She wants to be friends, but its driving me NuTs!!!

[Adam]

I've been dating this girl for about 4 years, shes 20 im 23. She broke up with me for the 2nd time 10 months ago...the first time was for 6 months, well this time i thought it was over until a few weeks ago i got a text message that says "im ready to be friends" we over the past two weeks we hung out 3 times, and things have been great, like old times. She has told me that she dated a few guys and they were all wierd in there own way and that no one was as unique and fun as me. So im thinking cool, she is trying to get back with me.

 

The past 3 times we went out i took her to 2 nice dinners and the third time i took her to an amusment park, and payed for everything, like we were on dates again.

 

Well everytime i mention something like do you think we can get back together its always "we'll see", "lets not get into that right now"

So the other day we went to an amusment park and we rode paddle boats, i reached out and held her hand, things were fine, then when we got out, i tryed to walk with her holding her hand and she said "lets not do this right now"

 

Then before she went on a ride that i really didnt want to go on, i told her im going on this ride for you as a favor, then i told her close your eyes its my turn for a favor, and i gave her a kiss, well she looked at me like, shock, a little mad, and said, "why do you want to do this and ruin a good day?"

 

I just dont get it? We kissed a million times, we dated for 4 years, why after 10 months of not talking to each other, healing, all the stuff i went through to get her back, she makes the move, and its not to get back its to be friends? Why does she need me as a friend? What is she doing?

 

Im just so confused! Is she just trying to use me this summer so i take her somewhere cool like i used to do every summer when we were dating? or is she just wanting to build trust? or am i just a lets keep him around and let him do everything for me but not get committed to him unless someone else comes along guy?

 

PLEASE HELP WITH SOME KINDA ADVICE!!!

[funkybassplayer]

she just want s the company you give her, nothing more, so if its gonna mess up your head, walk away. if she wanted to be with you as a girlfriend then she would have made it quite claer that that's what she wants. .......look after number 1 and be careful.

[peechy06]

If I were you I would be confused and frustrated right now also. She broke up with you, you two haven't talked in 10 months and she is the one that initiates contact again. From what she has said to you about the other guys she has dated, she is probably being honest when she tells you that they are not as "unique and fun" as you. She has seen what is out there and she may be regretting breaking up with you. However, her reaction to your kiss makes me thinks that she really does want to be your friend to start out with. I wouldn't rush things with her and talk about getting back together just yet. If she were telling you she loved you and missed you a lot, that would be a different story and I would expect her to bring up the topic right away. But if she isn't saying those things, you have to think about if you really can be her friend for awhile until she is ready for a relationship with you again. Who knows, she may not be ready for a while, so it is up to you to say ok we can be friends and see what happens, or no we can't be friends and call me when you are serious about getting together. You need to do what is best for YOU.

 

After being broken up with my ex for two months he has been contacting me for the past month telling me he misses me and loves me, yet he tells me he just wants to be friends and I told him not to contact me anymore until he is ready to be in a relationship. And I am very happy with my decision b/c I finally put my foot down and gained back some control of my own! It seems like you are always available to her right now...you can't give her everything. Be somewhat of a challenge, don't answer every call, then you will see what her real motives are.

[LucreziaBorgia]

She's between guys right now and is likely lonely. She's using you to get the benefits of having a boyfriend without actually having to have a relationship with you. Dates, trips, dinners, etc. I expect she is keeping her options open for when she finds someone she does want a relationship with. Once that happens, you'll see quickly how sincere her 'friendship' is.

 

Unless you like being used like this, I would let her know that you love her, want to be with her and since she can't offer that to you right now the best thing to do would be to resume NC and move on.

[NorCalDave]

My ex and I are kind of going through the same thing.

Lucrezia is right. She sounds like she is simply in between boyfriends and a bit lonely.

You sound like a nice guy just like me and unfortunately there are girls out there who will use you for your "niceness".

My ex as of a couple months ago didn't want anything to do with me, and now that her ex has rejected her, she is suddenly warming up to me. But she's made it clear (just like your ex has) that she only wants a friendship.

My ex told me Sunday "we are friends for now. It's healthy to court each other. We can build it up."

Those words can have different meanings. One can interpret those words as meaning she wants to work towards a relationship and build a foundation of friendship first, or they can mean she is just saying it nicely that she doesn't want to be with me.

But she uses me to help her move, to pay for dinner, lunch, for my computer, my time, my energy, my good vibes...what am I getting out of it?

What are YOU getting out of it?

Just ask yourself which is more painful, to be with her and be just her friend, or to be completely without her?

I know for myself, I have missed her so much that only a friendship is fine for me at this point. As long as I don't hope for or expect more, I'll be fine.

But, if it ever gets to the point where it is frustrating sexually to be with her, and my needs aren't getting met, and she's just using me, then I WILL respect myself and go back to NC.

For now though, this friendship works.

I am going to be a bit unavailable for the next few days and see how she reacts....I suggest you do the same. Don't call her, be busy, and make her miss you.

Being friends in my opinion is not a terrible thing. I noticed last night that she was more "touchy" than normal, and we talked REALLY close a few times....I like this friendship thing because it makes the sexual tension build up, and I know it will get tough for her to resist me after a while.

Just keep doing the friend thing if you can handle it, and it may just drive her crazy after a month or two when you aren't making attempts to kiss her, when you aren't holding her hand, when you are just, chill.

That's the way you have to be. You have to make them want you. The only way they are going to want to get back with us is if THEY decide that the time is right to get physical and take it up a notch.

They already know we love them, so let's make them think we're not interested anymore and are fine with friendship...and you know what, I GUARANTEE it will drive them nuts and they will want more.

Let me know how it goes!~

[Adam]

I swear Dave me and you are in the TOTTALLY same situation! Exact! You sound just like me, the loving, forgiving, romantic towards her that i am, the same guy that would give and do anything for her, but we are also fools. I know im being used and i hate it! I mean her calling me and saying things like " Do you want to meet for lunch" then i get there and we order and i pay for the whole thing...moneys not an issue but in the back of my mind i think did she really call me to spend the half hour with me or did she wait till i got there to pay for her lunch? It plays with your head.

So i figured its ok i hung out with her a total of 3 times since we started being "friends" and i have made everytime a blast for her and tryed out doing myself for since the last time, this way i dont seem boring or never anything planned kinda guy...but i think how long can this go on?

I mean i have plenty of friends and i dont spend 1/2 the money trying to impress them as i do her, and it seems like she is not realizing this.

So i am going to do exactly what you are saying...make her come to me, i'm going to set the bar small first, i literally just blocked her on AIM and im not going to look at her myspace, call her, text her, or any sort of communication for 1 solid week. Then when i reach that point i'll see if she made any moves, if not another week and soo on...but if she does call or send me a message, i wont be mean, i'll just be busy!!

 

I mean i'm not a bad looking guy at all, i have everything im my life together, i make people laugh and there are a few women that i know would love to be with me...So honestly if she can't see that, or just knows she has me around her finger its time to break that. I have to step up and respect myself for once!

Yes she is all i want, Yes i could marry her tomorrow, but i have to reverse the game and let her see that i am also WANTING to be NEEDED!

You let me know how your doing too Dave!

Thanks for the killer advice, i got such a confidence boost!

[frd150]

I agree with Peechy.

 

We had the where do we stand talk in which she told me that she was not into having a relationship with me anymore. This was after all of my attempts to reconcile. I followed and did everything she wanted but with no success. Imediatly stopped calling her. I needed to get my head right. Read my posts if you are bored:p. It was four days into my NC when she started calling me. Not just single calls or text messages but multiple attempts until i would respond. This is still going on almost a month later. She just wants to talk but more and more she talks about missing me and things of that nature.

 

DO NOT talk about getting back together. Back off a little and do not hang out with her every time she asks you to and do not take every call. Make yourself busy, for real. Research the push pull effect. Right now you might be pushing a little. If you want her to come back it needs to be when she feels comfortable. If you are not willing to wait the you need to move on and do no contact. Maybe she just needs to miss you. Get your own life seperate from her.

 

Put your foot down like peechy did because being in limbo sucks. I am living in the outskirts of it now. Decide what your heart can handle. If you choose to ride it out it can get real bumpy.

 

Hope this helps.

[NorCalDave]

I agree with Peechy.

 

We had the where do we stand talk in which she told me that she was not into having a relationship with me anymore. This was after all of my attempts to reconcile. I followed and did everything she wanted but with no success. Imediatly stopped calling her. I needed to get my head right. Read my posts if you are bored:p. It was four days into my NC when she started calling me. Not just single calls or text messages but multiple attempts until i would respond. This is still going on almost a month later. She just wants to talk but more and more she talks about missing me and things of that nature.

 

DO NOT talk about getting back together. Back off a little and do not hang out with her every time she asks you to and do not take every call. Make yourself busy, for real. Research the push pull effect. Right now you might be pushing a little. If you want her to come back it needs to be when she feels comfortable. If you are not willing to wait the you need to move on and do no contact. Maybe she just needs to miss you. Get your own life seperate from her.

 

Put your foot down like peechy did because being in limbo sucks. I am living in the outskirts of it now. Decide what your heart can handle. If you choose to ride it out it can get real bumpy.

 

Hope this helps.

 

I agree with this. I am going to follow this advice. My ex and I are back on friendly terms, which is what I want.

Now. She told me Sunday she is not ready for a relationship, that she wants to be friends "for now."

Fine. She will get no pressure from me.

I can feel the sexual tension building between us each time we see each other. The more that I don't push the relationship or sex, the more she seems to gravitate towards me and the more "nonchalant touches" she gives me. You know, arm grabs, gentle taps, close talking, phone calls, asking me to feel how smooth her skin is, how her perfume smells, etc.

I can feel it building up. And the more it builds the better.

Because that is the only leverage we have right now.

They know we want them.

At this point it's pretty much a game to get them back, and I am willing to play.

For me it's now all about:

1) Not being always available

2) Not pushing sex

3) Not pushing a relationship

4) Not calling

5) Being friendly and sexy and intriguing when we DO see each other

6) Not disclosing too much about my life

7) Not trying to kiss her

8) Not asking about her dating life

 

 

 

FELLAS!!!

We are all good looking, nice, genuine, loving dudes. Seriously, our ex's really do care for us, otherwise they wouldn't have ever gotten with us.

So, if we act this way, don't you agree it will drive them nuts and they will want to take the friendship to the next level, eventually????

Like I said, I can feel the tension building between us, and THAT'S GOOD!

I say we all stick to the script, be strong, and wait it out. They will be back. In time. Let's haave faith and keep in touch.

[frd150]

Oh,

 

I forgot to mention that i have not seen or made attempts to see her in almost two months. Makes them wonder. Right now it is just easier for me to stay away.

 

Adam,

 

Like i said stay busy because it will make it easier.Remember, Idle hands/minds are the devils tool.

[Adam]

UPDATE!!!

I havent talked to her in a week. She called me in the middle of the week and i didnt answer, she left me a voicemail and wanted to go out to eat, on her break. I didnt call her back or do anything, then tonight i look at her blog online and she posted this:

 

 

"so he told me he loved me ...

And now it's been a week since we've seen..spoke..text'd.

 

Sometimes those 3 words feel like a prerequisite to somebody abandoning the emotional side of a relationship.

 

I love you is the cause and the cure. Or so some believe.

 

I don't. Still ... it doesn't make it any less difficult."

 

 

 

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?? Is she freaking out that im not calling her or anything like that...I just need some advice if anyone can read through this?

 

Please help!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm sorry to say this, but the more you post the more she is sounding like a narcissistic b*tch. She doesn't want you as a boyfriend, but she wants you to want her like a girlfriend. She feels hurt that you aren't pursuing her, even though she has made it clear that doing so will get you nowhere.

 

Honestly, I would include 'no looking up her stuff online' to your NC. She knows you read it, and is using it to guilt trip you into pursuing her again so that she can continue to shoot you down.

[funkybassplayer]

Walk away these women will drag you down........trust me i know. She will and is messing up your head. dont have ANYTHING to do with her, and just take your time out and heal and find a normal women to be with. I have just come out of a relationship (8 weeks) and was used to make her feel good until a new guy came, then i was trown on the scrap heap in a big way. She was, needy and self centered and h maintenace, i miss her and the kids like mad. They do that to you, they grid you down so you become vunrable and start to depend on them, but they wont think twice of dropping you. I walked away from her, still hurts, but i did it by not contacting etc, and getting better every day. These people will dig there own hole, so dont be around as a back-up plan. Maybe when you have really moved on you may want a friendship, but again you got to not give a toss about her emotions. or youll get sucked in again

[Living_For_Me]

Dude you need to walk away from this situation right now. It will do nothing but cause you heartache, confusion etc etc.

 

Either she wants to be with you or not. If she doesn't then find someone who will.

 

I personally believe that you shouldn't have to go through the whole rig morale of trying to "find each other" again. Invest that sort of time and effort in someone new.

[HavAlittleFaith]

From my nickname i guess u guys would have a rough idea tat im some how in the same situation like both of u.Just like u guys,my ex have been "on n off" for the past few times tat we talked to each other.What I can say is,honestly,please do what you guys are doing now to forget about her rather than to hope what you are doing will some how give u guys a greater chances of winning her back.It will never work if u guys still try to be "friends" or still stay in touch.Chances are,no are no chances!

 

although im posting as if there is no way u can win her back,allow me to share with all of you my own success story.My ex ex and I broke up and were togther again after a year! And during that one year we were apart,we were not contacting each other and it was strictly NC.

 

Just let her go guys,just let her go.She might/will come back when you have let her go.Its not about you,its not that you are ugly,poor,not caring,took her for granted,always wants to "win" bla bla bla....ITS HER!Dont forget she was the one who dumped you so why are you the one who is trying so hard to win her back?

 

What you guys think?Ill appreciate any coments

[CaliGuy]

I agree with this. I am going to follow this advice. My ex and I are back on friendly terms, which is what I want.

Now. She told me Sunday she is not ready for a relationship, that she wants to be friends "for now."

Fine. She will get no pressure from me.

I can feel the sexual tension building between us each time we see each other. The more that I don't push the relationship or sex, the more she seems to gravitate towards me and the more "nonchalant touches" she gives me. You know, arm grabs, gentle taps, close talking, phone calls, asking me to feel how smooth her skin is, how her perfume smells, etc.

I can feel it building up. And the more it builds the better.

Because that is the only leverage we have right now.

They know we want them.

At this point it's pretty much a game to get them back, and I am willing to play.

For me it's now all about:

1) Not being always available

2) Not pushing sex

3) Not pushing a relationship

4) Not calling

5) Being friendly and sexy and intriguing when we DO see each other

6) Not disclosing too much about my life

7) Not trying to kiss her

8) Not asking about her dating life

 

 

 

FELLAS!!!

We are all good looking, nice, genuine, loving dudes. Seriously, our ex's really do care for us, otherwise they wouldn't have ever gotten with us.

So, if we act this way, don't you agree it will drive them nuts and they will want to take the friendship to the next level, eventually????

Like I said, I can feel the tension building between us, and THAT'S GOOD!

I say we all stick to the script, be strong, and wait it out. They will be back. In time. Let's haave faith and keep in touch.

 

Because being friends with them keeps the RIGHT woman away from you and tells your ex you do not respect yourself because you'll take any crumb of attention she gives you.

 

No one has any guarantee that an ex will be back. Why "wait" for them when you are merely keeping someone better from coming along from being with you?