Wife Told The Kids About Divorce Without Me - Now What?

[dadof4]

In December my stbxw pulled the I'm not happy, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I am divorcing you thing within the period of a month after being together for 19 years, married for 13 and a half. We agreed to continue to live together and wait until the school year was over to tell the kids. Stbx kept true to her word. Last night, however, while I was at the bookstore reading about how to break the news to the kids, she told the older two without me. She gave them "the mom and dad have been very unhappy for a long time" line and the "we tried to work on things for a long time but it just didn't work out" crap. Both statements couldn't be farther from the truth. There was no chance to work on anything. We tried one session of counseling before she said she was leaving. Stbxw is a walkaway with a sudden major personality change. I don't want to demonize her to the children by insinuating that their mother wasn't being truthful, but I don't want the children mislead either. What to do?

[a4a]

In December my stbxw pulled the I'm not happy, I love you but I'm not in love with you, I am divorcing you thing within the period of a month after being together for 19 years, married for 13 and a half. We agreed to continue to live together and wait until the school year was over to tell the kids. Stbx kept true to her word. Last night, however, while I was at the bookstore reading about how to break the news to the kids, she told the older two without me. She gave them "the mom and dad have been very unhappy for a long time" line and the "we tried to work on things for a long time but it just didn't work out" crap. Both statements couldn't be farther from the truth. There was no chance to work on anything. We tried one session of counseling before she said she was leaving. Stbxw is a walkaway with a sudden major personality change. I don't want to demonize her to the children by insinuating that their mother wasn't being truthful, but I don't want the children mislead either. What to do?

 

You put the kids feelings first and if telling them that things just did not work out and Mom and Dad don't dislike eachother -makes it easier for them to deal with than that is what they should hear. May want to add in that it is not their fault.... and you both will love them just as much.

 

Don't use your kids to vent on about your W. It will serve no purpose for them to hear different versions. I actually think your W said the right things, and some details never have to be shared.

[quiet1one1]

I bet she thought she get the "sympathy vote" from them by acting alone and quickly - beating you to the punch.

 

I am in much the same situation as you. My W has decided she needs space and has asked for a separation. She will be moving out shortly. She and I have not spoken to our kids yet (18 and 20, at home) but at this past week's MC session my W brought up the topic. I jumped in and told her in no uncertain terms that I will not allow the "Dad and I have decided..." BS because that is not the truth. SHE has decided to leave their father, them, and their home. I have decided nothing except that I will *try* to support her decision. I explained that while it is not my intention to portray her as the villian, the facts are what the facts are. She's making a big girl decision that will affect others - she must accept the consequences of her actions. I explained that reegardless of how this all ends, I wanted to leave my kids with the lesson that their father loved their mother, them, and his life. I want them to know that I did not quit - that vows and promises are just that. I want them to see me fight till the end. My W was initially angry to hear all this - said she was concerned she would be made the "bad guy" (duh). She softened a little though and seemed to accept that it is HER CHOICE to do this and the kids need to know that.

 

Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with Quiet. Tell your kids the truth.

 

While it's certainly wrong to bring your kids in as confidantes, I think ultimately it's in a kid's best interest to have the correct information.

 

In the "Big Picture", it's all about what you want them to take away from their observations. Are marriages disposable? Do people just stop loving each other for no reason?

 

Part of the problem with a society in which no one wants to cast any blame, (or receive any )... is that it's impossible for kids to learn analytical thinking. "Action A" leads to "Reaction B".

 

I don't lie to my kids. I'd rather have them see my foolishness for what it is, than to NOT recognize "foolishness" when they see it. So, if it's my mistake or if it's someone else's, I try to give them a clear picture and let them see how the machine works.

 

You don't have to submarine their mother. Keep your information dry and factual. Don't draw them into it emotionally. Take a minimalist approach.

 

But tell your kids the truth. Otherwise, what are you teaching them?

[Devildog]

Far be it for me to ever disagree with the esteemed Ladyjane. But you have to take into consideration the kids ages. Quiet1's kids are adults, 18 and 20 years old. They are grown and able to make their own decisions and conclusions about what happened. But dadof4 might have younger kids. They might not be old enough to objectively decide what is right or wrong given the circumstances.

 

It is a crappy situation to be in, believe me, I know! My daughter is now 5 and for anyone keeping track, my XW has not gotten any better about things. In fact she has gotten to the point where she has rewrote history and now I left her! But for my daughter's sake, it just isn't right to say "Mommy and Daddy are no longer together because your mommy is a cheating who** with serious psychological problems".

 

My advice, as much as it burns you to do it, just be the bigger person. Tell them the legally required BS line of "Mommy and Daddy just weren't happy together", and be a great father and show your kids how much you love them. In time, they will come to the conclusion of where the problem was on their own.

[dadof4]

Ok, here's the update. Talked to the older children myself and told them that I wished very much that their parents could be happily married and that I did all that I could to make that happen, but that it takes two people to want to be married to each other for a marriage to work. Unfortunately this is not what your mother wants and as a result your mother and dad are getting a divorce. A week later or so my wife and I told our third child together. Our youngest is really too young to understand.

 

We now are living separately. I know that every situation is different, but let me tell you all I that I never imagined that my children would care so little about their parents getting divorced. My wife and I would never really fight or argue in front of the kids. I have primary residential custody of our kids and their lives have not changed all that much. Their mother worked long hours to support the family and then was out of the house a lot over the last two years pursuing her own interests. They see her about as much as they did before. I know it is early and that the effects of this divorce on them might show up weeks or years later. However my worst fears never came true. I could handle their mother suffering depression and a mid-life crisis, but I was heart broken over what a divorce would mean to my children. They were going to be completely blindsided by this because there was no indication to them that there was anything wrong. I pictured the worst with wailing and sobbing children crying for days and weeks after we told them. Our daughter's reaction was "oh well life goes on". They are their usual happy selves when they are with me and that has really put my mind at ease. In the end they know that both parents say that they love them and their father is there for them like he always has been.

 

Now I can move on and worry about when I can introduce them to whatever hottie I end up dating when the time is right;).

[Ladyjane14]

I'm glad to hear that the children took the news well, Dadof4. I think your best bet now is to keep an open dialogue whereby the children can ask questions as those questions occur.

 

In order to increase the child's comfort level though, I think there's a difference between knowing his/her parent is sad about something, and seeing that sadness. A visceral display of misery can shut down a kid's ability to approach their parent with questions and concerns because often they don't want to 'stir the pot'. THIS is the area where I believe divorcing parents need to "fake it 'til they make it".

 

I noted a friend's husband recently who made such a visual display of misery that his children were clearly uncomfortable. His tendency was to make a confidante of the older one, expounding upon the unfairness of it all, speaking bitterly, etc. Interestingly enough, it was his infidelity which was causal in the demise of the marriage.

 

Anyway, I do believe that the information, both verbal and nonverbal, that we give to our kids ought to be factual and designed to allow them to be emotionally comfortable with us... and with their other parent as well, assuming that the other parent is not a floridly detrimental influence on the child. I can't imagine how a parent can go wrong if they are first and foremost serving their child.

 

 

o/t...

....and for anyone keeping track, my XW has not gotten any better about things. In fact she has gotten to the point where she has rewrote history and now I left her!

 

Hey Stranger!!!

 

I wish I could say I'm flabbergasted by your XW's "rewrite", but from the very beginning of your story, the one constant hallmark has always seemed to be her stubbornness . It's amazing when you think of it, how a person can adhere so stubbornly to their own POV... even to the point at which their view of reality itself becomes selective.

[quiet1one1]

Dadof4 glad to hear it went well, at least for the moment.

 

We had our talk and our kids reacted as I expected. My son (20) said he knew it was coming and wished it was better news. As long as it doesn't interrupt his life he probably doesn't care much. My daughter was quiet and holding a lot in I think. She didn't appreciate the unemotional way ("like a business deal") my W spoke and whether it's fair or not, she clearly sees my wife as the hurt-er and I the hurt-ee. I said my piece too and both kids understand fully who stands for what. It'll be interesting to see if their reaction is any different when Mom moves out this weekend. Things are going to get very real, very fast.

 

Best of luck to you.