Age & Use

[mammax3]

My grandma is young and is healthy enough to take my two kids for walks around the block while I attend to my new baby. She has said that she'd much rather be here, feeling useful than at home mindlessly watching a movie or whatever.

 

I also get the impression that my mother likes to come here and 'buzz' about the house, tidying and doing odd jobs, but then she leaves without much of a tea and chat...But she seems to be doing it more for my benefit than hers (unlike Grandma). My mother has a full time job and she sees to other members of her household. She's already feeling 'useful' and doesn't need that fulfilment, perhaps.

 

Is this what happens when we get old? When we don't have a family or house to buzz about, or a job to fulfill us? What about if there's no grandchildren? And, a big question - should I feel responisble for my grandma's sense of selfworth? If I neglect to call her or accept her offer of help how will she feel about her 'useless' state? And further down the road when my mother retires, will the same sense of uselessness befall her?

 

Thanks for your input! I can't very well approach her with this, she'd be offended, I think and assume I'm trying to get her to leave.

[Tony T]

When people get old, they've earned their right to do whatever makes them feel good about themselves. Older people are no different than younger ones as far as behavior. Some do certain things, others do other things. As long as your mom is healthy and happy, just don't worry about her motives. As a matter of fact, try not to concern yourself with anything other people do...unless you're being hurt.

[Curmudgeon]

I'm likely the oldest person here. I have five adult children and four grandchildren ranging in age from 10 months to 14 years, and another on the way.

 

I'm still working but will retire in three years, move across the country and, hopefully, stay active and engaged.

 

My wife is only two years younger than I am, retired four years ago and has two adult children and three grandchildren. As a former midwife she's still active in childbirth issues as a volunteer.

 

Quite frankly, I don't want family buzzing around the house. We look forward to flying grandchildren to us for visits and I know we'll enjoy them and then be glad when they fly back home.

 

Your mother and grandmother are both adults. You needn't feel responsible for them, nor should you be.

 

Why do you think her state is "useless?" I find that rather insulting.

[mammax3]

Interesting points, Tony T and Curmudgeon. I'm not particularly worried about the motives of my foremothers, I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to maintain their sense of selfworth insomuch as 'giving' them a job. I think it's egotistical to think that I could make them feel useful or useless, but there's always something to do here, and kids are great fun to be around.

 

"Useless" was the term Grandma used when talking to me about coming over to help with the kids. I didn't want her feeling like a babysitter or a maid when she came over, but then she said that about feeling useless and watching movies at her house.

 

I agree with your points, responsibility for self, and old people earning their right to spend their time. I suppose my Q centres around if these women have always cared for others and my grandma and mother want to keep that status quo and my children are the ones who need caring now, should I feel bad if I want time to my own family? Ergo, I feel responsible for their selfworth...?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Its a Beatles song I believe, "To Every Thing, Turn, Turn, Turn,... There is a season, turn, turn, turn,..." Ok, you get the jest. Depending on your age and place in life, there is something that fills you up. That changes, not the importance so much as the season that YOU happen to be in.

 

Like I tell my 19 year old daily, don't rush things, you have the rest of your life, enjoy now. That goes for all of us! Grandmas and Moms, are in completely different season. I can't even imagine what your mom is going through, Mom's are there to make everything alright and fix our boo boos, you know how that feels, mammax3. Grandmas have been there, know that ups and downs are inevitable and that they cannot protect us from that, mom still wants to fix your boo boo but is facing the fact that she cannot.