Relationship Ennui

[electric_sheep]

This is something that is almost never mentioned on these relationship/dating sites. Indeed it almost seems taboo, something only to be admitted to ones closest confidants. Yet somehow I have this feeling it is the ultimate end state for a great many relationships. Todays divorce rates lend this idea support.

 

Perhaps ennui is too strong a word. Maybe inertia describes it better. Some people probably enter into relationships with an understanding that this end point is a foredrawn conclusion. Others are more romantic, and a very select, lucky few, might not even know what I'm talking about.

 

Relationship inertia is a state of mind. It occurs when you finally accept many of your romantic ideals are not going to be realized with your current partner. It's the state of mind where, if you were fortunate enough to have been truly swept away by love in the first place, you once again view such notions as soul mate and "one true love" with a degree of cynicism and skepticism. That's not to say you don't love your SO. You can still love them dearly, in much the same way you love a trusty, reliable car, or an old pair of Levi's. You love them, but... those new Volksvagon bugs look so cute, don't they? The point is, you may still love them, but you no longer afford the relationship the almost religious and magical status it had before. You've become more practical. Instead of being ordained by the stars, you now consider your partners strengths and weaknesses, and you consider your own. "Am I too good for them", you may ask yourself, if you allow such blasphemous thoughts. Or, "I wonder if I can do better". You consider all their traits in an elaborate checklist... finances, looks, personality, ect... sort of like you would consider the specs on a TV purchase. The possibility of a trade in might cross your mind, though you would never share this thought with anyone.

 

One of the things that I've noticed about all these dating/relationship sites is the preponderance of people advocating breaking up. What I've found in reality, though, is that people are generally averse to breaking up unless there is a strong motivation... infidelity, lies, betrayal. We are in fact quite comfortable with the status-quo, even if it might be a bit tedious and boring from time to time. I think it's likely these "strong motivators" are often the result of chronic relationship ennui. With chronic ennui one begins to care less and less about the outcome of the relationship, and one begins to act accoringly. I think a lot of the time people don't even realize what's going on. We are just as good at fooling ourselves as we are at fooling others. Ultimately, depending on just how bad the ennui is, a dramatic act such as infidelity may really be a godsend in disguise. Consider how many people, all around the world, must spend a good deal of their lives in this state of ennui.

 

Perhaps, to one degree or another, ennui is unavoidable. It seems to haunt us all from time to time. I can only hope I'm wrong.

[jcster]

Great post - and I've definitely experience the ennui you've described in my previous, 10 year marriage. After thinking alot about this very topic I've come to the conclusion that comfort and familiarity only become dangerous ennui when one's needs are no longer met by the relationship. Often, it's a case of depending upon the relationship to provide things that one should provide for one's self, such as a sense of relevance or excitement. Other times, it can be a sign that a couple is growing in different directions, and it can take a massive act of will to bring the two parts close together again. Sadly, that motivation is often lacking.

[soulseeker]

Yeah, but I think most people are looking for the wrong things in a relationship. In theory, I think a partner should be an accessory to your already full and stimulating life.

[jcster]

I think a partner should be an accessory to your already full and stimulating life.

 

Now you tell me! You're right. And - if your life is already full and stimulating in and of itself, then the relationship ennui generally doesn't occur.

[Road Rage]

bad for my social life but good for my vocabulary:D Finally, an intelligent post!!! Ennui is really quite a good word (had to look it up in the dictionary:lmao:)

 

Been thinking lately---we are generally brainwashed with the notions of romantic love and limitless fulfilling sex lives. Where in reality, neither is generally the case for most people. And so you go searching.

 

And good enough is never good enough. We want it all. Again and again and again. Of course, there are some like me who never get to first base.

 

But that`s a story for a different day:sick: