Internet question in regards to marriage....

[d12j28]

OK, so I am new here but have a serious question about being married and the internet. More so forums, myspace, e-mail type stuff.

This is a long story but I will try and make it as short as I can.

About 4 years ago I met a woman. Nothing big there but we talked and she had a lot of interests I did (computers and such). Nothing ever happened and we only talked a few times. This is about 6-7 years in my marriage. Well, at that time my wife had a disability and we were hurting for money. I felt I was kind of in a bah spot in my life. After talking to this woman I got to thinking there was a lot more to marriage and life in general and was confused as to if I were happy with my situation. Something happened a few weeks later and I realized that I loved my wife and son so much and that is what counted. For us to be together and happy.

Well along the way I lost track of that. I let drinking control my life for the most part. I worked evenings and got home around 11pm and started drinking. Some nights until 3-4am. They were all in bed so didn't think it was a big deal. A few times I got up late to get my son on the bus for school because of this. The last time it happened my wife was pissed and left to stay with a friend.

Now, to add some more to the story. I had my own website I ran and it was taking a lot of my time. I stayed up drinking and working on the site as much as I could. My wife joined the site and made some friends which was great. Until I found out she gave out her cell number to one guy on there. She claims, and I believe, they were just good friends. But some things really bothered me. The amount of time they talked. When they talked (like we were on vaca for 2 weeks and she called him a number of times and hid it from me). Driving home from work she would call him, when we fought, etc. It was pretty bad if you ask me. Over 500 minutes plus over 50 text messages on the last bill.

So I confront her on all this which results in.....

Her changing her password on her computer....

Her accusing me of spying on her.......

Her trying her best to hide everything she does from me....

Just no trust at all. All I get is she is doing nothing wrong. What bothers me is she keeps hiding everything from me. Yes, I know enough about computers to find out things if I need to. But that doesn't fix the problem, trust on the internet and trust in our relationship. Granted I wasn't there for her emotionally for some time. But I am now. It just seems that it doesn't matter to her anymore. I have tried everything I can to bond with her, show her how much I care to the point of giving up that site and to stop drinking at night.

I guess my question is this.....

How do you resolve an issue where one thinks nothing is wrong while the other thinks it is?

And as a heads up I'm working on a lot of different things to try and make me a better person. The thing is I can do anything for her because I truly love her, but if I find she is still talking with this guy a month from now I don't know how to handle it.

There is so much more to this but that is the major stuff. I'm not looking for a quick fix or anything. Just looking for some opinions to look at. To be honest this has been a major thorn in my side for about 3 months now with no end in site. She hides everything she does from me now. She won't even add me as a friend on myspace for crying out loud..............!

 

Comments? Questions? Please.....I am open to anything. I'm somewhat venting here while also looking for possible solutions.

[princssangl0204]

Granted I wasn't there for her emotionally for some time. But I am now. It just seems that it doesn't matter to her anymore. I have tried everything I can to bond with her, show her how much I care to the point of giving up that site and to stop drinking at night.

She could be resentful of your past relationship problem. How long ago did you make the changed in your life? If it is recent it does take time to talked down the wall she has put up.

 

How do you resolve an issue where one thinks nothing is wrong while the other thinks it is?

And as a heads up I'm working on a lot of different things to try and make me a better person. The thing is I can do anything for her because I truly love her, but if I find she is still talking with this guy a month from now I don't know how to handle it.

There is so much more to this but that is the major stuff. I'm not looking for a quick fix or anything. Just looking for some opinions to look at. To be honest this has been a major thorn in my side for about 3 months now with no end in site. She hides everything she does from me now. She won't even add me as a friend on myspace for crying out loud..............!

 

Comments? Questions? Please.....I am open to anything. I'm somewhat venting here while also looking for possible solutions.

you need an objective 3rd party to sit down and both of you can hash out your issues like going to marriage counseling....... it may help to break the walls of resentment you have both put up.

 

but yeah I wouldn't be to keen on the whole hiding thing but at the same time she feels like your spying on her and I would be super pissed if my dh went creeping around trying to see what I as doing .......... because he didn't trust in me. I can kind of see this issue from both sides.

[whichwayisup]

Two wrongs don't make a right. You crossed the lines with another woman, even if it was online and so has she, either emotionally or physically.

 

Suggestion - GO to marriage counselling. Get to AA and quit drinking.

 

BOTH of you need to remember your children and fix your marriage!

 

Neither of you trust eachother.(did you confess to her that you kind of had a flirtation? or did she suspect?)

[d12j28]

She could be resentful of your past relationship problem. How long ago did you make the changed in your life? If it is recent it does take time to talked down the wall she has put up.

 

I can understand that and I wouldn't blame her for that. That is one of the reasons I'm trying to be more proactive in my life. To show her that I mean what I say and to show her by doing it.

 

you need an objective 3rd party to sit down and both of you can hash out your issues like going to marriage counseling....... it may help to break the walls of resentment you have both put up.

 

but yeah I wouldn't be to keen on the whole hiding thing but at the same time she feels like your spying on her and I would be super pissed if my dh went creeping around trying to see what I as doing .......... because he didn't trust in me. I can kind of see this issue from both sides.

 

I know that and we have talked about going. It's just a matter of finding one that can get us in at this point. But the spying comments and the hiding stuff doesn't make me feel so great if you know what I mean. I don't even think it is a matter of cheating with us. It's that we have both lost trust in each other for no reason. Well, no major reasons. It's not like either of us have cheated on each other. At least I don't think so. She is not that type of person to be honest so I would doubt her ever cheating.

[d12j28]

Two wrongs don't make a right. You crossed the lines with another woman, even if it was online and so has she, either emotionally or physically.

 

Suggestion - GO to marriage counselling. Get to AA and quit drinking.

 

BOTH of you need to remember your children and fix your marriage!

 

Neither of you trust eachother.(did you confess to her that you kind of had a flirtation? or did she suspect?)

 

Ummmm.....this wasn't a "flirtation". This was just someone I met through friends and we talked about jobs, life and such. Nothing sexual or anything like that.

I don't need AA to quit drinking. I have already done that for the most part. It wasn't like I was a drunk. I just started letting it have an impact on my life and I stopped that. We still go out together and have some drinks with each other. It's just instead of drinking all night I stop after a couple. And I don't stay up until 3am drinking anymore. Haven't done that in months.

[jmargel]

Why should she stop when she's not facing any consequences? You might talk to her but in all reality it's just rolling over and piddling. A third person will ruin any attempts at getting your marriage back together.

 

I think you need a heart to heart with her and tell her if she's not happy to leave. Open up the cage door and let her make this decision. If she wants to work on things then it's a must that she stops contact with this guy. You don't need to be dragged through the mud.

 

Telling her this allows her to make this decision, glad you are not trying ways to 'keep' her, that will only delay what she truly wants to do anyway. However her 'test driving' this potentional relationship with this other guy is wrong and is just as bad as physically cheating. I would write her a letter explaining all of this to her and suggest marriage counseling. Things seem like they are headed in the wrong direction.

[Topper]

 

She may at this point only be emotionally cheating. She also may have already slept with this other guy. " Shes not type person? That's what I thought about my ex. It was only after the divorce that I found out she had an affair. woman are much better at hiding these things then men.

Tell her you are willing to work on the marriage. It is up to her to make up her mind what she wants. you make the appointment with the marriage councilor. Let her know the time and place if she shows she show if not use the time to help you plan for seperation.

[ritamae]

Have you ever talked about your mistakes of late? Have you told her you recognize your faults and are trying to fix them? And I mean, really let her know what it is that is in your head. What you believe you contributed to the state of your marriage? Have you shared this with her?

[Zona76]

I have tried everything I can to bond with her, show her how much I care to the point of giving up that site and to stop drinking at night.

How so very kind of you to offer to give up drinking at night. You had me to this point. Then you blew it.

You're so full of excuses. So she has a friend. Does it matter that they are friends? No because YOU can't see her being happy.

 

This hits too close to home mister. My ex wasn't a drinker but he had all the excuses and lies. Stupid he was that he was mad I wouldn't believe his lies. Even when I had proof.

You have no sympathy from this woman

[d12j28]

How so very kind of you to offer to give up drinking at night. You had me to this point. Then you blew it.

You're so full of excuses. So she has a friend. Does it matter that they are friends? No because YOU can't see her being happy.

 

This hits too close to home mister. My ex wasn't a drinker but he had all the excuses and lies. Stupid he was that he was mad I wouldn't believe his lies. Even when I had proof.

You have no sympathy from this woman

 

I'm not your EX so please don't put me in that category. And I don't remember asking for anyones sympathy much less yours.

 

 

As for the rest of the comments, thank you everyone for your opinions and thoughts. Things are actually going quite well right now with us. We've worked different hours for so long now I think we just started living separate lives to fill in what we weren't giving each other. We've both talked and voiced our concerns. I can see a change in her already and it all started with the changes in me.

And for anyone looking for a great book to help you in your marriage, work or life in general be sure to check out this one:

http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/0671708635

 

I just started reading it this last week and it is truly a great book. It has started to change my life and marriage for the better without a doubt. The funny thing is my wifes boss wanted her to read it for work.....lol I just picked it up one day and decided to read it myself and I'm glad I did. We've actually just laid in bed together and talked about parts of it. This may not sound like a big deal but it is for us. All we use to do was run home and get on the computer!