do u think i am a total messed up weirdo

[emmaUK]

hello everyone.

need to get this off my chest .. dont really know who else to talk to but its something i been thinkin about alot lately.

this is pretty deep and i havent told anyone else about this so please try and understand where im coming from

 

im 26, will be 27 in 4 months.. but... im not joking when i say this... mentaly i feel i never got any older then 20 and all my friends of the same ages and older have matured and left me behind. its so weird.

 

i am still attracted to guys who are 18-22 (my current bf is nearly 19).. sometimes a bit older but never ever over the age of 25. i stil love doing all the thing i did when i was a teenager and have no intentions of ever stopping. like going to raves for instance.. i started going to under 18's raves when i was 13.. went to my first over 18's rave when i was 15 and have not stopped since. most friends my age dont really go any more and do things like wine bars and dinners etc... and although i dont mind that from time to time.. id much rather go out and dance till 6am with a bunch of sweaty younge guys (though i dont get to do that as much any more as i have a daughter)

 

i feel i have much more in common with people who are younger then me and i feel totaly at home joking around with younger people.

 

in relationships i am stil lthe same as i was when i was 18.. i dont feel i deal with them any better then i did back then and stil do all the stroppy stuff and am quite selfish aswell

 

i cant realyl explain more but just the things i think about n stuff are things that id expect someone a fair bit younger to think about.. and i get over excitable over things liek a little girl.

 

when i tell people i will be 27 soon they are so shocked.. people think im anything between 18 and 23. i stil get asked for ID for alcohol sometimes and u only need to be 18 in england.

 

my dress sense is also the same as it was when i was 18... all my friends are dressing more grown up these days but i dress like the younge girls in my area.

 

now some of you may say.. wel whats the problem if you feel younge then act younge... but im a mum now, im a sinlge mum to a 3 year old daughter and im not sure if its right that i feel this way. sometimes i find it so hard to put her needs before mine coz i sometimes dont feel mature enough and i feel so awful about it... like i catch myself thinkin of whats best for me first or about my feelings and then feel such an a-hole for it.

people tell me im a great mum and my daughter does me justice coz she's so lovely... but deep down i know that i feel like a kid who struggles so much with being tied down, doing the same routine most days.

 

i feel like im stuck in a mental time warp and im never gonna get out of it.... what if im still like this when im in my 30's... what if i feel like this forever??? what the F am i gonna do then.

 

i have always felt like i was robbed of my childhood so i wa swondering if this is the reason why im like this now.. subconsiously trying to make up for lost time??

 

 

please tell me honestly what u think about this?? am i totaly over-reacting or do u think im a total weirdo who needs to go and get her head sorted??

i dont mind what u say.. dont care about offending me.. jsut want to know other peoples honest opinions

[whichwayisup]

It sounds like you're scared of moving onto another phase of your life, to grow up, be an adult. And yes, not having the childhood you were robbed of has alot to do with it. Going back and experiencing things you didn't when you were younger.

 

Are you happy? If not, do the little changes. Go shopping, find a style which enhances you as a woman, not as a teen. Change your perfume, your hairstyle...

Take up a new hobby. You don't have to give up what you enjoy to do, even if it's the same stuff you did when you were younger, you just need to balance it out and put it as a lower priority.

 

I'm sure it's not easy to be a single mom and have alot of responsibility riding on your shoulders, but this is the cards you've been dealt.

[doiask42much]

Are you afraid of being old? Being seen as old and boring and unattractive? (Not that you are yet but more like in the future.) I think having a kid might make you feel like you are old before your time, as you had her when you were 22, right? That is pretty young and tough to manage on your own.

 

What about your career? What do you do for work? Many "immature" people I know cling to their youth because they don't have any goals and don't want responsibilities. Not trying to be rude, just describing what I have observed, as I know many people in this category. Do you have any substance abuse issues? Most of the people I know who act "young" drink and drug frequently, even on weeknights.

 

I too manifest(ed) many behaviors similar to yours, from raves to younger guys. I am now 31 and trying to force myself to be a grownup woman, but I still am very childish and think of myself as a girl. When I am not dressed sluttyish, I tend to dress younger than I am, favoring cartoony, cutesy Japanese-type designs on my clothing and I collect many toys of a similar style. I like tons of juvenile things like video games and I don't do most of the girly things my peers do. Perhaps it is because I was sort of a tomboy? Maybe you are/were too? I also have an express preference for guys younger than me and have dated two who were really far too young for me (19 and 21). I objectively find younger guys cuter just the way most men find younger women more attractive; I have always thought it unfair that men supposedly get better with age while women just get older. I saw it as my way of railing against that double standard. But really, I think at the core of it, I was afraid of being old. I guess I still am but I realize I have no choice in the matter and being with young guys and their friends isn't going to make me younger. Rather, I'd just be "that older chick." I guess I realize that I have to accept who I am or I am just going to end up looking ridiculous, and I fear that even more than being old. That and I actually increasingly find a lot of young people too stupid and annoying for me now.

 

That said, I do think you need to figure out where you are going and what you want out of life, especially because you have a little girl depending on you. And you want to set a good example for her, right? It's great that you still have your youthful sense of joy and excitement (I lost that long ago), but I do think that you are right to be a bit concerned that you are not developing. Not because you're "too old" for anything but just because change and growth are normal and positive things.

[emmaUK]

yes i think i am scared of getting old.

 

as for work.. obiously the main job is being a mum but.... im prob gonna get stick for this now... i do a bit of part time work... i dont wanna say this... i do lap/pole dancing and some glamour modeling 2. i have done it on and off since i was 19... i obviously gave up when i was pregnant and for a while after i had my daughter but i started up again not 2 long ago becuase im sick of being skint. they are just one off jobs here and there and its not regualr every week work. i know i have to start thinkin aboout something else soon and maybe learn a new trade .. but i love what i do.

im an exhibitionist and a show off and i like being centre of attention

 

i have had problems with alcohol on and off aswell since i was 13. i go through a patch of wanting it al lthe time... like i will start thinkin about it from early in the morning... when im in that stage i will prob drink about 3-5 times a week when my daugther goes to bed (abotu a bottle or bottle and half of wine)

then i wil l

realsie what a twit i am being and stop drinking totaly for a while. i am on that stage now.. i havent drunk for a week and im feeling really good.. this was after about 6-8 week of seeing myself slowly slipping back into wanting it all the time.

 

i used to do all the substances but given most of it up now... i still very occasionally take an E.. id say about once every couple of months but thats all i do now.

 

most of the time i am reasonably happy.... thats what worries me... i am happy being like a teenager and im worried i'll still be happy this way in 10 years time (LOL) and i'll be like one of those embarassing grannies who try n act and dress liek they r a younge girl. ha ha

 

what if i still fancy 18 year olds when im 40.. what if i never grow out of it

 

OH i dont know .. its all very confusing.

[emmaUK]

and im deff the same with the dress sense... when im out and away from my daughter i dress liek a slut in micro skirts and 6 inch stilettos heels.. when im with my daughter i tend to dress liek a ghetto teenager with trainers (sneakers) and hoodies

[doiask42much]

Well, hoodies rule and I don't think you should ever give those up! I know I won't. I don't think how you dress is that important at this stage. If it still looks good (and I'm sure it does), I see no reason not to wear what makes you feel good. I stopped dressing so slutty because I had to for work, that and well, I got lazy doing situps so I didn't want to wear midriff-baring things if I could not do it with total confidence, then it just became habit for me not to dress like that anymore. I have your same problem of wanting attention but once I got a bf, I found it just caused problems for us. Did you not have much attention as a child? (I didn't.) What happened to rob you of your childhood?

 

I had the same worry as you that I would never be attracted to guys my age as I got older, but I find that slowly but surely I am finding it more important that people have substance and wit/intelligence, and so even though younger guys are cuter, they do not really hold my interest and they also have nothing to offer me. Given that you are working only sporadically, doesn't it seem like being with a younger guy would make it harder on you financially, especially since you have a child to raise?

 

What do you think you could/would like to do instead of what you currently do? Obviously you cannot keep doing that forever and I know you know that already. It sounds like we have similar issues with alcohol and drugs as well! Not full-blown but they are a crutch. Incidentally, I have low-level Anglophilia so am familiar with your slang, chavs, and so on. I actually love all that stuff, I know that might sound weird. (I grew up in NZ so feel an affinity for the UK.)

[doiask42much]

Another thing, if you are truly happy with your life and yourself and not doing your daughter any harm, maybe there isn't anything to worry about? Based on your job(s) and the drinking and need for attention, you don't fit the profile of a happy person, but if you really know that you are happy, then maybe you don't need to change anything? It seems pointless to change yourself if you are happy into something you might not be happy with just for the sake of propriety and pleasing others. It is good that you are at least thinking about the future though.

[Lizzie60]

Um... I don't really see what's wrong for now... you're still young... as long as you're not into drugs and alcohol...and you take good care of your daughter, then I guess it's all good as long as you're happy with it.

 

I still feel much younger too... I will be 55 soon but still going with much younger guys... like 23 yrs old... so don't start now to feel bad about that... LOL you can't change overnight.

 

But I have to say it was the opposite in my case though... at your age I was very mature... it's when I hit 45 that my whole life changed...

 

So... make sure your daughter is happy and well cared for... and you're happy and drug free... and enjoy!

[emmaUK]

maybe its my friends then... maybe they all grew up and matured way before they should have. i'll blame them, the boring old gits. haha ha .

 

as for my BF.... he is a pretty mature 18 year old and sometimes even tells me to grow up ha ha.. also he has a very good job for his age (trainy insurance broker) and although i never expect anything from him.. he has been really good 2 me and helps me out with bits and bobs and treats me and my daugther to nice things. he coming round in a lil while ... all excited... think i better go and slap some fake tan on. lol

 

work wise.. i love doing what i do right now and luckily i do look younge so i could do it for another few years while im doing some training for something else. i am always down the gym (even when im ruining it By drinking in the evening).. and im very interested in nutition so was thinking about going down that road... maybe personal training and nutrition. thinking about starting that soon

 

i never get drunk and disorderly in front of my daughter... i did once and acted very stupidly in front of her so never ever ever again. though at the moment i havent drunk for a week and i want to keep it so i never drink at home alone again.. just the occasional drink when i go out. i really am going to stick to it this time coz it just wastes money.. gives me bad skin and ruins all my efforts down gym.

 

the childhood i didnt feel i had ..this is gonna be a long story.. i may as well tell it all..............

 

was basically coz i lived a normal childhood till i was 5 .. did all the things that most kids do and ws pretty happy... then my dad left and my mum got involved with some weird church cult and everything i had always known to be normal was taken away from me and she was in that till i was 12. so 6 years of pure hell and feeling total abnormal to other children and jsut wishing i could have and do the things they do.

 

heres what the rules were.... she got rid of our television, no movies, no pop music (only christian hymns), no trousers if you are female (have to wear a skirt the whole time), i wasnt allowed to go to kids birthday parties, no celebrating christmas, no girly things like make-up or earings or jewlery....... it was sort of like going back to the very olden days where al you could do was read a book or play a board game. i dont think it would have been to bad if everyone els was doing it and it was all i had ever known .. but i had to go to school with all my girl friends who used to chat about what they watch on tv and who the latest pop star was and i felt like an outcast... and i used to get teased for it. wanted to be normal so badly

 

when i was 12 she finally saw the light and left... then i had all this worldy stuff shoved back at me and i went overboard and rebelled. i think it was where i jsut wanted to finally fit in and experience what it was like to be normal .. and went over the top with it .. so started drinking loads, taking drugs and having sex, runing away from home, getting in trouble with the police all the time, stealing etc etc. was so depserate to finally be KOOL.

 

i ended up getting badly bullied and everyone in the school and round my area turned against me and had people waiting outside the school with knives for me becuase i was jsut too lippy and had also slept with someone elses BF (even though i didnt know he had a GF) and certain girls didnt like it.. i ended up leaving skool when i had just turned 14 and i was sent away from my mum to live in a foster home.

 

moved back with her when i was 16 but since then it has been a struggle really, just been in bad relationship after bad relationship and moved out of home when i was 17 and just had to learn over time how to cope with bills and budgeting money the very hard way.

i think i moved out way to early and i guess i had to grow up fast and was constantly worried about money (becuase i hadnt quite worked out how to budget my money properly) and housing and where my next meal was coming from.. there were times when i went hungry for days and i was washing my hair and body with dish-washing liquid and i was too proud to phone anybody and tell them i wasnt coping .. so i ended up stealing food from shops etcetc .. when other friends where worrying about what movie to go and see or what new pair of jeans to buy. i lived in a homeless shelter for younge adults for a while when i was evicted for not being able to keep on top of the rent for my apartment and then i wsa put in a hostel for younge people with drug and alcohol problems... was sick of it all so thats why i got into glamour modeling and stripping when i was 19-20.

 

met my daugthers dad when i was 20 (he was same age), he was a messed up bully who told constant lies but i stuck it out for 2 and half years with him coz i felt to addicted to him to leave him.. but he ended up being violent to me and was meeting oither girls when i was 3 months preg.

so i moved to a refuge for pregant women, had my daugther then was able to start renting a house.

 

and here i am today

 

 

right .. now you know my life story

[emmaUK]

that was an essay