Question about when spouses should/should not check with each other

[magicmirror]

I'm about to be engaged to a great woman and am probably moving several states away to be with her. However, she just let one of her friends know that they could move in with us for as long as she needed to get her life together.

 

I have a problem with this, as I would be moving into my GF's 2 bedroom condo until we find a house to buy. My leaving my entire world behind to move is enough stress as it is, and I don't want to be cramped into a house with a stranger while my GF and I are starting to build our relationship in a new home.

 

This has brought to bear a question -

 

She believes that now, and after marriage that she should have full right to offer up our home to any of her friends who she sees fit without asking me first. She claims that "needing to ask" first is means I am asking her to compromise herself as a person, because she may need to act and not check with me.

 

I believe that it is my house too, and she should ask prior to making such a large commitment to somebody who is not part of our immediate household. I'm not saying I would say no. I'm not saying that I don't want to help her or my friends if they need anything (quite the opposite). I'm just saying, she should ask first. She had mentioned two friends of hers before that needed a place to stay for up to a month and I said "no problem, happy to help your friends." This is appearing to be a pattern though, because she has just offered up our home to a third person. I'm worried.

 

I suggested with this latest person that we provide her with an apartment of her own and help her with bills for 6-9 months. I have no problem spending up to 2k per month to help her out if it's truly a bad situation, but I can't have my household upset. I have too many critical things going on that are set to shape our future. I'm certain it would be bad for our relationship, as we would just be moving in together for the first time.

 

If we had a large house already, it might be different. But I think she is a) underestimating the disruptiveness of brining a third party into one's home and b) is not quite ready for marriage, because it means you have to be respectful of the other person.

 

My big question is - She should ask before doing that, and we should make the decision prior to her offering? Correct? I should have the right to say no. It is my house too, and this is in part, and issue of respect that comes from being married.

 

She is 26. I believe this is a deal breaker for me, as she says she wont' budge and so do I. Opinions?

[Pyro]

If the house/condo is hers and it is in her name, then she doesn't have to clarify it with you beforehand, but she should, out of respect for you. I mean that should be an obvious.

 

If both of you own the place, then darn straight she should talk to you first.

[IpAncA]

This has brought to bear a question -

 

She believes that now, and after marriage that she should have full right to offer up our home to any of her friends who she sees fit without asking me first. She claims that "needing to ask" first is means I am asking her to compromise herself as a person, because she may need to act and not check with me.

 

My big question is - She should ask before doing that, and we should make the decision prior to her offering? Correct? I should have the right to say no. It is my house too, and this is in part, and issue of respect that comes from being married.

 

She is 26. I believe this is a deal breaker for me, as she says she wont' budge and so do I. Opinions?

 

Okay hold on.

[Touche]

Hoo Boy..I'd re-think marriage with this girl. Marriage is about compromise and respect for each other. It's not there on her end. That much is clear. I mean so many issues have to be negotiated in order to have a good marriage. She's showing she's not ready to handle that very important aspect of marriage.

 

It certainly would be a deal-breaker for me. No doubt about it.

[IpAncA]

I'm saying that if your married while living with her then you have say.

 

I have a feeling there's more that's going on. This can't be the only thing going on.

[Trialbyfire]

There's approach and then there's approach...

 

If you freaked when she mentioned it, I can see how she would hardline it.

[IpAncA]

But she doesn't get full control of who can stay over. She has to check unless he's okay with her not. Marriage doesn't work like that. At least mine doesn't.

[Shan2k]

I'm about to be engaged to a great woman and am probably moving several states away to be with her. However, she just let one of her friends know that they could move in with us for as long as she needed to get her life together.

 

I have a problem with this, as I would be moving into my GF's 2 bedroom condo until we find a house to buy. My leaving my entire world behind to move is enough stress as it is, and I don't want to be cramped into a house with a stranger while my GF and I are starting to build our relationship in a new home.

 

This has brought to bear a question -

 

She believes that now, and after marriage that she should have full right to offer up our home to any of her friends who she sees fit without asking me first. She claims that "needing to ask" first is means I am asking her to compromise herself as a person, because she may need to act and not check with me.

 

I believe that it is my house too, and she should ask prior to making such a large commitment to somebody who is not part of our immediate household. I'm not saying I would say no. I'm not saying that I don't want to help her or my friends if they need anything (quite the opposite). I'm just saying, she should ask first. She had mentioned two friends of hers before that needed a place to stay for up to a month and I said "no problem, happy to help your friends." This is appearing to be a pattern though, because she has just offered up our home to a third person. I'm worried.

 

I suggested with this latest person that we provide her with an apartment of her own and help her with bills for 6-9 months. I have no problem spending up to 2k per month to help her out if it's truly a bad situation, but I can't have my household upset. I have too many critical things going on that are set to shape our future. I'm certain it would be bad for our relationship, as we would just be moving in together for the first time.

 

If we had a large house already, it might be different. But I think she is a) underestimating the disruptiveness of brining a third party into one's home and b) is not quite ready for marriage, because it means you have to be respectful of the other person.

 

My big question is - She should ask before doing that, and we should make the decision prior to her offering? Correct? I should have the right to say no. It is my house too, and this is in part, and issue of respect that comes from being married.

 

She is 26. I believe this is a deal breaker for me, as she says she wont' budge and so do I. Opinions?

 

Relationships are about compromising. I felt the same way your soon to be fiancee felt but I had to consider my GF feelings. Now I check in with her for everything as she does with me, when it comes to our living comfortability. You need to sit down and have a discussion with her about it.

 

She may think you're selfish for not want her friend to stay but she's being selfish for not considering your feels.

[Trialbyfire]

They're currently not living together or even engaged. This is not marriage.

[IpAncA]

It's still a sign to re-think things. Or at least talk to her and see if she'll budge.

 

And she even mentioned she would think this way after marriage.

[johan]

I think the most disturbing thing about it is how many homeless friends she seems to have. Where does she hang out?

 

She's probably just not thinking it through. I'd be surprised if, even though she says this, she didn't ask anyway. It's the natural thing to do.

[Trialbyfire]

It's still a sign to re-think things.

 

And she even mentioned she would think this way after marriage.

Here's where I sit. Until he commits to something more meaningful, he has no right to decide anything within her life. Actions speak louder than words and no matter how much lipservice a guy gives, until he pisses in the pot, it's all meaningless.

[IpAncA]

Well yeah...as of right now he doesn't have a say but it's nice to know these things a head of time.

[Trialbyfire]

Ahead of what? A whole lotta' smoke and mirrors? If someone wants to control someone else without making a real hard commitment, genders aside, it's time to rethink things.

[Sheba]

I think that having another person living in the same home is a big question and she ought to have checked with you. It is not as if she accepted a dinner invitation on your behalf - though I think most couples would even "check with" each other on that.

 

It really is a matter of respect. We would do it for everyone, not only our partners. If I am invited to a friend's I do not bring an extra person without first calling that friend and saying "thank you for the invitation, would it be all right if my cousin from out of town joined us"?

 

I hope your girlfriend discusses this issue with neutral third parties, just as you are by asking on this forum. Maybe you can sort this difficulty out. If she will not budge after hearing your (hopefully respectful) views on the subject, you need to give the relationship serious thought.

[IpAncA]

It's nice to know ahead of time then to find out later.

 

That's what I'm talking about.

[Curmudgeon]

Very simplistically, in a committed relationship, one partner should make NO decisions that will impact the other partner in any significant way without their knowedge, discussion and acquiescence.

 

Anything less is simply controlling.

[Trialbyfire]

Very simplistically, in a committed relationship, one partner should make NO decisions that will impact the other partner in any significant way without their knowedge, discussion and acquiescence.

 

Anything less is simply controlling.

Agreed but I've bolded the key word. I don't see his real commitment, thus don't feel he has the right to control her from a distance.

 

If they were already engaged and/or living together, this would be a different ballgame.

[Curmudgeon]

...and ya knows I luvs ya, but the original title was, "Question about when spouses should/should not check with each other."

[Trialbyfire]

But here is OP's first paragraph:

 

I'm about to be engaged to a great woman and am probably moving several states away to be with her. However, she just let one of her friends know that they could move in with us for as long as she needed to get her life together.

 

 

LDRs are difficult at the best of times...

[Curmudgeon]

LDRs are difficult at the best of times...

 

Look at us! :love:

[Trialbyfire]

Look at us! :love:

Hey, differences are the spice of life.

[princssangl0204]

If your living states away then you have absolutely no right to tell here what she can do with her home.

 

as far as after marriage you should be making all major decisions together (yes having someone come live with you is a big decision) unless there is an emergency..... such as someone is dying and you only have minutes to decided what to do. other wise everything should be discussed and agreed upon.

[Shan2k]

I knew it, some women are too headstrong!! Overboard feminist!!

 

 

 

You have every right if you're going to be living with her. You are her soon to be husband. Just don't have a cold-heart to the situation. If this lady has nowhere to go, try to be human.

[johan]

I'd draw the line at letting her eat out of the trash though.