want what you aren't sure you can get?

 

Put some space between the two of you. Pull back. Do not allow him to see you unless he calls and asks you out. Stop going over to his house. Stop contacting him. Then you will really know how much he wants to see you. A man who is interested will call and want to know what you are up to and what you are doing.

 

Plus, if you put some space between you, it will allow you to take an objective look at things. You need time away from this man! Go to the gym. Go buy some cool new shoes. Go on dates with other guys. Go out with your girl friends all the time. Just get away from him and stay busy so you aren't stressing about it so much!

 

Good luck...

[yes]

i agree with clia, totally, but i know how you feel - i've also gotten obsessed with guys who i knew in my mind, were the WRONG ones to even think about.

 

my method so far has been - if im obsessed, i go for it - and yes, i get burned, but at least it's over sooner & i can move on. a better idea'd probably be to take control of yourself and move on without the burn.

 

i'd be curious to know the psychological reasons this happens - i mean, knowing clearly in your mind that this guy is so so wrong, and yet thinking about him all the time, craving his attention.

 

-yes ...

[clia]

It's the challenge.

 

I've been like this, too, but then the guy turns around and wants me, and I realize I don't want him as much as I thought I did.

 

Oops!

 

Sure, you can go for it, bother him, lose your dignity in the process, and get burned.

 

Or, you can silently drift away and leave him wondering what the hell happened to you.

 

As for me, I prefer the latter option.

 

How many burns does it take? How many guys does it take to realize that you need a guy who treats you how you want to be treated, a guy who doesn't force you to post on message boards and stress about stupid things like this? When you meet the right guy, you won't be stressing about it?. It will work. You won't be wondering why he doesn't call, or what is going on between the two of you. You just won't, because it will be right and he will be crazy about you.

 

Let me tell you something. The guy I'm dating now had a girl "stalking" him for the past two months. She was out of control, stopping by his apartment all the time, calling him, writing him letters, just would not stop contacting him. He did not like her. He liked me. And let me tell you, I never call that boy. And I never initiate anything or pursue anything. He comes after me because I'm NOT chasing him. Last week he finally had "the talk" with her and told her it wasn't going to happen. She cried.

 

I'm not the one left crying, am I? Nope. I was out with him tonight. Because I didn't chase him. I did not drive him CrAZeE with declarations of love and incessant chatter.

 

Guys like a challenge, just like we do.

 

Make yourself a challenge!

[midori]

I agree that a guy who sends mixed signals is a challenge, and it's one I've found alluring for many years. But I know that I'm not someone who only values something if it's difficult, etc. That's certainly not how I go about forming my friendships, for example. With friends, it's pretty clear: you either clickwith a person, like them and want to get to know them, or you don't.

 

I think the challeng of guys who send mixed signals like what you're describing here is that there's a mystery to solve: it's getting to the bottom of the mixed signals that engages me, and yes, has in the past had me obsessed with different guys. Like I want to become Nancy Drew and Solve The Mystery. No small coincidence that growing up I was an avid reader of mystery series (in fact my mother worried that I spent a little TOO much time reading and re-reading my mystery books). To this day I love shows like Law and Order (ok, I admit it!), shows that present a mystery and wrap it all up in the space of an hour (usually with the appropriate verdict, and always with a couple of twists); such shows are immensely satisfying to me.

 

Yes asked about the psychological underpinnings, and for me at least, it's about resolving the discrepancies between what a guy is saying and doing. Nothing winds me up like hypocrisy, obvious contradictions, and/or flawed logic. When those things are embodied in a guy that I'm attracted to for other reasons, it becomes irresistible to me.

 

Or, I should say, it WAS irresistible for me, because now that I'm aware of this tendency, I'm much less inclined to let it be an ingredient in my love life. Better to turn my need to identify and correct flawed reasoning toward more constructive things (since I'm in academia, there are abundant opportunities to redirecct this tendency). I'm finally seeing someone who doesn't seem to require major structural overhauls in logic and reasoning, and I must say it's rather nice.

 

That's what I've figured out about myself anyway. Maybe I'm unique in that. Maybe for you it really is the thrill of the chase that has you so excited about this guy. But it does sound like you're fully aware of the shortcomings of this guy, and your "relationship" with him; it sounds like you're drawn to him despite yourself. So maybe it's something else that has little to do with him specifically ...

[Tony T]

What are you doing...thinking about the mysteries of men at 4:30 in the morning? Get some sleep and you'll have us figured out in notime!

 

Good post and good advice!!!

[midori]

yeah, well, small bout of insomnia. Of course now I'd like nothing else than to be in bed ....

[DemJee22]

Take it from me. I was once obsessed with a man and had the same problems. He would rarely call, or return my calls. He would just blow off our dates with out any guilt and this went on for a year or so. Then he finally stopped calling all together. It took a while to get over him and it was hard. A couple of years later I ran into him. I wasn't dating anyone else at the time so I agreed to go out with him yet again. Well the funny thing was he was now really into me. Guess maybe the timing wasn't right for him back then. After a couple more dates I realized that I wasn't into him at all. I realized that it was all the challenge and/or the chase for me. So step back from this guy. He's not into you. Maybe he needs some time or better yet you just like the challenge. Be strong and Hang in there from one who has been there.

[siestakeypat]

we often times reason or rationalize our boyfriend's behaviors, i.e, read my post! i had a relationship with michael...who was verbally abusive to me and played mind games with me...for no reason and i was the "giver" in the relationship...he didn't hold a job, drank and smoked pot, but was romantic, very sexual and gave me tons of attention, just what i needed....all the things a girl needs to hear..but when i got mad or didn';t go along with the plan or didn't call back or search him out, watch out! this is what you are doing....rationalizing your guy's behavior....he is not ready...he is not seeking you out.....you like him but he is not returning the affection....give it some time...and quit seeking him out so much.....true love is the test of time.....let him come to you! this thing where he dumps you off on the cousin is ridiculous! you can do better.

[Jules]

Hey i think men are so confusing like i was with a guy a while ago and i kinda broke it up with him and we were contacting eachother for a while and i told him i still had feelings for him and he said he just saw me as a friend. i was so heartbroken. so a while after that i met someone else and when he found out he was so jealous. my friend said he still liked me and didnt want to rush things cos he was hurt in the past. ive noticed over the last year that his friends are staring at me alot. he smiles and says hi to me some days and other days he stares at me. ive heard his friends say to him are you going to go talk to her when i was nearby and they were looking in my direction. he dated few girls to make me jealous of him. he acts very nervous around me sometimes and fidgety. and even sometimes when i pass by him and his friends go quiet. well if dat isnt messed up i dont no wot is. can anyone help me on this one?