Aussie65 Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 my live in boyfriend did...I am not sure whats going on but lately he really doesnt seem to be putting much of an effort into our relationship.We both work long hours and as far as intimacy goes that is few and far between these days and it's bringing me down. I am feeling he is not interested in me any more yet he assures me there is nothing wrong but why do I feel there is?.Our night home alone,I run a nice hot bath and invite him to join me and even offer a relaxing massage afterwards....he says no.He then sits out on the couch watching TV.It's then after midnight and he is still there only he has fallen asleep.I wake him up but he doesn't seem to want to move. Later on he comes to bed,by this time I am really annoyed....he just does not seem to want to be romantic with me so I start saying what I think and he turns his back and ignores me.Then when I tell him im not happy with the way things are he tells me to stop whining...that he wants to go to sleep so I kicked him out of the bed and proceed to pack his things. Our relationship is not an old one...only around 8 months infact or so but is it just his nature or am I right to think he just is not interested in being close to me?.Yes he does hug me through the day and tells me he loves me but come bedtime he either goes to bed and rolls over or sits up watching TV till he falls asleep. I get so angry and I guess it didnt help when we found a pendant an ex gave him not long ago...one that was keeping in touch with him in the early months of our relationship and when I asked him about it he said he wanted to keep it,that he liked it.I mean....the whole him and her thing caused almost a breakup in our relationship at that time and he wanted to keep this thing?.I want this to work I do or I would not be here but I don't know what to make of everything now.He makes love to me now once a month if that and it's a wham bam thankyou mam kind of deal. I feel if he was meeting me halfway with things I would not get so emotional and angry at times and then he blames me and says he is sick of me whining when in fact I am feeling somewhat neglected. He says nothing is wrong but I feel otherwise...he says he does not want to move out...I feel he is here because its convenient.Could this be my own insecurities or am I feeling this way for a reason?.He is sleeping...he knows how upset I am yet he sleeps while I am here typing away for some advice.I know some guys just are not the romantic type but come on...an invite to a hot bath and massage and he knocks it back?....my self esteem is hitting an all time low.How do I get it through to him without getting upset and angry when he chooses to not want to contibute to the conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 he really doesnt seem to be putting much of an effort into our relationship. I am feeling he is not interested in me any more yet he assures me there is nothing wrong Our night home alone,I run a nice hot bath and invite him to join me and even offer a relaxing massage afterwards....he says no. Then when I tell him im not happy with the way things are he tells me to stop whining... Yes he does hug me through the day and tells me he loves me but come bedtime he either goes to bed and rolls over or sits up watching TV till he falls asleep. I get so angry He makes love to me now once a month if that and it's a wham bam thankyou mam kind of deal. I feel if he was meeting me halfway with things I would not get so emotional and angry at times and then he blames me and says he is sick of me whining when in fact I am feeling somewhat neglected. He says nothing is wrong but I feel otherwise. I feel he is here because its convenient. How do I get it through to him without getting upset and angry when he chooses to not want to contibute to the conversation? You're not getting much out of this relationship, are you? Try talking to him when he's not tired and wanting to fall asleep or when you are feeling very angry that he's refusing your overtures for romance or sex. Talk to him during the day when he's wide awake and he is being affectionate, maybe right after he's been giving you a hug. Tell him you really like it when he's affectionate like that and that you'd like to be closer with him and make love more often. Ask him if he would like the same thing. If he shuts down and won't talk, ask him if he has a physical issue that's causing him to not want to try having sex (maybe he can't get it up!! how old is he? is he on medications, antidepressants? does he masturbate?). If he won't have the conversation with you at all and just gets angry, tell him that as angry as he is when you bring it up, you are exactly that angry when he turns you down for affection or sex and that you can't stay in a relationship with him if he won't even talk about it and leaves you feeling angry and unwanted most of the time. Ask him to give it some thought and consider if he really wants to be with you, with the understanding that you need more affection and sex than you have been having together. Give him a while to think about it - a week or two - and then bring it up again. If he still has nothing to say, then it's time to ask him to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 I would stop your emotional chase and give him some distance. I don't know what's caused this gap but the more you chase, the worse your self-esteem will be eroded. Let him know he's on his own if he can't open up to some form of adult, honest communication. Continue to cozen him and you've set the tone for your relationship future, if there's any future to be had. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 to move on... I feel if he was meeting me halfway with things I would not get so emotional and angry at times and then he blames me and says he is sick of me whining when in fact I am feeling somewhat neglected. Trust your guts... this guy IS NOT interested anymore... he simply doesn't want to talk about it... he's only buying time... at your expenses. He says nothing is wrong but I feel otherwise...he says he does not want to move out...I feel he is here because its convenient. I think you just hit the nail...it is convenient for him.... He wants a roommate not a gf. This is quite evident. Could this be my own insecurities or am I feeling this way for a reason? No... I think he's not intested anymore but just too lazy to move out. He is sleeping...he knows how upset I am yet he sleeps while I am here typing away for some advice.I know some guys just are not the romantic type but come on...an invite to a hot bath and massage and he knocks it back?....my self esteem is hitting an all time low. Time to move on now...before he completely destroy you. He knows you're upset but still won't bulge... come on now... I don't know ONE single guy who would resist a hot bath and massage... no way... How do I get it through to him without getting upset and angry when he chooses to not want to contibute to the conversation? I'm afraid there is not much you can do...he won't collaborate... pack his things and put them out of the porch... he'll get the message. You have waayyy more patience than I do... why do you beat yourself like that... you can't make him love you or desire you... He's not with you anymore... sorry... he might still be with that ex or seeing someone else... so don't give him any more 'convenience' you're not his mother. Good luck! Be independant... be strong! He's a jerk... you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Reminds me of this scene in Roxanne when her sister is lamenting about man trouble and cried "but I want a man like Dan ! (Roxanne's husband) and Roxanne replies "hell, you think he came like that!?" The point is that it is women, not men that are usually the castodians of the relationship; and most women have 'trained' their men to do the minimum (or the men have, thanks to a divorce and some painful experiences, realised you have to pay attention), most men are good raw material but pay little or no attention to the day to day workings of a relationship, will run screaming if you start a sentence with "I want to talk about our relationship..." and take the tried and trusted 'if aint not broke' attitude to their nearest and dearest... broke being 'is she walking out the door'?. So your man sits in front of the TV, scratching? Welcome to the real world. He gets home tired and hasn't got the energy to be romantic? Pull up a chair. He pays little attention to his love making? Joint the queue. If you want to improve things don't stew and get angry and put his playstation in the microwave - as has been suggested, when you are both calm and not too stressed, first find out if he is stressed or depressed (maybe work is getting him down) clearly communicate in words of one syllabul that you are unhappy, that you are scared that the 'rut' will worsen and make some practical suggestions how things can be improved. Do not nag, belittle or get overly emotional. Try not to start with the words "We have to talk..." A date night? a no tv weekend once a month? Taking up some activity together (sport or something you both enjoy)... getting some books on sexuallity, trying new things... whatever. The point is communicate and keep doing it until he gets it, my partner is unhappy and worried and I have to make an effort to keep this relationship going. This will be a revelation and a shock for him depending on his background; don't expect leaps and bounds but keep at it. If you love him, I'm sure he'll wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aussie65 Posted June 17, 2007 Author Share Posted June 17, 2007 I really agree with what you are all saying.This morning he climbs into bed kissing me telling me he loves me and that I need to not be so 'cranky' as he calls it.He has made every effort to be kind to me today from cooking breakfast to hugging me and telling me how much he loves me and then even telling me although he may not always show it he truly does love me and at times he feels like walking out but he wants to make this work.I explained to him that he is not meeting me halfway....that I need to feel loved and being intimate once a month is not working for me and is making me feel like he doesn't want me. Lizzy,I am not ready to let go....although I talk about the things wrong I am with him because I do love him very much and he does have many good qualities...he just seems to not have a very good idea of how a relationship should work and is caught up in the old days where a man comes home,sits down,eats his dinner and goes to bed.My Mother had the same thing with Dad,probably why I really loathe it so much but I did know he loved her....right to the very end. If I am going to stay in this relationship something has to give...I need more and he needs to meet me halfway or I have to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 Have him read this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19190927/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aussie65 Posted June 17, 2007 Author Share Posted June 17, 2007 thankyou Tony,I am sure though he wouldn't even bother to read,I will try though. I wasn't wanting to massage in hope of getting something at the end of it ( although...it would have been nice ...just my way of getting close to him Maybe I try too hard but I thought it was normal to do nice romantic things in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts